Faith

In my younger years (and probably even now), I've depended a little too much in my faith that everything happens for a reason.

D.T.Y, you make me realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

Who would've thought.

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	Haven't had time to blog. It's been all about work, but hopefully that'll all change soon. Giving up stability for the unknown is something I've become really good at.

There's not a day that goes by where I don't ask how I got to be so blessed in life.

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Learning is tough

I've been hurt by the people I choose to call my friends more than any other in my life.

Learning to experience life with a small circle. But learning is tough when you keep forgiving and making the same mistakes.

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Vent Post

Why I Do The Things I Do:
1) because in some way or form it will make me happy. Directly or indirectly.

That's all it really comes down to.




***

Today I had my weekly one on one meeting w/my manager. Usually that involves talking about numbers, and stuff you wouldn't care about unless you were in my position. But today it was different. Coming into the room he told me immediately that he wanted to spend twenty five minutes talking about a strength that he thought I didn't leverage enough.

B: Tammy, do you think others like you, and enjoy your company?
Me: Well...that depends on who you're asking b/c if you ask (insert name here) I'd say no (insert name here) doesn't like me.
B: (insert name here) isn't your client. But overall, you're a likable person am I wrong?
Me: .....
B: I think you're not leveraging that enough b/c of your personality, and how others respond to you, you can get away with a lot more than others can. Whether that is blah blah blah...(him going into details & stuff you as my blog readers wouldn't care about)

He's right, and that's something I never even thought or knew. And this is why I love criticism. No criticism in my eyes is bad. Take it & leave it. Or you can take it & learn from it. or take it a step further & take it, learn from it, AND grow from it.





***

For the most part, I know what my strengths and my weaknesses are as a person. There are two weaknesses I am very aware of the second I am guilty of it, but I feel like I have no control over them.
1) allowing my selfishness effect the way I act towards those I love (IE: not getting what I want from the person & having mood swings)
2) allowing my mind to make up the worst possible outcome of a scenario, and allowing the fear of that outcome coming true to stop my potential of achieving something.

Those things effect me everyday, and everyday I realize it but I feel helpless when trying to change it.




***

I believe the foundation for any kind of relationship you have w/someone is communication. Whether the relationship is with a family member, a friend, a significant other, a colleague, a client, or anyone you have to be open and communicate with one another to have it last. Because honestly, we're not mind readers. No one knows what you're thinking or feeling besides yourself, and vice versa.

So tell me why it's so hard for me to communicate w/those I should be open with?

With social media being a tool used to express ourselves, I find myself turning to those outlets to express my happiness, sadness, anger, frustration rather than expressing those feelings to those who create them. And that's where the problem begins.





***

When we are together there are millions of feelings that run through me, and I have felt them all. But the one I feel more often than others is doubt.




***

I feel I want less, because I feel that's what I deserve. And from past experiences with too much of anything will cause problems and unhappiness.

All I want from life is to feel happier everyday than the day before, and for my loved ones to feel the same.

Things That Make Me Happy #'s 90-99

90. my early morning workouts and on occasion, post work workouts. It feels absolutely amazing going into the office after sweating like a pig for an hour. Whether it is running three miles and a little weight training or hot yoga, it definitely makes the long hours at work a lot more bearable. Thanks Emmy for introducing me to yoga, now I can't get enough of it.
91. When friends you haven't talked to in a long time text you out of the blue. Two told me they were coming into town. and a few said they wanted to say hi just b/c they were thinking of me. <3
92. The adrenaline rush I get a minute or two prior to meeting w/my clients.
93. Waking up knowing that the dreams I had were just dreams.
94. Walking away and leaving behind all things negative (people, things, etc).
95. Making GDC while doing what's best for my clients, and laughing at the advisors who make GDC only doing what's in their best interest (this fucking pisses me off b/c they're playing around w/people's life savings).
96. Seeing my parents smile at each other.
97. Seeing the reactions on each one of my family member's faces when they opened their Christmas presents. I did very well this year in choosing gifts for them.
98. Knowing that the man still likes me even after finding how imperfect I am.
99. How mild Minnesota's winter has been this year. Hands down, best winter ever.

	I haven't been the greatest daughter. I haven't been the greatest sister. I haven't been the greatest friend. I haven't been the greatest girlfriend. I'm human, I make mistakes, but when I realize I've made one I try my best to make up for it. I also neglect my relationships, but even after all that I've done I still have a several few who stand behind me and love me for who I've grown up to be. even though it seems like I take a lot for granted, I don't. thank you. <3

	my parents that I can do this MY way. that I can be successful. 4) building a relationship w/my clients and getting to know each and every one of them. 5) this job/potential career allows me to think about my own future in ways I've never thought about it before. that's all I really need to do when I run into a roadblock. and when these reasons are no longer related to this job, that's when I'll walk out. my colleagues always think I'm corny, but I truly believe we have the potential to make dreams or at least help our clients make their dreams come true. and finding that quick fix to make instant GDC isn't it.

	In the process of trying to understand my clients' emotions behind their actions I forget to think about my own. Like every job it comes with it's ups and downs, some now than others. and this one is definitely a roller coaster ride. I'm always trying to put myself in my clients' shoes to make sure that everything I am recommending is appropriate for their goals. it's so hard to stay on that path when it's so tempting to go on the track that'll make the company and myself the most money. I've seen too many of my colleagues either start on the wrong path or got so frustrated w/doing the right thing that they change paths. but I gotta remind myself to keep my integrity and that doing what's right may not give me the instant gratification but in the end I'll be able to look in the mirror and be proud of who I am. so in times where reaching quarterly goals seem so far away and the challenges of trying not to leave. I gotta remind myself of the reasons why I worked so hard to get to where I am and why I continue to work 70 hour Weeks. 1) the advancement and growth opportunities are present 2) I love learning about the complete financial picture and passing my knowledge to my clients 3) I am constantly motivated by showing

	"I am so mistrustful of my feelings that I've gotten REALLY good at rationalizing myself out of its existence." Everyone knows I'm not scared of anything. or I should say, they think I'm fearless. but there are a selected few who sees through that. I just gotta trust myself, what I feel, and time that all will work out for the best in the end..like it has in the past. everything seems too good to be true. gotta be cautious, so I'm not left with any surprises!