Pregnancy Rollercoaster

Oh, and to piggyback off the previous post: it's been a rollercoaster of emotions because you go through major highs but then major lows.

•First you take at home tests and you see the results are positive: MAJOR HIGH
•But then you start googling and read about how it's not certain until doctor confirms or there's a heartbeat to confirm a viable pregnancy, so you're stuck waiting for your first prenatal visit: MAJOR LOW
•Once you see an OB, see a speck on ultrasound, and hear the baby's heartbeat and everything is confirmed: MAJOR HIGH
•You just wanna share the news with everyone and anyone but then are told (or read online) that you could fall under the 22% (or 35% if you've struggled with endometriosis) of women that miscarry in first twelve weeks: MAJOR LOW and super buzzkill btw
•but you slowly share the amazing news with those you'd want to be there for you if you did miscarry because no one should have to go through it alone: MAJOR HIGH
•four weeks after your first prenatal appointment you go in for your second and are given options to do genetic testing on baby. So, you decide to do go ahead with the tests and have to wait for results: MAJOR LOW
•results come in showing low levels for abnormalities and you're on your thirteenth week and the taboo of waiting until after your first trimester is over to share your pregnancy news are over: MAJOR HIGH
•then your body acts out and you start cramping and spotting. so you see your OB and although she tells you it's normal and you're healthy, she orders an ultrasound to confirm but you have to wait until your ultrasound appointment which isn't for another three to four days: MAJOR LOW
•you get to see baby and see baby move like a gymnast during ultrasound appointment: MAJOR HIGH
•however during same ultrasound appointment you find out you have a sub chronic hemorrhage: MAJOR LOW
•because of sub chronic hemorrhage you wait a week and a half to two weeks for another ultrasound and see that the hemorrhage is now nonexistent: MAJOR HIGH
•you visit your OB for your third prenatal appointment and she gives you the option of doing more genetic testing and since you did the first one, you agree to do another. Blood is drawn but you have to wait for results: MAJOR LOW
•results come in showing levels for abnormality are elevated. OB explains what it COULD mean but you're preoccupied. OB says she will refer you to a group of specialists for level 2 ultrasound to rule out markers. You wait a week for appointment: MAJOR LOW
•you speak with care coordinator at the personal specialist group and she says because level 2 ultrasounds are more in depth than ones done in office with OB, we can choose to cancel our 20 week anatomy scan. This also means we get to find out baby's sex two weeks early: MAJOR HIGH
•but you still have to wait for the appointment and wait to find out if markers will appear or not during scan in six days: MAJOR LOW

and folks, that's where I currently am. What a ride huh? And to think it's not even close to being over yet.

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Unfavorable Honest Feelings

I believe because D and I didn't have trouble conceiving, we're now going through a rollercoaster of emotions during pregnancy.

The things you go through and the emotions you feel aren't things many people in share with you. I honestly thought, once you conceived it'd be a smooth ride of waiting nine months then just deliver baby. Boy was I wrong!

I can already see it unfold this week. Because of the results, I'm staying holed up in our bedroom more, not staying in touch with friends or family, or just an overall loss of interest in everything...

It all started when D and I talked about when would be the "right" time for us to start trying, and we both agreed that waiting to try once we hit six months post marriage would be best for us. However, I unknowingly got pregnant three months in.

Because we weren't trying, I lived my life normally. Normal to what was my current lifestyle and now that could come back to haunt me; except it's not just me, it's my best friend-husband-best human being in the world, and our child.

I shared with my sister what D and I are currently going through in our pregnancy (test results came back early this week) and she goes:

Tiff: it's not anyone's fault. You didn't know
Tiff: you've been super careful since you found out
Tiff: sometimes I think you're too much but you've never cared about something so much until now
Tiff: it's good to see

Leave it to sis to leave me in tears (not that I wasn't already). She's right though; I don't care for a lot of things possession wise because I know many things can be replaced. But I'd never ever purposely hurt my family, never ever my child.

My current five wishes are:

•I'd taken prenatal prior to conceiving (yes, I know we weren't trying)
•taken it easy on working out mid oct-our Hawaii trip (again we weren't trying so I didn't know I was pregnant)
•didn't use the sauna so intensely weeks leading up to Hawaii
•didn't drink and smoke ganja mid oct-Hawaii trip
•I wish I could leave this feeling all behind

You see, I didn't find out I was carrying until six weeks in and I feel like I could've done a lot of damage during the first six weeks of our child's development and now it's eating me up. I can't help but feel so guilty.

As of right now, the lab results that came in were just a diagnosis and NOT a sure thing. But the treatment going forward seems so intense that I feel something has already happened.

My OB referred me to a perinatal specialist group whom will be doing a level 2 ultrasound to complete an in depth-thorough anatomy view of baby to rule out any markers. If they're able to rule it out D and I are to meet with a genetics counselor, even if everything looks to ok on level 2 ultrasound. But I'm not all clear yet, I'd have to do another level 2 ultrasound four weeks later to ensure nothing has grown since. Meanwhile, meet with my OB every two weeks to ensure my placenta is working the way it should because if level ultrasound 2 rules out markers, my elevated levels lab levels could mean not enough oxygen is getting to baby from placenta.

A lot right? And there's more to the treatment going forward because it's basically a big rabbit hole. If this then this, if not this then this...

Everyone keeps asking if I want a boy or a girl, and my answer will always be: a healthy baby.

Call me vain or selfish or what not but I honestly don't know if I can love the child unconditionally if there was something abnormal with him/her. Life would be so hard for them...going to school, making friends...life is already hard. And you know I've been a pretty selfish-shitty human being for most of the 30 yrs of my existence so what if this is the man above's way of "teaching" me a lesson? The lesson being, I need to learn to love another human being completely unselfishly and wholeheartedly.

D is the most honorable, intelligent, kindest human being I know and I'm truly blessed to get to share a life with him as his wife and life partner. I would hate myself if I couldn't bear him a healthy child. Such an "old school" traditional mindset, but that's how I honestly feel.

You know that saying, "No one said it would be easy, they said it'd be worth it." That's the light I'm holding onto.

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Do I miss working?

Yes and no. I miss the look on my team members' faces when I coach them on something they never knew. I miss how grateful my team members were when I prepped them for a successful interview so they could start a new career path. I miss the feeling when you see a team member implement something you coached them on days prior. But do I miss the office politics? Hell no.

A friend of ours asked me how many week my previous company gave for maternity leave and I told him I actually left the company months ago. I also mentioned I was thinking about going back, but when Danny overheard, he said we'd have to weigh the costs first.

I guess I should feel blessed that we're financially stable where we can have one of us be a stay at home parent. But I miss the feeling of professional growth/development. I used to get so anxious before an interview but afterwards the celebration is so worth the loss of sleep.

I miss celebrating my professional successes.

Maybe one day I'll get to feel it again. Until then, I can't wait to make our growing family the center of my world.

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Oversharing

Social media definitely makes it easy to overshare and trust me I used to be one of those that would post on Instagram twice if not three times a week + Snap my every day detail...

I guess with the mental illness I've learned that the whole world doesn't need to know my every single move or thought; which has also led to the strong decline in Instagram posts (I only posted six times last year) and starting to Snap less and less.

But then there's my "hobby" of vlogging. During our annual Galentines dinner, A asked when I was going to post pics of my trip to Hawaii. Truth is, I don't want to otherwise I would've bombarded everyone's feed when the trip happened or right after. I guess I just don't wanna be one of those that post 50x about the same trip even if it's different parts or spread out through TBTS. LOL! Honestly, I cringe at those posts when they show up on my feed 😒 we get it, you went on a trip and it was amazinggggg.

I even had a problem with vlogging on our trip to Hawaii. A huge part of me wanted to just enjoy it in the moment, but then the other half wanted me to document it so we could look back on it. I ended up vlogging, but haven't edited. Maybe one of these days, or maybe not. It was amazingggg but definitely don't wanna do 20 TBT posts to my followers.

My bad if you're guilty of any of the things I've mentioned; It's just so cringey.

Which leads me to respect the shit out of Kylie Jenner's decision to live nine months out of the public eye while she focused on herself and her baby girl.

It's just so easy to want to snap a pic, throw a caption together, and press post. It takes real restraint to want to keep the moment to yourself.

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