Friday, April 14, 2017

I'm so so sad right now.

You're the most important person in my life and I would never ever do anything intentionally to hurt you, so to have you tell me that I did (without knowing) hurts me so much.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

The Process of Elimination

I really believed that it, that this was seasonal affective disorder x100, however, my random emotional outbursts and feeling of disconnect is telling me otherwise.

The first question my physician always ask me when I see her is "has anything changed recently?" -Yes! Of course things changed, life happens all the time right? Taking it back to November, besides the seasons changing I was promoted only a few months prior to my first doctor's visit, the election happened and well, let's just say I've been making an ongoing case with Danny for moving to Canada, the man of my dreams asked me to spend the rest of our lives together, wedding planning, celebrating friends' life events, etc.

Let me clear the air, Danny and planning our wedding hasn't been a trigger. He's been nothing but supportive. He's not perfect and just like how I am, he's also trying to make sense of it all. There are things he says that comes across as tone deaf, but I can't blame him. He's never experienced me like this before.

If it's not Danny and it's not the stress of planning for our big celebration, then it leaves my new role and President Obama's successor as the culprits.

Now before you laugh, I admitted to my physician that the outcome of the election may have played a part in why I was feeling the way I was, and she said that others too have said the same. Being the first generation of immigrant parents, it hurts when the person that's supposed to lead the country tries to make it difficult for other immigrants to emigrate here. 38 years ago my parents left Vietnam in search of something better. They gave up everything just so that their future children could have something, and I'll never be able to repay them for that.

President Obama helped our country take five steps forward, and it feels like his successor is making our country take twenty steps back. Damn right I'm hurt.

Typically, it doesn't take a whole lot for me to be motivated in my professional life. I just strive to do better than I did the day before and it's paid off; the past four years with T I've received a bi-annual raise. But these days haven't been typical. I'm currently an uneducated, undetermined, selfish millennial. My heart races at 2 in the morning thinking about what it'd be like on my first day back in the office. The fucking questions. It's a grave I've dug for myself, and I'm too weak to face it head on, so, I keep thinking about laying in the grave I've created. It's insane the amount of disregard I have knowing that our wedding is less than 150 days away, and the plans Danny and I have made for our near future. Besides the outcome of the election, this job has been a constant in my extreme discontent with life. Paranoia, the feeling of never being enough, the pressure...one can only take on those feelings for so long before you start sinking, before one starts drowning.

I'm having trouble trying to process it all. The company I once loved and stuck up for, I now no longer believe our values align. Even my visits to the retailer have decreased. And now I'm stuck between exercising my rights or burning the bridge.

For the record, I'm really great at burning bridges.

Random Thoughts

Spent the past 30 minutes signing up for an account through my health insurance provider to try and locate a shrink; they couldn't make it any harder on us to find one.

*****

I'm pathetic, I've turned to a TED Talk about depression. I only want to learn more about what's happening to my mind. You too, can try to understand:



Thank you, Andrew Solomon for helping me make sense of it all.

*****

I'm afraid of...

damaging my relationship
being on medication
the questions I'll get when they see me return
people will see me in a different light
becoming more and more withdrawn

*****

The thought of tomorrow can make you feel like anything is possible.


Monday, April 3, 2017

The Wonder of You

I tell him everyday, three words: you're the best. However, I don't think he truly understands the depth of those words.

Our life together started six years ago, but I cannot wait to celebrate our love with our loved ones. It'll be a damn party.

I don't understand what I've done in life to be blessed with you, but I ain't letting you go.

When I was younger, I made a list of qualities I want the man of my dreams to have and he crosses every single one of them off the list. Bonus, he's added qualities I didn't know I wanted to the list.

You're the man of my dreams.

Sent from my iPhone