Au Revior 2009, Bonjour 2010!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Swam with dolphins. Snorkel w/tropical fishes, sharks, and barracudas. Swam with sting rays and fed them.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't have a new years' resolution and i probably won't make one for next year or any other

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My aunt, Haley is adorable

4. Did anyone close to you die?
THANK the man above and my guardian angel, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
No new countries )= Hopefully that'll change in 2010.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
patience and time (so contradicting!)

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
There's a lot. But I'll keep that to myself

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
working 40 hours/week while going to school with 15+ credits and still making A's and B's

9. What was your biggest failure?
Leaving my job before finding another one to fall back on

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Another Blackberry, this time my 8900. New toys in 2010, I have my eyes on a dslr.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, going out, and traveling

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My trips to Florida and Vegas w/people who matter.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
that Black Eyed Peas one...only because over do it on the radio (something something gotta feeling tonight will be a good night)

Compared to this time last year, are you:

17. Thinner or fatter?
Skinnier

18. Richer or poorer?
poorer

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?
work. Why oh why did I quit my job? Now my winter break will suffer because of it.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?
spend spend spend

21. How will you be spending Christmas?
Home, K Dramas

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Nope.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Glee, GG, Dexter, Weeds, Greek, anything on HGTV

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nah

26. What was the best book you read?
A Different Mirror -Ronald Takaki it was for my intercultural comm. class

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Some new bands thanks to a "human" friend of mine

28. What did you want and get?
everything

29. What did you want and not get?
nadda

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Hangover, Law Abiding Citizen

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
turned 21. Dinner with family and close friends. Followed by a week long trip to Orlando and Miami and celebrated with my Floridians.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Learning to be patient and not to rush into life...still trying!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
More and more girly as the year goes on...more and more dresses that i'm wearing and slowly learning how to apply something girls call make-up

34. What kept you sane?
my awesome girls and guys, and my awesome family

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
james franco. smart and sexy

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Bailout money to "top" companies that definitely do not deserve the dough.

37. Who did you miss?
my family in Cali, I keep telling them I'll visit, but I haven't gotten the chance

38. Who was the best new person you met?
there's only one person that sticks out in my mind right now. two letters human H.K.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
Plan your work, then work your plan

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

The entire lyrics to Kid Cudi Pursuit of Happiness

Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit
Feelin’ lit feelin’ light, 2 am summer night.
I don't care, hand on the wheel, drivin drunk, I'm doin’ my thing
Rollin the Midwest side and out livin’ my life getting’ out dreams
People told me slow my road I'm screaming out fuck that
Imma do just what I want lookin’ ahead no turnin’ back
if I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest
if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets

*Knock Knock*

Dear Tammy,

*knock knock* is anyone in there?? When are you going to start taking your academics seriously? You're supposed to be graduating this Spring, and although I already know how you don't care what society thinks and their measurement of standards in life, like when someone should be done with their undergraduate, but seriously, it's time to get your fucking shit together!!!!!!!!

*****

I'm so disappointed in myself. I never take my academics serious, and now I'm in this stupid and frustrating situation. If I can't get myself out of this, I don't know what to do.

I know finishing school will get me to where I need and want to be in life, but somehow someway my head still doesn't listen, and I still don't take it serious enough.

I wish I could just go back in time and go through high school all over again. But then that'd be going against everything that I believe in..

In times like this I don't know what I believe in anymore. I need a friend right now.

I regret telling a friend something I never should've told 'em. I question your trust. And if I have to even think twice about you, then damn, things aren't the same.

There's so much that I want to blog about, but I have no idea on where to start.

Push me.

What's with everyone using '....' In their sentences? Sounds so depressing and sad.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

All nighter day #2

I'm so sick of school.

All of this reading in my communication classes have me wanting to create a Web 2.0 site and making millions off of it after selling it to a big time company like Google or Yahoo!

I also dislike society's whole you-won't-be-successful-unless-you-have-a-college-degree deal, well you know what? Fuck you society!

dfajsdflkdsflkd

Maybe I just need sleeep, lots of it.

Relationship Venting

Lately I’ve been receiving comments that I’m “cold-hearted” or “heartless” by my peers. I’d like to take those comments as compliments. I don’t think I’m either, I just like to see it as, I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see but for no one to possess.

I know I talk about taking risks all the time, and that life is too short to not take them. But I would rather not take the leap of faith and risk getting involved in l-o-v-e. If I was all about risks, I think I would’ve risked everything for nothing a couple weeks ago, but I’m here, with everything, but why do I still feel like nothing?

I’ve always saw relationships as, never settling for anyone, because if you settle, you’ll never be happy. I’ve always saw relationships as, always go for the one you’ll love more, not going for the one who will love you more.I’ve always saw relationships as, it’s impossible to find someone who’ll never hurt you, so go for the one who’s worth all of the pain.I’ve always saw relationships as, a two-way thing, not one-way.I’ve always saw relationships as, a long-term investment, you’ll never know if that investment will be a life investment.I’ve always saw relationships, as a lot of different things, but those were just a few.Thinh is right about something, I’ve always had a set of firm beliefs that I’ve always stood by for the past five years we’ve been together, and for me to all of a sudden to think any differently is not possible. He knows me so well, it’s scary. Besides myself, he’s the only other person who knows me at all, well besides a couple selected ‘best friends’, but he knows me better than my own immediate family. And he’s right though, I’m not thinking any differently from my beliefs, there’s just something in the way that’s holding me back.

After spending a couple weekends with him since our break up, things are slowly but surely falling into place again.

One of my wise friends reminded me that things are never set in stone, so I could change my future to the way I want it. But with Thinh, things seem to be set in stone; it’s scary but comforting at the same time. It’s scary because he’s my future, no one else. It’s comforting because knowing that I’ve already possibly found the one person I may be spending my life with is nice. But it’s again scary because I’m so young, I always talk about how life is so short, but when I think about him and I, life is long.

When I broke up with Thinh for that short period of time, you know how many people were shocked because we were so ‘perfect’ or that we ‘belonged together’. Even people we don’t really even spend time with came up to me telling me that they couldn’t see me and him with anyone else but each other. Is there something wrong with that picture? I’ve always hated that people thought our relationship was perfect, because no relationship is perfect. We just don’t like to fight in front of people, or let people know about our relationship problems, that don’t mean we ‘belong together’.

I also hate that I’m always the ‘bad’ one in our relationship and that he’s always the ‘good’ one. I told him that and he said “it’s because they don’t know what’s going on.” I’m still not the bad one, believe that.

There's soooooo much more I need to get off my chest but I'll save it for later.

Learn Your Karma From Your Zodiac Sign:

In Indian (Vedic) astrology, your zodiac sign determines your karmic path and the challenges you will face during your incarnation in this life. Here is a simple break down of how your zodiac sign can reveal your karma based on past life experiences. (Via)

ARIES
Your challenge may be to put someone else first for a change as you are a fire sign who is very ambitious. Your challenges often have to do with your reputation. Problems with money can arise because of your impulsiveness.


TAURUS
You are a stubborn individual and it may be your challenge to admit for once that you are wrong. Loneliness is often a problem for this sign.

GEMINI
You tend to escape reality and, as talented as you are, you may be presented with situations in this life that force you to be more grounded. Health problems could present themselves. Love triangles are common and fidelity could be another challenge for you.

CANCER
You are very inward looking and shy. Your challenge may be to overcome depression or a “woe is me” attitude. Mental health and relationship problems are common.

LEO
You are a very arrogant and ambitious individual and you may be presented with challenges in this life that force you to be a little less selfish and shallow. Financial problems are common with Lion type karma.

VIRGO
You are a very controlling individual who finds it difficult to let go. You may be presented with situations in this life that compel you to be less rigid. You may often be dealing with situations where you are not credited for your work or you feel unloved.

LIBRA
You are indecisive and you may be forced to make some tough decisions that are out of the ordinary to remedy your karma from other lives. You will learn not to blame others for your problem. The issue is to determine whether you are a martyr or a victim.


SCORPIO
You can be obsessive and too concerned with sex. Your challenge may be to rise beyond the compulsive nature of your desires. You may also be tempted to dabble in the occult.

SAGITTARIUS
You can be wayward and concerned only about your own agenda. Issues of commitment could be challenging in this life if you are born under this zodiac sign.



CAPRICORN
You love money and acquiring possessions. One of your challenges may be realizing that money is not everything in this life. You might also be presented with issues that show you that “everything” does not have to be perfect for you to be loved.

AQUARIUS
You love to be free and to while away the hours in your own mind. Unfortunately, this leads to procrastination. You may face challenges that are the consequences of not being mindful or paying attention to what is important in life.

PISCES
The Pisces zodiac sign is always looking for the other in their life time. The challenge might be how to learn how to be alone or you might face issues of coherency and addiction.



--I'm a Gemini. Funny, what my karma says...

Curiosity after curiosity. Life is too interesting.

Who knew. I didn't expect things to turn out the way it did.

I'm running against time.

Trade everything I've known and am comfortable with for something unfamiliar and unknown? People would say I'm crazy if I traded everything I've known in for something unfamiliar, that's why I'm still here, physically. I feel like my heart is elsewhere. You can too.

Good Cover

lkjkl

Keyshia Cole - Fallin' Out

How is it possible to think you knew how everything in your life will turn out to be, and BAM a couple of weeks later, the tables have completely changed and you no longer know where anything is going anymore...

The Transitional Joint - Elzhi

It's been a little over a year since one of our first GNO's...this night was so much fun. I wish things and time stayed the same.

*****

I don't know what I want anymore, and it scares me. There's so much in this pot, that I'm afraid I might be ready to fold the hand, but it'll be more than just a hand that I'll be folding.

Are you strong enough to call my bluff?

*****

Serendipity, not only is it my favorite movie, but it's the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely...

I should stop myself before.

Avant - I Wanna Be

It’s funny how life works. How everything happens and somehow it all fits together.

*****

There’s someone who I’ve known just as long, if not longer than most of my girlfriends and it’s just been the past month that we’ve really taken the time to hang out, talk, and really get to know each other. It’s funny because when I’m having issues she’s the first person that pops in my head to reach out to. And I’m truly thankful that I have her as a friend. Now when I think about the past month and how nice it has been to find someone trustworthy again, it makes me think why didn’t I take the time to get to know her before? People really do have great timing when coming into your life, another reason why I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.

She’s shown me that not all girls are fake, so thank you for being real, honest, and most importantly trustworthy. We’re so much alike that it’s good to hear her tell me things that I wouldn’t listen to if I was telling myself the same thing.

*****

When things get to be too good to be true, I gotta do something to make sure it’s still real.

*****

How do you know that the person you’re with is worth all of the time? There’s a bajillion others out there in the world, how do you know that the very one person you are with now, is the one?

I believe that everyone has one heart, therefore, everyone will have one love.
Mot trai tim, mot tinh yeu (Vietnamese for one heart, one love).

I've been feeling so unmotivated to blog lately. But I promise (you ^_^) that I will post up about my guardian angel soon.

I've been feeling curious lately... *sigh* and I can't fight it away. I'm actually scared.

Tonight's movie of choice: Tristan and Isolde. Let's hope it's good.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Watching a late night movie. Tonight's pick: P.S. I Love You
It just started and I'm already tearing up.

Theory #3:

Everyone is whole; no one needs someone to complete them.

I believe that happiness starts with you. If you do not feel happy with who you are and what you have then how is anyone else going to make you happy? Especially a significant other.

I think too many people expect their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife to make them feel complete and happy. And a lot of people who expect that out of their s.o. are finding themselves more and more disappointed when their s.o. doesn't make them feel that way. But maybe that’s the problem; you shouldn’t expect them to create something that you should have for yourself to begin with. I mean think of it like this, shouldn’t you be happy that you have friends, a family, a car to drive, a roof over your head, and food to eat? Shouldn’t you just be happy that God gave you life and he gave you another day to breathe? I know I am. That’s why I don’t depend on anyone to make me happy except for myself.

The weight of happiness shouldn’t depend on another person, they have their own happiness and problems to worry about, no need to add yours onto the list.

One thing I do expect out of a boyfriend is for him to make me happier. That’s not too much to ask for is it?

"I don't need a man in my life to make me happy, I'm already happy with myself, but I wouldn't mind a man in my life to make me happier." -Tammy Le

For Memories, $ is worth it

When I was in my teenage years, I’ve never wanted to get married. I thought the idea of spending my life with another person was impossible, I didn’t believe in love, and I thought if I was ever to get lonely I could just adopt. Well things have changed, not because I’m with someone great, but because with me being with someone great, it made me realize how much I want to share my life with another great person. If I wanted to, I could graduate from college, start my career, start a family, own my own home, and travel the world by myself. But I don’t want to; I want to share all of those things with someone I love.

I blame Nghia and Giang for getting me hooked onto these Still Motion videos. I haven’t cried watching one yet, but I have to admit they are pretty sweet. Supposedly to hire Still Motion for same day editing is $10,000.00. Well, I better start saving now.

I am only going to get married once in my life with my true love whoever that may be. I definitely want to cherish it, remember it in the best way possible and also share it with everyone I love and care for. A video by them would definitely do!

Here's a video of one of my favorites:

melinh + cwell's sde // toronto from stillmotion on Vimeo.

Still Motion links:
Still Motion Blog
+Videos

In addition to theory #2

Things I wouldn’t give an exception for:

physical abuse: a slap, a punch, a kick, even a little pinch, if he wasn’t joke then adios!

too controlling: when he tries to be in charge of every aspect of my life, the possessive one

cockiness: total turnoff and it honestly makes the guy look bad

disrespect: don’t put me down, you will not succeed and you’ll never see me again, even as a friend

gold-digger: I don’t mind paying and buying things, but when you’re using me, that’s another story

expecting change: I will not change for anyone but for my immediate family and myself

not defending me: I can defend for myself, that doesn’t mean I want to. If you are my man, you will defend me and have my back. I would do the same for you, and I expect the same from you. Even if I’m wrong, have my back in front of others, and talk to me about it behind closed doors

the word “divorce”: this will only apply for when I’m married. If we’re in the heat of an argument and my future husband says the word divorce, it’s OVER. I don’t believe in divorces, because I believe that love will work out no matter what. But if you’re thinking about it…warning sign.

Things I thought I wouldn’t give an exception for:

infidelity: I’ve always told myself I’d never be that girl to take a man back after he’s cheated on me

waiting: I’ve always told myself I’d never wait for a man to make up his mind on whether he wanted to be with me or not, because I believe that if you really want to be with someone, you shouldn’t have to think about it

no clear future: I’ve always told myself that I wouldn’t waste time on someone who couldn’t see a future with me

sexting, sex-mailing, sexbooking, etc: when you’re sharing nudes w/another person or talking to them about sexual deeds

crying: I’ve always always always have told myself a man is not worth my tears

verbal abuse: I hate when the man I’m with swears at me. I am not your friends or your dog

dishonesty: I hate liars, and I never thought I’d make an exception for a man lying to me. (I have in the past but I won’t anymore after our “official” break up with T two years ago, I broke up w/him because he lied.)

underappreciated: who hasn’t felt like this ya know? So I guess it’s “normal” but I’ve always thought that a man should always appreciate the things I put forth into the relationship.

Obviously, there’s probably more to both lists, but I just can’t think of off the top of my head. I’ve always this and that, but you really never know what you’ll do, whether stay with him or leave him until you are in the situation yourself. Things are a lot easier said than done.

Theory #2:

Expectations before and exceptions after

I’m guilty of this and I know I’m not the only one. We’ve all set expectations of how we want every relationship we’re in to be. What the deal breakers would be (most of us would say cheating), what we want from the other person, etc. But then when the s/o does one of the things we've told ourselves we’d break up with them for, which one of us would really leave everything we've put time and energy into?

That’s when the exceptions come in. I don’t like to admit it, but I’ve made plenty of exceptions in the past, with past relationships and even with the person I’m with now. It’s not because I am weak willed, it’s because somehow faith always keeps me going. Faith, that if I give this exception, this one time, things will be better and he wouldn't break another expectation.

But with every expectation does come with disappointments.

Theory #1:

There are good men in the world, but even good men are human, and as humans we all make mistakes. I don’t think woman who are in a monogamous relationship with a man should trust him 110%.

My theory is that in all men, even the good ones, that there will always be a .01% chance that they will cheat on you. Whether it be physically (kiss, holding hands, sex, oral, etc) or emotionally (telling things he doesn’t tell you to some other woman, etc), never give him that .01% of your trust.

We all want to believe that the man we’re with will never do us wrong, I mean if we didn’t, why would we still be with him right? But, if a man finds a chance to cheat and never get caught (in his mind, because the truth will always find its way to the surface no matter how old the situation is), he will. I’m not saying, go throw your relationship out of the window right now, because I also believe that if the man above really wants you two to stay together, than you two will find a way to work out anything and everything, even infidelity.

Let’s just hope these good men that I’m talking about are smart enough to learn from their humanly mistakes.

Quotes of the Night:
"If I didn't know Tammy and only saw her facebook, I would think she's a 200lb girl." -ButterBall

"You were too wild for me." -Not stating who

Tired but my mind won't let me sleep

Four or more jobs you have had in your life:
1. best buy
2. cub foods
3. wells fargo
4. m&i

Four movies you could watch over and over:
1. serendipity
2. serendipity
3. serendipity
4. serendipity

Four places you have lived:
1. california
2. st. louis, mo
3. everywhere, mn
4. n/a

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. Glee
2. Weeds
3. Dexter
4. My House is Worth What?/House Hunters

Four places you have been on vacation:
1. vietnam
2. orlando, tampa, miami, fl
3. cancun, mx
4. las vegas, nv

Websites you visit daily (or most often):
1. facebook.com
2. blogspot.com
3. gmail.com
4. cnn.com

Four of my favorite foods:
1. banh bot chien
2. bun bo hue
3. raw shucked oysters
4. chocolate brownie w/vanilla ice cream

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. sleeping next to T
2. somewhere warm, preferably somewhere w/the ocean and sand
3. Europe
4. dreaming

Four things I always have with me:
1. blackberry 8900
2. sony cybershot
3. my lib balm
4. my debit card

New York, I <3 You

I am extremely disappointed. This movie came out tonight (Oct 16), but the closest theater playing it is in Illinois! UGH.

Success, Money, & <3

The view from my parents' living room

*****

Success is an ambiguous word. It’s hard to have just one definition for the word, so what’s yours? I’m sure a lot of people’s answers will include the ‘lots of money’ in it somehow. Not mine though. It might be cliché to quote someone for a definition of a word, but I couldn’t have said it any better.

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty. to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve never understood why so many people value money, and I might never know why. There are a few things I value in life, and money shouldn’t on anyone’s list, but the sad thing is it’s on almost everyone’s. Yes, it’s nice to have it, but if you don’t it shouldn’t be a problem. It just seems like everyone who’s started from the bottom and worked their way up, all of a sudden changes who they are because of the fact that they have more money, I think it’s rather sad. Everyone starts from the bottom, remember that. And if you didn’t start from the bottom, then I feel sad for you because having money handed to you by family doesn’t show very much of who you are as a person. I just wish that people who started from the ground up, wouldn’t forget who they are while riding to the top.

I will be successful later in life, and I can guarantee you that I won’t forget where I came from before all of the luxuries. And I definitely won’t forget the people who stuck by me either, because all of you will be up there by my side.

*****

I think one way men show that they love you is by them trusting you with their deepest, darkest fears and secrets, especially from those who have too much pride in saying the actual word itself.

I wonder how women show their love?

cause this is how I always feel

"I guess you’re right; I’m afraid. I’m afraid to put my guard down. I’m afraid that if you know who I am, you won’t feel the same. And I’m afraid that once my barrier is defeated and I’m comfortable, that you’ll walk away. Because that’s what everyone’s done anyway."

...but I've never allowed anyone to break down this barrier, and to melt this ice.

I'm so sad right now. It's sad to see friendships torn over things that aren't worth it. Even if it's not my own friendships. but it is what it is...

Testing 1,2,3...testing out the mobile blogging.

Todo Tiene Su Final.

All I really want in life...

I think I've come to realize that all a girl really wants is:
1) to find love
2) to experience love
3) to fall in love
4) to marry and create a family w/her love
5) to be loved unconditionally

...well maybe that's all I really want. That's not too much to ask for is it?

*****

Someone prove this wrong to me please...

They say the one you love and the one who loves you most, are never, ever the same person. Someone please prove this wrong!

....what.the.hell. has gotten into me? Where is the cynical Tamzilla I used to know?

Is it fair?

Is it fair to consider myself 'mean' because I am not afraid to speak what's on my mind? Because I am comfortable enough with myself, that I know who I am? Because I don't care what anyone else says about me and the people that I love and will stick up for them? Is it fair to consider myself a 'bitch' because I am not afraid to speak the truth, even if it hurts someone else's feelings?

I am against liars. I have no respect and want nothing to do with people who lie. Sugar coating is considered lying and I won't sugar coat no matter how much I'm trying to protect someone's feelings.

There are people I know who don't take criticism well, in fact they probably take an offense to it, but I like it. It makes me know how I should better myself. I think other's should do the same. Listen to the critcism, and thank the person who had the nerve to tell you it. Cause only true friends will tell you what's up.

I'll definitely add more to this! I just really have to finish my philosophy paper. 11 hours left to finish it.

Scary Cat

T’s not a big fan of scary movies. He likes to say they’re boring and pointless to hide the fact that he’s actually scared of them. Back then I’ve always gotten him to see scary movies with me but ever since my move back, there’s been no luck on getting him to go until about a couple weeks ago, and even then it was hard to get him to agree to go, I had to use the best of my best persuasion skills for us to go. The movie we saw was Paranormal Activity, and ever since that movie he hasn’t been sleeping well. I vow to myself that I will never ask him to see a scary movie ever again. Yes, it’s that bad, and yes, I feel that bad for getting him to agree in the first place.

We were probably one of the first ones to see it in Minnesota, and we had no idea what the movie was going to be about. Rather, I didn’t know what the movie was going to be about. I mean I saw the trailer, but I didn’t know it was going to be like that (I don’t want to ruin for those of you who haven’t seen it yet). If I had known, I wouldn’t have asked T to go in the first place, but what’s done is done. The night of the movie, I was forced to sleep over, and we couldn’t sleep at all. We had to wake up to make it on time for his 11 o’clock class but he decided to skip it since he was so tired from not getting any sleep. And for the rest of that week he slept over at his best friend’s house, after a week of that he’s finally been sleeping at home but not in his room, which is cute and funny all at the same time, but I’ll have to admit I do feel bad. Even when I’m sleeping over at his place, we sleep in his room but we both can’t get any sleep. He does crazy things and it makes me scared so I wake him up and it’s all just a continuous cycle…haha.

And on top of not being able to sleep in his own room, he has me stay on the phone with him until he falls asleep, then I hang up around 7 or 8 in the morning cause I know for a fact he’s sleeping then. I could hang up earlier when I hear him snoring but just in case anything crazy does happen. Well tonight is the first night since the movie that he’s decided to try and sleep without me on the phone. So far so good.

Wow. I can’t believe I just typed up that much about my boyfriend being scared!

11 Things People Forget

1. your best friend is your worse enemy.

2. Nobody wants to see you doing better than them.

3. Blood is not always thicker than water.

4. Not everyone you love will love you back.

5. Things are always easier said than done.

6. It's true when they say the hardest part is letting go.

7. Life goes on with or without you.

8. Just because someone tells you they love you, doesn't mean they mean it.

9. The trusth always finds its way to the surface.

10. People come and go.

11. Someone always has it worse off than you.

"Hey lover, am I the only one,or are you selling your baby a dream?"-Twista "Dreams"

Valley Fair July 11, 2009

******

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always some...one there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"-Unknown

When did life get so scary? Between finding ourselves and the person we’re suppose to spend the rest of our lives with, we could die, or worse break, our heart. That’s one reason why I’ve never given anyone one. You can’t break what’s not yours, and since it’s not yours, you can’t break.

I’ve never let anyone in 100%, because I’m smart enough to know the consequences of doing so. And is kind of sad, but I don’t think I will ever let anyone in all of the way. T’s been the only person I’ve ever let in this far, and I don’t think anyone will get passed this point, even him. No one wants to get hurt, no one wants to be vulnerable, and no one wants to cry, so why let myself get any of those things? If there’s a way to protect my heart, then you bet you I’m going to do whatever I can to never let it break.

It’s not that I don’t believe in love, I do. It’s just my definition of love is complicated. There are no first, second, third, or tenth love, there is only one love. That person that I will love will be the person I marry, and will be the person I die happy loving. I believe that if you love someone, you can and will work out anything and everything, from distrust, lies, infidelity, to financial problems, if you truly love that person, and if that person truly loves you, you will be together forever.

It might sound a little corny, but I’ve seen it happen with my own eyes, true love does exist. And I’m not worth any less; I deserve true love, with my one and only love. So until the day comes, I’m keeping my heart to myself.

T is a very good boyfriend. I actually can’t imagine anyone doing the job of “Tammy’s boyfriend” better than he does it, but there will always be doubt with him. Not the kind of doubt you’re thinking about, but the doubt of whether or not we have a future together. I’m the kind of person who likes to plan things out, to know what the future holds for me. While T on the other hand likes to take each day as it comes, I bet you he probably doesn’t even know what he’s saving for right now! That’s another reason why I know I shouldn’t let him in completely, because I don’t know if we’re going to be in each other’s future or not.

What keeps me going, what motivates me in a relationship is knowing that we have a future together. The future is what makes me want to try. If I couldn’t see a person in my future, I wouldn’t want to waste my time on them. But with T, even not knowing what our destiny holds for us, I can’t help but keep trying my best in our relationship. I guess for this relationship, it’s not the future that’s keeping me going, it’s the faith I have.

"So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it, if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."-Greys Anatomy

We have split, went our own ways, lived our separate lives, and even then our feelings for each other couldn’t be erased. Maybe, just maybe it can’t ever be erased. Just maybe. Only the man above knows what our fates hold, I also wish I knew, so I know if my efforts are going towards something good or just a lost cause.

Thinh and I in 2005, our first State Fair trip together

It's now 2009, and my heart remains a heart of fire, encased in ice.

Early morning vents

Live I’ve said before, when I am meeting new girls, I am very cautious. And there are two deal breakers that I look for when meeting one: gold diggers and sluts/whores/skanks…you get the point. If a girl is any one of those two traits, I will not befriend you. Yes, I give everyone a chance to prove themselves to me, but I believe that you are who you hang out with.

You are who you hang out with:
Say you go out to the clubs and bars with a girl who known to be a gold digger or a skank, or just has a bad rep in general, people who know her but don’t know you will automatically assume you are the same type of person she is. After all, that’s why you two are friends right? –Because you guys have things or rather something in common. But then if you go out to the clubs and bars with a girl or girls who have a clean rep, girls who are well-liked by mostly everyone (it’s very hard to be liked by everyone, someone will always try to bring you down), then those who don’t know you, but know them will automatically assume you are well-liked, clean rep also.

--This theory of mine, works only to an extent though. It is possible for one person to have a variety of friends, BUT the person looking at you at the bar or club doesn’t know this. They only perceive what you’re letting them perceive, which at that very moment is the group of girls you are friends with.

And with that theory of mine, I wouldn’t want to bother wasting my energy and time on girls who have no self-respect. We all have standards in life for everything; let’s just say this is my standard for having girl friends.

Gold digger:
A woman who cares about the material objects and the money more than the man; A woman whose underlying interest in the relationship is material benefits; A woman who is a prostitute (in my sense), using sex to receive material benefits; A woman who lacks the independence to support herself, so she sells sex to get it from a man; A hooker, just smarter.
…need I say more? Who wants to be associated with a hooker? –Definitely not me!

Sluts/Whores/Skanks:
A woman whose intentions are to sleep with as many men as possible; A woman who sleeps (it could be dating too) her ex-boyfriend’s friend(s); A woman who sleeps with another man, while in a long-term relationship with the man she did not sleep with; A woman who has more than one baby daddy within a year or two; A woman who has done dirty deeds for more than one man during a week time span; A woman who sleeps with a man while knowingly that he is unavailable; A woman who has no self-respect.
……yeahhh enough said.

I feel irritated by women who have such low self-esteem that they constantly are looking for attention from men. If you don’t respect yourself enough to have a high self-esteem, seeking the approval from men isn’t going to make it any better, I mean if you don’t respect yourself, who will? I certainly won’t. And I think it’s ridiculous that so many women are getting breast implants to make themselves feel better. Yeah, men like big breasts, and you could easily say “Oh easy for you to say because you have big boobs.” –Yeah, I do for a woman my size, but whatever happened to appreciating what your mama gave ya? Besides, fakeness will only get you so far. Just like fake breasts. They look nice (again with the whole perceiving thing), but while you’re in bed with your man, he’s always going to prefer the natural stuff over the too hard stuff. Oh and that goes for push-up bras too, it looks nice, but once you’re in bed and he realizes your “big” breasts aren’t so big, he’ll be one disappointed fellow.

I could go on and on about my women pet peeves, but I’ll save that for another time. (=

*****

I'm honestly trying to keep all of the "parasites" out of my life, and along with that I'm trying to figure out who are the "parasites" that are already in my life and kick them out, but it seems like they're following me everywhere!

Like a good friend of mine has told me, no matter how far you try to run, your past will still be with you. I just wish these people would just let me have seperate lives for them, and then seperate lives for others. Let's not intermix two things that are so good so that it could go wrong.

It's undeniable

What is your relationship status?--unavailable
What is your man's name?-- T.I.P.
How long have you known eachother?-- 7 years
What color are his eyes?-- dark brown
Where did you first meet your man?-- Carthage, MO...still remember the moment! and what he was wearing too =X
What was the first thing you said to each other upon meeting?-- he said, "Hi, I'm Thinh, you must be Tammy."
Who else was around when ya'll met?-- The same guys that are always around us! haha
Were you friends before you dated?-- for a couple of years, yes
Where did you go on your 1st date?-- A Movie, Shooters to shoot pool (which I won btw), and Denny's (=
Do you remember what you wore or he wore on your 1st date?-- I wore a peach Bebe shirt w/jeans and my kswiss, and he wore...don't remember! A white hoodie and jeans?
Most fun date you two have been on?-- Playing monopoly w/his nephews at his house
Do you go on more alone or group dates?-- not really alone and not really group...more with just his our friends + us.
Who usually pays for the date?-- 50/50, I feel weird if he pays all of the time. I'm not a golddigger!
What does your man do to make money?-- investments. (=
How many years apart are you?-- he's a year and five days older
Do you normally date older or younger guys?-- preferably older
How did ya'll first kiss?-- I lost a bet, and was suppose to make the move but was too shy, so he did during Shark Tales. That same night he asked me to be his "babygirl" haha
Did he use any cheesy lines?-- he's very cheesy! it's cute.
How long have ya'll been together?-- 5 years. with a one year break )=
When did you meet his parent's?-- On his prom day.
Who said, "I love you" first?-- we haven't said the three words
What was the first thing he gave you?-- my giant baby cinnemonny rollie thingy on my bed
What's the cutest thing he does?-- everything he does is cute
What does he call you?-- baby, hunnie, em
How well does he know you?-- ridiculously well
How well do you know him?-- ridiculously well
Does he have any scars?-- yes his FOB stamp
Do you know any of his ex's?-- yep
Is he friends with any of his ex's?-- yes
What is his favorite thing to do?-- Linneage II; the olympics, botting, and sieges
What is one thing that really annoys him?-- when I give him an attitude because of something he didn't do, other personal stuff I prefer not to say
Are you happy?-- very, too happy
Do your friends like him?-- some yes
Do your parents like him?-- they love him
Is he the best kisser out of all that you've kissed?-- =P yes!
What does he do that gives you butterflies?-- i've never gotten butterflies
Have you ever gotten into a fight?-- yeah
If so what was it over?-- stuff
How many kids does he want to have?-- the same amount i do
Have you ever loved anyone else?-- i've never loved anyone
What is your best memory together?-- too many to state
Have you talked about a future together?-- no. we're taking each day as it comes
Do you think you two will get married?-- taking each day as it comes

YOU OR YOUR MAN?
Who eats more?-- we both eat the same amount, but him sometimes
Who weighs more?-- him
Who sings better?-- him
Who's Older?-- him
Who's smarter?-- me of course, (;

DIFFERENT WAYS:

Who's temper is worse?-- mine, he rarely gets mad
Who does the laundry?-- we both do
Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?-- i do at his house, he does at mine
Who's feet are bigger?-- his
Who's hair is longer?-- mine
Who's better with the computer?-- him
Who cooks dinner?-- me
Who makes more money?-- his investments sucks, so me! haha jk
Who drives when you are together?-- he does
Who pays when you go out to dinner?-- we both pay
Who's the most stubborn?-- the both of us, but he's learned to get over his stubborness over time
Who is the first one to admit when they're wrong?-- i am
Who's parents do you see more?-- both of ours
Who named your dog?-- we dont' have one
Who kissed who first?-- he kissed me
Who asked who out?-- he did
Who's more sensitive?-- i am
Who's taller?-- T.I.P.
Who has more friends?-- I do, most of his friends he's met through me (=
Who has more siblings?-- me
Who wears the pants in the relationship?-- me of course, (; haha
How did it all begin?-- he casted a spell on me
When did you meet?-- August
Was it love at first sight?-- no
how old were you both?-- i was 15 and he was 16
When did you have your first kiss?-- October
How long until you met the parents?-- 7 months
When was it official?-- October 8 and December 4

The good...
Whats your happiest memory of him?-- tons
Whats the sweetist thing he has ever done for you?-- read a previous post of mine
Whats your favorite thing to do together?-- lay in bed doing nothing but be lazy!
When did you know you were falling in love?-- not there yet
Is it true love?-- who knows?
How do you know this?-- n/a

The bad...Whats his worst habit?-- being forgetful
What annoys you about him?-- he knows me too well, and knows how to get me to not be mad!
Has he ever hurt you badly?-- yepp
Would he ever cheat?-- hopefully never again
Has he ever cheated?-- yes
Do you trust him?-- 110%

The ugly...
Best facial feature?- - his cheek bones
Favorite part of his body?- - his stomach (even though its a mini beer belly) his arms, and legs
Hair colour?- - black
What does he smell of?- - indescribable but i love it
Whats he wearing when you picture him in your head?- - his birthday suit (;

Intimacy...
How do you feel when he holds you?-- safe
How do you feel when you fall asleep and wake up in his arms?-- nothing else matters
How does it feel when he touches you?-- warm
Does his touch give you goose bumps?-- no
Does he kiss your neck?-- yes
Your forehead?-- yes

Deep and meaningfull...
Could you be without him?-- yes and no
Do you think about him constantly when your apart?-- not constantly but enough
Can you see a future together?-- of course
Would you like to get married?-- someday
Have children?-- someday
Where can you see your relationship in a years time?-- together, graduating college together, starting our careers..
5 years time?-- lets not jinx anything
Do you know there is definately no-one better out there for you?-- who knows
How do you know this?-- n/a
Are you scared he might find someone better?-- of course, but if there is someone better for him, than i'll be happy for him. sometimes it's not about you.
Is he your best friend as well as your lover?-- yes. i tell him everything!
Does he come first over everyone else in your life?-- after my immediately family, yes

On a lighter note...
Whats the funniest thing you have ever done together?-- we got scared together haha recent event (=
Say something that only you two understand:-- shark tales
Does he make you laugh?-- all of the time
Do you wrestle?-- yes
Is he tickelish?-- very
Are you?-- kind of

His Favorites...
Food?-- depends
Drink?-- alcoholic = mojito, reg: water, strawberry lemonade, icetealemonade
Sport?-- football
Past time?-- anytime he's w/his boys which is all of the time
Animal?-- he doesn't have one surprisingly!
Clothing style?-- casual
Band?-- he doesn't have one
Music?-- viet/rap/r&b

Your things...
Song?-- river flows in you - yiruma and he's joked about akon - right now
DVD?-- his tv series collection
Place to hang out?-- jay's
Meal to cook together?-- his late night snack, shrimp pasta w/veggies

Lasts...
Time you saw him?-- three hours ago
Kissed him?-- three hours ago
Spoke to him?-- two hours ago
The last text he sent you?-- you too baby
See him again?-- tomorrow
Speak to him again?-- tomorrow
Tell him you love him again?-- hmm

Have you ever...
Spent the night together?-- every weekend
Celebrated a holiday together?-- every holiday
Met his parents?-- yes
Had naughty time?-- lol we're all grown ups
Made him cry?-- once or twice
Done anything spontaneous together?-- lots
Is this love?-- who knows, only the man above knows

Job Hunting

I've been unemployed for about two and a half weeks now, but I haven't started looking for another job until today. I had no motivation, and I definitely wanted to enjoy the free time I didn't have before quitting M&I...and so I am. Enjoying my time. I'm definitely getting the sleep and study time I deserve.

Took me about a half an hour to update and revise my resume, it's been two full years since I've touched or even looked at it, boy should I start revising it every month! It's hard to think about the skills I obtain and the work related courses I've taken in school under pressure. For resumes, I'm basically trying to sell myself in the best, shortest possible way. Not everyone will be impressed at first glance, and if they're not impressed at first glance they won't even read it.

During this job hunt, I've got to remind myself that not everyone has created a resume or even know how. Not everyone has the work ethic and work experience that I have. So I have an advantage over the majority of the people. All I need to do is land the interview and I'm set. I've never ever landed an interview and haven't gotten called back to accept the position, never. I think if there was an interview that I've failed, it'd be a big blow to my ego. But right now, I've got a big ego...

Wish me luck guys, for I need it because my savings funds are running low, and bills need to be paid!

I've applied at too many places. Sit back and let it happen...rewarding myself with an all new episode of GLEE!! (=

"You will find that each relationship you’re in & the hardships that come with them are the building blocks for being able to handle almost any situation in your future relationships. Until finally someone comes along who will love you unconditionally & who you’ll just know is in it for the long run. For now, learn the lessons, appreciate the time spent & move forward. There is no use in being miserable over someone who is happy without you." -Unknown

Cultural Backgrounds, who are you?

I am a Vietnamese-American woman, and if there was any other racial backgrounds that I could pick I wouldn’t trade up my ethnicity for any other ones in the world. From Vietnamese culture to our country and our different religious beliefs, I am damn proud to have Vietnamese in my blood. Growing up was different though. When I was a child growing up in Eden Prairie there was a big part of me that wished I was White. There were so many things that I couldn’t do that other White kids could do because I was Vietnamese (or just Asian to them). I remember I could never sleep over at any of my school friends’ house for birthdays because my parents held certain beliefs that “We are Vietnamese, we don’t allow our children to sleepover at other people’s houses unless we are there with them.” especially because I was a girl! And one birthday I got my dad to let me sleep over (he was always easier going than my mom), but during the night, my mom called my friend’s house telling them that they were going to be over immediately to pick me up, after that night I remembered holding a grudge against my parents for not letting me stay. Even growing up in Richfield in my early teens, I got over the whole White thing and wanted to be Laos..took me awhile but I know who I am today, and I’m damn proud of it. I love the beautiful ao dai’s (traditional Vietnamese dresses), our fish sauce, our food, music, our people, our holidays, even the crazy stuff like superstitions…everything. Don’t get me wrong, I love other cultures, I just am proud to have the culture that I have. But am I so “Americanized” that I cannot recall the day where I first saw someone other than my ethnicity? I grew up with all different kinds of races and ethnic backgrounds that I think I’m pretty accepting and open minded about everyone, it was normal for me to walk into a classroom with a “rainbow” variety of kids. Today, was probably the first time I felt like a minority in a long time. Everyone in my intercultural class could relate to one another but me.

*****

Growing up I hated that everyone in school who had dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, chinky eyes, and short, was automatically Chinese. Or when they call us 'Asian'' like it's an ethnic background. Yes, we're asian, but we're a sub group of that group, ignorant people! But now I love it when people guess my ethnic background, gives me a little taste of what I look like to others than those who already know who I am. I've gotten guesses on Korean, Chinese, and Japanese...I guess I look pale or something (haha..ok that was wrong, bad me for stereotyping).

It still amazes me how racial discrimination is still around though. You'd think since it's the 21st Century people would grow up and learn from past mistakes, but nope.

And it's funny how we conform to the "American" way so that we don't get discriminated. We now wear premium jeans and North Face gear just like "Americans"do. You don't see any one of us wearing those silk pj's they wear back in Vietnam out in the streets, and we did, we'd automatically assume they're "FOB." Yes, I'm guilty of this, but it's just funny isn't it? How we talk about how much different we are and blah blah blah but really we're still trying to conform to something?

Today's Horoscope

You should be feeling especially strong, healthy, and charismatic, and you are likely to receive some invitations to some exciting parties. You might be surprised at what appears to be a sudden increase in your level of popularity. Expanded opportunities on the career scene could also come your way from new acquaintances, and you could find doors for a whole new life will open - new friends, new position, and possibly even a new home.

"Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own"

When you sacrifice your own, for the other person's. <3

Short 'dislike' list

-People who change their profile pic (on FB) every week/day, and have more than 25 "profile pictures" are too into themselves. Get over yourself!

-Boots that are open toe..not cute!

-Not being employed

-cleaning my room; I don't mind cleaning other people's rooms but when it comes to mine, I try to avoid it for as long as I can.

I need new friends. Or maybe no friends at all. Why can't people just be honest and real? Why are there so many fake people?????? The people I've hated in the past, I've apologized and told them why I disliked them. The people that I actually wanna be friends w/atleast. But so many of my girl friends talk about this person and that person to me behind their backs and are friends with them to their faces. DISGUSTING.

I've been meaning to make a post about my guardian angel, and how I know she's mine and my family's guardian anglel, and what have led me to believe it. But I just haven't gotten around to it yet. BUT

My brother just totaled my sister's car while driving her and himself to work. After all of these years, she's still looking down on us and watching over us to make sure we're ok. <3

It's the anniversary of her death today. (I posted on my FB her birthday sorry mistake!)

Maybe after I get out of the shower I'll tell you guys my story.

The three of us back in the days

Today marks my little brother and sister's 20th birthday. They are no longer teens, and are a year closer to being able to drink legally. Even when that day comes, I have no doubt that I can trust them with alcohol. Neither of them have shown any interest in drinking in the past unlike myself, so I know I can trust them when they do turn of age next year. But that is next year and this year they are finally 20!

I'm proud to see where the both of them are right now in life. And even though they both can be the pain in the ass most of the time, they are my blood, family, and I love them very much so. Just like my parents, if anything was ever to happen to either one of them, I think I'd be depressed...<3 you both very much so! and I hope they both get what they wished for, even though this year, I cannot give them whatever it is they want because I recently just lost my job, but hopefully when Christmas rolls around, I'll be employed again and can give them somewhat of a little something something. (=

This is as deep as I can go since it's five in the morning, and I just got done reading pages after pages of philosophy..but I may add a little more later on today.

I just logged onto my fotki to pic a photo of the day, and I saw that someone looked into my prom albums! Wtf?! haha!!!

*****


Not a polaroid! But I feel this is the speed my life is going at 100mph, and it's not stopping. &&& I would love to just TRAVEL right now.

*****

Today was my last DWC class. It's once a week for twelve weeks that I have to go for two hours and sit there and listen and learn how to change my thoughts, beliefs, and actions to try and not relapse (makes me sound like a hardcore drug addict!). It was a drag at first to go to those classes once a week for twelve freakin weeks, and not to mention that they were two hours long each, but it was a good experience. $240 for the class alone not including other fees so I encourage everyone to find a sober driver each and every time you drink!

The experience was good because I got to know myself a little bit better, what my goals are, and how I affected others in my life with my DWI. I am proud to say that I will never ever drink while I know I have to drive again. And shame on those for peer pressuring me, when fully knowing that I have to drive!

There were many people who helped and supported me through this and still are so I'd like to thank:

My sister; she's done a lot for me like drive me to and from work and school, sometimes dropping me off to meet up with Thinh, to eat, the malls, waking up early as hell, and dropping off things for me late as hell. I know she complains about it and it gets annoying but without her, I don't know how I would've made it to work and school everyday + that court date.

My daddy; he's gone as far as hiding this whole thing from my mom, something that every husband shouldn't do, but he loves his children and knows when and how to protect them when they need it most. and he's the one who convinced me not to waste 5 G's on a stupid lawyer, thank goodness!!

Oanh; she's encouraged me to not drink when I don't need to and she's picked me up several times to go meet up with Thinh and to hang out with us. I think without her encouragment I would've ended up "relasping." LOL

My close friends; I don't need to name all of your guys' names, but thanks for the support. (=

Last but not least: Thinh; He's done more than enough, more than he should already. When it first happened, he bailed me out, gave me a place to stay until I could go home (long story! it was Thanksgiving weekend, my whole family was over the day when I got bailed out and my dad told everyone I was in Chicago w/friends so I couldn't go home), helped answer my questions about lawyers, prosecutors, court, fines, charges, and it was all when we weren't back together yet. Even when we did get back together a few weeks after the DWI, he was very supportive and picked me up early in the mornings (which is very sweet of him since he's not a morning person at all) to drive me to court, forced me to pay my previous tickets before the DWI, drives down to my hood to hangout with me on weekdays, picks me up drops me off on weekends, etc. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend/bestfriend. <3

Everyone has been really supportive, and I am very very grateful for that! Now it's my turn to return the favor by making sure that no one in my life gets in the same situation I was put in. Jail for two days wasn't fun, paying expensive fines aren't fun (I could've taken at least three trips w/that money!), missing school and work to go to court dates aren't fun, the DWC classes are expensive and aren't fun although you learn a lot, being on probation sucks, not being able to drive for a certain period sucks. It just makes you more dependent on those around you, and some people might not get lucky like me to have so many people to depend on and to support you. So don't drink and drive everyone!!!

Life's too short to make every mistake yourself, so learn from other peoples!

I wish I had the balls to quit school, put everything and everyone in my life behind and just travel the world.

Life is too short for this and that. Definitely too short to stay put in one place for too long.

Blogging from my BlackBerry right now and it's so hard and slow! Blogspot, if you're reading this, please make a BB app already! It'd make my life so much easier!

I'm trying to do things different. I need to declutter my life of unneccessary things and unneccessary people. I said I was going to start this months ago, but those people always seem to find a way to crawl back into my life. It's frustrating and very annoying. Which makes me think should I just tell the person straight up how I think of her? But that would just cause awkwardness and tension when we do see each other because we have plenty of mutual friends, OR just cut her out without her knowing? But then she'd just keep acting like we're still good friends.

I just can't shake this person off. No matter how much I want to remain silent, apart of me just wants to scream and let her and everyone know what a bogus person she is! I have the right to call her that because I know her well enough to know how she is in and out, sideways and longways.

Anyways, why is it that I've been feeling dumb in my geo class? I know I'm smarter than I've been acting in labs, but my lab partner always just knows how to make my brain go crazyyy!

I need to find a job pronto!!

I wish I could just win the lottery already. I've always thought of winning the lottery as the "easy way out" but I can't help it but feel lucky or...lost my trail of thought cause T called. Beat from school, finish this tmr.