Thursday, October 7, 2010

Love letter to the past

All over the world some wait for it, some go searching for it, some find it, and some don’t. That’s the crazy thing, at the age of twenty-two I had it, and I could still have it right at this very moment but I refuse to let myself consume it. My close friends tell me I’m just burying it, but how?—When there’s nothing to bury, well on my end at least

We spent a total of five and a half years learning, experiencing, growing, laughing, crying, smiling, traveling, trusting, and fighting together. We were by each other’s side for the small and the major events in life. The moment we first met, all of our IM chats, birthdays, each other’s proms, each other’s graduations, our first vacation, family problems, all of the times I’ve spent in the hospital overnight, etc. It’s rather insane to know that with all of the time we spent doing everything together neither one of us loved each other, or maybe we did and we just let our pride get the best of us. Whatever it was, you were too late.

The first couple of years were a rollercoaster ride. Highs and lows all over the place, but I loved it. The feelings, tears, arguments, betrayals made our relationship real. With everything we went though we both faced it head on and grew from it together, making our commitment and relationship stronger. We started in heaven, went down to hell, and together got back up to heaven. Even though we gave each other wounds and scars, they healed eventually and finally, a man where I was comfortable being myself with, felt secure with, saw a future with, could be honest with, and trusted him with my whole life.

Even though we were committed to each other, we didn’t suffocate each other. We still had our own lives, but were still active in each other’s. I still went out with my friends, he still went out with his, and we’d all spend time with each other. We trusted each other because we knew no matter whom we were with or what we were doing, at the end of the night I was his and he was mine. We were happy. Or so I thought we were. We started dating when the both of us were rather young. You could even say we were high school sweethearts. I never had a problem with commitment, because I’m a one man kind of woman, but he let his curiosity get the best of him.—get the best of us.

When friends had heard what happened everyone was shocked because it seemed so impulsive and truth is, it was. Just because I didn’t bring it up doesn’t mean I didn’t know. When you’ve been with someone for so long you know when something is wrong with them without them having to say a single word. I brought it up one night, told him he could have as long as he needed/wanted to think about what he wanted. Even though that went completely against my rules for a relationship because I’ve always believed that no one should need to take the time to think about wanting to be with someone, they should just know. But I was too selfish to let go just yet.

When a relationship like ours comes to an abrupt halt, a lot of things rush to your mind: the time/energy both of us had invested, our future together, memories we've created come rushing back, and our family and friends…what would they think? I dwelled so much on the door that had just shut in my face that I didn’t see the patient new door that opened when the other closed. I soon realized that time and energy is only wasting if we continue, there can’t be a future for two people who disagree on common goals and values in life, new memories can and will be created, and family/friends are not in the relationship with you so their opinion shouldn’t matter. I told him he could take as long as he wanted and he took a measly couple of days to decide the fate of our five and a half year relationship.

When a five and a half year relationship ends, everyone just assumes that it would end badly or that I would’ve been really consumed by it. I even thought I would’ve dwelled on it for a long time, but we’re all stronger than we think we are. It was easier than I thought it would’ve been. In the first month of being single again, I went to New York City with a few friends where I fell in love immediately with the city when I got off the plane. I went to school, work, and hung out with friends. Day by day thoughts of him; what we were and what we had slowly drifted from my mind. Eventually, I felt nothing.

I’m pretty sure men have this radar where they can tell when you’re content and happy and just when you are they come intruding in. That’s exactly what he did. He came back with nonstop text messages, phone calls, unexpected work visits, etc. It all got to the point where it was stalkerish. I still remember our face to face conversations at Lake Calhoun where he spilt his heart and soul to me. What made everything memorable was that during those conversations, even when he finally told me he loved me, I felt nothing back. That was the moment when I knew I could either A) lie to him and to myself and make everything okay for this hurt man sitting in front of me or B) stay true to myself and let life run its course.

In the next few months, mutual friends would try to talk me into getting back with him. Running into him at mutual friends’ birthdays and parties didn’t help. Although I have no feelings for him it still made me feel guilty seeing a person I had cared for so much hurt because of me. I’ve thought about getting back with him so many times just so I could relieve his pain. But it wouldn’t have been the right thing to do. We’ve tried to be friends, but it’s too hard when one person feels something on a whole different level for the other person. I was annoyed going downtown, running into him and having him watch my every move like a hawk. He’d even drunk text me at the end of the night with bullshit gibberish. Maybe one day we can be friends, I have high hopes for it. While my friends have high hopes for us to get back together and get married. I’m not going to close all doors on the idea, but it’s kind of hard to marry someone you don’t love, let alone have any feelings for.

It’s been six months now and looking back I’m glad I didn’t succumb to my guilt, his feelings, or my friends’ peer pressure. I don’t regret being with him for that long, I’m just glad and scared. Glad because it happened and has definitely made me realize what I want and don’t want out of a man and a relationship with one. Scared because someone loves me, and I let not only him go, but our comfort, security, trust, and memories go too. What if (something I rarely think about), I never find a man who’ll think I’m beautiful, would put my life before his, trusts me, comforts me, and travels with me the way Thinh did?—But that’s a risk I’m willing to take and like I said, I’m comfortable and confident on my own. I don’t need a man, I just want one. Because sharing happiness is better than having happiness all to yourself. I just don't like dating. Learning to get to know another person or people all over again, learning to trust them, trust that their actions and their words are genuine and it isn't just to try and get some ass...etc etc. Familiarity v.s. mystery.

One thing I hated and loved at the same time about our relationship was how everyone thought we were perfect. Obviously it wasn't true, but in some sense we kind of were. Time will only tell what'll happen for the both of us, but out of everything that I want, I just want him to be happy again. I hope he finds someone that'll make him happy again, and I hope the girl doesn't do him wrong because he truly is a good man, just not the man for me.

Feels good to get that all out in the open. Thanks for reading.

You'll never find the right person, if you never let go of the wrong one.

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