Sunday, November 22, 2009

Relationship Venting

Lately I’ve been receiving comments that I’m “cold-hearted” or “heartless” by my peers. I’d like to take those comments as compliments. I don’t think I’m either, I just like to see it as, I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see but for no one to possess.

I know I talk about taking risks all the time, and that life is too short to not take them. But I would rather not take the leap of faith and risk getting involved in l-o-v-e. If I was all about risks, I think I would’ve risked everything for nothing a couple weeks ago, but I’m here, with everything, but why do I still feel like nothing?

I’ve always saw relationships as, never settling for anyone, because if you settle, you’ll never be happy. I’ve always saw relationships as, always go for the one you’ll love more, not going for the one who will love you more.I’ve always saw relationships as, it’s impossible to find someone who’ll never hurt you, so go for the one who’s worth all of the pain.I’ve always saw relationships as, a two-way thing, not one-way.I’ve always saw relationships as, a long-term investment, you’ll never know if that investment will be a life investment.I’ve always saw relationships, as a lot of different things, but those were just a few.Thinh is right about something, I’ve always had a set of firm beliefs that I’ve always stood by for the past five years we’ve been together, and for me to all of a sudden to think any differently is not possible. He knows me so well, it’s scary. Besides myself, he’s the only other person who knows me at all, well besides a couple selected ‘best friends’, but he knows me better than my own immediate family. And he’s right though, I’m not thinking any differently from my beliefs, there’s just something in the way that’s holding me back.

After spending a couple weekends with him since our break up, things are slowly but surely falling into place again.

One of my wise friends reminded me that things are never set in stone, so I could change my future to the way I want it. But with Thinh, things seem to be set in stone; it’s scary but comforting at the same time. It’s scary because he’s my future, no one else. It’s comforting because knowing that I’ve already possibly found the one person I may be spending my life with is nice. But it’s again scary because I’m so young, I always talk about how life is so short, but when I think about him and I, life is long.

When I broke up with Thinh for that short period of time, you know how many people were shocked because we were so ‘perfect’ or that we ‘belonged together’. Even people we don’t really even spend time with came up to me telling me that they couldn’t see me and him with anyone else but each other. Is there something wrong with that picture? I’ve always hated that people thought our relationship was perfect, because no relationship is perfect. We just don’t like to fight in front of people, or let people know about our relationship problems, that don’t mean we ‘belong together’.

I also hate that I’m always the ‘bad’ one in our relationship and that he’s always the ‘good’ one. I told him that and he said “it’s because they don’t know what’s going on.” I’m still not the bad one, believe that.

There's soooooo much more I need to get off my chest but I'll save it for later.

Learn Your Karma From Your Zodiac Sign:

In Indian (Vedic) astrology, your zodiac sign determines your karmic path and the challenges you will face during your incarnation in this life. Here is a simple break down of how your zodiac sign can reveal your karma based on past life experiences. (Via)

Your challenge may be to put someone else first for a change as you are a fire sign who is very ambitious. Your challenges often have to do with your reputation. Problems with money can arise because of your impulsiveness.

You are a stubborn individual and it may be your challenge to admit for once that you are wrong. Loneliness is often a problem for this sign.

You tend to escape reality and, as talented as you are, you may be presented with situations in this life that force you to be more grounded. Health problems could present themselves. Love triangles are common and fidelity could be another challenge for you.

You are very inward looking and shy. Your challenge may be to overcome depression or a “woe is me” attitude. Mental health and relationship problems are common.

You are a very arrogant and ambitious individual and you may be presented with challenges in this life that force you to be a little less selfish and shallow. Financial problems are common with Lion type karma.

You are a very controlling individual who finds it difficult to let go. You may be presented with situations in this life that compel you to be less rigid. You may often be dealing with situations where you are not credited for your work or you feel unloved.

You are indecisive and you may be forced to make some tough decisions that are out of the ordinary to remedy your karma from other lives. You will learn not to blame others for your problem. The issue is to determine whether you are a martyr or a victim.

You can be obsessive and too concerned with sex. Your challenge may be to rise beyond the compulsive nature of your desires. You may also be tempted to dabble in the occult.

You can be wayward and concerned only about your own agenda. Issues of commitment could be challenging in this life if you are born under this zodiac sign.

You love money and acquiring possessions. One of your challenges may be realizing that money is not everything in this life. You might also be presented with issues that show you that “everything” does not have to be perfect for you to be loved.

You love to be free and to while away the hours in your own mind. Unfortunately, this leads to procrastination. You may face challenges that are the consequences of not being mindful or paying attention to what is important in life.

The Pisces zodiac sign is always looking for the other in their life time. The challenge might be how to learn how to be alone or you might face issues of coherency and addiction.

--I'm a Gemini. Funny, what my karma says...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Friday, November 13, 2009

Who knew. I didn't expect things to turn out the way it did.

I'm running against time.

Trade everything I've known and am comfortable with for something unfamiliar and unknown? People would say I'm crazy if I traded everything I've known in for something unfamiliar, that's why I'm still here, physically. I feel like my heart is elsewhere. You can too.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Keyshia Cole - Fallin' Out

How is it possible to think you knew how everything in your life will turn out to be, and BAM a couple of weeks later, the tables have completely changed and you no longer know where anything is going anymore...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Transitional Joint - Elzhi

It's been a little over a year since one of our first GNO's...this night was so much fun. I wish things and time stayed the same.

I don't know what I want anymore, and it scares me. There's so much in this pot, that I'm afraid I might be ready to fold the hand, but it'll be more than just a hand that I'll be folding.

Are you strong enough to call my bluff?


Serendipity, not only is it my favorite movie, but it's the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely...

I should stop myself before.