Light

It's the very first breath 
When your head's been drowning underwater

*****

I know keeping up with current events definitely isn't helping me. I often question my purpose after I read or watch the shit that goes on in this world. I often question "Why them and not me?" I often think we're the real suckers, we're all the ones stuck in hell..living in this terrible world. I often think to myself "How could I ever bring my child into this world full of hate?"

I have many questions that the man above hasn't answered, but I need to remind myself that I'm still here for a reason. I don't need to know the purpose now, but soon enough I will.

I just have to trust in him.
I just have to trust in myself to see the light in the darkest of times.
I just have to trust in my husband to support my decision.
I just have to trust in my family and friends to help me see this through.

You're the reason I believe in life.

*****

I'm a planner. It's amazing yet scary at the same time the things I'm capable of planning and seeing through.

I've thought of this for quite some time now. Up until now, I've trusted myself to not take action on it, but I haven't been so sure of myself lately.

It'd be so easy, so easy to make this all go away; it'd be so easy to make their pain go away.

*****

I was so stupid to have ever believed that everyone would be happy if they'd just decide to be. Not everyone is that blessed to get to choose how they feel.

******

Right now, I'm feeling passionate about:

• educating young adults about mental illness
• because it all starts with making sure the future of our world can identify symptoms, be comfortable to seek professional assistance, and will hopefully end the stigma

Right now, I'm feeling passionate about:

• sharing my personal experience with MDD
• because I want to educate others that there isn't one single path and that mental illness doesn't have a path it follows; it goes and does whatever it please so it comes in all shapes and sizes (some more severe than others)
• and also because I want to contribute to ending the stigma

Signs

I never saw it coming until it was too late. Here are nine signs to look out for:

1. Changes in sleep
2. Mood swings
3. No longer engaging in hobbies
4. Crying constantly
5. Recurrent Worries That Aren't Relative To Your Life
6. Chronic muscle tightness
7. Poor digestion issues
8. Guilt and self loathing
9. Talking to yourself

Source: http://bit.ly/2vu2ieu

"tammy! I think dave is having a seizure!"

Seizure; I'm pretty sure I didn't grasp what he was saying to me because I told him to get D. And he turned his back and ran over to him.

The man above has thrown my family into some really unbearable situations the past two months. Starting with D's father being diagnosed out of nowhere with glioblastoma and then my youngest sibling having a seizure at my wedding reception.

I hate to say this but it's almost bittersweet. Both times were unexpected, however, both times my family has come out on top and stronger than ever.

I was beginning to think life was TOO long for me and that i couldn't bear living in this horrible world for so long, but after recent family events I couldn't be anymore wrong. Life is not too long, life is too short.

Life is too short to be spending your days worrying about tomorrow because it truly isn't promised. You'll never know if those mean words you uttered to a loved one when you were angry with them for something petty will be the last words you'll ever get to say to them. Let's not have any regrets.

I'm going to think long and hard about how I spend my time going forward. I'm also going to think long and hard about the people I want to spend time with; make your time worth it.

I've never cried so much in two months before over the fear of losing a loved one. And somehow the man above teased my family with the THOUGHT of losing two loved ones.

Death is too real, but so is this life I've been given. I must be blessed with this time for something right? I must have a purpose here.

Sent from my iPhone

"It was a great day! Stop focusing on the negatives, it's all done and over with."

I've noticed that I dwell on things longer than I have in the past. What kills me is that I KNOW I SHOULDNT DWELL but I do it anyways because I CANT CONTROL IT.

The mind is such a powerful thing. Your brain is such a complex organ.

• I wished I spent more time talking to my friends and family (especially those that traveled far to be a part of our celebration)
• I wished I spent more time getting to know D's parents' friends that traveled in from out of state
• I wished I had better control over the seating arrangement; my cousin's mom (she's like an aunt to me but isn't officially apart of the family) had a seat with actual guests but was stuck sitting with vendors bc the list with the seating chart got messed up
• I wished I didn't spend so much on my wedding dress; I would've been happy with something from F21 or Lulu's for 90% less
• I wished I thought through the details more; seating chart, a menu was missing, how the desserts were displayed and when, probably wouldn't have done the chair covers, probably would not buy as many kegs and put more money toward liquor, enforce the no shot rule,
• I wished we spent more time with each table when we went around the tables
• i wished we got a viet dj to do it all; play viet songs for the OGs and the rest for everyone else
• I wished we had signs to direct guests to: the photo booth, late night snacks, coffee & tea, desserts
• i wished we did a rehearsal for the ceremony with the wedding party, ushers, family, and officiant
• I wished didn't drink as much so I could have done 90% of the things listed above so I wouldn't beat myself up over it now

...but it's just who I am now. My mind messes with me and I'm paralyzed.


Sent from my iPhone

It's better to feel pain than nothing at all.