Monday, October 25, 2010

Clouded Mind

I can't sleep when there's a bajillion different things running through my mind. That's probably why I tend to blog/write before I head to bed (if you haven't noticed the weird timestamps on each post). But I wish I didn't link this blog to my twitter and tumblr because it's holding me back from saying how I truly feel.

Halloween 2k10
It's my favorite holiday because it's not everyday where you get to be someone/something other than yourself. Halloween is the one day where you get to get out of your eggshell. A month or two ago I was so excited for it, but now that the day is approaching, I'm not really feeling it. I don't know exactly why I don't feel like celebrating my favorite holiday, but all I know is I'm not going to have as much fun as I think I will. And the worst part about it is my close friends are all making me come with them to celebrate in another state. I've told them how I've felt, but it's not flying with 'em, and I don't want to disappoint them by flaking out either. and we're leaving this Friday..Some dilemma eh? People out there are worried about when their next meal is, and I'm sitting here worrying about how to tell my friends I truly don't want to make it out to Madison for Halloween. o_O

R.I.P to the girl I used to be?
I've gotten so much criticism lately from my close friends on how I've been weird (not that I'm normally not, but just not acting like myself), not Tamzilla anymore, or even *shock face* emo (I have never ever been called that til recently). I'll admit, I haven't been as crazy, spontaneous, impulsive, alcoholic, social, careless, or spirit-free lately, but I think it's because I'm growing up. Keyword: think. I'm not sure why I've been acting different because there hasn't been any major changes in my life for me to act this way. I think I'm just realizing a lot of things and finally putting things that I know I should've done a long time ago into action. I mean I can't be the crazy Tamzilla that everyone knows forever right? Things just happen, you think about life, and sometimes you just wanna change the way you've been doing everything. That's kinda how I feel.

The Thinh Thing
If you read my past post Love Letter to the Past, then you'd know that I have no interest in getting back with him to finish where we left off, even though mutual friends are still pushing for it. But there's one thing I can't help but still grieve over, and that's what we could've been. Say he didn't want to throw away our five and a half years to be single, or say that when he came to me and wanted me back that I told him yes, we'd probably get married and have this whole high school sweetheart fairy tale like story to tell our kids. But I didn't want to give him, us, or our future another chance. Whether it was my pride that got in the way of saying yes in the car to him that day or simply just because I was sick of going in circles, it all doesn't matter anymore because I walked away from familiarity for mystery seven months ago. If my feelings for him were still here today, I'd give it all another try but it's not. We both deserve so much better than forced feelings.

Something unusual
Up until this past summer, I was a planner and over analyzer. I over analyzed everything, coming up with the worse for every situation. I planned everything; I loved knowing what next month had in store for me. I hated living each day as it came; I had to know because it gave me power and control and everyone knows I’m a demanding, controlling bitch most days. Although I can still be demanding at times, I’ve definitely gone from knowing what my future held in store for me a month or two out to not knowing what tomorrow held. It’s something new, refreshing, and definitely scary for me. Instead of being in my comfortable bubble, I’m giving a completely different lifestyle a try. Most days I enjoy it because it’s exciting, but sometimes it’s frustrating. Okay I lied, most days it’s frustrating, but it’s something that I cannot change at the moment, so until I can I’m just going to go w/it and hope it makes me.

Right now, I am hoping, wishing there was a miracle that I haven't broken my P (close friends will know what I mean) yet. If there was one thing that I could just have and never get anything I want ever again this would be it. I only have four months of it left, it'd be pretty bullshit and stupid if I broke it and would have to start all over and then some. But if I did break it, I'd have no one to blame but myself.

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