Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The release of my brain juice feels #toogood

The egg
This is what I have perceived about people in my lifetime: Everyone is an egg with a hard exterior but we all have soft interiors. How hard the exterior depends on each individual. Many are as thin as the fresh air by the ocean, and few are as thick as the smog in Los Angeles.

There’s a quote out there that goes something like this: “We build up walls not to prevent people from coming in, but to see who cares enough to knock them down.” –I honestly believe this is why people hold walls up, or maybe it’s just me. I must admit I have a very thick eggshell, but that’s only because I don’t trust just anyone, nor do I let everyone see who I really am. I mean I am myself 24/7 365, but there are things about me that only a handful of people know. I let others perceive me as this coldhearted bitch who doesn’t give a shit about anything or anyone but me or that’ll contribute to my well being or happiness . Many would be surprise at the extent of things I’m willing to do and go for people that I truly care for.

For those of you who have or will take the time to knock down my walls: thank you for being so patient, I am a tough one, but I promise when you get there you won’t be disappointed in what you see, get, and have from me.

Fortune of the day
I went for a quick bite with a friend today and my fortune read: “You wear your heart on your sleeves”.
It’s funny that I got that, because I’ve always thought of myself as a person who wears her heart on her sleeves for all to see, but for no one to possess. Like I said, I am willing to go the extra 110% for those that I truly care for, but I’m still to chicken shit to allow myself to be too vulnerable to have my heart. I need control, and if someone has my “heart” (so stupid why someone would use heart to describe a feeling that the heart has no control over) I wouldn’t have that control I need in my life.

I still can’t get over how one’s goals can change so swift and fast just because of a change that happened in life. What I’m really talking about is my personal goals and dreams for myself. I can’t believe just because I was in a long term relationship with Thinh that I had myself thinking about marriage, kids, a house, settling in one location for the rest of my life and etc. But now that I’m single the thought of marriage, kids, and my goodness staying in one place forever doesn’t even cross my mind. Oh how your current dreams, wants, and goals can be so unreliable. One day you want and dream of this and that, and the next day you want something completely opposite.

Yes, I need stability. I crave the comfort, security, honesty, and presence of having a boyfriend can give you. I need stability in one man for one life, not one man for every three months because that is not who I am.

Wants v.s. needs is something I have to remind myself a lot lately. I don’t need the comfort, security, honesty, and presence a boyfriend can offer, so I shouldn’t settle for anyone I come across that seems to be half decent. That’s also a friendly reminder to my fellow single friends out there who are ‘settling’ because it’s cuffin’ season and you feel like you need the presence of the opposite sex. Let’s be honest with yourself ok?--It's just a want.

I forgot what I was doing today, but something about that certain time, that certain moment made me reminisce about my childhood. My family and I weren’t well off, and I’m so glad we weren’t. I believe that everyone must start from the ground up to really grow to appreciate the things they will have in life. That’s exactly where my family started on, the ground. We moved several times before my parents were able to purchase their first home. Before that, we went from sharing rooms in close relatives’ homes to different apartments. I remember for Christmas, my parents couldn’t afford us presents so we’d get to pick things like a box of crayons, tape players, and notebooks from the shelter. We’d make up our own games with the things we had like ‘hot lava’ where we’d lay out different blankets on the carpet, and one of us would be an alligator, and everyone else would be hopping from blanket to blanket without being eaten by the alligator. Even though we weren’t well off like most families, those are the times I miss most. My family wasn’t perfect, and we still aren’t, but we were happy. And those were the times when my brother was “normal”.

Since those ‘hot lava’ days my parents have worked extremely hard to get far and passed “on the ground”, but even with their success, I still don’t see a point in a lot of the things they have spent their money on. For example the current house that we live in: yes, it is a nice house in a very nice neighborhood, but we had a nice house when we lived in Richfield. Richfield doesn’t have the best neighborhoods in Minnesota, it’s actually quite ‘ghetto’ but why want more, when what you have was once before what you had only wished for. I guess some people will never be satisfied. I suppose I fall into that category.

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