I like that a lot of my friends are "lich su" towards each other and other people. It really shows off how their parents have raised them. Which is a good thing. But then if I see how my brother acts towards others, he CAN be really well mannered, but most of the time he's selfish and inconsiderate. And my parents didn't raise any of their kids to be like that. So I guess it shows again that you really can't judge someone.

But I still love the fact that my friends are "lich su" and knows when to step up and help people or greet them and etc. I can't really explain it because it's a Vietnamese adjective, but those of you who are Vietnamese should know what I mean.
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Before showering

What a good night. Celebrated a friend's birthday, planned our camping trip, Vegas trip, tried to persuade more people to join us for Lollapalooza, cooked bo chien bo (beef and butter), drank, played cards, reminisced, had our party crashed by my friend's dad, my uncle and their friends, etc...but everything was fun. Always worth the 45min drive there and home by myself.

I want to thank some friends for helping me throw down for food, helping w/the prepping, and cleaning! (;

I'm very very excited for what May and the upcoming months has to offer, but when am I not?!
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Money ain't shit but paper to me. When I don't have it, I learn to live within my means. When I do have it, I love to share the wealth. As long as my family, friends, and people I surround myself with are happy, smiling, having fun then I am too. No biggie. Money can be remade. Memories can't.
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But to live doesn't mean you're alive

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because the world needs people who have come alive."--Howard Thurman
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Growing up

It was so much easier to express our love and adoration towards our parents when we were young kids. My siblings and I would kiss my mom and dad on their cheeks before heading off to dreamland every single night. I wonder if my parents noticed the first night the kisses stopped coming.

I also remember sleeping over at my ong noi and ba noi (grandparents on dad's side) house one night. An hour after my parents left to go home, the separation anxiety kicked in and I bawled my little eyes out until my parents drove 45min back to pick me up.

I got used to being away from them after awhile. I started sleeping over at my grandparents' more often, but I always had to have my two stuffed bunnies. One was given to me from my dad and I named her Robbie. The second was given to me from my mom and I named him Buffy. I played w/both all of the time, slept with them too. I don't remember what happened to Robbie but I still have Buffy boxed up somewhere in my room.

Those two bunnies gave me a lot of comfort as a child. Whenever my parents fought and argued w/each other I had a superstition that if I slept w/the both of them they would stop and make up. Even during the times when my dad left the house for a couple of days because the arguments were bad, I just slept with the two and I knew he'd come back, because he always did. I laugh now thinking how silly my superstition was, but I was a child I had to believe in something to make things right.

My sister had her own stuffed animals my parents gave to her. I can remember one, it was a monkey she named Baby Goo-Ga. I don't remember if my brother even had anything...maybe that's why he's the way he is?

Sometimes I blame him not having an older brother to look up to while growing up for him being the way he is. But then again, a lot of guys grow up w/o an older brother and they're fine. I miss how we all were when we were younger though. How happy my brother was, and now his happiness seems so fake and painted on. If only he understood how much we all have given up for him. My mom loves him a lot. She'd do anything for the kid. But he'll never understand it all. And in return we'll never understand him.
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Late night confessions #1

Instead of reading the many many books I have picked up and piled high at the foot of my bed, I've been reading the Bible lately at this time of night/morning.

Currently on the book of Genesis.
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The Golden Ticket

In front of me is my BlackBerry and behind it, sitting on my bed is literally my ticket to anywhere in the world. I can take this and go anywhere with it. I keep thinking about Australia, but I know I'm not going to be able to leave my family behind. I also gotta finish school too and make my parents proud.

I keep hinting it to my dad that once things get finalized with our house (whether he's going to keep it or sell it) to go to Australia w/me. Besides not having any friends there (which will be really easy for my dad to make since his personality is just like mine), but my mom has sisters that live there. And they would love it! Sounds silly since I've never been there myself, but I just know they will.

I am in a dilemma. Do I travel all summer before cracking down on school? Or do I work and rebuild my savings before cracking down on school and travel in between school breaks like I did before? HELP!
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Love Advice #'s 1 & 2

I find it ironic that a lot of my friends come to me for advice on their relationships w/their significant others, especially since I’m not in one myself. I tell them upfront before I give any opinions of my own that I don’t want to give out advice because if anything were to happen (good or bad) I am not the one living with the consequences, and if they’re still fine with that then I’ll proceed. But I'll just write about it on here anyways. Self reminders for if I am ever in another relationship. LOL

The one thing I stress for any and all relationships is happiness. You shouldn’t seek happiness in someone other than yourself. It’s a lot to expect from a person, and a lot of power to give them also. When you give someone the ability to make you happy, you also give them the ability to make you sad. I believe that if you’re not happy with just who you are and being alone, you’re not ready to be in a relationship because you truly won’t be happy with another person if you aren’t with yourself first. I also believe that your significant other and friends should make you happier. If you are just as happy without them in your life, then maybe you should stop wasting each other’s time. Being with someone should excite you, and if you’re just as excited being by yourself don’t bother.

Another thing I stress for is to never ever settle! If you’re settling for the person you’ve been with for 6 months, 2 years, or 10 years you’re missing out on being with someone that could make your life a lot happier. And the person you’re with could be missing out on the same opportunity for someone else. There are billions of people in this world, chances are if you feel like you’re settling you probably are because if you were with the person you were meant to be with you wouldn’t be questioning it in the first place.

I pity people who are in relationships because they’re afraid to be single. They’re too afraid to be by themselves, and not have that attention from a special someone. Man up and quit depending on someone else for your happiness. They have their own happiness to worry about. You can’t love someone else until you learn to love yourself.

I am currently single not because I don't love myself. I've been loving myself and I am happy (I believe I know myself well enough and am happy with everything in my life right now). I am currently single because I haven't met a guy who will make me happier than I already am in life. No spark, no butterflies, no excitement = No time, no effort, and no energy from me.

And I can tell just what you want
You don't want to be aloneee
You don't want to be aloneee
And I can't say it's what you know
But you've known it the whole time
Yeah, you've known it the whole time

Sad and Happy Endings

Dave: I like sad endings because they make me feel better about myself.
Me: haha wtf?
Dave: Sad endings makes me realize that what I have isn't as bad because their life is worst than mine.
Dave: I don't like happy endings because then I think about how I'll never have that happiness.
Me: ..... ): ): ): ): ):
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A Quote on Success

I found this somewhere on tumblr, tried googling it to see what the source is, but nothing came up. Maybe I should've dug deeper. But either way it goes hand in hand with my last post. ^_^

The tune. The lyrics. Him. Good song even for when it's not 4/20.

Confronting Past Dreams..& Making Room for New Ones

When you look back on where you thought you’d be today in high school, how many of you are actually where you declared yourself to be? I’ll be honest and say that I am nowhere near where I thought I’d be. In middle and throughout high school I was obsessed with the news. I wanted to be like Connie Chung, an Asian American news broadcaster for CNN. And although I dated someone throughout high school and into my college years, I didn’t know if he would be the one I’d marry and be the father of my kids. I just knew that I wanted to get married by the time I was twenty-five and have two kids (a boy and a girl) by the time I was twenty-nine. I didn’t want to be an old mother. I wanted to still be relatively young by the time both of my kids graduated high school, and I wanted to still be alive to see my grandkids grow up.

I’m known for never taking the safe, smooth, paved, path. Out of the different groups of friends I have I am always deemed the ‘crazy one’ or the one who’s always spontaneous and loves to take risks. If I wasn’t any of those I wouldn’t have switched majors a handful of times, I would have graduated within the expected four years it takes to get a bachelor’s degree, I would still be with the first, second, third, or fourth big company I have previously worked for, I would still be with my high school sweetheart, and I wouldn’t be a soul drifting around aimlessly right now.

When I first meet someone or see someone I haven’t seen in a while and they ask me the dreaded “What do you do?” or “What have you been up to?”—I know what they're all thinking when I give them my answer. There aren’t many people I know who all of a sudden drop everything in their life to try and figure things out. A lot of them try to figure things out along the way of finishing school or working their current job, but they would never ever leave everything behind all at once without knowing they had a backup plan. But like I said, I am the risk taker, the ‘crazy one’, and also the one who’s spontaneous so I went against the grain.

A lot of times I feel like I’m being too self-indulgent. My parents along with millions in the world didn’t get to choose what they wanted to be. Our parents’ generation sought safety and security. They chose their professions because they had to. It pays the mortgage every month, it puts food out on the table, clothes on their backs, and here I am taking my sweet ass time deciding on what it is I want to do with my life.

I have asked a lot of my peers about what they wanted to do with their degrees and they all gave me common answers: “work for a Fortune 500 company,” “go to med school,” “become a corporate lawyer,” and etc. Even though they’re all different occupations, I see them as all the same. They’re all typical answers you’d get from someone who didn’t follow their passion that wants prestige, control, money, and power that comes along with all of those careers. Who knows, maybe I’m seeing it all wrong, but I know a lot of my friends well enough to know that they aren’t following their natural enthusiasms. Either they do want all of those listed above (prestige, control, money, and power); they’re trying to live up to someone else’s yardstick, or both.

I have never felt the need to live up to someone else’s measure, but I did once want the power, control, and prestige. Never the money though, I knew money could never buy me happiness. And the more I experience in my life the more I realize that power, control, and prestige won’t give me the happiness I want. Things are simple for me now; all I want is to obtain a career that I love. Not because I don’t know what else to do or because it gives me status. I want to be able to go into work every day with a purpose; I want to never want to leave work. I know a lot of people want these things too, but why aren’t they pursuing it?

Money is the motivation for a lot of people. Money is the reason behind most of their actions. My view on that is, if you let money be the root of your happiness you’ll never obtain it. You can never excel yourself with money. There is only so much clothes, luxury cars, mansions, boats, jewelry, and vacations one can buy. When is enough enough? Let your career fulfill you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I guess money could be a plus if that’s what comes w/the career, but I don't think one should let it be the person's drive.

I remember when I was going through a year where I was majoring in political science. I confided in someone who back then was a friend, I told them about how I wanted to become a lawyer to help out the Vietnamese community because a lot of them aren’t well informed with their rights as a citizen and etc. The person turned down my ideas and told me I wouldn’t make enough money to be happy or to pay back school loans, and that I had to first become a big corporate lawyer before doing what I wanted to do. I will always remember that moment because 1) it showed me where and what that person’s values in life were (definitely not matched up with my own) and 2) it made me realize how much I want to give back to society. Whether it is just in my neighborhood community, my church community, or the Vietnamese community, I just want to give back in one way or another.

I have a lot of unquenched ambitions. I want to give back to society (as listed above), I want to inform people of the things happening all around the world (journalism), world traveler, international food blogger, and as much as I don’t like children right now I do have the desire to teach them (these are just to name a few). I remember reading a quote from E.B. White “I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world, and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” –and I thought holy crap that is me.

Just as I was writing “So that’s where I am right now, trying to figure out a plan to make it all fit into my life.” I got it; it all became clear to me on how I was going to do all of it in my lifetime. I used to have this fear of making the wrong choices and wasting more precious life, but that was exactly what was holding me back, fear. Now the only thing I fear in life is losing my family. Not even an ounce of fearing failure.

I don’t believe in failure, because if you believe in failure itself, that’s exactly the one thing that’ll keep you from making your next move. And without that next move how on Earth are you going to get to where you want to be? Besides, without all of those “failed” attempts, your success wouldn’t be as sweet.

I don’t want the money, I don’t care for the recognition, and I don’t want the status or power. I no longer wish to get married nor have children. Maybe if I meet a man who’ll keep me interested long enough I’ll reconsider. But until then, all I want is to make my parents proud which I have quickly learned that they will be proud of me no matter what, and to be happier with each passing moment. And I will be as long as I continue to pursue after what I am passionate about, even if that means taking an extra ten years to get my bachelor’s.

The point of this post is to try and get my friends to realize that they have to stop measuring themselves against their parents, their friends’, their peers’, and society’s expectations. I don’t want my friends to sleep on their potential and be unhappy because they’re trying to make someone else happy. We’re all given the privilege to be the author of our own life, use this chance to define who you are. Don’t let someone else do it for you.

Note: you'll probably see similar posts in the future. I want to say more, but it's getting late/early. Brain is fried... (; Need.Sleep.Pronto.

Give me the world, give me the world
Yeah I had a taste it was sweet
So I think I'm ready for more, ready for more

It all started w/one thought that led to many others

The beautiful thing about life is that we all have choices.

If you feel like the choice you made yesterday was the wrong one,

you have the ability to make another choice today to fix the mistake.

But because we all are given choices, we can't blame anyone but ourselves

for anything that doesn't go according to plan.

I guess I shouldn't say mistake though.

I don't like to believe in mistakes because they're really just life lessons.

Without that "mistake" you wouldn't have learned whatever it was from it.

But I guess some people don't see it that way.

I also don't believe in failure, but those are just a couple of things I don't believe in.

I wake up every morning and I try to remind myself that I am blessed to have opened my eyes.

I may not have a lot of things, but I do have things that makes my life a comfortable one.

Learning to live in the means I am given is one of the things I wish a lot of people would learn to do also.

So many people keep wanting, wanting, wanting. Why do you want the extra expensive jeans?

To show off to people that you have money? I was one of those people, but then I learned.

I learned that the people who love you don't give a shit about what kind of jeans you wear, the brand of your purse, or the kind of car you drive. You're not trying to impress the people you love, because they already love you. You're trying to impress people you don't like, and why? Why are you even giving people that don't like you or vice versa the time of day when you can't afford to. Life is short. Don't spend it trying to impress people that don't matter. They're still not going to like you even if you're spotted wearing a Rolex.

I like the finer things in life too, but I don't see a point in spending hard earned money on it.

I love that I have the ability to influence the people around me. Family, friends, and even strangers listen to a lot of things I have to say about a wide range of things. Not that I'm a credible source for any of it, but I guess they all think I am. A few friends have even crowned me with the title "Queen of Persuasion" which I laugh at, but it's true in a lot of ways. I don't know if it's because I'm good with my words, my actions, or I'm someone they see as of value to them. But whatever it is in a way I kind of have changed different lives. But I still want to change one life in a very significant way before I die.

One of the few things I miss about having a boyfriend is the pillow talk.

Sharing ideas, thoughts, visions, dreams, etc.

And finding common ground on them.

Supporting each other on our dreams.

Talking about how our past has shaped us, and what we hope for the future.

Sometimes I miss doing that so much that I want to text Thinh and dial his number and tell him yes I will get back with you. But then I remember that there are no real feelings behind the actions. It's just the idea that I am in love with. The idea that you and I have been together for so long, we could be together, get married, and be each other's high school sweetheart's.

The idea sounds nice until I remember we'll always go back and forth on our feelings for each other because they're not real.

It's been a year, and our friends are still rooting for us. Funny how that is.

It's two of my closest friends' 7 year anniversary. Besides my parents' marriage, the two of them are reminders to not give up on relationships and love. I have been there when the guy was dating random girls only to have them not work out. I was there when the two of them met. I was there when the two of them started dating. I was there when she got her heart broken from him. I was there when they were trying to mend and work things out. I basically have been there and have seen them go through it all and here they are still together and stronger than they were before. Seeing them happy together reaffirms my belief that true love can overcome anything and everything that is thrown at them. I cannot wait til their wedding day, and he better have proposed to her while celebrating their 7th anni!

This past weekend I got more "Is that Tammy?! omg I haven't seen you in so long!!" and again I am secretly (although not so much anymore) satisfied.

When I want to do anything these days the first people that come to mind to ask is my sister, brother, Paul, or my parents.

Easter is this Sunday, and I only broke my lent once last weekend for MAASU. Quite proud of myself because a lot of people including myself didn't think I could handle not going out. But I did it. Along w/this weekend a friend will be in town Sunday-Tuesday! It's been almost a year since we've seen each other. The last time was for 6 hours in the Windy City for my birthday.

I have a problem w/indecision. I'm indecisive about everything in life, and I remember when the New Year hit I told myself that I'd work on it but it hasn't improved at all.

Props to everyone who have ever taken time out to get to know someone or experience something for themselves rather than listening to a bunch of word of mouth crap. I will try to update more on this later. Something I say a lot about a lot of topics and never get around to it. My bad.

My mind is running again, like it always does at this time of the day.

I think my mind wouldn't wander so much if I had someone who had a crazy sleep schedule

or if I knew someone who doesn't depend on sleep so much like I do.

Birthday Plans

For the past four years I have celebrated my birthday outside of Minnesota. I'm really hoping to continue on with the tradition for the fifth year, but I'm having trouble deciding on what to do and where to go. I've gone back and forth on different beach destinations, camping/fishing/kayaking (Boundary Waters), the cities (NYC, Chicago, Philly, and D.C.), or just go on a road trip (Wisc. Dells, Chicago, Black Hills, St. Louis, etc). I haven't been working for the past 8-9 months so I'm trying to get the most bang for the buck, but honestly money isn't an issue. The issue is the people I want to spend it with.

Ideally, I'd just have a nice small dinner w/close friends before or after the trip and during the trip I'd loooove it if I could spend it with however many close friends could leave and afford the trip (which isn't many on such a short notice) or go on a trip w/my family. But my parents have been taking off a lot of work in the past months for their own trips so I'm not sure if they'd get it off for my birthday week. But I would love to take my parents + siblings (and Paul) to a place they have never been to before, which is a lot of places.

I'm going to bring up the idea to my parents this weekend during our scheduled family dinner. I hope they agree to it. I mean if they agree but can't take off work in time for next month, I'm okay with a fishing/camping/kayaking trip w/my siblings and a few friends and save the actual trip for when they can go. I wanna show them the world.

Opportunities

There are snakes that go months without eating, and when they finally catch something they suffocate while eating.
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Repeat please (Part Deux)!

Music is more than just a bunch of beats w/words in them. To me if feelings had a sound and were able to be put into words it'd be called music. I listen to every genre (yes even country) because they all fit into different moods I have. The only playlist I have created is one for when I'm running, besides that one I would never listen to a playlist twice because the songs I listen to depend on how I'm feeling. I usually open up my music folder and hit enqueue with whatever song appeals to me at the moment and I just let it play.

I've always had a passion for music, but besides having really great taste in it I'm not musically talented in any other way. So I take pride in having people tell me I have great taste in music. Probably the only compliment I'll ever accept from anyone.

Anyways, here are a few songs I've been listening to on repeat (click here: http://bit.ly/ieRZi8 if you wanna listen to Part Une of my list).

I wish I could upload his Freaks and Geeks EP and his I Do Not Talk Mixtape but I can't. Both are good if you're one of those people who listen to lyrics when listening to music. He'll be at the Varsity Theater in May so I'm hoping to get out there and support him! He's very underrated.

Friend or Foe?

I'm having a hard time deciphering if you're actually a good friend or someone that's trying to pose as one. Because good friends aren't selfish, and a lot of the things you do are.

I am selfish, but in the way where if the people I'm surrounded with are happy, I am too. You on the other hand, will talk and use people for your own happiness. Not anyone else's.

I've always had a problem with this though. Thinking too many people are my "best friends" or "good friends" just because I spend more time w/them than other people.

You might be a friend, but right now you're definitely not a good one. And for that I'm going to withdraw myself slowly from your life.
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The Blessed Life

No one will ever fully know the many different ways I am and have been blessed as a person. I don't know what I have done to deserve all of this and I may never know why, but if the man above feels I deserve all of this I must not go against his will.

I am very grateful for everything though. It's always like this. When I think things are going to turn bad, somehow something always happens to make things right again. Always.

I'll try to make time later on to continue on with this post because I have so much I want to say, but if I don't God, my guardian angels, and my closest family and friends all know how I feel already.

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Word?

"If you did not see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it in your small mind and share it with your big mouth."--Unknown

More stuff on friends

There's a saying I've heard that goes something like this:

"People don't remember when you help them, but they never forget when you hurt them."

I don't remember exactly how it goes (and I'm too lazy to Google), but it's true with most people I know.

It's silly how you could help someone over and over again, but the one time you mess up they act like it's the end of the world. Not that I try to keep count, I just never forget.

I tried writing this post over and over again. And no matter how I write it, it never comes out right.

Anyways, along w/me never forgetting when I have helped someone I also never forget when someone has helped me or when I have hurt them either.

-The time when we had a scheduled breakfast date and I never showed up. I've never stood anyone up before and the one time I do it, it was you.

-The time when we text each other once every 6 months a quick "Hello" but you still drove to the Windy City for a night to see me for my birthday.

-The time when you drove 25min to come pick me up and when you g0t there, called me a billion times, but I had already fallen asleep.

-The time when you planned a really really amazing birthday weekend for me.

-The time when we went to sushi tango, and I didn't have any money on me and you paid for my dinner.

-The time when I got sooo drunk I was passed the eff out in the middle of an unknown place and while the both of you could be out talking to girls and going back to their place, you chose to stay with me and made sure I was okay.

-The time when you drove me to all of my AA classes and waited for me to be done (you've actually done A LOT more than just that).

-When your ex-girlfriend and her friends came to visit for the weekend and you took care of everything.

-The time when I called you to book me a flight out and you did no questions asked on why I was there in the first place.

-The time when I never carried cash and the club didn't have an ATM machine so you spotted me $20.

-The time when I was trying to help you get into the restrooms at 508, and we almost got into a fight w/two big mi deng girls. You started to throw up in the corner and I left you w/your man.

-The time when I never ever reply to your text messages or your phone calls, but you still text and call to see how I'm doing knowing there's a good chance I still won't reply.

Those are just naming a few. It might seem like I have forgotten, but I never do.

One reason I don't like asking others for help is I hate knowing that I owe them something in return. I know most of my friends will say "that's what friends are for, you shouldn't feel like owing them anything" but I feel like nothing you do will be able to repay them. I don't ask for anything in return when I help someone because I'll only help them if I really want to, but I can't help but feel bad when I ask others for help.

I've been doing something wrong for the past 23 years. I've been giving too many people that don't deserve my time and effort just that and people who deserve it most too little of both. Getting off Facebook kind of helped me see who these people are too. Because I've had the same number since freshman year in high school, that's a hell of a long time. The friends who texts and calls me to see how I'm doing are the ones I cherish and most of them are out of state friends. I didn't want to get off Facebook in the first place because I thought I'd lose touch with friends who didn't live in MN, but it has been the complete opposite.

It's funny cause I was talking to a friend who was visiting this weekend and he told me that everyone refers me as the Tammy that disappeared. If it seems like I have disappeared to you, that just means I have learned to not give you any of my time because I can name a handful of people who live in the same state and still see me weekly. <3

11 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Like Me

1. I'm selfish.

2. I don't know how to ask for help.

3. I have a disclosing problem.

4. I don't like investing time and effort in new relationships. I prefer to work at the ones I already have established.

5. Besides my immediate family, there are only a handful of people's opinions I let get to me.

6. I have a lot of pride.

7. The only thing I fear in life is losing my family.

8. I believe in a lot of things that are unrealistic to many (God, guardian angels, blessings, things happening for a reason, horoscopes, etc.).

9. I forgive too easily.

10. Self-destructive habits: I text/tweet/surf the web while I'm driving, I consume lots and lots of alcohol, I don't sleep, I over analyze, I don't pay attention to my surroundings, I overeat, etc.

11. I have nothing to offer you.

Last Night

I was in the car w/Max, Ken, Clark, and Viet. All of us never go out to the clubs much so it was pretty crazy all of us in the same car were going to a club for the first time in who knows how long. Thanks to Saki we got to skip the 10,000 block line and cover.

I got pretty drunk last night and from what I remember it was fun. Somehow whenever I'm light weight the same two people are always there to help me. I'm so lucky that they're nice guys and are my friends. I don't even talk to Ricky unless I see him out, but somehow he's always the one taking care of me when I get too drunk.

What would I do without people who didn't love me though?

You know you're a blessed person when you wake up the next day and none of your friends give you shit for being too stupid drunk the night before. But all they ask is "Are you okay?"

I even got emotional drunk last night (first time for everything right?).

I think the last post got to me.

Cause I was calling Jane, Chris, Clark, Max, my sister, and her boyfriend at the hotel crying about how it was my Dad's birthday the next day and I needed to be home.

What a weird, but good night.

I want to thank Jeano for having me tweet for MAASU for the weekend.

And I want to thank everyone listed above for taking care of me when I'm drunk.

I can't forget about Ken, Viet, Peter, Khai, and Huy either.

What a good and memorable night.

What did I do to deserve my good life? I keep asking myself this question and I can never come up with an answer.

With all of my heart

Both of my siblings don’t realize this and I don’t know if they’re ever going to realize this, but everything that my parents have done in the past up to now and even in the future are all for the three of us. Everything they have ever asked of us. Every cent they have made working seven days a week. Every move they have ever made and will make will be to our benefit. Every. Single. Thing.

I remember when I was in my teenage years, my dad threatened to put me into boot camp after watching a few too many “my child is out of control” Maury episodes. I also remember telling him “I’m not a bad daughter! I’m not as bad as half of those kids in school.” How selfish of me to even let those words come out to the man who has done nothing but love me. Many years later and I now know that it wasn’t the point. The point is that he raised me to be better than that.

I’m not one to regret anything I have done in life because I know they all happened for a reason. Maybe I wouldn’t appreciate my parents as much as I do now if I hadn’t been such a horrible daughter, but I can’t help but feel awful for the things I have put the both of them through. I know I’ve said this many times before but I honestly don’t know how my parents still find it in their hearts to still love me. Haven’t I weakened their hearts from the bruises I’ve made? Haven’t my sister weakened their hearts from the scratches she’s made? Haven’t my brother weakened their hearts from the dents he’s made? Even though we have made their hearts weak, they still continue to love us with all they’ve got. If anyone knows of any of the things all three of us have put my mom and dad through, I think they’ll find it surprising that they even still look at us like we’re their children (I don’t mean to make it sound like we’re horrible kids. It’s just like I have said, they both raised us to be better than people who disobeys them left and right).

I can only name one friend who has seen this transition of me thinking my parents were the most horrible people in the world to me giving my parents unconditional love back in the past 10 years. He’s even mentioned it one time when we were studying together. I got off the phone with my dad telling him I wasn’t going to be home that night and my friend goes “Wow Tammy, I remember when you hated your parents. I’m glad you came around.” –I’m glad I did too.

See these are the things I’ve finally figured out with my parents:

-They don’t call me late at night or text me late at night to be annoying to tell me to come home. They’re just trying to know that I’m alive and safe.
-My dad doesn’t stay up late at night because he can’t sleep. He stays up to make sure I come home safe and sound.
-My parents didn’t ask us to get a part time job when we were 16 because they didn’t want to pay for our things anymore. They wanted to teach us the value of money. How it’s hard to make, but easy to spend.
-My parents doesn’t make us pay our phone bills, car payments, car insurance, or ask us to give them however much a month because they don’t have money to pay for it themselves. They’re putting the money we give them away for us because they know we like to spend everything we have.
-Friends come and go. Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go. But my parents will never leave our side. No matter how big of a mistake we make (I know because no father should ever have to come to jail and try to bail his daughter out).

I knew my parents weren’t like other parents when I was a senior in high school. Most parents would make their kids go to college to become a doctor, a lawyer, or something that would them prestige, money, and power. But my parents didn’t. They gave me suggestions based off of what they knew I liked and what they knew I was good at. My mom was actually the first person to suggest me to go into journalism. Even with this long hiatus I have been taking from work, school, and life, they both have been nothing but so supportive of me. They’ve always been supportive of us though. Anything that makes their kids smile will make them smile. I could seriously date Hitler and my parents would love him as long as he made me happy.

A couple posts back I said I had a few things I have been wanting to blog about, well this wasn’t one of them. But I had a conversation with my dad this morning that made me want to blog about this (again). The conversation wasn’t any more than five minutes, but it was enough to get me to cry for an hour.

I have everything I need to move to anywhere I please and to do anything I please. Australia? New York? France? Vietnam? Literally anywhere. But I keep telling myself I need to finish school before I do so. Well school isn’t the real reason why I wouldn’t want to move just quite yet. It’s just a reason to buy me time. Time for when my parents are ready to leave Minnesota behind and start somewhere new. Preferably with me. I have given two other states a try already and yet I still come back, the reason I keep coming back is because my heart is with my parents and my siblings. I don’t want to travel anywhere or move anywhere unless I’m with my parents and siblings.

When I think about the places I have traveled to without them, I feel so selfish. I was out enjoying myself while they were back home working hard. When I lived outside of Minnesota and experiencing a new place, they were at home worrying about me. I don’t want to be selfish anymore, at least not like that. I want to be selfish where seeing them happy will make me happy. Even as much as I am itching to move somewhere to see the world, I refuse to do so unless I have my family by my side.

We grew up as a family that always ate dinner together, but as we all got older our schedules got crazier and not just that but us kids grew unappreciative of each other so the only times we ate as a family were on special occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc.). For the past five months I’ve been scheduling more family dinners as way to try and get everyone together again. Also as my way of showing that I love all of them. Nothing I do and give my parents will ever repay them back for the things they have taught me and given me, but I can at least try to make their lives a little easier. They’re getting older as each day passes, and that only means I am limited with the days I have left to show them that I love them.

It seems like lately I have been writing a lot of repeat posts only in different words, but I guess that only shows you what I’m truly passionate about. And what I truly value in life.

For the past 2 days no matter how early I go to bed my internal clock has woken me up around 3-4AM...like it misses being awake around this time.

Good. Cause I sure do. While the entire house + most of the Midwest and west coast is asleep, I'm awake. #comfort

Thank you to the man above for all of the blessings.
Big thank you to my guardian angel for always keeping me on my toes but making things turn out okay in the end.

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Lost.

Being born w/my dad's bloodline, it's natural for me to hold a lot of pride. It's hard for us Le-Trinh's to admit our faults, when we are embarrassed, when we are lost, etc.

But I will admit to them when I am either. I'm an honest person and I am human. We all make mistakes, get embarrassed, and get lost right? If you're reading this and you haven't felt all three then state your name, leave me your number, and I would love to talk to you.

I'm lost. Last year, I was on a path that I created for myself. A comfortable, smooth, straight path that guaranteed me success, marriage, kids, making my parents proud, etc. But I chose to get off that path to walk an unknown one. One that is the complete opposite, and you know what? I don't regret it at all, and I could get off this scary, dark, bumpy path that offers me nothing more than a bleak future right now if I wanted to. But I'd be like everyone else taking the easy way out of things.

It's been so hard for me to admit this. Family and friends could see it, but I denied it. Covering it up with "Oh no I know exactly what I want and what I wanna do, I'm just taking my time." Or the "I don't see the rush into things"..it's true I don't see the rush in speeding through life anymore, but I am lost.

Although for the past year I've been a person walking aimlessly in this big world, I have better myself. I'm not taking those who've been by my side since day one for granted anymore, I've calmed down a lot, I've started to slow my roll, and soak in what the world has to offer. But this past year was just the beginning. It's going to get tougher as I walk down this path, but I have hope and faith that there'll be light at the end of it.

Things I want [at the moment]

• to be able to sleep without laying in bed thinking about everything
• good food
  -jalepano slidders from White Castle
  -breakfast biscuit sandwich from Hardee's (they seriously have the best fast food breakfast sandwiches, all because they of their buttermilk biscuits)
  -Jensen's cheesy hashbrowns
  -anything from Tofu House
  -bibimbap
  -tre ba mau
  -jucy lucy from Matt's Bar
  -lau/hotpot/shabu shabu
  -Church's fried chicken (better than Popeye's, KFC, and Pagoda's wings!)
  -Prime rib rare w/extra au jus sauce from Machine Shed
  -Raising Cane's chicken strips and fries w/their special Cane's sauce
  -a grilled cheese sandwich w/tomato soup
  -royal tea latte w/extra extra coffee jellies
• laying next to a fireplace, underneath a blanket, w/a cup of hot tea or coffee and reading
• Nike+ shoes; only because I think it'll motivate me to run longer distances (currently doing short distances in intervals)
  
• Summer! Summer! Summer! this warm weather is such a tease
  
• a picnic
• a good heart felt conversation w/anyone preferably a stranger because they're easier to talk to but really anyone. (this will forever be on all of my things i want)
  
• a real vacation w/everyone in my family; currently trying to talk my parents into going to NYC w/me in the summer. They would love the city.
  
• camping; just like old times
• fishing; I remember when we were younger my dad would take the three of us to different lakes one summer. He had a real fishing rod, us kids didn't. But he promised us the next summer we'd all get one and our fishing license but that never happened cause he got too busy working )=
• for my brother to not be so medicated
• to go on an adventure; bike around a trail in MN, take the light rail downtown and just wonder aimlessly, drive to Duluth, drive to the Black Hills, star watch, etc
• see a play
• church sundays; back then after my sister and I got out of mass and sunday school we'd pick a restaurant and go eat there with my mom.
• a bike; so on days I'm tired of running I can just bike
• my memory back; all of the alcohol is making my recovering details skills dunzo
• a friend who has a sleeping problem like i do maybe these nights won't get so bad
• to know which restaurant to take my dad and our family for dinner on his 51st Birthday
• a game of monopoly
• sleep sleep sleep sleeeeeeep

Time Part II

Anonymous: How could it be so easy for you to stop talking to me?
Me: Because I don't believe in wasting time. If we continued to talk as more than friends, nothing would change, and we'd be wasting each other's time.
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Time

It's silly when people say "I gotta find time..." for this and that. Because you can't really find time right?

If you truly wanted to do something, you'd MAKE time for it. Sure there's only 24 hours in a day, and you could be bombarded with things to do all hours of the day. But if you really wanted to you'd make time to spend some time w/your family. Or shoot a quick text to your bf/gf. Or go eat lunch w/a friend you haven't seen in awhile. Or anything for that matter. You could work or study a little earlier to make time. You could sleep less to make time. Or sacrifice something out of the day to make time. But you don't because you didn't wanna do it to begin with.

The point is no one is ever too busy not to do anything. It's a dumb excuse I use all the time, and I get away with it. But when someone uses the "I'm too busy" line on me, I reject it cause it's an excuse not the truth.
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Good taste

Tiff: I wanna try that sometime, but I don't know if it'll be good.
Me: Ooh I had it before! And I liked it, so you might.
Tiff: I wanna hear that from someone with normal taste buds, your's is weird.
Me: How?
Tiff: You like black coffee and bitter things.
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