Thursday, March 31, 2011

Just a little vent

It's time to make a wish
And I'm wishin' for you
I hope it comes true

It's just a song. Don't think too much into it. I'm content with how things are. Had to throw that out there because I know 90% of you will assume. ^_~

- - - - -

Instead of grabbing my usual drink from Tea Garden and dashing right after, I decided to stay and finish some last minute things. From the time I sat down to the second I left, every familiar face I saw their first words to me were "Holy crap you're alive!" or "Where the hell have you been?" (a friend even went as far as snapping a phone pic of me and posting it on Facebook w/the caption saying "she's finally found!") And although it got a bit tiring having to repeat myself over and over playing catch-up, I was secretly satisfied. Satisfied that I succeeded in not giving into temptations to go out these past few months, and I was able to stay on the down low.

Since the first signs of autumn started showing, I kept telling everyone that I didn't want to go out as much, see anyone, and that I felt unsocial. Which is really unusual for me because I'm a butterfly when you put me in a room full of people. From strangers to people I know, I just love communicating with everyone. But even with me telling everyone how I felt, and even knowing deep down that I would rather stay home and hibernate than go out, I never followed through with my declaration. When 2011 rang in, I knew I had to start putting actions towards my words or I'd go crazy. And I couldn't be happier with my low key lifestyle, at least for now.

I feel like those who keep telling me that I have made a complete 360 change never really knew me. Because if they did, they would've seen the signs, before I started to voice them. And to those who didn't start getting to know me until autumn, that's a shame because I was a fun person. I still consider myself to be fun, but w/the things I find exciting many of my peers don't.
My friends who still party weekly and occasionally daily, keep asking me why I won't come out and they push for answers, but there seriously are no words to explain how I feel. I know, I know I look young, and I am young. There's no denying that, being in my early twenties
is considered a baby to some of my dinosaur friends. But how I old I feel is completely different to how young I look or how young my birth certificate states I am.

Today, while at Tea Garden I sat there and told many stories I have never told anyone before. Stories about my experiences in life to have led me to believe the things I believe in. My friend lended me her wonderful ears (thank you!), and after telling the stories she gives me this wide eyed look and says "Holy shit you've gone through some pretty crazy things, but it's tight" haha damn right it's tight. If I hadn't gone through any of the things I did in my life, I wouldn't be who I am today.

See some people don't like to look back in their past because they believe it does nothing for them in the future. But I like to believe the opposite. If you don't look back and reflect on your past, how will you know what mistakes to try and avoid in the future? I seriously could go on forever about this, but I'll leave that all for another day.

Or even better, just schedule a coffee date or lunch w/me and we can exchange stories. (;

Most of this is again repeat. But I always feel the need to write about it because even though I felt a slight feeling of success today, I'm still not satisfied with everything yet. But then again, will one ever be completely satisfied?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


I’m sure by now every one of you have heard of him: Justin Bieber. He’s the now 17 year old pop star who was found off of YouTube. Those of you who know me know that I love Justin Bieber. Not because he’s this adorable teenager, but because of who he is. And who is he you might ask? Well, he’s more than a kid that used to have a “lesbian haircut” or a kid with women of all ages dying to meet him that’s for sure.

Before I attended his concert at the Target Center last June, I only knew him as this not even legal boy who was found off YouTube that had catchy songs w/good lyrics playing on the radio with lots of little girl fans. But all of that was enough to get me on the Bieber Bandwagon. For my birthday last spring, I had the choice between Lady Gaga concert tickets or Justin Bieber concert tickets so I chose the latter. Yeah,I know, when people hear I chose Bieber over Gaga they give me this “are you crazy” look, but I couldn’t have made a better choice.

I went into the concert expecting a few things:
1. the Target Center would be packed w/screaming under aged girls accompanied by their mom’s and dad’s
2. I just wanted to hear him perform Baby and Up and I would leave the concert a happy girl

I don’t expect much out of concerts I go to because usually the artists stink live. I would rather hear most of their songs blaring through my BlackBerry speakers than attend a free show only for me to lose respect for them. But the concert gave me way more than what I was expecting. I was mind blown by this sixteen year old kid who has more swag than any man I know. Justin Bieber is talented, and his concert was by far one of the best concerts I have ever attended. This kid was singing, dancing, playing the piano, playing the guitar, playing the drums, and on top of that making girls all over Minneapolis swoon for him. Sean Kingston, Jessica Jarrell, The Stunnerz, and Iyaz were also there to perform with him and even if they weren’t there the concert would’ve still been good.

What is the whole point of this post? When an artist is as talented as Justin Bieber, they deserve recognition and respect, even if the kind of music they make isn’t one you’d typically listen to. You have to respect the fact that they aren’t using auto tune. That they can keep a crowd excited. That they can dance, sing, and play instruments all at the same time. And to do all of that at such a young age is pretty amazing. I’m just tired of disrespectful people (mainly guys) who don’t really listen (you may hear it, but do you actually listen?) to his music. The haters usually see Justin Bieber as this little kid who makes corny music and that’s that. They don’t know the depth of his talents.

So to all of you who think Justin Bieber is this joke artist, I suggest you click play to any of the songs I have posted underneath this post and really listen to the lyrics. If the lyrics and the tune to his songs don’t win you over, go see his movie Never Say Never. I guarantee you that the movie/documentary will have you respecting him. And if the movie isn’t enough, go buy a ticket to his concert. You can see for yourself, with your very own eyes that he’s a talented guy that has a lot to offer in the music and entertainment industry. I’m not asking you to hop onto the bandwagon or all of a sudden have Bieber Fever, I’m just asking you to stop dissing an artist who deserves respect. He’s a lot more talented than most of the mainstream artists I hear on the radio.

"When I met you girl my heart went knock knock
Now them butterflies in my stomach wont stop stop
and even though it's a struggle love is all we got
so we gonna keep keep climbin' to the mountain top"

I was one of those skeptics who believed his career would be over once he hit puberty. But now I'm a belieber. hahah ^_~

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


"You may not always end up where you thought you were going,
but you will always end up where you are meant to be."

Yeah cause all of these signs and what not have been ri-fuck-in-dic-u-lous.

Monday, March 28, 2011

No Human Contact Mondays Update

Today is the last Monday in March and since the month started I decided to do something called No Human Contact Mondays, where I have a full 24 hours of Tammy Time. No contact with friends, people, strangers, etc. Of course with the exception of my family (since I do live with them), and people I happen to run into while I'm out running errands and what not.

The first Monday of March was rough, let's just say I failed. The Monday after that I completely forgot about the whole thing, but the past two Mondays (including today) I've done a pretty good job of. Except for today where I had to meet up with a friend to start helping him out with some event planning stuff, but other than that I think I'm going to keep this up for all of the Mondays that follow today.

It's been nice to have a full day to myself and have no obligations to anyone. I get most of my to-do stuff crossed off on this day, and I find myself sleeping easier on Monday nights because I accomplish more during the day.

I've been meaning to blog about a lot of things for the past two weeks. I have jotted them all down on my handy dandy black notebook. But I won't get a chance to until I'm done with all of the things I have agreed to take on from my sister and a friend who is in need of help. So for the next three days I'll be doing all nighters, spending lots of time at this desk, at the library to get some research done, and lots of time on Microsoft Excel putting some things together. I've also agreed to get back onto Facebook for the next couple of weeks just to promote for a friend because he thinks I'll help draw more people in for the event. I doubt I'll persuade anyone for the event, but I'm not sure how I feel about hopping back on anymore. I'll feel bad if I don't keep my word though.

Who knows, maybe these next three days of business will get my old go getter self back.
All of this will definitely test my writing skills, organization skills, excel skills, and time management (which I need to get together regardless). But all of this work will definitely make these next three weekends in April worth it.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Here's a Trick

If you ever question who your real friends are, all you have to do is screw up. Then, wait and see who sticks around. #iseeyourtruecolors

Eye Contact

I remember in my teen years, I hated eye contact. I believed that your eyes were the windows to your soul, and I never wanted to let anyone in. Of course though, now it changed. Not that I want anyone in, I just don't believe that anymore. I've noticed that after working in the customer service field at several different financial institutions, handling other people's money is a sensitive thing. I mean these people work hard for their money and they want to know that their money are in good hands. Since I have always held a position where you had to sell different financial products, I've learned that making strong eye contact always gives these clients/customers a reassurance that their hard earned work is in good hands. That they can trust you and your suggestions.

Even now that I'm not working I'm always making eye contact with the people I am exchanging words with, even if it's the barista at Starbucks. It show your confidence, and theirs if they don’t avert their eyes.

There’s something about someone showing that all of their attention is on you that I find pleasant. Especially when you’re in a room full of people, there’s so much going on but you and that other person (oh please don’t mistake this other person as someone you’re interested in or dating. I mean it can be, but it doesn’t have to be) are ignoring everything that’s going on in the background by holding each other’s gaze across the room.

Nonverbal communication is such a beautiful thing. Wait, communication in general is a beautiful thing.

May be surrounded by a million people, but I still feel alone

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Things that make me happy #'s 50-59

50. seeing a stranger smile at you
51. dinner w/the family (which we've been having a lot lately)
52. staying home on a Friday and Saturday night w/snacks laid out on my bed, watching a movie and reading a book w/music playing in the background
53. having your friends put you in check, sometimes all we need is a little slap in the face for a reality check
54. going somewhere for the first time (I got to go to the Walker Art Center and try a few new restaurants this week!)
55. nights where I have no trouble falling asleep
56. men in tailored suits (saw Nick Cannon at the America's Got Talent taping on Thursday afternoon..and w-o-w! all men should walk around in one 24/7)
57. looking through the oven window (i love doing this and seeing your masterpiece cook)
58. finally getting the piece of whatever out of your teeth after trying for so long w/your tongue
59. driving with the yellow light on and making it to your destination (i dread pumping gas, especially at night in the cold MN winters)

What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Sunday, March 20, 2011

For the next 24 Hours

Other than going for my morning run
I will have two windows open:
1st click this
Then, click this.
+ songs from Lene Marlin, Britney Spears, Jewel, Michelle Branch, Leona Lewis, Adele, Michael Buble and etc on repeat
jotting ideas in my notebook
attempting to finish my long overdue book
and replying recruiter's emails and voicemails.

No human contact mondays is in full swing.
So if I don't pick up your calls
reply to your texts
or tweets
or emails
it's not you, it's me.
Try again at midnight.

Random convos:

Tiff: What card is missing from Tammy's deck?
Paul: the queen of hearts
Tiff: *looks at me* Wow, how ironic. Tammy's missing a heart too.

- - - - - -

Mummy: What kind of cigarettes do you smoke?
Dave: L&M
Ba: What is that?
Dave: Marlborro is too expensive so I buy L&M.
Mummy: how much is it?
Dave: L&M is 4 something, and Marlborro is 5 something.
Ba: You know what kind of cigarettes are cheap?
Dave: *eye glare* (cause we all knew what my dad would say)
Ba: the I don't smoke any cigarettes brand.
(This was all in Viet so it was funnier.)

- - - - -

Me: So do you still work out?
Ginnifer (nickname b/c the person wants it like that): *flexes his biceps* does it look like I have?
(One of those you had to be there things. We laughed for a good 5min. Probably got some abs too)

- - - - -

They're all recorded here for memory purposes. Just like this blog. Not to please you readers. So if you don't get some of it, good.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Faith, Trust, & Hope

Disclaimer: I got this off tumblr, and if you're familiar with tumblr at all, it's a place where people reblog a bunch of stuff so I'm not quite sure what the real source is. But it's cute and I thought I'd share it w/people who aren't on tumblr.

  • Once, all villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of the prayer, all people gathered and only one boy came with an umbrella. That’s faith.
  • Example of the feeling of a one year old baby. When you throw him in the air, he laughs, because he knows you’ll catch him. That’s trust.
  • Every night we go to bed, we have no assurance to wake up alive the next morning but still, we have plans for tomorrow. That’s hope.

  • FreeSol - Don't Give It Away

    Tell the truth u just pissed off cause you lost control
    But you can’t let go
    And you and I both know
    That’s the way it goes

    Friday, March 18, 2011


    I've been laying here for the past two hours, and all I could do was think. Thoughts racing through my head, and while I resisted the urge to grab my black notebook and RSVP pen to jot everything down, I told myself "tomorrow morning". And somehow tomorrow morning wound up to this: me grabbing my BlackBerry.

    I'm thinking about everything possible. How I don't give a fuck about much in life. How I'm so happy and content in life right now that my only motivation is to give whatever it is that my parents desire to them. How everything happened exactly how it was supposed to, to teach me all of this in life. How stuff that would have got me excited a year ago no longer excites me. How I would rather spend my weekends going out to dinner w/my family, talking, laughing, reminiscing our past, and planning our future together than drinking w/my friends. How I crave reading a new book versus going downtown. How I would be out of Minnesota in a second if my family was able to go with me. How I've been friends w/these people for so long and after all we've been through we're still friends. How wonderful and fun all of their weddings will be. How I can't wait to go back to school. How I can't wait to go back to dressing up in business clothes for work. How I'll save a ton on gas once the light rail is finished. How I want to sell my car and move to Australia w/the money. How the cops are basically waiting for me to fuck up. How my parents still have it in their hearts to love me after all I've done. How easy it is to be happy, but so many people aren't. How and why do people value money and material things so much? How much I want to go camping this summer just like old times w/my bestest and longest known friends. How I would like to spend my summer fishing. How I'm going to spend my birthday: first time in four years in Minnesota or another out of state celebration? How I only spend it out of state b/c I don't like "celebrating" it. How my parents have gone from yelling and fighting each other to loving each other. How my parents worked so hard to give us everything. How on Earth did my brother get to be the way he is now (was it how my parents raised him? Genetics? What?!) How I've accepted the fact that I'll never get married, and how incredibly content I am w/that fact. How I really wish I knew how to play the piano. How RIM isn't doing anything new w/BlackBerry's. How incredibly blessed I am. How my guardian angel is holdin' up in heaven. How I wish I got to thank her for teaching me so much when I was a little girl. How I am sorry for the way my brother acted towards her and I just watched. How I wish my parents would downsize this house already. How selfish we all are. How my friend is going to spend her 21st birthday next month. How I basically didn't break lent except for one day. How much I just want to do the time now to get it over with. How awesome Lollapalooza will be. How if I was still in Cali right now I'd have my own fixie and ride it everywhere instead of driving Weezy. How much I want to go running right now. How my dad and mom are going to be a year closer to leaving me in the next two months. How I wasn't strong enough to be there for my brother when he needed me most. How I blew off his daily calls and voice mails. How I turned down all of those job offers. How my sister says I should give them a try. How determined and self motivated my brother is. How incredibly smart they both are. How I'm so happy for her to be w/the love of her life at such a young age. How I see him as if he were my own brother. How I can be so wreckless. How much I miss people watching in NYC. How if I'm going to wait to go to Serendipity w/"the one" that I'll never get to go. How kind of silly that movie really is. How that Russian kid who split his head open on the playground is doing now. How I'm still super short even though I drank tons of milk when I was a little girl. How I almost dropped Kevin while holding him when he was just a few months old. How Kevin, Vincent, Haley...all of my cousins, nephews, and nieces (viet way) won't remember me b/c I was never around and still not. How much I wanna go diving w/the sharks in Australia. How and why I love Australia so much. How I wanna see the Black Hills this summer. How we should've went to see the Black Hills for the goons' SB. How my sister never got to travel like I did when I was her age. How she deserves to travel. How I wish I could be in Japan helping the tsunami victims. How I want to teach English in Vietnam. How I just want to make an impact on people's lives. How I want to join the peace corp forever. How if it wasn't for giving everything to my parents I wouldn't care about how much I make. How I would help people for free as long as housing and food is paid for. How I want to trade the X5 for a fixie. How I wish everything was closer so I could just get around in a fixie. How I smashed my head into one of the many garages riding a bike. How I came home from school one day and found out my guardian angel was in the hospital. How I came home from school one day and found out my dad was gone. How I came home one day and found out my brother split his head open. How we got so much Halloween candy trick or treating in our old old neighborhood in Eden Prairie. How different Eastview was from Richfield High School. How I wish I wasn't such a rebel when we were in Vietnam. How it was so much fun riding on a motorcycle while my cousin was going 100+ mph. How I used to want a crotch rocket. How my dad would drive passed cars when I was little girl and I'd point at each one saying I want that when I get my license. How much I love my parents. How much I love my family. How I used to hate them so much. How I got my first flowers from a couple of friends when I turned 14. How incredibly fun prom was. How I miss the STP boys. How it was really good and nice unexpectedly running into them last week. How I'm going to rearrange my room for the first time since we moved into this house. How I graduated high school with a bunch of strangers. How I'll probably never go to my high school reunions. How I wished I would've graduated from Richfield instead of Eastview. How I should've listened to my ortho and wore my retainer 24/7. How I want my teeth whiter. How I want to do a road trip. How I've gotten over my large ears. I wonder if my brother really did quit smoking. How if the things he tell me are because of his condition or are they real. How we haven't seen him for a good week. How wrinkly and super old looking my hands are and if palm readings are real. How short should I cut my hair or leave it long. How people will read this and think I'm crazy. How I think it's cool to be crazy through someone's eyes. How so much can and has changed in just a year. How ridiculous life is. Ridiculously unpredictable. How I should force myself not to think about any of this anymore...

    And finally if I should stay up the rest of the day or just sleep.
    Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

    Thursday, March 17, 2011

    Happy St. Patrick's Day!

    Look! I'm not wearing my usual black attire... [=

    I have never celebrated this holiday...and I don't think I'll be starting this year. A few friends are going out and some are also throwing parties, and although I've debated on joining them w/the green festivities I think I'm going to pass. My heart stops every time I'm driving and I see a cop on the road. I'm sure there'll be extra 5.0's tonight + drunk drivers...I'm good on risking it all for a night of green beer fun. But for everyone who are planning on celebrating tonight, I hope you all have a designated driver, have fun, and BE SAFE!

    Wednesday, March 16, 2011

    "It's hard to resist the temptation of loving someone for the sake of being with someone, so I think you are really brave to wait for the right one to come along. People don't want to be alone."

    Ah, but it's easy to not wait and live life w/great company.
    Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile


    So last week (or the week before that) I told you how there were signs everywhere about my future, my desires, wants and needs.

    I decided to not pay attention or look for them in any way just to see what'll happen. Maybe it'd go away or it'll present more signs. Well the past two days have been nonstop signs everywhere.

    When I was reading The Alchemist, when Paulo Coehlo wrote about the universe:

    "When you want something, all of the Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

    I sound loony again, but I months and months of "signs" I'm starting to TRULY believe the universe is trying to help me.

    I'll probably blog about all of the significant signs later on just because two or so years down the road I'll wanna know what these signs are.

    I'm not lucky, I am blessed.
    Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

    Carbon copy

    I know a lot of my friends get annoyed when someone else "copies" them. Whether it be a electronics, clothes, hairstyles, etc...they (and I'll admit I did too) get irritated when someone is trying to a duplicate of them in one way or another.

    How I see it is how do you know if someone is trying to "imitate" you? I read this from a good girl friend's twitter once something along the lines of "things are mass produced for a reason so many people can purchase it"--who are we to point fingers and say this or that person is copying us? What if they saw it on a model posing in a magazine ad? Or they saw it online somewhere?

    Besides, even if a person really was trying to imitate things about you, just take it as a form of flattery. You're being looked up to. You must be doing something right for someone to want to be you. Haha that kind of came out conceited as hell, but you all know what I mean. Just be flattered.
    Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

    Monday, March 14, 2011

    Unhappy People

    I almost feel sorry for unhappy people. When someone is unhappy, you can really see and hear it. Everything that comes out of their mouth is negative, and most of the time they like to drag others with them (seeking sympathy from others, finding anything and everything negative to talk about others, etc)

    I almost feel sorry for unhappy people because they tend to find temporary happiness in others, material things, food, alcohol, etc. But like I said they're all temporary happiness that'll ware off as soon as the buzz does.

    I almost feel sorry for unhappy because they care all too much about how they look, what they have, how much they have, and what others think about them. When in reality, none of that matters.

    I almost feel sorry for unhappy people, but don't. Because everything they need to be happy is right there, but they refuse to see it, feel it, and take it.

    People are good at hiding things. I see people smile and laugh all the time, but you're not fooling me. They're easy to spot. Look for the ones gossiping or talking about other people's lives. Look for the ones who keep buying material things. Look for the ones who always want to drink alcohol (Never drink to feel better, only drink to feel EVEN better).

    I know these people. I read their tweets on Twitter, I hear them talking, I see them fake the funk...but all I can do is hope they free themselves from their own misery and find it within them to finally put a genuine smile on.
    Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

    Saturday, March 12, 2011

    Living Legend - Another Day

    75% of the music I listen to are because of the good lyrics.
    20% are because of the beat.
    5% are if they're respectable or not (can perform live, etc).
    Anyways, here's a song I really like:

    Y’feel that?
    That’s right,
    Sometimes it’s better just to…tell you like it is in a song

    [Verse 1]
    I waited long to tell you like it is,
    No shame in how we feel, it’s the nature of this biz
    We hide the way we feel, then we cover it for real,
    Forreal, love’s a deal we conceal, then we deal

    On them finer points of life together,
    Rainy weather was never a better reason to sever what we would celebrate
    Celebrate life with her,
    Is she your best friend? Tell her what it’s like with her
    Baby, it’s a blur and a whirlwind, more than a girlfriend,
    Girl, this is urgent, forever I was searching, but you was just perfect (perfect)
    Never no more groupies on tour, I gotta keep it yours
    ‘Cause girl, you so clever and pure,
    That’s from the souls of men who know the worth of roses on this earth
    Kiss a trail down the back of your neck,
    Remove the shirt, put the tongue to your inner thigh,
    Watch you get high,
    I’ma underline a purse, discovering what it’s worth
    For us to make it work, we both gotta convert to trust to make it first
    Baby, I’m a jerk but a cool one, maybe I’m a fool; run,
    Hop in the arms of this man full of charm,
    And my karma is strong, but I wanna right wrongs,
    So I gotta write songs…turning you on

    So if you ever doubt that it’s for real,
    Just know that I respect all that we’ve built,
    I know I don’t tell you how I feel, but this is how I feel,
    And I wanna know,
    Baby if we gon’ get through the rain,
    And if we gon’ work for another day,
    I know it always ends up all the same,
    But let’s make a change, for another day

    [Verse 2]
    Dedication, to you and your patience,
    For real, it’s amazing, I need to quit playing,
    I could lose what I got on the fools that don’t know my gov’ name
    Life in the fast lane, time to pump these breaks, man
    Get this love straight
    Be committed and fitted against my soul mate,
    Now that I’m whole, wait…that’s a dumb route
    Rolling dice for some tits and the ass out,
    Bounce on ‘em, bounce, when I’m out, I’ma shout
    I’m about my business, making it better, loving a veteran
    Never concealing evidence, sending it with the settlement,
    Baby ‘cause you was heaven sent
    Yup, it’s a lesson to you fellas, so listen, Lucky is telling you,
    Respect the lady holding you down, it’s unforgettable,

    It’s unforgettable, it’s so incredible, it’s unforgettable


    We’ve been talking ‘bout tomorrow, and it’s all the same
    Now it’s time to move the things that’s standing in our way
    We can work to keep it going for another day,
    Another day
    (Now bring it back)

    Friday, March 11, 2011

    Takes Two To Tango

    On one of my older posts, I wrote about how I was a careless person, but I didn’t mean to make it seem like I was a person that didn’t take time to put in effort with my friendships because I do. I take all of my friendships seriously because I believe they are investments, lifelong investments. Whether or not they actually turn out that way is entirely up to both parties. Just like two people who truly deeply love each other, I believe that a friendship can last a lifetime as long as both people are committed enough and are willing to work through anything and everything that is thrown at them.

    We all have encountered thousands, if not millions every day since the day we were born up until this very moment. Hundreds we have gotten to know past their names and there are only a select we’ve gotten to know past their barriers (and vice versa).

    And then life happens. I can name off every single person I’ve gotten to know on a much deeper level than just partying, dancing, and drinking. I can also name off all of the things I loved about them, and why our friendship didn’t work. But they all end the same way: both people just stopped caring.

    I used to be this person who likes to hold on to all of my friends because it’s so much easier to hold onto what we’re comfortable with then start over with someone new. This ‘friend’ of ours has already broken down pieces of our barrier and gotten to know us on a level that many don’t take the time to recognize. It’s amazing how I spent every day talking, eating, seeing, laughing with people, and now I rarely even notice them anymore. They have gone from people I knew the names of, people who consumed so much of my time, to people who don’t even cross my mind.

    It’s inevitable though, people come and go. Whether their departing was because of a dispute, a break of trust, lack of communication, or death: life happens. Sometimes you grow tired of chasing people and trying to make things right. I don’t see it as giving up; I just see it as letting go because I’m tired of fighting for people who don’t fight for me. But I haven’t let the loss of people in my life deter me away from getting close to others.

    “Nothing about me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known.” –Chuck Palahniuk

    Yes, it can be scary allowing someone new in to get to know you, but I believe that everyone has something to teach you. It’s also a big ass world out there and it’s easy to get lonely without a friend by your side. A friend who you can call at 3 in the morning because you’re scared or someone who’ll wipe away your first tears shed in years. This is all coming from someone who doesn’t like to ask for help or show a single sign of vulnerability: life will get lonely; we all need someone to laugh and smile with.

    And with everyone I’ve come to know and have lost touch with, there is no denying that there are a handful of people who are there for me no matter who I’ve grown to be in the past 8+ years (I say 8+ b/c some I’ve known my whole life and others have joined our journey along the way) we’ve gotten to know each other. We weren’t always as close as we were when we all first started shenanigans together, but through experience they remind me of my family. Like my parents, no matter what kind of shit I get myself into, or mistakes I have made, they are there for me.

    I’ve realized that you can’t force people to stay in your life. Staying is a choice, and even after all of the stupid shit I do or say, and getting to know how truly weird I am, I’m very grateful for the ones who do choose to stay. I feel like I should be naming off names, but they don’t need recognition, they already know who they are. I just wanted to let you guys know that when I’m thinking about who my very first friends were when I was a little girl; you guys are the ones that come to my mind.

    So to the Anonymous person, you see it’s not that I treat all of my friends or relationships I have with them as something that’s replaceable. There just comes a certain point in the friendship where you know whether to keep hanging on or to let go. And once you realize it’s time to close the door, another one opens.

    Thursday, March 10, 2011

    Lets do this

    I'm rereading past posts from the beginning until now. It's nice seeing that a lot of things have stayed the same, but then I have also grown up a lot also. Another reason why I love documenting things, you can see with your own very eyes how you've changed and remained the same over the years.

    I just came upon that post. Um, so I finally had the balls to do both: quit work and school (but I am going back in the Fall...well so far as planned), so it's time for me to travel the world?

    I was having lunch with my sister yesterday and she blatantly asked me "Why don't you just leave the country, you could do it so why not?"

    Because from what I have learned from being in St. Louis and L.A. the place is only as good as the people in it (meaning I want my family and friends with me!). But now that she brought my attention to the idea, I'm seriously considering it.

    Tuesday, March 8, 2011

    Lent 2011

    It's that time of the year again, the one time where every Catholic person (if you haven't already notice I mention God quite a bit and yes I'm Roman Catholic) gives up something for 40 days and 40 nights to commemorate the time Jesus was in the desert before he headed to Jerusalem. It starts the day after Fat Tuesday (Ash Wednesday) and goes on until Easter Sunday. Including the thing(s) you give up for lent, every Friday is meatless.

    In previous years I've given up soda pop, fast food, fried food, Facebook, and swearing (that I can remember). This year it'll be going out with the exception of family outings and friends' birthdays (which the only one I can think of off the top of my head is April 2 for one of my oldest friend's birthday). I hope all of my friends respect my decision and understand why I decided to give that up.

    To everyone who's Catholic, I hope you all found something(s) to give up that isn't too easy, but won't have you pulling your hair over. Good luck to all of you and see most of you on April 1 or 2 (depending on when he wants to celebrate his birthday) or after Easter. ^__^

    Monday, March 7, 2011

    Hello new readers,

    I happened to retweet a blog post I wrote about a couple months ago on why I try not to judge people yesterday, and a friend who's following me on Twitter happened to read it and like it so much that so told me she was going to link it on her Facebook. We have plenty of mutual friends and since I haven't been on Facebook for quite a while I don't know who's clicking on the link or commenting. But I have been getting quite a few texts from people asking me where I've been, how I've been, and why I'm not on Facebook anymore. I guess reading the blog post and seeing that it came from Tamzilla, it reminded them that I'm alive.

    Yes, I'm alive and I'm doing quite well thanks.
    I linked this to my Twitter back in October when I first deactivated my Facebook. So here you go new readers (and current ones), this will explain to you why I decided to get off and stay off:

    My dad bought me my first diary when I was a young girl,
    and ever since then I've always kept diaries and journals of my thoughts and feelings.
    But since the days I've learned that typing out my thoughts and feelings
    is a lot easier and less straining on my hands.
    When I first started this blog, it was private.
    A place where I could let everything out without the feeling of being needy
    (like calling a close friend to tell them everything).
    Then, I started sharing my blog with a few close friends
    and I eventually decided to make it public by linking it to my twitter account.
    Although some days I do wish I would have kept this thing private or at least sharing it exclusively (because honestly it's a lot easier to not hold back if I know no one is reading this),
    I don't mind it, as long as you keep reading this anonymously.
    That way, I won't have to relocate to a new blog to keep myself from holding back when I'm writing on here.

    Go as far back and read as much as you would like.
    Excuse my poor grammar and spelling.
    And enjoy this song:

    I've been listening to this all day.

    Sunday, March 6, 2011

    First of the March Birthdays

    If you've been following my blog then you'll know that I've been going through a transition. I started drinking at a really young age (13). And after last year’s one and a half months of binge drinking, and last summer’s bad decisions it was kind of inevitable to start feeling the way I do now. It’s indescribable but friends have seen the transition since the end of summer. I have gone from Tamzilla to old grandma.

    Since summer ended I’ve been talking a lot about not going out so much but I never put any real actions towards the claims. But ever since the New Year hit, I haven’t been doing much but spending lots of time with my family and hanging out with some friends. It’s been a good month since I’ve last partied and drank and everyone got to see Tamzilla again last night.

    I must admit though, I was really hesitating to come out last night but I’m glad I did. I don’t like missing out on birthdays and he’s one of the guys I grew up with. Happy 22nd Birthday Johnny Ngo!

    Onto the best part, pictures (end of the night first b/c I'm not used to how Blogger uploads the pics yet):

    proof of how wasted everyone is. In the background you see everyone all tired

    Jane gone

    Birthday Boy sandwich

    get married already!

    theo and kathy

    linda, richie, pattie, beta

    richard advertising for Target brand water. Fanyan, Johnny, and Brian

    Nhi gone

    Timmy gone

    I think we only finished 5 out of the 8 (or 9) bottles we had

    LOLLL no idea what was going on

    Obama, Emmy, and I

    Marshall and Vince

    The Volcano

    Vince and Johnny

    Johnny proposed to Brian (one of the funnier moments of the night)

    Obama enjoying her burrito

    Louis and Booty

    Richard, Dusty, Brian, Beta

    It's not a real birthday until the birthday boy gets caked

    Jane, Obama, Pattie, and I

    Arthur, Obama, and I

    the ladies



    the lover birds

    some of the guys

    some of the girls

    the first bottle of the night

    Thanks everyone for last night's memories (also memories the past 8 or 9 years of my life) and this morning's headache, but after last night I'm back to being a grandma...until the next birthday.

    This song is for last night. Because I don't remember much after the volcano.

    Saturday, March 5, 2011

    A day in life of a schizophrenic.

    I just wanted to post this to show you how some schizophrenics think and feel
    I may not understand completely, but at least I understand a little more than I did before watching this video.

    Friday, March 4, 2011

    Repeat please!

    Here are a few songs I've been listening to over and over:

    Ellie Goulding's album hasn't dropped yet, but you get to stream it for free on youtube. Yes, the entire album. It's pretty good too. Before the album I've listened to Under The Sheets, Lights, Your Song (my favorite), and Starry Eyed from her. She's also coming to the Fine Line Cafe in Minneapolis March 30th. Hoping to go and support her. Hope you guys enjoy her album just as much as I do.

    Here's more to the music I listen to daily: *click

    Do I need another reason?!

    If you didn't already know it, I love Australia. I could list off hundreds of reasons why I love the place although I've never even stepped foot on the country and continent. But this (click) makes me love the place even more.

    The first ever video game bar. Simple concept, but why did it take someone so long to finally open one?! Anyone with a boat load of money and some extra time get on this idea pronto for the United States!

    Thursday, March 3, 2011

    Like I care

    It's so like me to already have put a crack on the corner of my not even a month old laptop.

    Between my siblings and I, I am known for being the careless one.

    One time, my dad dropped my brother and I off at the mall to get new shoes for school. While trying on shoes at Footlocker, I left my Coach purse on the bench unattended and had $300 that my parents gave me to buy myself and my brother shoes stolen right out of my purse. Not the purse, just the cash.

    I started wearing purses ever since I was a pre teen. And I never took care of any of them (even to this day, but I am proud to say I have grown out of my materialistic ways). I still have my old Coach, Dooney and Bourke, Prada, Gucci purses underneath my bed and they're all ruined with stains, torn fabric, busted up straps, broken zippers, etc to show for my negligent ways.

    Before I even passed my license test, for two weeks my dad drove me around different dealerships so I could choose a car of my own. A month before my road test, I settled on a (lame and never should've picked, but still grateful) brand new '06 Scion tC. It only took me a day after passing my driver's test (first try baby!) to already put a scratch on my rims, and backed up into another car. Which unexpectedly didn't put a scratch on the other person's car, but did put a huge dent on mine. And now with my most recent car, the X5...let's not list everything but just say everything is wrong and I have no one to blame but myself.

    Laptops, purses, cars, BlackBerries, clothes, cameras, shoes, you name it and I could tell you a thousand different "One time" stories even ones with my life at stake. But besides the last thing mentioned. They're all things that are replaceable.

    I don't care for many things because of that known fact. They're all just material things that money will replace. Even friendships that have gone sour I don't tend to try and mend things because they're not worth mending. Again, replaceable. Brutal, but it's the truth.

    As careless as I am, I know what things and relationships I should be protecting and nurturing.
    Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

    Wednesday, March 2, 2011

    For me

    The past couple of months have been ridiculously insane. Everything I've been reading, watching, seeing, listening to, etc have been trying to send me these crazy messages. They're all the same, but in different ways. Maybe I'm just seeing things that all ties into something because I'm forcing myself to, but I'm pretty sure I'm not.

    It's about time I stop shrugging these "signs" off and start doing something about it.

    Call me whatever you like, but I truly do believe it's some sort of calling.
    Yes, it all sounds silly.
    Whether or not everything are signs
    To me they all are.

    I have become quite the coffee and tea addict. More things to feed into my insomnia, just great.

    Tuesday, March 1, 2011

    Get with it OR get lost

    I know I'm the one who's dating the person (hypothetically speaking) and I shouldn't worry about what others think or feel because they're not dating him. But if the guy for any reason couldn't get along w/any of my family members or if he didn't make an attempt to get to know em. It'd be "Au Revoir! On to the next one."
    Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile