Wednesday, June 14, 2017

I'm unsure about a lot in my life right now, however, there's one thing I'm 110% certain about: meeting Danny has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. 


I'm ready to put him, us, and our future before myself. Because at the end of the day if he's not happy, I won't be.


Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

I hear you, but do YOU hear you?

"We're gonna have to work on guilt together."

*****

"You definitely seem happier than the last time I saw you, and it's not just the crying. I know you'll get better. [This] ...could be a temporary thing like only six months or so."


*****

"Some people just have the strength of character to get through things that others don't."


*****

"...you...have to look at the bigger picture and realize will this actually matter?"

Friday, May 26, 2017

SI

"Denies SI at this time." 

Verbatim from my doctor's note.

Truth is, I've thought about it. More than I probably should, but I can't admit it to anyone because then they'll intervene and send you somewhere for who knows how long.

Next week I'm going to start seeing my shrink bi weekly. At the end of my first visit, she said "Oh yeah, everything you share with me is completely confidential. Unless it's thoughts of harming yourself or others. I have to share that with others."

Driving makes it so easy to make it look like an "accident."

Saturday, May 6, 2017

It's 70 out, the sun is shining, I have wonderful family, friends, and the best life partner ever and I can't help but still feel so sad.

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

The Process of Elimination

I really believed that it, that this was seasonal affective disorder x100, however, my random emotional outbursts and feeling of disconnect is telling me otherwise.

The first question my physician always ask me when I see her is "has anything changed recently?" -Yes! Of course things changed, life happens all the time right? Taking it back to November, besides the seasons changing I was promoted only a few months prior to my first doctor's visit, the election happened and well, let's just say I've been making an ongoing case with Danny for moving to Canada, the man of my dreams asked me to spend the rest of our lives together, wedding planning, celebrating friends' life events, etc.

Let me clear the air, Danny and planning our wedding hasn't been a trigger. He's been nothing but supportive. He's not perfect and just like how I am, he's also trying to make sense of it all. There are things he says that comes across as tone deaf, but I can't blame him. He's never experienced me like this before.

If it's not Danny and it's not the stress of planning for our big celebration, then it leaves my new role and President Obama's successor as the culprits.

Now before you laugh, I admitted to my physician that the outcome of the election may have played a part in why I was feeling the way I was, and she said that others too have said the same. Being the first generation of immigrant parents, it hurts when the person that's supposed to lead the country tries to make it difficult for other immigrants to emigrate here. 38 years ago my parents left Vietnam in search of something better. They gave up everything just so that their future children could have something, and I'll never be able to repay them for that.

President Obama helped our country take five steps forward, and it feels like his successor is making our country take twenty steps back. Damn right I'm hurt.

Typically, it doesn't take a whole lot for me to be motivated in my professional life. I just strive to do better than I did the day before and it's paid off; the past four years with T I've received a bi-annual raise. But these days haven't been typical. I'm currently an uneducated, undetermined, selfish millennial. My heart races at 2 in the morning thinking about what it'd be like on my first day back in the office. The fucking questions. It's a grave I've dug for myself, and I'm too weak to face it head on, so, I keep thinking about laying in the grave I've created. It's insane the amount of disregard I have knowing that our wedding is less than 150 days away, and the plans Danny and I have made for our near future. Besides the outcome of the election, this job has been a constant in my extreme discontent with life. Paranoia, the feeling of never being enough, the pressure...one can only take on those feelings for so long before you start sinking, before one starts drowning.

I'm having trouble trying to process it all. The company I once loved and stuck up for, I now no longer believe our values align. Even my visits to the retailer have decreased. And now I'm stuck between exercising my rights or burning the bridge.

For the record, I'm really great at burning bridges.

Random Thoughts

Spent the past 30 minutes signing up for an account through my health insurance provider to try and locate a shrink; they couldn't make it any harder on us to find one.

*****

I'm pathetic, I've turned to a TED Talk about depression. I only want to learn more about what's happening to my mind. You too, can try to understand:



Thank you, Andrew Solomon for helping me make sense of it all.

*****

I'm afraid of...

damaging my relationship
being on medication
the questions I'll get when they see me return
people will see me in a different light
becoming more and more withdrawn

*****

The thought of tomorrow can make you feel like anything is possible.


Monday, April 3, 2017

The Wonder of You

I tell him everyday, three words: you're the best. However, I don't think he truly understands the depth of those words.

Our life together started six years ago, but I cannot wait to celebrate our love with our loved ones. It'll be a damn party.

I don't understand what I've done in life to be blessed with you, but I ain't letting you go.

When I was younger, I made a list of qualities I want the man of my dreams to have and he crosses every single one of them off the list. Bonus, he's added qualities I didn't know I wanted to the list.

You're the man of my dreams.

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, March 30, 2017

{Mental} Instability

Caps aka dad hats, if I'm not in the office then I'm definitely sporting one. One of the reasons why I choose to wear one is because I never know when something will set me off and cause me to cry uncontrollably. Kinda like right now, sitting in the basement of this coffee shop. Tears flowing down my cheeks, and I have no idea why. I definitely can't stop it either. I feel bad for those around me, if they notice.

Perception, it's the hot word that always get thrown around the office. Don't do this they say, because you don't wanna be perceived a certain way. Do this they say because it'll make senior managers perceive you a certain way. A part of me wants to obey, but deep deep down I want to throw my hands up and do things my way.

There was a time when I gave a fuck about what others thought of me. A long time ago. That was when every decision, every choice, every thought I ever had was to try and please everyone around me. Everyone, but myself. How do you think one would feel when everything she ever thought of and did was so that everyone around her could see her in a certain light?

Today, D asked me to call my primary provider to put me on meds. "Just a light dose." -D

I'm not sure how I feel about being on meds, but I am certain that I don't want my instability to hurt our relationship. D has been nothing but supportive in every way possible. It's been six years and I still feel oh so blessed. I truly don't deserve him, but I'm so blessed that he's by my side.

If you think about it though, I don't deserve any one that's in my life. From my parents, siblings, D, to my girlfriends who have all grown to be like my sisters. I don't deserve any of them, but somehow they're here and I'm fighting every single day to keep them.

I could definitely put more effort into staying in touch with my in-laws.

The tears continue. I'm a freak.




I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can’t escape the gravity

Monday, December 26, 2016

Trying my best to take things day by day.

In the end, I'm grateful that my blessings are bigger than my problems.

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

I've always thought of myself as someone who was extremely adaptable. I've always been one to embrace change...I even craved it. It has always been relatively easy for me to pick up a new skill, task, role, anything you name I was able to get it down...until now.

The new role started out fine but the past month has been a rough one. Those close to me say I get extra sensitive around this time of the year which is true, but I think it's more than that. The past month has been extremely difficult for me to roll with the punches and go with the flow. 

I feel like the new people I'm supporting...always doubting my actions and  need reassurance that I'm doing an "ok" job. 

I've never really been one to compete with others. The only person I've ever competed was with myself and that's because I always want to continue to grow. No one is or will ever be perfect (let's be honest what does that even mean? And the definition is so subjective), but im so hard on myself.

The pressure to be right, to know everything, and to be everywhere all at once no matter the direction you're being pulled. 

I'm usually an overall positive person but I've been in such a dark place, I can't see the light anymore and I'm so scared. Scared because I've been having dark dark thoughts and I don't know if I can stop having them. I'm so scared of what Im capable of. 

Everyone I try to tell brushes what's been happening off. They tell me it's just something that I go through every year and it'll pass. They tell me what I'm going through is normal for someone who transitions to something new...but is it?

Whose to even say I'm feeling the way I do because of this transition...what if it's something much bigger that has no cure?

No cure...I can't even fathom feeling the way I do for another week, month, year, let along forever.

I don't know anything...besides that...

I'm Tammy. I'm just human. I'm just working on being a better person than I was yesterday. 

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, March 2, 2015

Blurb of the Moment

I'm turning 27 in about two months, and I'm not anywhere near where I thought I'd be. Honestly, I feel like a complete fuck up.

I've been such a terrible human being the past 27 years to my parents, siblings, and friends. Basically anyone who is still by my side I'm more than grateful for, but my actions don't always show it. I've made it a goal of mine to continually nourish the relationships I have right now from my family, his family, and our friends I know I need to do a better job of playing my part.

I try so hard in all the wrong ways, when I just need to stay in touch with family and friends who live in another state. I've noticed that I try to compensate my lack of effort with material gifts.

I have nothing that my parents or my younger siblings can be proud of me for. And when I think about the next 6 months, year, 5 or 10 I don't know what it is that I want besides one thing. The only thing I'm ever sure about these days is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

When I think about him and the past four years together I get so sad. Sad because I don't deserve this blessing that has come into my life and has chosen to stay....willingly. I have nothing to offer this amazing person besides that I'll try to become a better person because I want to for him.

Every night I count my blessings before I drift off, and every night I'm amazed I can count so many.

At any point in time if anyone ever decides I'm poison in their life, I would understand.


Thursday, June 5, 2014

Opportunities

As I'm reflecting on the past 26 years, I've learned that education and learning goes beyond academia. Every opportunity is a lesson to be learned.

In the two years I worked 70hr weeks as a Financial Advisor for a Fortune 200 Company to build my book of clients and get my name out there I had the opportunity to learn an important life lesson. 

People only do business with people they like. Whether you like to believe it or not, we make decisions based on our emotions. There are thousands of financial advisors out there. All of them able to provide the exact same thing. You want Apple or Google stock? We all have it. You want life insurance? We all have it. You need a detailed financial plan on how to get from point A to point B? We all can do it. But what sets all of us apart is how deep our connections run with our clients. 

The deeper the connection, the deeper the loyalty.

So as I move forward in my career and leave the 70 hr work weeks behind, I am reminded of this lesson I once learned. Back in the good ol days all you needed to do was show up for work, do the work, do a good damn job of the work and you'd get promoted through the passion you showed. Now, it's all about who you know and how deep those connections run.

I'm slowly learning how to play office politics, and just like everything else I've done I'm gonna do a good damn job of it.

Sent from my iPad 

Sunday, May 18, 2014

You are the best

I try to tell him those four words every single day, and hopefully he won't forget it. 

Sent from my iPad 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

He's offered me the world, and I have nothing but my love to offer in return.

How did I get so blessed?


Sent from my iPad 

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Debts

There are two kinds of people in this world. 
There are the givers, those are people you see who give unconditional love to everyone. The people pleaders, the ones who will drop everything they're doing to help in time of need. The ones you think of as selfless. 

Then there are the takers, those are people who are constantly willing to suck everyone's time and love with no regard for anyone other than themselves. The ones who will wait until they're finished with what they're in the middle of, and start what they want next before helping anyone in need. The ones you think of as self centered.

I have this ridiculous habit of trying my hardest to be in the middle. I keep tabs of when and what someone gives me for my birthday, Christmas, just because and try my best to give the same amount back. I also keep mental tabs of when someone has gone out of their way to spend time or help me so I'm able to give the same back. 

But then there are these handful of people...my mental list of what they've given me in a lifetime just keeps getting longer and longer and I'm not able to cross them outs cause it's been difficult trying to give the same back. 

And maybe that's the culprit of this spring of the moment behavior, why I can't stop crying. I just want to clear myself of all debts. 

Sent from my iPad 

I feel like a worthless POS

Right now I feel like a waste of oxygen.

I'm thinking of all the ways people have contributed to my life, well being, and happiness and I can't say I even remotely do the same for anyone else.

I feel like I'm just there and that's it. 

I can't stop crying because all I can think of are the millions of ways I've made life more difficult for the people I love. I'm so sad I bring anything other than happiness into their lives, I'm so sorry.

I was such a foolish girl to think the world was limitless.
I was such a foolish girl to think money doesn't matter.

I'm sorry I am such a terrible daughter, older sister, girlfriend, and friend.

Sent from my iPad 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s okay. Your journey isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different. Your life isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s because you aren’t like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing, and start living. You may not have ended up where you intended to go. But trust, for once, that you have ended up where you needed to be. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time. Trust that your life is enough. Trust that you are enough.

--daniell Koepke

Monday, December 23, 2013

Disappointed

The one person I'm most upset with is myself. 

Sent from my iPad 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Someone once told me that human beings have three dimensions: how you see yourself, how others see you, and how you want others to see you. The closer the distance between the three dimensions, the more at peace you are and the more stable you become. --the Poison Tree

Monday, November 11, 2013

I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.
--Katie Kacvinsky, First Comes Love


Sent from my iPad