Don't stop believin'

Being optimistic can bite me in the ass sometimes.

When playing poker, if I still have chips in my hand; I’m still in the game.
When playing/watching football, if the clock is still running; my team still has a chance.
When in a relationship with a significant other, if it’s not broken; things can still work out.
When you’re taking a class, if there’s still time; you can still make the grade.
When living life, if you’re still breathing; you can still make your dreams happen.

…those are just a few of what I mean by me being optimistic. I can see hope and have faith in anything and everything that I do, but sometimes when do you know when to stop hoping and stop having faith?

Ya’ll all probably know that when it comes to a relationship, I believe that if two people love each other, they can work and get through anything and everything. But when does one know that it’s time to stop hoping? When does one know to walk away?

When does one stop believing.

When things like this happen, I am reminded why I have faith. And I can't believe I had ever doubted you, God.

I feel you

What rushes into my heart and my skull

I can't control

Think about it

Feel it in my bones.

Personality Test (warning it's lengthy)

Your Type is ESTJ

Extraverted	Sensing	Thinking	Judging
Strength of the preferences %
67	38	12	1

Student Life:
Let's start with the Guardians. Guardians work best when they have a specific place set aside for studying, generally with a desk, proper lighting, and a computer as needed. It is usually important for them to make sure everything is in its proper place. A piece of paper not neatly lined up can drive them to distraction. They like to get everything they need in one place, organize it, and then get to work. Guardians usually do best with an environment which is restful or business-like, but not too stimulating.

Supervisors (ESTJ) are usually a little more comfortable with mess than Inspectors. They also tolerate a lot more noise, but interruptions can easily derail them. Supervisors often do well with a study partner. Talking out loud can help them get a handle on the material they are learning. Taryn studies for history with Michael. They each develop questions based on the material. Then they test each other. Taryn's grades have gone up.

Capitalizing on Intelligence:
Guardians have a natural intelligence in logistics – making sure the right thing is in the right place at the right time. However, natural ability benefits from being exposed to tried-and-true training in logistics skills demonstrated in various majors. The logistics of performance arts is different from the logistics in computer science. Guardians benefit when they think of courses in terms of logistical knowledge. All four types of Guardians emphasize different aspects of logistics intelligence.

Supervisors (ESTJs) have directing logistical intelligence and enjoy a chance to lead. They have a natural talent for planning and for getting people to commit to action. They also have a talent for seeing how to get things done more quickly than some other types. They rely on proven methods to be effective.

Ariceli majored in civil engineering and thought she would have great job prospects. She was particularly impressed with how much planning needed to go into major engineering projects and how each needed to be planned out ahead of time to keep the project to a tight time schedule. She thought she would be particularly good at making sure that people kept to an effective schedule. If you're a Supervisor, how does your major help develop your directing logistical intelligence?

Finding my Passion:
In this five-part series of articles, we're examining each personality type and job fit. While Guardians would probably not substitute the words "Finding Membership and Belonging" for the Baby Boomer phrase, "Finding Your Passion," these are driving forces behind a Guardian's need to find life satisfaction.

The Guardian type most driven to show some type of leadership is the Supervisor (ESTJ). Many seek a career where they can either run their own business, or move up the ladder to positions of influence. Those who do not find this opportunity through work may show leadership in a volunteer position. Others are driven to give service to the community in such areas as government employee, military or police officer. Some are drawn to more technical positions such as engineer, or computer analyst. Still others find their sense of belonging in the professional community by becoming a dentist, judge, or physician. Says Gordon, "It took me a while to find the right place for me. After a bad car accident, I changed my focus and eventually became a building contractor where I could call more of my own shots.

Careers:
Management, management in business or education, stock broker, accounting, engineering, construction specialist, truck and bus driver, military training, police/security services, and law.

Love Life:
April is a Guardian Supervisor (ESTJ). She dated quite a bit in high school but seldom went out with the same guy more than two times. Either she decided he wasn't worth pursuing or her tendency to "tell it like it is" caused the guy to drop her. Now in college, she's not quite as fast to rule a man out, but she still doesn't want to waste time. April has been dating her current boyfriend for 6 months. She's been surprised to find out that some things she thought were deal breakers aren't. She's not sure if their long-term goals are compatible, but she wants to see if they can work things out.

Qualitative analysis of your type formula

You are:

• distinctively expressed extravert
• moderately expressed sensing personality
• slightly expressed thinking personality
• slightly expressed judging personality

ESTJs thrive on order and continuity. Being extraverted, their focus involves organization of people, which translates into supervision. While ENTJs enjoy organizing and mobilizing people according to their own theories and tactically based agendas, ESTJs are content to enforce "the rules," often dictated by tradition or handed down from a higher authority.

ESTJs are joiners. They seek out like-minded companions in clubs, civic groups, churches and other service organizations. The need for belonging is woven into the fiber of SJs. The family likewise is a central focus for ESTJs, and attendance at such events as weddings, funerals and family reunions is obligatory.

Tradition is important to the ESTJ. Holidays, birthdays and other annual celebrations are remembered and observed often religiously by this type. The ESTJ is inclined to seek out his roots, to trace the family heritage back to honored ancestors both for a sense of family respectability and for a sense of security and belonging.

Service, the tangible expression of responsibility, is another key focus for ESTJs. They love to provide and to receive good service. The ESTJ merchant who provides dependable service has done much to enhance her self image.

ESTJs have an acute sense for orthodoxy. Much of their evaluation of persons and activities reflects their strong sense of what is "normal" and what isn't. ESTJ humor is frequently centered around something or someone being off center or behaving abnormally.

ESTJs promote the work ethic. Power, position and prestige should be worked for and earned. Laziness is rarely viewed with ambivalence nor benevolence by this type.

The ESTJ is outspoken, a person of principles, which are readily expressed. The ESTJ is not afraid to stand up for what she believes is right even in the face of overwhelming odds. ESTJs are able to make the tough calls.

Occupations attracting ESTJs include teaching, coaching, banking, political office, and management at all levels.

Functional Analysis:

Extraverted Thinking

ESTJs are very good at making impersonal decisions quickly, and standing by those decisions. They live in their Extraverted Thinking functioning, thus, their prime directive is in discovering that which is true and logical in the events of the real world. Circumstances calling for product invite the ESTJ to supervise or direct other individuals toward production and productivity. Extraverts are attracted to the "object," the external things and people in observable reality. This bent translates into a natural interest in goods and material objects. >

Introverted Sensing

The secondary Introverted Sensing is like that of the ISTJ, but not as strong. Si provides practical form and concept data to the Te head, however, form is not the overriding principle, especially if Thinking has already decided. In times of need, ESTJs are tempted to overlook even necessary information if its absence impedes closure. Secondary sensing sometimes translates into interest in sports. The persistence of primary Thinking gives many ESTJs a desire for discipline and regimen which can be beneficial in skills development in the arena. >

Extraverted iNtuition

As the ESTJ matures, and as situations arise which call for suspension of criticism, Extraverted iNtuition is allowed to play. Under the leadership of the Te function, iNtuition gravitates toward the discovery of broad categories which at worst amount to stereotypes. Those ESTJs who hone their Ne abilities may find success in academia. (I've encountered ESTJs whose Ne overshadows the auxiliary Si function--for whatever reason--to the extent that there is an appearance of NT radical geekism.)

Introverted Feeling

This function may rarely be expressed. ESTJs who have cultivated, or have been blessed with, a "natural indirect expression of good will by inference," have great prospects of developing genuine friendships (as opposed to ESTJs who merely act out the behavior of Extraverted Feeling). Such a weak, introverted function is best observed in facial expression, eye contact, body language, and verbally only by implication.

Famous ESTJs:

Simon Peter (Christ's disciple)
John Heywood (c.1497-c.1580, collector of English colloquialisms)

U.S. Presidents:

James Monroe

Andrew Jackson

William Henry "Tippecanoe" Harrison

Franklin Pierce

Grover Cleveland

Harry S. Truman

Lyndon B. Johnson

George W. Bush

Carrie Nation
Elliot Ness
John D. Rockefeller
Bette Davis
Robert A. Taft (U.S. senator, son of Pres. Wm. H. Taft)
Sam Walton, owner and founder of WalMart stores
Barbara Stanwyck
Rev. Billy Graham
Dale Bumpers (U.S. Senator, D-Arkansas)
Phil Fulmer, head football coach of the U. Tenn Vols
Pat Head Summit, head basketball coach of the Lady Vols
Bill Frist, M.D. (U.S. Senate Majority Leader)

Fictional:

Lucy (Charles Schultz's Peanuts character)
Mrs. Harbottle (Herriott, All Creatures Great and Small)
Mrs. Rachel Lynde (Anne of Green Gables)
The Mayor (The Music Man)

*****
Pretty scary if you ask me. Most of it is true...

Uh Oh....

I'm getting unmotivated already, and it's only been a week and a half since spring semester started.

BLAH!

The Hardest Part

Is it because it’s a new year, a new decade, or is it my mindset? Lately, I’m seeing all of this hate and dislike towards another individual unnecessary. My whole philosophy is life’s short, and it is, so why spend it hating or disliking someone?

My whole view on it is: you don’t care (or at least you say you don’t care) about the person, so why do you let the person’s actions and words affect you? So learn to let it go. Let go of caring about them, because who are they to you, for the things that come out of their mouth and for their actions to make you act a certain way. Remember that they are nobodies in your world, and they most definitely do not deserve the power to make you feel hate, or anything at all.

I’m a very forgiving person, I’ve forgiven people for things I probably shouldn’t have, but what will holding a grudge do in the end besides hold you back? It happened, and it’s the past for a reason. Learn from it, grow from it, and leave it as what it should be, the past. After all, that’s what I’ve learned throughout my years in Sunday school, to forgive.

Looking back five years, a year, even a month from today I am not the same person. I have learned a lot, changed a lot, and grown a lot. Little or big I’m sure you have too, and chances are the person(s) also have. Give em a chance and you might be surprised, a friend can turn into an enemy, so why can’t an enemy turn into a friend?

What the...just got done watching Leap Year. Anna reminds me of me in many ways. Matthew Goode plays a good Irish. So dreamy! Accent + the rough rugged look.

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2 weeks in...21 years out

It’s only been about two weeks into the New Year and new decade but so far everything definitely has been looking up. Killed an interview, and got the job. I’m just waiting on the background check to come back, so I can start training next week. This should be my last semester at Normandale, than I can transfer and look forward to another new beginning. Back to the old schedule of 15 credits (5 classes) + 40 hrs/week @ work. It was a nice four month long break, but I was getting too used to it. Life is too short, definitely too short to be bumming around.

Besides, my winter break had to suffer because of not being employed, so hopefully I’ll catch up on all of my bills asap, and starting saving for the apartment and motherland trip. I’ve always had a couple of new toys in mind that I want to get too but eek, that can wait since it’s just a want.

*****

I’m going to really have to step up my game this semester. I’m shooting for all A’s. No B’s and definitely won’t let a C slip pass by me. I want to leave Normandale with a bang, and enter the U with a bang. I used to know what I want. I wanted to go for communications, and be a public relations specialist for a large company, or a company that I believed in. I tend to talk a lot and non-stop about people, products, companies, stores that I believe in and love, so that would’ve been so perfect for me. But I’m really starting to think about being a lawyer again. Not only have countless people told me that a career in law would suit me really well, but it’s something I’ve also thought about in the past…the only thing that deterred me away from going through with it, is the amount of schooling I’ll have to go through. But I’ve already gone through four years, and will be another two, why not go all of the way and make something out of myself? It’s definitely a big consideration.
Before considering it, I gotta make it through this semester. Study buddies I need your help to keep me motivated!

*****

I finally realized something about myself, a big flaw that I really gotta learn to change. I hate sharing. I don’t want to share anything that is mine and that goes towards family, boyfriend (of course), friends, material possessions, etc…I know it might sound weird, but trust me you can share the things listed and it’s a problem I really gotta try and fix before I ruin the greater things for myself.

*****

Over the past few months, I’ve been finding myself having the cake, and wanting to eat it also. I’m too curious about life for my own good. I need to pick one choice, and stick to it. Familiarity or exploration.

I believe that when you come to around my age, there’s two ways you can look at your own life:

1. You’re still young
or
2. You’re getting old

At the age of 21, many of my peers will answer that they think they’re still young. I think the opposite. So although I have the desire to explore, I feel that I’m getting old so I should just stick to what I know and what I’m comfortable with. Just be happy for what I have, and don’t spoil it by wanting more.
Is there any way to balance it all out? It’s so hard to leave everything behind for something so simple and selfish.

Every Superman needs his Lois Lane

Over the past weekend, Thinh and several of our close friends left Minnesota and went to our neighboring state of Wisconsin to go snowboarding. I didn’t want to go because now a days I don’t have money for things like that, and I didn’t want Thinh to pay for my part of the vacation. So I stayed back, in my head I kept thinking ”Please let him come back in one piece.” Thinh is still young yes, but (I joke with him about this all the time) he is in an old man’s body. His head is full of grey hairs; he has leg problems, back problems…now a shoulder problem.

Hoang lost his phone the same day they arrived in Wisconsin, so when my phone rang and it popped up with a picture of Thinh and said “Thinhman” on it, but Hoang’s voice was on the other line, I didn’t think much of it. Until he said something happened to Thinh. The only words I took in were ambulance and hospital. I couldn’t help but find myself crying. A few minutes after I got off the phone with Hoang, Tenzin called to let me know the same thing. I thank those two for calling me right away and letting me know. I have really great friends.

It turned out that he dislocated his shoulder, worse than nothing happening to him, but better than having something break.

Ever since he’s been back, I’ve been visiting him. I like it that he’s home more often with his family, he never takes the time to stay home, ever. It’s been lots of Friends re-runs, and to-go food with him. It’s a nice break from going out to eat and seeing a movie whenever we’re together. I wished we had our own kitchen, so I could whip him up something instead though. Soon enough…

(my bad for getting off topic)

He’s been wearing this cast/sling thing on his right shoulder and arm, so he’s pretty much disabled. I had the opportunity of helping him shower yesterday. Not like that, but I was helping him undress, stood by the tub and squeezed soap into his good hand, scrub his back, dry him, lotion his back, dress him, etc. Like I said in my previous post, it’s really rare where I get to see him like this. Sometimes I wondered myself if he was Superman. He’s so independent, self-motivated, never needing the help of others for anything, until yesterday, and I had the pleasure of helping him.

I got to see Thinh vulnerable today. It's a rare occasion to see him like that. But it's a relief...he's human, just like everyone else.

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Painful Disease

The disease I got three years back, is slowly creeping back up on me. Not good. I gotta go pay my OBGYN a visit and get some medication again before it's back full throttle.

The pain was so bad earlier I had to force myself to take a nap. After 45 minutes of tossing, turning, and screaming in pain, I knocked out. Woke up three hours later and the pain went away.

I remember three years ago when I first got it. For the first year and a half, each time I got my period, it was a week and a half of hell. Going in and out of emergency rooms and hospitals. None of those "doctors" knew what it was. They just kept me overnight on IV's. I lost so much weight too, I was down to 75lbs because everything I ate within that week and a half of my period I threw up, including water. I couldn't hold anything down. But my dad still forced me to eat to try and get little energy off of it.

Finally, after a year and a half of going in and out of hospitals and emergency rooms I finally got referred over to an OBGYN and she found out right away what was wrong with me. Endometriosis. My doctor gave me three options: to get surgery (although it wouldn't cure it 100%), take a shot every three months ($500 each time insurance doesn't cover), or get put on hormone pills to take everyday so that I wouldn't get my period every month. Surgery is just scary thinking about so I didn't want to do that, the shots were scary and expensive, so I opted for the hormone pills. I was good at taking them everyday for a year or two, then I stopped. Definitely need to get going on them again.

So if you think you got it bad when it comes to having your period, trust me your's is nothing compared to what I have to endure.

We, Our, Us

I feel like a bitch now. Apart of the whole me accepting the we, our, us thing is for me to accept him being able to "take" care of me. Whatever that means right? But I just rejected his Christmas present because 1)I told him specifically not to get me one this year, and I know we've talked about this before on how it's the thought of him putting the time into picking one out...still, I told you not to get me one! I feel like a bitch for rejecting it, but I also didn't accept it because he put me in a completely bad mood. I packed a lot for this weekend because I knew I was going to stay over at his house a day longer than I usually do, and because I had extra dresses packed just in case we went out more than just for NYE. This morning while bring all of my bags up to his car, he didn't ask once if I needed a hand. Same thing happened earlier when dropping me off. I didn't want to have to ask him to help me with the bags, I wished he would just know to ask me if I needed a hand. But he didn't, even after I said "Can you wait a little? I'm going to need to make two stops since I have a lot of stuff to carry in." The whole time all he did was sit in his stupid warm car! That got me in a bad mood, and when I came out the second time to pick up the last of my stuff he goes "oh yeah baby grab that present it's your's"

.......now I feel like a complete bitch because we've gone over this whole gift stuff before. But I'm still irritated at him for not helping me. Men are so unthoughtful! This is why I'm better off by myself. I know I can do everything by myself, why should I be with a man and want him to help me with things, but in the end he doesn't and I'll just be disappointed and irritated? So unnecessary.

2010, I have been anticipating you.

There are two things that I have been anxious for in this upcoming year, start of a new decade that I can think of off the top of my head:
1) taking that next step and moving in with Thinh
2) my future travel destinations

*****

When you’ve been with someone as long as Thinh and I have been, what exactly is the next step? Is there such a thing? I feel like our relationship has been to heaven, down to hell, and now it feels like we’re back on solid ground. Neither heaven, but at least it’s not down in hell again.

Recently, he’s brought up to my attention again about how I should stop thinking in terms of him and I, and that it’s us, our, and we. It’s so hard for me to do that and change my mindset, when it’s always been me, someone that is independent. I know that has been really hard on him, and that it’s making him unmotivated to stay, but I hope he doesn’t quit. That’d be a shame.

Moving in together, we both don’t have a problem with this idea because we’re always together on the weekends anyway. But the more and more he talks about his problems with f_____, it makes me second guess if he’s really wanting to take this next step because of us or because of his problems.

*****

I’ve been wanting to go back to the Motherland ever since I left it back in freshman year of high school. I remember how much fun it was for me and Dave. We both talked about how when we would start saving money to go back in the summer and buy our own xe honda’s (those mopeds) and ride them around in Saigon and Ba Ria. Now, it has been seven years since my first and only visit (to date) back to Vietnam. Once I get one of these jobs (two upcoming interviews and one of them is a second interview with the employer) I told Thinh we are going to start saving to go back together. Whether or not we go back together, I’m going to go back.

*****

If there’s one thing I learned in life, it’s not to depend on anyone to do anything for you, if you want things done right, you gotta do it yourself or you’ll always be disappointed.

Short Story

About three weeks ago, the guys (Thinh, Khoi, and Phuc) and I were eating somewhere. We normally have pretty random talks about everything. But I was pretty surprised when Khoi looked at me and busted out "you know what I just noticed? After all of these years being friends with you I just noticed something. I noticed that you never talk. Like if someone brings up something, then you'll add your two cents to it, but you never say how you feel without having someone to say it for you first. Why is that? Do you not like opening up?"

Then, just right now. Thinh left to go do something, so it's just me and Khoi watching the game on tv, and I was on someone's LJ looking at pictures of food (surprise surprise?) and I blurted out "You know what I want right now? Some banh mi op la!" Well, turns out I should do it more often cause Khoi was taken aback and was really surprised "OMG! did you just say something? Tammy's first phrase ever. You deserve some banh mi op la for that. Call T.I. to get some bread and I'll make you the eggs myself!...tammy's first words hahaha"

These guys cracks me up every time, but I guess he's right. I don't open up to very many people.

rry

Disappointed

I blame Thinh for me never being able to see my friends or for me losing touch with them. Everyone knows it too. Over the past two weeks, I've had three friends who are in the Military come home to visit. I didn't get to see any of them because Thinh either doesn't like 'em or he just didn't wanna do what they were doing. That pisses me off, I mean 'his' friends which are now my friends, they're cool, they're like brothers to me now but it's just annoying how he doesn't try when it comes to 'my' friends. And my friends purposely don't invite me to places or events now because they automatically just assume "she won't come because she's busy with Thinh."


I'm so disappointed...who knows when I'll be able to see those guys again?

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