Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
There’s so much that I want to blog about! Where to begin?
Well lately I’ve definitely felt homeless. I haven’t been home for awhile. Drinking everyday for a week and sleeping over at friends’ houses. My tolerance is pretty high right now; I could probably drink a bottle of Hennessy by myself and still feel fine. But the past few days I can definitely start to feel the effect of drinking everyday for a month. I can drink 10+ shots and feel sober, but then the next day when I wake up everything from the night before is a blur. It’s scary when you don’t remember things and I’ve always remembered everything that happens when I drink. So I’m resigning as a drinking buddy for my friend and I’m going to let my mind and my liver rest up before Chicago this weekend.
I’m going skydiving this Friday with a few friends and I’m super excited. Kicking off the birthday weekend to a right start! Oh and star party this Thursday!
People have always told me that I’m too crazy when I’m single and I’d have to agree with them. I am. I got myself into a bunch of crazy drama over the weekend. Got a black eye, and more haters. Thinking back about the whole thing, no I didn’t deserve to get jumped like that, and where were my “friends”? I feel like I don’t have any real ones. A lot of them are there when the bottles are poppin’ and things are dandy but when it comes down to it, none of them are willing to sit next to you in a jail cell. I am willing to do that for all of my friends, but I guess I shouldn’t hate a person for not having the same set of values as me right?
People don’t know the situation so don’t sit there and say that I deserved it, or that it was karma, or that I’m better than this. Fuck you. You have no right to sit there and judge and tell me this and that. Are you in my fucking shoes? No, so do yourself a favor and shut the fuck up.
I don’t even care that I got beat up, or that I got a black eye. There are only two things I’m pissed off about from this happening: 1)That I didn’t get to touch the girl and that she wasn’t even the one who gave me the black eye. That some girls I don’t even know got to touch me. 2)No one was down for me like how they always talk like they are. It just makes me look bad like I have no real friends.
Right now, at this instant, all I want to do for the next couple of years is finish school and travel. I already know who I am as a person so I don’t need to find myself, but I feel like I should make my dreams happen before I can help someone else make their dream happen. I want to try and take each day as it comes and relax. I’m not searching for a replacement, but if one comes my way and I happen to really really like him then sure, but I think right now I’m young, I have the money to do what I want, I have the time why not just go do myself. So that’s what I’ll do. Trying to live life on the slow lane.
All I want is Thinh to be happy. Would you get back with a person to take the pain away? I see that without me in his life, he’s suffering, in pain, and miserable. I have little to no feelings for him, just because I’ve already accepted that we just aren’t meant for each other, but he believes the opposite, a little too late. It’s just hard thinking about all of the memories and time that we have together. 5 ½ years is a long time. We pretty much grew up together, went through all major life changing events together, and we went through hell and got back up to what I thought was heaven together. It scares me thinking about doing the same with a different person. Dating isn’t my thing. I hate thinking about learning to trust another person, uncovering another person’s personality, meeting the family and friends, etc. It just scares me. I’m a person who likes to be comfortable, and it scares me to know that I may just settle and get back with Thinh because of time, not because of feelings. I’m good at forcing feelings upon myself too, tricking myself into thinking I have feelings for a person when all it is nothing. Who knows maybe it’s the other way around right now, tricking myself into thinking I have no feelings for him.