I am a mess right now. I seriously need to make it a goal to learn how to manage my time better. Since I've booked my flight, I had ALL this time to pack and get ready but I just had to wait til the day I'm leaving to start getting things ready.
I am soooo thankful for a friend right now. If my good friend Chris didn't text me asking when I'll be arriving I would've still thought my flight was at 7:30pm. When he asked me that I quickly logged into my email to check the itinerary and it was for 4:30pm.
I've gotten a total of 5 hours of sleep the past 96hours (four days). I am a walking zombie, and my friends keep asking if I'm on meth or coke. I try to sleep, this definitely isn't by choice like it usually is. If depriving me of sleep is a punishment, I'll do a lot of things to be unpunished. Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Friday: Went to a couple house parties. The first one was to see some friends who came into town from Chicago. Always a pleasant time w/these goof balls! Stayed there for a little while then went to see the Goons.
Chicago boys w/Oanh and I + birthday Boy Sonny
Again this time replace Sonny w/Anthony and some random dude
Tommy, me, and Khai ready to shotgun our beers
*****
Saturday: Went to see the Goons/Y&R at Emmy and Fanyan's house. Ate some bomb ass fish tacos, played spades, and had an intense ass categories game for drinks. It ended bittersweet, but ya know we're all family, everything will get worked out. After leaving Emmy and Fanyan's went to pick up some of the Chicago goofballs and went out to eat!!
Bui decided to hop in the pic but these were the spades players. Louis holding the 'L' cause Oanh and I lost to him and Ricky )=
In the past two weeks I've finished three books and out of the three I really liked two of them.
I really need to make a post on my thoughts, feelings, favorite quotes, etc on the books I've read so far. Sometime soon perhaps?
I just did a book haul on Tuesday. I picked up seven books all for under $6! The only problem w/that is which one to pick and start reading next? Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
I hit the power button, point it at my object, a quick glance at the LCD screen, and CLICK. It’s funny how a click of a button could capture so much in a second. And in that second, I capture a moment, a moment that will be nothing but a memory, or words we’ll all try to describe again the next day, month, and even years from that second. A moment that’ll never be relived again.
As that second turns into minutes, hours, days, months, and years people change. The person you called your best friend might not be the same tomorrow, and that’s the best part about a photograph: although the people in them may have changed, the captured moment stays the same. The smile, the joy, the tears, the laughter, the anticipation, all of the emotions shown on the photograph doesn't hide a thing.
I remember the day my dad handed me my first digital camera. It was a Sony 3.2 megapixel point and shoot. Back then they didn’t make those things as thin and compact as they do now. The thing was as long as my wallet and as thick as a Jodi Picoult novel, but I loved it. I carried the thing everywhere I went, snapping so many memories. Memories that my friends and I still talk about today. I’ve gone through more point and shoots than one can count on both hands and it all shows on my Fotki (I still need to unlock that thing for memory purposes) albums.
Although I carried the thing everywhere with me the memories mainly consists of captured moment’s w/friends, hardly any of family. In 2011, I’m going to change that.
My family
I was too young to remember having this photo taken, but it's one of the rare ones we have of everyone together, so I carry it with me in my little black notebook as a reminder of two values I have.
Me: Where'd you get the jacket? Brother: Why? Me: I don't know...it looks nice? Brother: Oh, at the Gap. Me: Please don't tell me you paid full price. Brother: No... Me: How much? Brother: It was on sale. Me: How much? Brother: (while look at my nose) It was on sale. Me: You're lying. Brother: Yup. Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
If you think you're having a bad morning, well at least you're not this person:
Okay, now do you feel better? ^_^ Have a wonderfully awesome day everyone.
*****
"When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always get worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better."
Verse 1 Now tell me do I wish too much? is it cause I kick it and I drink too much? But the truth is I wanna live too much. And you're the type of girl I'd like to give too much, till it's enough. Please tell me I'm close to your type Not cute but I know what's right Not sweet but I know what's nice and I could make you laugh and smile all night Might mess up and say the wrong lines and I tend to say things at all the wrong times But I'm confident that we're so right even with these flaws I'm not the wrong guy Off bat, I could say I'm not book smart but I'm smart enough to protect your heart dump your past it belongs in the junkyard let's hook up all we need is a jumpstart
Chorus I wish I was somebody special, special in your eyes
Verse 2: Tell me do I think too much? Is it what I'm feeling makes you trip too much? If we choose to pass, might miss too much. you know I'm into you cause I hint too much, is it enough? Please tell me that I cross your mind Ever think about crossing that line? Can I prove that I'm worth the risk so I could prove that I'm worth your time Not buff but I know my loves strong Not rich but I'll write you a love song What you're getting is a part of me and that right there is the heart from me, yeah.
I don't really know how to say this but.. you're the only song in my playlist, love.
get a little closer when we hug but what i'm feeling might be too much..
I wish I was somebody special, special in your eyes..
--not really a big fan of the music video (enough booze?), but the lyrics and beat is good.
I don't feel for people who complain about not having a job at all. Sort of like I don't feel for people who are homeless. If you're complaining about not having a job, then you're obviously too picky or you think your self value is too high. Who the hell are you to think you're too good to work at McDonald's or to be a janitor of some building? --Yeah cause you're better than that right? Because you're better than those who do hold those positions.
Everyone starts somewhere, and it's usually from the ground up. I feel sorry for people who were born with a silver spoon in their mouth. I really do believe that in order to enjoy something in life, you have to work hard to get it.
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.
You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
I'm sure many of us growing up had a favorite parent to go to ask for the things you wanted. For my siblings and I the parent was my dad. Both parents love us unconditionally and it's clear they only want the best for us, but my dad was easier to get to say yes. And on occasions he'd give us "Go ask mummy." We all dreaded it when he'd say that because she was more money conscious (one time my dad came home out of nowhere with two big boxes, in the boxes were $10,000 speakers) But over the years I've picked up on her habit of saying no first, and then minutes after saying no she'll feel bad for saying it and then she'll come to you in a soft toned voice and ask you if you want it or sometimes she'll go get it for you and surprise you with it.
Just got off the phone w/my brother and I realized I picked up my mother's habit of saying no and feeling bad right after. Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
...people who don't know how to mind their own business. Is your life that dull that you have to stick your nose, ears, and eyes into other people's lives? Especially the lives of those you claim to not care for.
...people who only listen to a couple different genres of music. You're truly missing out in life. All of my mixed cd's are literally mixed. There isn't one cd in my car that's strictly just rap, or pop. Every genre has something to offer in your life.
...people who are picky eaters. If there's one thing you should know about me, you should know that I'm a big foodie. I will try everything at least once or twice (because maybe the first time I tried it there were external factors that led to my dissatisfaction), and I believe everyone should be open minded and do the same. You'll just never know unless you try.
...people who live their lives by the books. Rules are meant to be broken. That is all.
...people who are consistently sad, down, depressed, distressed, gloomy (you get the point) about a guy/girl. I've never gotten why people revolve their lives around a significant other, but then again I've never been in love either. But, if you're single and you're always one of those things listed above, get over it. No really, move the fuck on. Why do you feel like you need a significant other to make you happy in life? Is the roof over your head, the food on the table, your family and friend's presence in life not enough for you? Who cares if you don't have someone to cuddle with at night, get a long pillow. Who cares if you don't have anyone to talk to about your day, write in a blog/journal or call a friend. Hell, I'll listen to what you have to say about your shitty day because you want someone and you feel lonely w/o a boyfriend/girlfriend. I believe you gotta be happy with yourself and your life in order to truly be happy w/another person (significant other).
...people who don't know how to forgive. A lot of my friends find it amazing at how easy it is for me to forgive someone, and I just tell them "Well, what's the point of holding a grudge?" Are you making life easier for yourself by doing that? No because everytime you hear that person's name or see them you're always going to feel hate and anger. I'm all for being happy all of the time, for as long as I'm breathing, I shall be happy. Hate and anger doesn't bring me happiness so I try my best to let things go as soon as I can. With experience I've learned to do so, and from experience I'm 99.9% happy, all. of. the. time. They say only the strong can forgive, are you weak?
...people who don't get out there and explore. I don't remember if I told you this story before or not, but one of my old customer at Wells Fargo came in one day. It was a Friday afternoon and usually on Fridays I ask the usual "So what are your plans for the weekend" question to build up some rapport and out of pure curiosity. I asked the customer the question and she who was an elder lady who had to be about in her fifties or sixties said "Oh, I'm leaving town." and you can imagine for yourself what I asked next and so on...but then sometime down the conversation I asked her if she's ever traveled out of the country and her response a shocking: "Why would I leave the country for? There is nothing to see out there, everything I need to see or know is here in the United States..." I was so shaken up by her remark that I just didn't say anything until she left my window. The world may be small (in a sense of who knows who), but there's sooooo much to learn, see, eat, feel, and meet. I haven't been out of the country more than I can count on one hand, but I do know that you can't people watch in the United States like the French do outside of their Cafe's. Or that you can't go snorkling w/the butterflyfish, clownfish, remora suckerfish, or even the flying gurnard in the United States like you can in Australia's Great Barrier Reef. Or you can't float in water without even flapping your arms or wiggling your legs in the United States like you can in the Dead Sea. People who think the world has nothing to offer them are a waste of flesh and space.
...people who don't take risks. Sometimes you need to take the leap of faith, and dive into the unknown in order to gain something. In fact, if you think about everyone who's apart of your life and the events that took place to get to where you are in life right now, it all consists of: trusting people you've just met to build a friendship and foundation for a relationship and from there it grows to something more, and trusting your intuition that the decision you just made is the right one because we all aren't 100% sure of how the outcome will turn out.
*****
"Everything that needs to happen, will happen, in the time that it takes to happen, the way it was meant to happen. You need to trust in that."
(Warning! This is all repeat, just worded differently) If you're one of my twitter followers and you're reading this then you know that I've been spending endless amounts of time with my family lately. Not only do I enjoy spending quality time with my parents and siblings, but it's much needed. I feel like I need to make up for being such a horrible daughter and sister when I was younger. If there was an award for such a thing, I'd win and the caption next to a mugshot would say "Tammy, worst daughter and sister in the world." I'm not over exaggerating either. I put my parents through hell, and after everything they are still right beside me giving me their unconditional love and support no matter how many times I have and will fuck up.
I've been told countless amounts of times in the past to always watch what I do and say because I have to be a role model for my younger siblings. And let's just say with me putting my parents through hell, the things I did as a teenager and even up until now aren't things a role model should be doing. But thankfully I have a smart sister and brother, they know to learn from my mistakes without making them.
*****
Against the walls. Against your rules. Against my skin.
This is one of the few days I wish I hadn't made my blog public for the world to see. I have so much I want to type, and not only do I not know how to get the words out in print, but also because a lot of it I would rather conceal between family and friends whom have grown to be family (even most of them don't know).
I may not know exactly who reads this thing, but if I had to take a shot at naming a few names I would be correct. I try not to let that effect what I write on here, but sometimes it's for the better.
Screw long walks on the beach. I like long walks to the refrigerator.
Trying to get some work done before I head out to run errands w/Papa Le again. I had to cancel lunch plans I made last night to eat w/him, but family comes before anything and anyone. I always spend time one on one with my mom, but this was the first time I actually spent one on one time with my dad in a really long time. We discussed future plans, and I'm super uberly excited for what 2011 has to bring for not only myself but for my family. If you know me I get joy out of sharing things w/friends and family, especially good news. But I feel like I should keep a tight lip on these future plans just because no one other than my family should know about it.
My parents are finally getting the point. I'm really the only one who's ever home in this house, and that's still not a lot. There's no point in keeping this house if no one takes advantage of it.
Ahhh!!! I'm so so so so so excited for what's to come. Everything is to make my family's life easier. Especially for my parents, they're not getting any younger. They've worked so hard to get to where they are, they deserve everything life has to offer and more.
I'm convinced my parents guilt tripped me into eating dinner w/them today so they could make sure I stay home on this cold night. Normally I've always had enough freedom to come and go and stay out as late as I please, but lately it seems like my parents have been a little more worried than usual. My mom knew I had plans to go out after dinner, but they still chose to go to the casino to eat even after knowing there'd be a two hour wait. And after dinner, my dad went ahead and parked their car behind mine so I won't be able to get out of the garage...ok mom and dad, I'll stay home tonight to please you.
So expect lots of random posts tonight, because there's nothing I love more than to write.
Wallet: Gucci Dream Car: I've always wanted a black on black Denali Toothbrush: orange handle, Oral B Jewelry Always: my seven lucky gold bracelets and my white gold cross necklace; always Pillowcase: solid black Eyes: Dark brown Room: clothes everrrryyywhere Love Life: Non existent Perfume: ralph lauren ralph pink bottle and marc jacobs cucumber Piercings: n/a Wearing: maroon u of m sweat pants w/a black v-neck tee Wanting: mango fro-yo w/strawberries, kiwi, mochi, and crushed crunch chocolate pieces AND cuddling by the fire w/a good heartfelt conversation On the iPod: i don't have one, everything's on my BlackBerry Last thing you ate: thick cut raw prime rib w/au jus sauce Something you're afraid of: losing a member of my immediate family
Intro: First you find it so intriguing, your heart is beating its so misleading, the want grows into god I need it, then you find it slowly leaving, you look for something just the same, so you can feel it once again, you go through strangers but its strange, and go back to salvage what remains,
Verse1 drunken advances, multiple chances, rookie romantics in need of practice, we’re students of love, in and out of classes, go for the ride until it crashes, Ive been through enough to have learned my lessons, from puppy love throughout my adolescence, we’re friends and enemies, the same identity, you’re a source of strength but a waste of energy, we play that game that some aren’t built for, feel that pain that some would kill for, we drank we smoke, we’ve taken the pillform, got high with you even as your mentor, what we had seemed irreplaceable, till I ran and got a taste of new, but my sex drive was just a waste of fuel, shoulda just used it all on my race to you,
Hook: I'm naked, I'm numb, I'm stupid, I'm staying And if Cupid's got a gun, then he's shootin'
Lights black, Heads bang, You're my drug, We live it You're drunk, you need it, Real love, I'll give it
So we're bound to linger on We drink the fatal drop Then love until we bleed Then fall apart in parts
Verse 2: when im in im in, put my chips on black, your kiss burned my lips like I just hit crack, turn the lights off we get it crackin, turn the lights on and we lose the passion, we try new things by lying and cheating, a constant cycle of goodbyes and greetings, act like love has a higher meaning, we’re afraid to let loose of are tied up demons, time consuming, mind confusion, im trying theres gotta be a science to it, is it worth the effort, im not an expert, once a heckler before the pressure, a constant battle with no winner at the end, a simple breakdown from lover to a friend, friend to an enemy than lover once again, it comes and goes as subtle as the wind, it comes and goes as subtle as the wind, subtle as the wind,
You live and you learn. I've done this and that. Been here and there.
All I'm trying to do now is live right and leave the shadow of my past where it should be, the past. Sucks when 90% of everyone you meet or have met already have preconceived judgments about you.
So am I the sucker w/the bad past or are you the sucker w/the prejudgments of me? --I say if you aren't giving me a chance today because of those judgments then you're the sucker. Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
If there was one thing I learned in 2010, it would be to never judge anyone. I’ve been trying my hardest to not judge anyone for whom they are or for the things they have or are doing. Things I’ve learned and why I try not to judge anyone:
1) We’re all individuals. We all have our own hearts, minds, and eyes. We all might experience similar things in life but we all do not feel the same, think the same, or see things the same as everyone else.
2) People make their decisions and choices on what they feel are best for them and their happiness. I can’t judge someone for the things they do or have done without knowing the reason behind it.
3) I have lost months, maybe even years of a potential great friendship(s) because I judged someone(s) before getting to know them on a more in depth level. But better late than never, I dropped my barriers for that person, and to my surprise we’re great friends (or so I think we are hehe). Goes to show that you truly can’t judge someone off from what they’re letting you perceive of them. Give everyone a chance because everyone has something to offer in your life. Even if they break your trust, deceive you, and do you wrong, you still learned something right?
4) I’ve always believed that you perceive only what the person wants you to perceive so there’s always more than what meets the eye. I let others see me as this girl whose crazy, drinks a lot, parties a lot, never likes to stay home, etc…but my close friends can vouch otherwise. So I can’t judge someone off what they put on for the world to see, like #3 I’d probably be surprised if I got to know some of the people I’ve brushed off.
5) Like, #3 and #4 I’ve “wasted” a lot of my time on friendships I thought were great because I judged them to be better people than they actually were. That doesn’t mean I’m going to necessarily cut them out of my life (see reason #7 on why), but I know to not spend so much of my time and efforts on them.
6) There are some things that are out of the person(s)’s control. Do you think they wanted pimples and acne on their face and/or body? Do you think they wanted to wear glasses? Do you think they wanted a big nose? Do you think they wanted curly or straight hair? Do you think they wanted their teeth to be crooked? –Yeah exactly, so shut up.
7) Ever since summers end and even ‘til now I consistently still get comments here and there on how much I have changed as a person. Obviously these changes weren’t overnight, but gradually the person I am today is different in many ways from the person I was six or seven months ago. Not everything has changed of course, and some can argue against this but a lot of my close friends have said it’s been for the better. And that’s why I don’t judge a book (person) by the cover because most of our books (life) are still being written, as so is mine. 8) It is absolutely disgusting when I see people judge people I love and care for. I wouldn’t want to bring that feeling upon someone else, especially when I don’t know them.
9) So you’ve heard this and that about them, but like the game of telephone we all played in grade school, by the time you heard what you heard how much of it is true? And even if it was true it all goes back to reason #2.
10) 99% of the time you only know their name, not their story. We’ve all gone through things to make us who we are. Who are we to judge a person and say that the way they are dressed, how they are feeling or what they’re doing is wrong or right? We don't know the trials and tribulations or the good fortunes that have brought them to be the way they are, like most people don't know the things we have been through to make us who we are either.
Just a good tune for the ears on a sunday evening:
I think it's funny when people seek validation from others when making a choice, decision, or just on what they're doing. Are you THAT unconfident of yourself that you have to seek others for approval on something that'll be affecting YOUR life not their's? They don't know what you're feeling, what you're seeing through your eyes, and most of all they aren't the ones living w/the consequences. Be confident in what you're doing, feeling, and of your choices and decisions. Trust that everything will turn out good in the end even if it's not good right now.
I have to remind myself of this sometimes. These are one of the times. Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream..." -The Alchemist
That's just one of my favorites from the book. At 167 pages I finished it in a day. I thank S.S. for letting me borrow it. The book has become one of my favorites, probably because it's relevant to me, but I highly recommend it to everyone.
I'm probably going to write another post on this book later on, but I'm currently reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
I’ve always been overly protective of my family. I don’t tolerate people who put them down in any way no matter who you are. I remember sticking up for my brother, even fighting little boys when we were younger because he was getting picked on by some kids who thought they could get away with it. I feel like I’m even more protective of him now because of how he has been.
For the people that already know him or have met him, yes I know he’s different but once you really have a conversation with him and see how he is as a person you’ll see a whole different side of him that not many get to see. I’ve brought him to a couple get togethers in the past couple of weeks and I think there are only a couple of people who have taken the time to really do that. Thanks for giving him a chance, and not judging him like everyone else does.
And for those of you who didn’t even know I had a brother to begin with or for those who knew but have never met him there’s a reason for that. So many of you judge people, and I’m sick of people doing that. I don’t give a fuck if you judge me, but when you judge my family members that is a different story. It’s not that I’m embarrassed or ashamed of who he is, I just want to protect him because not everyone understands what it’s like to have someone in your life that you care for a lot who has certain conditions that they can’t control.
99.9% of my friends are scared of him. Even my guy friends who aren’t scared of anything or anyone are scared of him. I knew why they were, but I never understood why until a couple of days ago. It was the closest experience I’ve ever have gotten to him hurting me, ever. It made me realize a couple of things: 1. He’s capable of hurting people (I know this from his past history), but when it comes to his immediate family he won't physically do anything to inflict pain. 2. He just wants us to know what he's capable of doing.
My sister and I talked about the incident after it happened and she told me a story that made me see his selfless side and think on past events that reflected that side also. Despite what any doctor, psychiatrist, person, says he is my brother. I love him, and he has a heart.
I was probably about three or four years old. My family and I were renting this house in an older neighborhood in Eagan before we moved to Bloomington to live with one of my aunts from my mom’s side. There’s bits and pieces that I remember from that house, but one memory that I’ll never forget was when we were all sleeping on a couple of mattresses laid out on the ground in one of the bedrooms, I woke up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream . I sat up and stared at my two little siblings sleeping in front of me. I took my index finger from each hand and stuck it Tiff and Dave’s palm. They must’ve felt it because when I did that they both squeezed my index fingers.
That moment made me realize I was a big sister and that it was my job to protect them. My sister now has a wonderful boyfriend whom my family adores to protect her. So it's just my brother left.
*****
I was sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch w/my dad, sister, and Paul (for those of you who don't know he's my sister's boyfriend). I was telling them how I got tickets to go on The Price is Right, and my dad starts imitating Bob Barker "And we have Tammy from Minnesota up here." Then my sister joins in and starts talking about how I'll bid on something for a dollar but it'll turn out to be .50 cents. I was laughing hysterically when Paul joins in on the fun and says "And when she's spinning the wheel, she's gonna have to ask for help cause she's too short and the wheel will be too heavy." --I love little simple things like this. Makes my day complete. Oh and I thought all of this would be too weird for Paul, but he joined in on the fun...welcome to the family kiddo.
Pretty much sums up my life. Even though things haven't been going my way, I can't complain because I'm living the good life. <3
Lyrics:
Woke up in London yesterday Found myself in the city near Piccadilly Don't really know how I got here I got some pictures on my phone
New names and numbers that I don't know Address to places like Abbey Road Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want We're young enough to say
Oh this has gotta be the good life This has gotta be the good life This could really be a good life, good life
Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight Like this city is on fire tonight This could really be a good life A good, good life
To my friends in New York, I say hello My friends in L.A. they don't know Where I've been for the past few years or so Paris to China to Col-or-ado
Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e What there is to complain about
When you're happy like a fool Let it take you over When everything is out You gotta take it in
Oh this has gotta be the good life This has gotta be the good life This could really be a good life, good life
Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight Like this city is on fire tonight This could really be a good life A good, good life
Hopelessly I feel like there might be something that I'll miss Hopelessly I feel like the window closes oh so quick Hopelessly I'm taking a mental picture of you now 'Cuz hopelessly The hope is we have so much to feel good about
Oh this has gotta be the good life This has gotta be the good life This could really be a good life, good life
Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight Like this city is on fire tonight This could really be a good life A good, good life
Oh yeah Good, good life Good life Ooh
Listen My friends in New York, I say hello My friends in L.A. they don't know Where I've been for the past few years or so Paris to China to Col-or-ado
Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e What there is to complain about
I don't really like live concerts, but OneRepublic has got to be the best concerts I've ever been to. I won a pair of tickets while I was living STL and went to it. They're soooooo amazing live. They're really entertaining, they're all talented, and they're actually good live performers. Ryan Tedder is also so talented; singing and writing his own lyrics.
I fucked myself in the ass with this one. I put my plan into action a little too late and now whatever I had planned for myself at the end of last year will have to be postponed. But hey, setbacks happen all of the time right? I just gotta believe that this happened for a reason.
I believe you realize your own strength when you've hit rock bottom, and you don't hold anyone's hand to get back up but your own.
I've been spending a lot more time with my parents lately.Whether it's learning how to cook from my mom, eating out with them, shopping with them or whatever it is we're doing we're learning things about each other, and I love it.
My parents have caught onto my obsession with taking pictures of food. In the kitchen my mom at first kept asking me "Why do you always take pictures of food?" so I told her about my Facebook and Twitter.
When eating out with my parents, when the food gets brought out to the table my dad will tell everyone to don't pick at it until I take pictures of each dish. And if I don't take a picture of a dish he'll ask me why I didn't take a picture of that dish.
And I'm leaving soon and my dad knows of my habit to overpack for every vacation I go on and he's like "Tammy you're going for ______. Don't pack too much. You're probably going to go shopping too." --Oh daddy. ^_^
I just downloaded (yes I know tsk tsk for not supporting my favorite artists) Taylor Swifts current album Speak Now, and I'm obsessed. She's so talented and I hope she'll never let fame get to her.
"...if you’re trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will look down at you anyhow. And if you’re trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone."-Tuesdays With Morrie (one of my favorite books)
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This weekend was a nice beginning to the New Year. For New Year’s eve, although I had intentions of stopping by a few different places to see all of my friends, I didn’t get a chance to because of my time management or my lack of. But I did get to spend it with a small group of close friends. They have been complaining that I never spend any holidays with them, and that it has been about forever (I honestly can’t think of the last time) since I even spent NYE with them. Although the group was small, it was nice and always memorable.
Although I knew I was going to be seeing S.S. for NYE, I didn’t plan on kissing him for the midnight kiss. He was the first one I hugged and said Happy New Year’s to, and seeing the look in his eyes and the want in em, I gave him a peck on the lips (not a kiss!). I kind of wished I didn’t give him that peck, but I’m glad I didn’t give him a full on one. I’m not ready for that kind of intimacy (haha I sound like a 12 year old since so many of you think a kiss is just a kiss).
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After dinner last night with the Goons, I had a girl friend ride with me to our destination for the night and we talked about her relationship with her not-yet-boyfriend-but-they-do-things-that-couples-do guy. A few things came up that she asked me about (I hope she doesn’t kill me for posting a couple of our conversations up):
J: “So it’s all or nothing?”
Me: “Hell yes it’s all or nothing. You deserve all of him, not half of him or a quarter of him. If you don’t get all of him, are you sharing a part of him with a whore or something? Do you want to share him? So of course you should get all of him. His mind, body, and soul.”
Me: “So what’s stopping you two from making it official anyways?”
J: “I don’t know, it’s just so complicated.”
Me: “What’s so complicated about two people wanting to be together? Trust me nothing is complicated when a guy wants to be with you, because if he truly does want to be with you bad enough he’ll be with you and nothing will stop him from being with you. Him saying things are complicated is just an excuse for you guys to not be together.”
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A lot of my friends will agree that I’m great at manipulating, and getting people to do what I want. Whether it’s planning something and getting a group of friends to do it, or at work and talking to customers about opening a savings account, a certificate of deposit, or anything bank related, I’m just good at it. But what happens when you’re also good at manipulating yourself? I feel like in the past years or so I’ve been really good at manipulating my emotions. I can make myself stop feeling something, stop caring for someone, start caring for someone, or start feeling for someone. And that’s a scary power to have because how do I start deciphering genuine feelings for someone versus forcing myself to feel something for someone for a period of time?
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One of these days this week, I’m going to sit and really concentrate on my future and what I want out of it. I took a semester off from everything (school and work) for a reason, and the goal that I had set for myself has been unaccomplished. I mean I know what I want to major in, that’s set. But I need more detailed goals. Monthly goals and details of how I’m going to achieve those goals all written down in my handy dandy black notebook.
I remember having a conversation w/Thinh in the past about goals. He was skeptic of the way I did things. He hated that I had a set timeline for everything in my life. I remember telling him that if I didn’t have a goal and timeline for when I wanted to accomplish it that how would I know where to start and what to get done in my life? He sat quiet. But it’s quite ironic that ever since we broke up some will say that I kind of lost direction in my life. And in some sense that’s kind of true, I stopped caring and got off track of the things I had set for myself. After this week though, I’ll be back on the path I created for myself.
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One thing I’m going to really focus on is my indecisiveness.
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A certain personality trait of mine is so strong that a friend I used to spend a lot of time with that I recently hung out with for the first time in who knows how long tells me so. The person told me that I should do something (looking out for my best interest) and of course I said no and denied that I should and the person goes "You know Tammy, you've always been so stubborn, and I see that that part of you hasn't changed one bit."--Possibly another area I need to work on.
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A song I've been listening to a lot:
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The guys teased me by talking about plans for Wednesday. I'm going to be an angry girl if we do not put those plans into action.
I've been hanging out with a group of friends that I've known ever since I was in diapers and if I didn't know them since then I've known them for at least 6-7 years now. I find ourselves reminicising a lot about past memories that we created when we were kids and teenagers. I love the fact that we're now young adults and we continue to make more memories that I can only hope when we're all older with families of our own that we'll be asking each other "Hey do you remember when..." and we're talking about memories we're creating right now. <3
These people aren't just by my side for when the good times are rollin', but they're by my side or they pick up my calls when I need someone to listen to me. We've been through so much shit together that they've grown to become my family. I have probably talked about them more than I should in my recent posts but I can't get over the fact that we can get mad at each other, hurt each other, have great times with each other and no matter what we go through they're still there. That my readers is the definition of friendship.
So after having some great talks (quite hilarious and inspirational might I add) with a girl friend and my guy friends tonight, I've decided to cut a lot of things out of my life. People might not understand why, but as long as I know why I'm doing it that's all that matters.
I'll go in depth with what the conversations were about later. But right now I'm going to work out. (=
In case anyone is wondering, I deactivated my Facebook account again. This time for good. I'm sure I'll be back later on in the future, but not anytime soon. It was fun for the month I was back, but it was all too much. So don't think I blocked or deleted any of you. That's such a childish thing to do anyways.
