Thursday, May 17, 2018

Come at me when you're expecting a child yourself, but until then stop having expectations on how I should carry my unborn baby.

Unsolicited advice from people who have never carried or aren't Mothers are the worst 🤬

Trust me, with all of the time I have on hand, I've read a lot about pregnancy.

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Thursday, May 3, 2018

I know this sounds terrible, but I'm trying my best to prepare myself for the worst.

I had a prenatal appointment yesterday and was given two news:

1) baby is measuring small; urgent referral to the perinatal group to measure baby's growth. Depending on that ultrasound I could go in twice a week for ultrasounds + measure blood flow of my umbilical core OR just go in for the planned weekly ultrasound to measure amniotic fluid
2) my Gluclose test came in elevated; scheduled a three hour Gluclose intolerance test for tomorrow morning

Obviously not good news, but at this point I'm glad I haven't gone into labor. Just the other week I was telling a friend I hope I go at 37 weeks so I have time to lose weight to fit into a bridesmaid dress for her wedding; how silly of me to have said or even thought that.

I'm just praying Baby J will be healthy. I want nothing more in life right now than to deliver a healthy baby.

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Monday, April 30, 2018

Random Thoughts

Earlier this month, Danny's father passed three days before his 70th birthday. 

I wished I got to know him better prior to his diagnosis, but I'm still grateful I had 7-8 months where he lived with us so I got to know him more than I ever have the eight years.

I knew he was an amazing human being (Danny definitely takes after him), but I never knew how big of a positive impact he made on others until the weekend of his funeral. Over two days over 400 people travelled near and far to pay their respects; this speaks volumes of the man he was and the life he lived. 

Godspeed Mike.

***

I haven't dealt with a whole lot of deaths in life, and it's never been easy for me to comfort someone who's going through grief. I tried my very best to comfort Danny in the wake of the loss of his father, but I still feel like I didn't/haven't done enough to ensure he's okay. 

We cried together, we smiled and laughed at memories together, I listened while he shared memories pre-Tammy...what else does one do to support their spouse through grief? 

Suggestions needed. 

***

I'm honestly not completely surprised by the things you've done; which says a lot about your character. Deep down I knew you were going to do something like this or you may have in the past, but what I didn't realize was how upset and disappointed I would feel about myself because of your actions.

Everyone has always told me they could see your personality in me, and dear god I hope as I age, that  statement will become less and less true.

I want to burn the bridge that allows you into my life, but I'm not able to erase everything you've done for me. 

...I get so angry when I think about how you're making her feel inadequate and self-conscious. 

All of this has also made realize how dependent she is on you, and I never want to be like her. 

***

Baby Mar/Ru is almost here! Any day now baby girl, we're all waiting on you.

***

Stay at home mom.
Homemaker.
Full-time mother + wife.

We need a better word(s) to describe the full-time job. 

***

It's the last week of my second trimester and in less than 100 days (90 to be exact), our lives will change forever. It's impossible to describe the feeling I have when I think about baby J because I already love her more than anything in the world and I have yet to meet her. 

I'm deathly afraid of becoming a mother; thoughts roll through my head all the time like what if she's not healthy because of something I did or ate while I'm expecting her? Or what if she's not smart because I don't push her hard enough? Or what if I let disappoint her as her mother?

But then, I realize I might not know the first thing about being a mom but going through parenthood with Danny is a huge relief.

***

I believe Danny is simply perfect the way he is, and that's what makes being married to him so easy; he's everything I never knew I wanted...never knew I needed. Serendipity.

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

My first pregnancy has been anything but "normal," and I wouldn't change it for the world. All of the highs and the lows, I'll take it all as long as Danny and I get to meet our baby.

This was Sunday night; for a good hour or two I couldn't do anything without this sharp stabbing feeling in my right abdomen. Of course I googled, and everything from contractions to round ligament pain said nothing about sharp pains so I called the baby line and they got me right into our delivering hospital's Labor and Delivery area. Funny thing was, after seeing a couple of doctors and nurses, my OB came in. Apparently, she was on duty that night and saw my name on the list of patients that checked in so she came by to check on me. She's been really reassuring throughout this pregnancy, and has always taken a conservative approach, so it was a big relief to hear to say I just pulled a muscle while working out.

Phew! I felt bad having Danny take me in at 8pm on a Sunday night but he's always supportive. Gah, he's the best.

Baby girl, you're so blessed to have the best father ever. As for mother, only time will tell. I hope I will be just as great.

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Saturday, March 24, 2018

Boy, I was on such a high after our level 2 ultrasound with the perinatal doctor. Besides more blood being detected on the ultrasound, the doc cleared baby of any spinal bifida and missing chromosomes. He thoroughly explained the elevated blood test results and I was really feeling good.

Adding to that high, just a week later I felt baby move with my hands!!!! She moves around a lot and I'm loving it! Every time she does, I drop what I'm doing to feel her. I can't wait to meet her. Danny is going to be an amazing father.

BUT then I saw my OB this week and the appointment with her really brought on the lows. She said although the perinatal doc said baby is fine, due to the subchorionic hemorrhage I have to start weekly ultrasounds at 28 weeks. I guess it's to measure baby to ensure placenta is doing its job, measure amniotic fluid so it's not getting too low, and make sure my placenta isn't bleeding (placental abruption). I'm all for seeing baby on a screen weekly until I deliver her, but in a normal pregnancy you're only supposed to have 2-3 ultrasounds; to date I've had 5 and will have roughly 12 more if baby is full term. It's concerning for any mother to be, but Danny reassured me my IB is just being extra cautious and conservative.

After every OB appointment I get a printout from her and on it it reads: High Risk Pregnancy. I broke down and bawled after reading it.

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Friday, March 16, 2018

I started to feel what I can only describe as bubbles in my stomach or popcorn popping in my stomach at 15 weeks of carrying. Since then every time I've felt the bubbles or popping sensation i quickly drop what I'm doing and place both hands on my stomach to try and feel it with my hands.

On Monday, March 12th at 12:40am, I finally felt our baby moving with my hands. Such an amazing feeling.

A woman's mind and body are so capable of powerful things.

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Saturday, February 24, 2018

Pregnancy Rollercoaster

Oh, and to piggyback off the previous post: it's been a rollercoaster of emotions because you go through major highs but then major lows.

•First you take at home tests and you see the results are positive: MAJOR HIGH
•But then you start googling and read about how it's not certain until doctor confirms or there's a heartbeat to confirm a viable pregnancy, so you're stuck waiting for your first prenatal visit: MAJOR LOW
•Once you see an OB, see a speck on ultrasound, and hear the baby's heartbeat and everything is confirmed: MAJOR HIGH
•You just wanna share the news with everyone and anyone but then are told (or read online) that you could fall under the 22% (or 35% if you've struggled with endometriosis) of women that miscarry in first twelve weeks: MAJOR LOW and super buzzkill btw
•but you slowly share the amazing news with those you'd want to be there for you if you did miscarry because no one should have to go through it alone: MAJOR HIGH
•four weeks after your first prenatal appointment you go in for your second and are given options to do genetic testing on baby. So, you decide to do go ahead with the tests and have to wait for results: MAJOR LOW
•results come in showing low levels for abnormalities and you're on your thirteenth week and the taboo of waiting until after your first trimester is over to share your pregnancy news are over: MAJOR HIGH
•then your body acts out and you start cramping and spotting. so you see your OB and although she tells you it's normal and you're healthy, she orders an ultrasound to confirm but you have to wait until your ultrasound appointment which isn't for another three to four days: MAJOR LOW
•you get to see baby and see baby move like a gymnast during ultrasound appointment: MAJOR HIGH
•however during same ultrasound appointment you find out you have a sub chronic hemorrhage: MAJOR LOW
•because of sub chronic hemorrhage you wait a week and a half to two weeks for another ultrasound and see that the hemorrhage is now nonexistent: MAJOR HIGH
•you visit your OB for your third prenatal appointment and she gives you the option of doing more genetic testing and since you did the first one, you agree to do another. Blood is drawn but you have to wait for results: MAJOR LOW
•results come in showing levels for abnormality are elevated. OB explains what it COULD mean but you're preoccupied. OB says she will refer you to a group of specialists for level 2 ultrasound to rule out markers. You wait a week for appointment: MAJOR LOW
•you speak with care coordinator at the personal specialist group and she says because level 2 ultrasounds are more in depth than ones done in office with OB, we can choose to cancel our 20 week anatomy scan. This also means we get to find out baby's sex two weeks early: MAJOR HIGH
•but you still have to wait for the appointment and wait to find out if markers will appear or not during scan in six days: MAJOR LOW

and folks, that's where I currently am. What a ride huh? And to think it's not even close to being over yet.

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Unfavorable Honest Feelings

I believe because D and I didn't have trouble conceiving, we're now going through a rollercoaster of emotions during pregnancy.

The things you go through and the emotions you feel aren't things many people in share with you. I honestly thought, once you conceived it'd be a smooth ride of waiting nine months then just deliver baby. Boy was I wrong!

I can already see it unfold this week. Because of the results, I'm staying holed up in our bedroom more, not staying in touch with friends or family, or just an overall loss of interest in everything...

It all started when D and I talked about when would be the "right" time for us to start trying, and we both agreed that waiting to try once we hit six months post marriage would be best for us. However, I unknowingly got pregnant three months in.

Because we weren't trying, I lived my life normally. Normal to what was my current lifestyle and now that could come back to haunt me; except it's not just me, it's my best friend-husband-best human being in the world, and our child.

I shared with my sister what D and I are currently going through in our pregnancy (test results came back early this week) and she goes:

Tiff: it's not anyone's fault. You didn't know
Tiff: you've been super careful since you found out
Tiff: sometimes I think you're too much but you've never cared about something so much until now
Tiff: it's good to see

Leave it to sis to leave me in tears (not that I wasn't already). She's right though; I don't care for a lot of things possession wise because I know many things can be replaced. But I'd never ever purposely hurt my family, never ever my child.

My current five wishes are:

•I'd taken prenatal prior to conceiving (yes, I know we weren't trying)
•taken it easy on working out mid oct-our Hawaii trip (again we weren't trying so I didn't know I was pregnant)
•didn't use the sauna so intensely weeks leading up to Hawaii
•didn't drink and smoke ganja mid oct-Hawaii trip
•I wish I could leave this feeling all behind

You see, I didn't find out I was carrying until six weeks in and I feel like I could've done a lot of damage during the first six weeks of our child's development and now it's eating me up. I can't help but feel so guilty.

As of right now, the lab results that came in were just a diagnosis and NOT a sure thing. But the treatment going forward seems so intense that I feel something has already happened.

My OB referred me to a perinatal specialist group whom will be doing a level 2 ultrasound to complete an in depth-thorough anatomy view of baby to rule out any markers. If they're able to rule it out D and I are to meet with a genetics counselor, even if everything looks to ok on level 2 ultrasound. But I'm not all clear yet, I'd have to do another level 2 ultrasound four weeks later to ensure nothing has grown since. Meanwhile, meet with my OB every two weeks to ensure my placenta is working the way it should because if level ultrasound 2 rules out markers, my elevated levels lab levels could mean not enough oxygen is getting to baby from placenta.

A lot right? And there's more to the treatment going forward because it's basically a big rabbit hole. If this then this, if not this then this...

Everyone keeps asking if I want a boy or a girl, and my answer will always be: a healthy baby.

Call me vain or selfish or what not but I honestly don't know if I can love the child unconditionally if there was something abnormal with him/her. Life would be so hard for them...going to school, making friends...life is already hard. And you know I've been a pretty selfish-shitty human being for most of the 30 yrs of my existence so what if this is the man above's way of "teaching" me a lesson? The lesson being, I need to learn to love another human being completely unselfishly and wholeheartedly.

D is the most honorable, intelligent, kindest human being I know and I'm truly blessed to get to share a life with him as his wife and life partner. I would hate myself if I couldn't bear him a healthy child. Such an "old school" traditional mindset, but that's how I honestly feel.

You know that saying, "No one said it would be easy, they said it'd be worth it." That's the light I'm holding onto.

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Do I miss working?

Yes and no. I miss the look on my team members' faces when I coach them on something they never knew. I miss how grateful my team members were when I prepped them for a successful interview so they could start a new career path. I miss the feeling when you see a team member implement something you coached them on days prior. But do I miss the office politics? Hell no.

A friend of ours asked me how many week my previous company gave for maternity leave and I told him I actually left the company months ago. I also mentioned I was thinking about going back, but when Danny overheard, he said we'd have to weigh the costs first.

I guess I should feel blessed that we're financially stable where we can have one of us be a stay at home parent. But I miss the feeling of professional growth/development. I used to get so anxious before an interview but afterwards the celebration is so worth the loss of sleep.

I miss celebrating my professional successes.

Maybe one day I'll get to feel it again. Until then, I can't wait to make our growing family the center of my world.

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Oversharing

Social media definitely makes it easy to overshare and trust me I used to be one of those that would post on Instagram twice if not three times a week + Snap my every day detail...

I guess with the mental illness I've learned that the whole world doesn't need to know my every single move or thought; which has also led to the strong decline in Instagram posts (I only posted six times last year) and starting to Snap less and less.

But then there's my "hobby" of vlogging. During our annual Galentines dinner, A asked when I was going to post pics of my trip to Hawaii. Truth is, I don't want to otherwise I would've bombarded everyone's feed when the trip happened or right after. I guess I just don't wanna be one of those that post 50x about the same trip even if it's different parts or spread out through TBTS. LOL! Honestly, I cringe at those posts when they show up on my feed 😒 we get it, you went on a trip and it was amazinggggg.

I even had a problem with vlogging on our trip to Hawaii. A huge part of me wanted to just enjoy it in the moment, but then the other half wanted me to document it so we could look back on it. I ended up vlogging, but haven't edited. Maybe one of these days, or maybe not. It was amazingggg but definitely don't wanna do 20 TBT posts to my followers.

My bad if you're guilty of any of the things I've mentioned; It's just so cringey.

Which leads me to respect the shit out of Kylie Jenner's decision to live nine months out of the public eye while she focused on herself and her baby girl.

It's just so easy to want to snap a pic, throw a caption together, and press post. It takes real restraint to want to keep the moment to yourself.

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Wednesday, January 31, 2018

D turns 34 years old this year and he's truly the most amazing human being I've ever met and I'm so blessed that he's chosen to spend the rest of his life with me; you don't know how lucky I am to call him my husband.

2017 started out as blissful as can be for the both of us. We got engaged, planned our wedding, however it took a turn just three months into the year. I let mental illness take over my life, grandpa Yates fell ill and passed, D's father was diagnosed with stage four brain cancer, my brother diagnosed with stage two, and we've sorta been dealing with latter two since.

2017 wasn't all terrible though, we got married and found out that we'll be adding to our family in 2018.

Anyway, back to D; he's so selfless it's unbelievable. The different hats he's had to put on over the past year is what's amazing. Not only has he juggles his full time job, he's also full on supported me when I decided to no longer do what I did professionally (which means he's had to financially support the two of us and our household), fully supported me when my mental illness took over my life, support his father when his grandfather passed, helped my family understand brain cancer when my brother went through surgery and was diagnosed, and now the ongoing duties as a son when his father is slowly dying. And those roles are just a few to name.

He's really stepped up to the plate and there's nothing any of us can do or give that'll repay his graciousness and generosity.

Daniel, you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I will forever love you.

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Monday, January 8, 2018

I'm not sure if it's the surge of hormones, the fact that my father in-law literally couldn't recognize his only grandchildren in a photo, or that a boy who doesn't look a day over six years old is going through radiation therapy, but I'm bawling like a baby right now.

Maybe it's all of the above. Why does Life have to be so beautiful but so painful?

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Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Guilt

I dwell (although I try reallyyyy hard not to because I KNOW it's a waste of time but can't help myself) on my past actions and wish I could have done things differently. When I know I can't, I'm filled with guilt. Well, that's what my therapist says, and we've yet to tackle the problem.

I hate it when my family and friends give me a pass on terrible shit I've done simply bc "Oh, it's just Tammy."

Oh, it's just Tammy because I'll never learn.

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, November 23, 2017

•my husband
•my mom
•my Tiffany
•my dave
•my dad
•my soon to be brother in law
•my emmy
•my amanda
•my Oanh
•my jane
•my trina
•my Yates'
•my two functioning legs
•the fact that I'm currently in LA waiting to board a plane to Hawaii with my husband

Obviously one could go on and on about the things they're grateful for but that and they are the ones that came to mind in the first 30 seconds.

***

After my interactions with family and friends I think A LOT about my actions. Like how I don't nearly make enough effort to find out what's going on in their lives. Or how I somehow make every topic about me. Yup, I'm THAT person. I hope it's a recently developed bad habit, and if it's not then boy do I not deserve my core group. Not that I do anyway, they're seriously the best girls anyone could ask for in life.

So there are a few things I'm going to work on and hopefully I'll be a better me by the time I'm 30.

I believe that's why I have anxiety when I'm in a social setting. It's like I don't know how to act or talk or think around anyone anymore. Starting and carrying a conversation used to be so easy and it should be with family and friends, but I've noticed I freeze up at times and then I just answer questions that are asked and that's that.

***

Off topic, but I finally have an answer to the question "what is your hobby?"

***
I know I haven't shown much excitement for our trip to Hawaii and that's because I've always envisioned a much more exotic place for our honeymoon. However, I remind myself that we're currently a household of two with just one income, and there are people out there that can't afford simple necessities so I'm out in my place and I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I've found a man who's beyond my dreams and he actually wants to spend the rest of his life with a loser like me!

Really excited to make more memories with D.

***
It's funny because I know...I realize how blessed I truly am...but I keep taking everything and everyone for granted.

WHYYYYYYYYY







Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Light

It's the very first breath 
When your head's been drowning underwater

*****

I know keeping up with current events definitely isn't helping me. I often question my purpose after I read or watch the shit that goes on in this world. I often question "Why them and not me?" I often think we're the real suckers, we're all the ones stuck in hell..living in this terrible world. I often think to myself "How could I ever bring my child into this world full of hate?"

I have many questions that the man above hasn't answered, but I need to remind myself that I'm still here for a reason. I don't need to know the purpose now, but soon enough I will.

I just have to trust in him.
I just have to trust in myself to see the light in the darkest of times.
I just have to trust in my husband to support my decision.
I just have to trust in my family and friends to help me see this through.

You're the reason I believe in life.

*****

I'm a planner. It's amazing yet scary at the same time the things I'm capable of planning and seeing through.

I've thought of this for quite some time now. Up until now, I've trusted myself to not take action on it, but I haven't been so sure of myself lately.

It'd be so easy, so easy to make this all go away; it'd be so easy to make their pain go away.

*****

I was so stupid to have ever believed that everyone would be happy if they'd just decide to be. Not everyone is that blessed to get to choose how they feel.

******

Right now, I'm feeling passionate about:

  • educating young adults about mental illness
    • because it all starts with making sure the future of our world can identify symptoms, be comfortable to seek professional assistance, and will hopefully end the stigma
Right now, I'm feeling passionate about:
  • sharing my personal experience with MDD
    • because I want to educate others that there isn't one single path and that mental illness doesn't have a path it follows; it goes and does whatever it please so it comes in all shapes and sizes (some more severe than others)
    • and also because I want to contribute to ending the stigma



Thursday, August 24, 2017

Signs

I never saw it coming until it was too late. Here are nine signs to look out for:

1. Changes in sleep
2. Mood swings
3. No longer engaging in hobbies
4. Crying constantly
5. Recurrent Worries That Aren't Relative To Your Life
6. Chronic muscle tightness
7. Poor digestion issues
8. Guilt and self loathing
9. Talking to yourself

Source: http://bit.ly/2vu2ieu

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

"tammy! I think dave is having a seizure!"

Seizure; I'm pretty sure I didn't grasp what he was saying to me because I told him to get D. And he turned his back and ran over to him.

The man above has thrown my family into some really unbearable situations the past two months. Starting with D's father being diagnosed out of nowhere with glioblastoma and then my youngest sibling having a seizure at my wedding reception.

I hate to say this but it's almost bittersweet. Both times were unexpected, however, both times my family has come out on top and stronger than ever.

I was beginning to think life was TOO long for me and that i couldn't bear living in this horrible world for so long, but after recent family events I couldn't be anymore wrong. Life is not too long, life is too short.

Life is too short to be spending your days worrying about tomorrow because it truly isn't promised. You'll never know if those mean words you uttered to a loved one when you were angry with them for something petty will be the last words you'll ever get to say to them. Let's not have any regrets.

I'm going to think long and hard about how I spend my time going forward. I'm also going to think long and hard about the people I want to spend time with; make your time worth it.

I've never cried so much in two months before over the fear of losing a loved one. And somehow the man above teased my family with the THOUGHT of losing two loved ones.

Death is too real, but so is this life I've been given. I must be blessed with this time for something right? I must have a purpose here.

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, August 21, 2017

"It was a great day! Stop focusing on the negatives, it's all done and over with."

I've noticed that I dwell on things longer than I have in the past. What kills me is that I KNOW I SHOULDNT DWELL but I do it anyways because I CANT CONTROL IT.

The mind is such a powerful thing. Your brain is such a complex organ.

• I wished I spent more time talking to my friends and family (especially those that traveled far to be a part of our celebration)
• I wished I spent more time getting to know D's parents' friends that traveled in from out of state
• I wished I had better control over the seating arrangement; my cousin's mom (she's like an aunt to me but isn't officially apart of the family) had a seat with actual guests but was stuck sitting with vendors bc the list with the seating chart got messed up
• I wished I didn't spend so much on my wedding dress; I would've been happy with something from F21 or Lulu's for 90% less
• I wished I thought through the details more; seating chart, a menu was missing, how the desserts were displayed and when, probably wouldn't have done the chair covers, probably would not buy as many kegs and put more money toward liquor, enforce the no shot rule,
• I wished we spent more time with each table when we went around the tables
• i wished we got a viet dj to do it all; play viet songs for the OGs and the rest for everyone else
• I wished we had signs to direct guests to: the photo booth, late night snacks, coffee & tea, desserts
• i wished we did a rehearsal for the ceremony with the wedding party, ushers, family, and officiant
• I wished didn't drink as much so I could have done 90% of the things listed above so I wouldn't beat myself up over it now

...but it's just who I am now. My mind messes with me and I'm paralyzed.


Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, August 3, 2017