Sure you look good, but it's only a matter of time before your personality spoils that.
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Since I can't seem to make up my mind on whether or not to go to Madison for Halloween or to stay in town, I'll do it Ross from Friend's way of deciding things: pros and cons.

Pros of going to Madison:

• spending it w/my wifey's + Max and An
• seeing friends I normally don't get to see b/c they don't live in MN
• it's not Minnesota
• new food adventures
• bonding time w/my wifeys + Max and An
• people watching/watching people die (via alcohol that is)
• dancinggggg and lots of it w/wifeys

Cons of going to Madison:

• lots and lots of socializing
• running around outside bar hopping on State street = cold as hell
• spending $$$$ that I don't have on liquor and food
• sharing an apartment with 20+ people (although that can be fun, slumber party anyone?)
• missing out on five different parties
• missing out on spending the third year in a row w/Emmy, Oanh, Fanyan, Felix, and the guys
• uncomfortable long ass car ride
• lots of racist mi trangs everywhere
• my chances of going to jail +1 versus staying back home

Normally I'd be up for anything that'll get me out of Minnesota, but even though the scene will change, nothing else will.

Pros of staying in town:

• BEING WARM

Finally.

Okay this whole myself being ‘weird’ and ‘different’ thing is getting out of hand. I don’t get why when someone has a question that pertains to me that they won’t come to me to ask, but instead they’ll go ask someone who they think has the answers. My close friends should know how I am already, I don’t like telling people just anyone my private life so with that out in the air, what makes you think someone other than myself would know how I am feeling or why I am acting the way that I have been? You all know where I live, you all have my phone number, you all have my skype, and twitter, why not just shoot me a quick text, message me on skype or twitter, or hey give me a ring? I’m an honest person, I will tell you what’s up if there is anything. I just don’t get people sometimes.

Lately I’ve had so much time on my hands that I’ve been thinking a little more than usual. I’ve always been bombarded with a tight schedule fitting fulltime school, fulltime work, going to the gym, spending time with family, and hanging out with friends that I never had much time alone to just think like this. This is mostly going to be repeat, but with all of the thinking that I’ve been doing, I’ve just realized that I’m not getting any younger. Sure a lot of you might feel that your early twenties is still a very young age, but age is just a number. Even though I’m in my early twenties I feel like I’m in my forties. And when you’re feeling like you’re in your forties you feel like you should have this and that accomplished already. I know what I have to do to get there and it includes cutting out a lot of my old habits down and cutting some people out.

I’ve noticed that a few of my friends aren’t very accepting of people when a person changes. I want to keep friends in my life that are there for me no matter what. The ones I know I can rely on to bail me out of jail at three in the morning when I use my one phone call on them. There are a lot of people out there calling themselves my friend, but honestly they’re just there for when the bottles are poppin’ and when the good times are rollin’. But the second I’m in need for help (which I rarely ask for anyways) they turn their backs on me and act like they don’t know me. I expect certain things out of people because I would be willing to go the extra distance for them myself.

I want to keep the people in who are bold and honest enough to tell me that I have a piece of lettuce stuck in my teeth, not the ones who’ll sit there and stare. I’ve fought way too many battles in the past that weren’t mine simply because I was trying to be a good friend, and I know this might sound selfish but they haven’t done anything for me but partied with me. I know better than to expect anything in return, but you can only

put so much of yourself out for another person until you gotta draw back.

So please just trust me when I tell you that I’m not being emo, or that I’m not sad. Because I’m not, you all should know me to know that I could never let anything phase me. I’m just growing up and I wish you’d all support me instead of question my actions and ask why I’m not Tamzilla anymore.

Clouded Mind

I can't sleep when there's a bajillion different things running through my mind. That's probably why I tend to blog/write before I head to bed (if you haven't noticed the weird timestamps on each post). But I wish I didn't link this blog to my twitter and tumblr because it's holding me back from saying how I truly feel.

Halloween 2k10
It's my favorite holiday because it's not everyday where you get to be someone/something other than yourself. Halloween is the one day where you get to get out of your eggshell. A month or two ago I was so excited for it, but now that the day is approaching, I'm not really feeling it. I don't know exactly why I don't feel like celebrating my favorite holiday, but all I know is I'm not going to have as much fun as I think I will. And the worst part about it is my close friends are all making me come with them to celebrate in another state. I've told them how I've felt, but it's not flying with 'em, and I don't want to disappoint them by flaking out either. and we're leaving this Friday..Some dilemma eh? People out there are worried about when their next meal is, and I'm sitting here worrying about how to tell my friends I truly don't want to make it out to Madison for Halloween. o_O

R.I.P to the girl I used to be?
I've gotten so much criticism lately from my close friends on how I've been weird (not that I'm normally not, but just not acting like myself), not Tamzilla anymore, or even *shock face* emo (I have never ever been called that til recently). I'll admit, I haven't been as crazy, spontaneous, impulsive, alcoholic, social, careless, or spirit-free lately, but I think it's because I'm growing up. Keyword: think. I'm not sure why I've been acting different because there hasn't been any major changes in my life for me to act this way. I think I'm just realizing a lot of things and finally putting things that I know I should've done a long time ago into action. I mean I can't be the crazy Tamzilla that everyone knows forever right? Things just happen, you think about life, and sometimes you just wanna change the way you've been doing everything. That's kinda how I feel.

The Thinh Thing
If you read my past post Love Letter to the Past, then you'd know that I have no interest in getting back with him to finish where we left off, even though mutual friends are still pushing for it. But there's one thing I can't help but still grieve over, and that's what we could've been. Say he didn't want to throw away our five and a half years to be single, or say that when he came to me and wanted me back that I told him yes, we'd probably get married and have this whole high school sweetheart fairy tale like story to tell our kids. But I didn't want to give him, us, or our future another chance. Whether it was my pride that got in the way of saying yes in the car to him that day or simply just because I was sick of going in circles, it all doesn't matter anymore because I walked away from familiarity for mystery seven months ago. If my feelings for him were still here today, I'd give it all another try but it's not. We both deserve so much better than forced feelings.

Something unusual
Up until this past summer, I was a planner and over analyzer. I over analyzed everything, coming up with the worse for every situation. I planned everything; I loved knowing what next month had in store for me. I hated living each day as it came; I had to know because it gave me power and control and everyone knows I’m a demanding, controlling bitch most days. Although I can still be demanding at times, I’ve definitely gone from knowing what my future held in store for me a month or two out to not knowing what tomorrow held. It’s something new, refreshing, and definitely scary for me. Instead of being in my comfortable bubble, I’m giving a completely different lifestyle a try. Most days I enjoy it because it’s exciting, but sometimes it’s frustrating. Okay I lied, most days it’s frustrating, but it’s something that I cannot change at the moment, so until I can I’m just going to go w/it and hope it makes me.



Right now, I am hoping, wishing there was a miracle that I haven't broken my P (close friends will know what I mean) yet. If there was one thing that I could just have and never get anything I want ever again this would be it. I only have four months of it left, it'd be pretty bullshit and stupid if I broke it and would have to start all over and then some. But if I did break it, I'd have no one to blame but myself.

Ok?

#puke

Five things I currently miss:
1) Definitely shared happiness
2) doing homework and studying; pulling all nighters for school
3) dressing up for work. so i'll just dress up everytime I leave the house (I've gotten asked why a lot lately)
4) my customers from work. their stories and working with them always made my days brighter
5) Sundays when my sister and I still went to Sunday school and mass. Afterwards, my mom would let us choose any restaurant and the three of us would just go eat and have mother-daughter time.

Four song lyrics I'm currently feelin':
1) "Down the road later on/You will hate that I never gave more to you/Than half of my heart" John Mayer - Half of my Heart

2) "I never ask for help/I take care of myself/I don't know why you think you got a hold on me" PCD - Hush Hush

3) "Silly games you were playing/empty words we both were saying" Spice Girls - 2 Become 1

4) "It's so incredible the way things work themselves out" Brian McKnight - Back at One

Three things I've realized in the past couple of days:

1) I owe nothing to anyone, but my parents and siblings. Not even an explanation

2) Some people may never come to see the big picture. Always taking things for granted. So I quit, not because I'm weak, but because it's a waste of my time.

3) I've already changed your life, you don't know it yet, but it'll hit you soon.

Two songs I've been currently listening to nonstop:
1) John Mayer - Heartbreak Warfare
2) John Mayer ft. Taylor Swift - Half of My Heart

One thing I want right now:
1) Stability (ok ok two things, also a panini maker)

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This is how I feel

She said, 'I'm so afraid.' And I said, 'Why?', and she said, 'because I'm so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening. They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you.'"

—The Kite Runner
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Who would've thought that on a Friday night instead of accepting invites to downtown, uptown, and other social events that sitting at my secret spot w/my favorites Linh and Max drinking beers, eating McDonald's vanilla cones, feeding and naming ducks, and talking about life would make me the happiest girl alive.

I just had to document this so it goes in the books. Definitely would use a "pause" for this moment in time. I hope all of you are having a great Friday night as I am.

Memorable quotes:
"That duck is MF Max Powers"-Max

"Max stop following me" -Linh (about the ducks, yes we named the ducks after ourselves)
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Friday Frenzy

Mistakes

They say life's too short to make every mistake yourself so learn from other people's. But how many times do you have to make the same mistake over and over until you finally learn?

I'm guilty, I've been making the same mistake over and over for the past few months. In the back of my mind I know better than to, but yet I still go ahead and dive for it. Silly me, I know tricks are for kids, but I still fall for it. Everytime.

So today, I'm telling myself and all of you that I refuse to make this same mistake one more time. It's about time I learned.

Appreciation
It's funny the different things you learn to appreciate as you get older.

-time spent with my family; when I was a teenager I definitely hated this

-time spent w/my siblings without any disputes; it's rare, but we're getting better at spending time together and not arguing over stupid things, but I think it has a lot to with the fact that I've learned to bite my tongue as the big sister and just let them say and do whatever they please

-mom's home cooked meals; it wasn't until I moved out to another state and ate meals at restaurants that didn't even come close to tasting like mom's

-having a close knit of friends; I'm a social butterfly and I know lots of people, but it wasn't until recently where I've realized having close friends that you can count on one hand is 1000x better than being affiliated with a bajillion people. and you'd think most people would realize this sooner?

-Minnesota; again, I didn't grow an appreciation for my home until I moved to another state, another crappy boring state.

-lists; how easy it is to write and how easy it is to read for you lazy readers.

-time spent at home; i used to be this person who hated staying at home, I'd keep myself as busy as possible so I wouldn't have to be caught here unless I was sleeping or showering. But now the time spent here is nice, just lonely at times cause everyone in my family are workaholics.

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Theory #4

Too many people are using problems in their relationships as an excuse to give up. Since when was it ever okay to get a divorce because the two of you couldn’t work out a financial problem, sexual frustrations, or time spent together? If there’s anything that I don’t believe in this world it would be divorce. Maybe that’s why I’m so hesitant to settle down and get married; not because I’m young, but because there are so many people out there who aren’t willing to forgive, compromise, and stick it out, but they’d rather take the easy way out and just break up, or file for a divorce.

The way I see it, whenever you’re involved with anyone there will always be someone else who is smarter, hotter, more beautiful, or have more in common with you than the person you are currently with, but does that mean you should give up what you’ve dedicated your time and energy to risk it all with Mr./Ms. Potential? This new intriguing person shouldn’t be who you’re thinking ‘what if’s’ with, the person you’re with should be the person you should be seeing as Mr. /Ms Potential.

This is from the movie ‘Why Did I Get Married’ from Tyler Perry. He has made some ridiculous movies but I suggest most if not all of you to watch this movie. But in the movie there’s a rule called the 80/20 rule which is in every relationship you will only get 80% of what you need and want from the person you are with, and there will always be someone else out there who is willing to give you the other 20%. Since you’ve been missing the 20% for so long, you are excited and risk the 80% for the 20%. Only to find out that the 20% isn’t as fulfilling as the 80%, but by the time you’ve realized that the 80% is long gone (hence me bringing up the one that got away in past posts).

Look, every relationship there will be stages. The puppy love, new excitement, butterflies in your stomach won’t last the whole time two people are together. And it seems like a lot of people out there take it as once that stage is gone, that the love is gone also and call it quits. To me a relationship will always start off in heaven, and then lead down to hell with all of the trust, loyalty, commitment problems but once two people work through all of those, you’ll be back in heaven. If two people can’t compromise and work through their problems when they’re in the hell stage, then maybe they should part ways, but I believe that there isn’t anything that two people can’t work though as long as both people are committed and dedicated enough to work though the problems. Keyword: both people.

And that's why I refuse to believe in divorce or breaking up (I tend to stay in a relationship for as long as I can to stick it out, but there's only so much I can do when I'm the only one putting effort into it). Just pick someone to marry who is as willing as you are to make things work and the word should never cross your mind.

#imsinglebecause men are dogs.
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Out of character

Even though I may come off as a huge bitch to a lot of people, one of my major weaknesses is that I care too much. As a friend will be there for you if you need me to bail you out at three in the morning, of course that’s only if I’m not sitting in jail next to you. I would be there for all of my friends, but I can’t say that all of my friends would do the same for me.

I took care of a sick friend last night, and it made me realize how I put too much effort into a friendship. A friendship that has no guarantees of giving me anything in return, but that’s okay with me, knowing that I helped someone when they needed it most makes me feel good that I’m doing something w/all of the time I have. Besides, isn't that what life is supposed to be? To give and not expect anything in return.

It’s funny how life works though, it seems like you can do good for a person the entire time of knowing their existence, but when you screw up one time, they forget about all of the good deeds you’ve done for them in the past and that one screw up is what breaks the friendship. Look at the big picture people.

now as s a caring friend, I gotta go make some chao (porridge/congee) and deliver it.

Playing catch up

Sleepy Sunday:

Sunday's are football days, and I watched the Vikes improve their record to 2-3 by beating the Cowgirls at home. And had a nice family dinner + Paul (Tiff's boyfriend whom we all love to death) at our usual spot for any family dinners Shuang Cheng in Dinkytown. It's my brother's and parents' favorite place to get Chinese food. You can catch us there for every important family event (birthdays, anniversaries, random outings) + Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother's day, Father's day, etc...and it's always the same thing that we order.

Ong choy (chinese)/Rau Muong (Viet) stir fried in garlic; This is one of my favorites and I'm so happy I don't have my braces anymore. These things are hard to get out when their wrapped around the metal.

Sizzling sweet and sour beef w/vegetable preserves; I used to hate this especially because of the vegetable preserves, but I've grown to love veggie preserves and this dish. So delish!

First order of lobster

Second order of lobster; I'm not a fan but everyone else in my fam is

salty fish and chicken fried rice; this is my all time favorite fried rice, but we've never gotten it from here before (surprising since we've been going here since I was like 5), but it's not that great. We substituted our usual beef chow fun for this, and honestly never again from here. HKN's salty fried rice is 10x better.

deep fried walleye in black bean sauce; my ultimate favorite (along w/many others who have been here) and no one, i repeat no one makes this dish better than Shuang Cheng.

my fortune. true?--you be the judge.

Monday:
I was planning on going to Caribou Coffee to get some work done in the morning, but Tiff pleasantly surprised me by staying home from work, so I ended up running errands with her around Apple Valley/Burnsville. and I finally got my fixing of lox. It's pretty much just smoked salmon, but it's so delicious. I didn't want to spend $7 on a smoked salmon bagel from Bruegger's Bagel so I decided to go to the grocery store to get my own and make my own sandwich.

I should've went to school to become a chef because the sandwich I invented tasted sooooo good, even with all of the time it took just for a quick lunch. I'll call it Orange open face sandwich hahah:

all of this for $5!! O_o yeah....pretty ridic...but worth it. if it wasn't so expensive I'd eat it everyday

these were the ingredients + two hard boiled eggs + two slices of bread

the final product. yeah it looks like vomit. but the taste justifies how ugly it looks

different angle; oh how i wish i had my battery for my point and shoot!

grilled chicken that Tiff wanted to try from Valley Natural Foods. The grocery store is like a smaller version of Kolwalski's, Trader Joe's, and Whole Foods.

oh and we were craving cheese. Yes, I know we're big girls stuck in a small girls' body

Did a little shopping and ran into these sexy things....but they're $200. If I was working and wasn't planning a few vacations in the next upcoming months I'd so purchase them. Too sexy!

Had to get my fro-yo fixing. I've been craving it everyday, even if I just had it the day before. But Red Mango is a decent place to satisfy your cravings at. It's not bad, but not super good. The only downside to this place is that it's not self serve like other fro-yo places I've been to, so they decide how much you get for toppings )= I got the promegranate fro-yo w/mochi, mango, and strawberries.

Tiff got original w/mochi, strawberries, and kiwi

I made some canh tom (shrimp soup w/veggies) for dinner. I love that my mom taught me how make the broth which is versatile. I could add any kind of meat and veggies to make the soup. (=

forgot what these were called

raw shrimp

the broth

adding the shrimps in

adding the veggies

voila!

people normally eat this w/rice, but i'm trying to eat as little carbs as I can for my diet. but eating it by itself is still delicious! and yes i love my food spicy.

tea gets me happy

this was this morning's breakfast. it looks like lunch, but I had a huge craving for a sandwich plus I wanted to try and finish most of the soup before cooking a different dish for dinner tonight. (=

So far for tonight's dinner it's going to be ga nau nam (chicken stew w/mushrooms and carrots). It'll be my first time cooking it, so we'll see how I do! I've also been wanting to bake a lot lately, but baking is usually sweets and I don't eat that, neither does anyone else in my family. So if anyone wants so cupcakes, brownies, bars, or cookies I'll bake em and you can eat em free of charge! I'm actually kind of liking this whole domestic thing. But like everything else I'm sure I'll get sick of it.

P.S. I'm craving caprese salad....dkjsflksdjf #drools

Life's natural highs

There's something about falling asleep while reading a book with the lights on and waking up at three in the morning that feels good. ^_^ I think it's because while everyone in my house is dreaming, I'm awake. I complain about no one ever being home and how I hate staying home by myself, but it's nice having time to yourself when everyone is home. Yes, I know I'm weird.

Today feels good...I'm sure this morning's phone call has something to do with it too. #puke

• laughing, laughing at myself, laughing at stupid people, laughing at your lame jokes
• hearing my current favorite song when i least expect it
• long heartfelt conversations w/family, friends, and the best w/people you thought would never open up to you.
• a nice hot smoking shower in the mornings and before bed
• being a 'refugee'
• a cup of hot tea
• teaching someone something new
• singing in the shower and in the car
• monopoly
• learning how to cook from mother
• getting stuck in traffic w/good music
• knowing that someone misses you
• writing or as i would call it releasing brain juice
• getting a text or phone call from someone you haven't seen or spoken to in awhile
• inside jokes
• waking up knowing you've been given another day (=

Today's goals:
[]-smile
[]-decide whether to stay in MN or leave out of town for a week in November
[]-jog and soak in the beautiful fall scenery before nasty winter hits
[]-get lots of work done
[]-learn a new recipe from mother
[]-laugh
[]-continue trying to change someone's life, for the better of course

[]-breathe; live

Sober Saturday

I remember after moving to St. Louis anyone who's been lucky enough to taste my mom's cooking have always told me what a shame it was that I didn't get to learn how to cook from her (everyone raves how good her Vietnamese dishes are, all of them). Living on my own with 'home' being twelve hours away, after work or school I stayed on the phone with her teaching me step by step different Vietnamese dishes. And ever since I moved home I've taken for granted that the home cooking was readily available to me, no need to learn anymore. But with so much time on my hands lately, I've been given tons of opportunities to learn new recipes from my mother. And today, I decided to take on cream cheese puffs. I made a batch for my friends:

the mystery ingredient in the silver jar (=

everything mushed up

let the deep frying begin

it doesn't look that appealing, but everyone loved 'em! And I'd like to thank Tiff for showing me the recipe since my mother wasn't home to teach it to me herself. Everyone said it tasted different from most restaurants, but it was addicting. Feels good to know that I'm somewhat living up to my mom's reputation.

my loves working hard

tilapia for the fish tacos

Oanh's infamous dip...it's soooooo delicious. I can never stay away from it

Felix pretending to do homework

Johnny: "I didn't want to bring food so I brought something everything will enjoy!"

the tilapia frying

disgust-o!

Felix's version of a chili cheese dog (selfish ass)

some of the foodies

Max whipping up his carrot cake

my version of a chili cheese dog

who needs a man when you have orgasmic fish tacos?

the butter that goes into the cookie dough

Oanh the baker

Max's carrot cake

i requested only half to be frosted since i don't like frosting (=

I've known these people ever since I've been in diapers

and I've grown to love these ladies

Jenga for shots

It was a sober night for me, making it two nights in a row and for a Friday and Saturday that's pretty amazing. I guess not making any promises to myself works after all. Even though I was sober, it was an amazing night. Lots of food, catching up, reminiscing, food, laughs, and more food. I broke my diet where I indulged in a couple of my cream cheese puffs, a chili cheese dog, lots of Oanh's chips and dip, a couple fish tacos, cookies and milk, and a slice of unfrosted carrot cake. But it's okay, I'll just workout extra hard tomorrow to make up for it.

As much as I love Emmy and Fanyan to death, I was reminded why I rarely come over even though they have a get together at their house almost every weekend: they live super far. It also didn't help that there was a detour to get up there so it took extra long, felt like I was on a mini road trip. But the long car ride allowed me to catch up with a friend, and it also allowed me to see and listen to a side that she rarely allows others to see. We carpooled because she lives so close and it made much more sense to only take one car rather than having us drive separate, and I truly enjoyed the conversations we had.

It seems like I'm always craving for a good long meaningful conversation, and tonight I got it where I least expected it, with a friend who never opens up. I know you'll be reading this eventually, and thank you for letting me see this side that you keep from others. ^_~ You're right, even though we don't talk everyday, or even every week, but when we do get together to talk we always pick up where we left off.

I know I've said that I'm sick of people, but most of these guys I've known all of my life and if I haven't known them for that long, I've known them for at least 10 years now. I can never get sick of friends who have grown into family. <3<3<3