Disappointed

The one person I'm most upset with is myself. 

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Someone once told me that human beings have three dimensions: how you see yourself, how others see you, and how you want others to see you. The closer the distance between the three dimensions, the more at peace you are and the more stable you become. --the Poison Tree

I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.

--Katie Kacvinsky, First Comes Love

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certainty

I believe myself to be a pretty adaptable and resilient person who embraces change. The majority fear it, but I yearn for it. When change occurs, give me a second to observe and soak in what's going on and I'm right there with it.

Although I crave being forced out of my comfort zone (ok, if I'm honest 99% of the time I willfully put myself there) and the adrenaline it feeds me, there are a few things I am certain about. 

I am certain that as long as my immediate family members are breathing, I will not live more than 25miles apart from them. I simply cannot imagine being apart from them.

I am certain that I will forever reside in the city. Growing up in the suburbs, and now owning a home in the city...I can't go back.

I am certain that the four women I can count on will always be in my life. It takes two to tango, and I'll be damned if I ever stop putting effort into our friendships.

I am certain that the man I share life's saddest and happiest moments with now will be the man I share everything with indefinitely. 

So even though there are still a lot of moving parts in my life, those parts will be the ones that'll remain still. 

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It's not you, It's me

It's becoming more and more apparent as time goes on that its not my "friends," it's me. 

Over the past twenty five years the people who have hurt me the most weren't family nor were they past boyfriends, they were always people I've considered as friends. I naively went through life thinking to be considered a good friend you needed to always be honest, upfront, be able to make time for them, love them unconditionally, & from time to time put your own issues aside and cater to their's. but that's not enough, because if it were people who used to be by my side wouldn't be disappearing.

My goal this year was and still is to grow into a better person. I'm actively working on every relationship I have with the people who still stand beside me, and honestly I'm scared to death of losing them. 

My insecurities shine bright when it comes to my family, my handful of friends, and D.

Handful. It's scary to know with the billions of people you pass in your life, the ones who matter, you're able to count all on one hand. I already have my bridesmaids picked out, they're the ones who have never judged me for the decisions I've made in life (no matter how poor they were), they're the ones who have never left my side through the test of time, and through the test of my selfishness. 

I didn't believe them when they said your circle gets smaller as you get older, but time is proving them to be right.

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Things That Make Me Happy 110-119

110) feeling sore after a day at the gym

111) seeing my body transform

112) being able to keep my word

113) outdoor adventures that include but are not limited to hiking, biking, running, yoga on rooftops, swimming, and tanning (it's outdoors!)

114) farmer's market finds

115) being able to out plank others next to me at the gym

116) being able to run faster and longer than others on treadmills around me

117) having friends include me in their life changing moments

118) celebrating family & friends' success

119) the smell and feel of freshly cut grass between your toes

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Happy Birthday to 25 yrs of life lessons

I don't think a lot of people understand me, and the few that do know I'm a person of many mistakes. 

Mistakes....I mention the word often in my posts. I do because those are typically where a chapter ends, and a new one begins.

You see, I try not to make the same mistakes twice, but that's only as long as I'm aware of them. If I'm not aware of them, I'm just like every human, we continue on with it. 

That's why I believe honesty and communication is SO important in every relationship. Whether it is with your family, friends, colleagues, or with a significant other. If I've ever said anything about you to someone else, I am going to say it to your face. 

Honesty & communication creates loyalty. 

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Together

They were right when they said it doesn't matter how long you know someone. He's fairly new in my life compared to others, but he's the best friend I've needed.

I was so used to making decisions on my own, but now I find myself asking for his opinion prior to any action.

Words just can't describe.

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Quarter of a Century

I'm not where I imagined myself, but I'm figuring it out. Everything I've planned out obviously didn't pan out, but I'm okay with that. If everything did, I wouldn't be as happy as I am today.

Although I don't know what to do the rest of my life, I do know who I want with me while I try every opportunity given out.

I can't thank em all enough for being supportive and guiding me through this scary time.

Also, thank you for not judging. There's too many people who judge others before knowing the reason behind the individual's actions.

Tomorrow

 Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.  

I have never failed an interview before, and I'm not about to start tomorrow. It's been about two years since I've been in the hot seat. 

D is so sweet. He's sitting here pretending to be the interviewer, and giving me tips on how to handle questions since he interviews people all the time. 

Apart of us wants this, but apart of us knows we can hold out for something I deserve (salary wise).

It's in my nature to worry.

Weight Issues

About a year ago I weighed in at 120lbs. From Aug '12-Monday I was yo-yoing between 105-103. Monday, I was down to the double digits.

I hate the scale because I know the information it gives me is just a number, but I still weigh myself every time I'm at the gym.

I'm trying to gain muscle mass now, but D gets upset every time I work out.

I just want to be fit & healthy. Not skinny. Not thick. Strong, fit, fast, & cut. Lololololololol

D's 29th

I've been having trouble sleeping lately, but what's new? It's always been that way except for the past two years working 60+hrs at the office. Tonight is different though. He has been asleep for the past two hours, and we've been in bed for the past three...

What's on my mind tonight? Tomorrow. Again, what's new right? Tomorrow is special though, it's his 29th Birthday, and I keep trying to think of different ways I can make him feel like it's really his day.

Everyone knows I like to over share things, so expect to see it on your Instagram feed.

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Theme

I've noticed a theme in several of my most recent posts: the fear of losing those I cherish most in life.

Today, I did something to hurt one of those people, But what's new? I always do shit that hurts people in my life. Whether it's lashing out at Danny to giving attitudes to my family, or standing my friends up for a planned breakfast date, or blurbbing something out to everyone.

Sometimes, realizing my faults after the crime has been committed is enough. Others may be forgiving in the past, but that won't always be the case.

I think that's my problem, I'm holding on too tight. Love is like sand in your hands. If you hold onto it too loose, it will slip through your fingers. If you hold on too tight, it'll slip through your fingers.

The ones who've hurt me the most in life were always people I considered close friends. That still hasn't stopped me from loving three girlfriends to death.

Remember when I was cold and heartless? Yeah, me too.

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Things that make me happy 100-109

100) visiting a new place, where no one knows my name (even if it is Spencer, IA)
101) Tagging along with the man on his business trips
103) new gym gear
104) seeing my body change (I now have a four pack!)
105) days where a jacket isn't necessary. I'm tired of the cold, gloomy, cold, snowy days.
106) getting goodies from the sister. Every time I see her, she's given me bags full of make up, workout clothes, house necessities, clutches, etc.
107) being able to take a load off the man's plate. Now that I'm not working 60+ hours, I've been able to clean our home, help with renos, and have dinner ready by the time he gets home.
108) cooking things the man enjoys eating
109) knowing the man enjoys Vietnamese, and more importantly my mom's cooking

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZQ5aNrwYcM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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I was told once that everyone you'll ever need in life, you'll be able to count on ten fingers.

The older I get, the more this proves to be true. Many left behind lessons to nurture relationships with those around me (thank you).

"if you want to fly, you've got to let go of what weighs you down."

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Trust in God

At the end of 2012, a friend asked what word would I like to leave behind as we move forward into 2013. I said, fear.

I've never let money be the reason behind the decisions I made in life, but fear was. Especially, the fear of making the wrong decision because there were never any assurances there'd be a way out. Just a few days ago, I felt ambiguity and fear more than I've ever in my life.

Tonight, the more I reflect on where I was to where I am now the trust in myself, my decisions, and in God is affirmed. I've come so far not knowing where I was heading. So many mistakes, failures, and setbacks, but that's how I learn, grow, and become strong. Because along the way I also did things I didn't know was possible, and met people I didn't think I'd ever meet.

Even though I still don't have a clear path laid out before me, I trust in God that whatever decisions I make, will be the right ones that will lead me to where I'm supposed to be.

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I am one blessed person.

The people I'm surrounded by couldn't be any more supportive than they already are. From my family, friends, Danny, to my co workers....

Everything will be okay because I have them.

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Our Story

I love life and all of the individuals in it. All of our stories are different.

I would've loved to have the traditional life where I ended up with my high school sweetheart. But things happen for a reason. For all the 5-6 years we were together definitely contributed to the woman I am today, anything longer than that would've been wasted time. Wasted time because when you realize your values and priorities aren't aligned with your partner's, how could you build a future together?

Time spent with others (men/boys, friends, and family) and myself made me realize a lot (notice, I didn't say everything). I realized who I wanted in my life, what I wanted out of my life, and what I needed to do to get there. Came up with a plan and then...

Came him. On the day I had a huge shot taken to my ego. What I thought was going to be a good distraction with friends from what had happened earlier on in the day ended up being serendipity.

2013

I feel new year's resolutions are corny and unnecessary just because why do you need to wait until a new year to start something....

But I've been thinking a lot about the person I was 10, 5, and even a year ago, and although I've definitely grown, I'm still not the person I want to be.

With having so many people walk in and out of my life, I've come to realize that the problem is me. With that realization, I've also realized how unbelievably blessed I am to continue to have people who've stuck with me through my worst mistakes (or life lessons if you prefer to be optimistic).

I'd like to call this my personal growth plan for 2013+...things I'd like to work on to become a better daughter, sister, family member, friend, significant other, colleague, and human.

But I can only do this with the help of the people in my life. EX: being w/Danny he calls me out on things I do that drives him insane or let's me know of a mistake so I'm AWARE of my actions. From there I try to get a hold of what my thoughts and feelings are before my actions and try to prevent it from happening. It's tough, it takes time, but it works.

I want to retain the ones who have stuck by me.

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