Guilt

I dwell (although I try reallyyyy hard not to because I KNOW it's a waste of time but can't help myself) on my past actions and wish I could have done things differently. When I know I can't, I'm filled with guilt. Well, that's what my therapist says, and we've yet to tackle the problem.

I hate it when my family and friends give me a pass on terrible shit I've done simply bc "Oh, it's just Tammy."

Oh, it's just Tammy because I'll never learn.

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•my husband
•my mom
•my Tiffany
•my dave
•my dad
•my soon to be brother in law
•my emmy
•my amanda
•my Oanh
•my jane
•my trina
•my Yates'
•my two functioning legs
•the fact that I'm currently in LA waiting to board a plane to Hawaii with my husband

Obviously one could go on and on about the things they're grateful for but that and they are the ones that came to mind in the first 30 seconds.

***

After my interactions with family and friends I think A LOT about my actions. Like how I don't nearly make enough effort to find out what's going on in their lives. Or how I somehow make every topic about me. Yup, I'm THAT person. I hope it's a recently developed bad habit, and if it's not then boy do I not deserve my core group. Not that I do anyway, they're seriously the best girls anyone could ask for in life.

So there are a few things I'm going to work on and hopefully I'll be a better me by the time I'm 30.

I believe that's why I have anxiety when I'm in a social setting. It's like I don't know how to act or talk or think around anyone anymore. Starting and carrying a conversation used to be so easy and it should be with family and friends, but I've noticed I freeze up at times and then I just answer questions that are asked and that's that.

***

Off topic, but I finally have an answer to the question "what is your hobby?"

***
I know I haven't shown much excitement for our trip to Hawaii and that's because I've always envisioned a much more exotic place for our honeymoon. However, I remind myself that we're currently a household of two with just one income, and there are people out there that can't afford simple necessities so I'm out in my place and I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I've found a man who's beyond my dreams and he actually wants to spend the rest of his life with a loser like me!

Really excited to make more memories with D.

***
It's funny because I know...I realize how blessed I truly am...but I keep taking everything and everyone for granted.

WHYYYYYYYYY







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Just a burden.

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Light

It's the very first breath 
When your head's been drowning underwater

*****

I know keeping up with current events definitely isn't helping me. I often question my purpose after I read or watch the shit that goes on in this world. I often question "Why them and not me?" I often think we're the real suckers, we're all the ones stuck in hell..living in this terrible world. I often think to myself "How could I ever bring my child into this world full of hate?"

I have many questions that the man above hasn't answered, but I need to remind myself that I'm still here for a reason. I don't need to know the purpose now, but soon enough I will.

I just have to trust in him.
I just have to trust in myself to see the light in the darkest of times.
I just have to trust in my husband to support my decision.
I just have to trust in my family and friends to help me see this through.

You're the reason I believe in life.

*****

I'm a planner. It's amazing yet scary at the same time the things I'm capable of planning and seeing through.

I've thought of this for quite some time now. Up until now, I've trusted myself to not take action on it, but I haven't been so sure of myself lately.

It'd be so easy, so easy to make this all go away; it'd be so easy to make their pain go away.

*****

I was so stupid to have ever believed that everyone would be happy if they'd just decide to be. Not everyone is that blessed to get to choose how they feel.

******

Right now, I'm feeling passionate about:

• educating young adults about mental illness
• because it all starts with making sure the future of our world can identify symptoms, be comfortable to seek professional assistance, and will hopefully end the stigma

Right now, I'm feeling passionate about:

• sharing my personal experience with MDD
• because I want to educate others that there isn't one single path and that mental illness doesn't have a path it follows; it goes and does whatever it please so it comes in all shapes and sizes (some more severe than others)
• and also because I want to contribute to ending the stigma

Signs

I never saw it coming until it was too late. Here are nine signs to look out for:

1. Changes in sleep
2. Mood swings
3. No longer engaging in hobbies
4. Crying constantly
5. Recurrent Worries That Aren't Relative To Your Life
6. Chronic muscle tightness
7. Poor digestion issues
8. Guilt and self loathing
9. Talking to yourself

Source: http://bit.ly/2vu2ieu

"tammy! I think dave is having a seizure!"

Seizure; I'm pretty sure I didn't grasp what he was saying to me because I told him to get D. And he turned his back and ran over to him.

The man above has thrown my family into some really unbearable situations the past two months. Starting with D's father being diagnosed out of nowhere with glioblastoma and then my youngest sibling having a seizure at my wedding reception.

I hate to say this but it's almost bittersweet. Both times were unexpected, however, both times my family has come out on top and stronger than ever.

I was beginning to think life was TOO long for me and that i couldn't bear living in this horrible world for so long, but after recent family events I couldn't be anymore wrong. Life is not too long, life is too short.

Life is too short to be spending your days worrying about tomorrow because it truly isn't promised. You'll never know if those mean words you uttered to a loved one when you were angry with them for something petty will be the last words you'll ever get to say to them. Let's not have any regrets.

I'm going to think long and hard about how I spend my time going forward. I'm also going to think long and hard about the people I want to spend time with; make your time worth it.

I've never cried so much in two months before over the fear of losing a loved one. And somehow the man above teased my family with the THOUGHT of losing two loved ones.

Death is too real, but so is this life I've been given. I must be blessed with this time for something right? I must have a purpose here.

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"It was a great day! Stop focusing on the negatives, it's all done and over with."

I've noticed that I dwell on things longer than I have in the past. What kills me is that I KNOW I SHOULDNT DWELL but I do it anyways because I CANT CONTROL IT.

The mind is such a powerful thing. Your brain is such a complex organ.

• I wished I spent more time talking to my friends and family (especially those that traveled far to be a part of our celebration)
• I wished I spent more time getting to know D's parents' friends that traveled in from out of state
• I wished I had better control over the seating arrangement; my cousin's mom (she's like an aunt to me but isn't officially apart of the family) had a seat with actual guests but was stuck sitting with vendors bc the list with the seating chart got messed up
• I wished I didn't spend so much on my wedding dress; I would've been happy with something from F21 or Lulu's for 90% less
• I wished I thought through the details more; seating chart, a menu was missing, how the desserts were displayed and when, probably wouldn't have done the chair covers, probably would not buy as many kegs and put more money toward liquor, enforce the no shot rule,
• I wished we spent more time with each table when we went around the tables
• i wished we got a viet dj to do it all; play viet songs for the OGs and the rest for everyone else
• I wished we had signs to direct guests to: the photo booth, late night snacks, coffee & tea, desserts
• i wished we did a rehearsal for the ceremony with the wedding party, ushers, family, and officiant
• I wished didn't drink as much so I could have done 90% of the things listed above so I wouldn't beat myself up over it now

...but it's just who I am now. My mind messes with me and I'm paralyzed.


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It's better to feel pain than nothing at all.

Tamzilla

I have some issues with my past self, but she was young and I need to learn to forgive her.

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Do you know how hard it is to not cry when two grown, strong men are crying?

The past three days feels so so surreal. I still remember answering a call from Danny Thursday. It was a little after Noon, he asked if I knew my Delta Skymiles number. I got kind of excited thinking D was trying to surprise me with a trip.

It was a surprise, however, not the kind that get butterflies going in your tummy. I could hear Danny breaking down and abruptly say he'll call when he's on the way home. I immediately call his mom.

Gramps is D's 94 year old grandfather and time has really taken a toll on his body the past seven months. When Sue and I spoke, we referred to the person as "he," "him," and "his" so I assumed it was Gramps. I immediately broke down crying alone in our room. The bedroom window was cracked and my neighbor is retired, I'm sure she thought I was strange.

It wasn't until D got home 20 minutes later when I found out it was his dad. I yelled out while scrambling around the house trying to pack my suitcase, "your mom just texted. Gramps is getting the MRI right now." And he said, "It's my dad." And started to cry.

In the six years we've been together I've never seen D cry before. He's always been the strongest and smartest person I know (still is). He's truly a unicorn.

How do I console my best friend when my best friend has always been the person that consoles me?

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.

I've NEVER seen danny shed a tear until today. He's always been strong for me through everything but now I don't even know how to be strong for him

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How I've been feeling to a T

http://bit.ly/2sQvJWZ

Just trying to make sense of it all

A study found that men who tested high in emotional intelligence were more stressed out than lower-scoring peers during a difficult interaction, and took longer to recover from the stress. Another found that emotionally perceptive people tend to be more susceptible to depression, hopelessness and suicidal ideation.

Source: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/301217495_Predicting_Stress_From_the_Ability_to_Eavesdrop_on_Feelings_Emotional_Intelligence_and_Testosterone_Jointly_Predict_Cortisol_Reactivity

I'm unsure about a lot in my life right now, however, there's one thing I'm 110% certain about: meeting Danny has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

I'm ready to put him, us, and our future before myself. Because at the end of the day if he's not happy, I won't be.

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I hear you, but do YOU hear you?

"We're gonna have to work on guilt together."

*****

"You definitely seem happier than the last time I saw you, and it's not just the crying. I know you'll get better. [This] ...could be a temporary thing like only six months or so."

*****

"Some people just have the strength of character to get through things that others don't."

*****

"...you...have to look at the bigger picture and realize will this actually matter?"

SI

"Denies SI at this time." 

Verbatim from my doctor's note.

Truth is, I've thought about it. More than I probably should, but I can't admit it to anyone because then they'll intervene and send you somewhere for who knows how long.

Next week I'm going to start seeing my shrink bi weekly. At the end of my first visit, she said "Oh yeah, everything you share with me is completely confidential. Unless it's thoughts of harming yourself or others. I have to share that with others."

Driving makes it so easy to make it look like an "accident."

It's 70 out, the sun is shining, I have wonderful family, friends, and the best life partner ever and I can't help but still feel so sad.

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The Process of Elimination

I really believed that it, that this was seasonal affective disorder x100, however, my random emotional outbursts and feeling of disconnect is telling me otherwise.

The first question my physician always ask me when I see her is "has anything changed recently?" -Yes! Of course things changed, life happens all the time right? Taking it back to November, besides the seasons changing I was promoted only a few months prior to my first doctor's visit, the election happened and well, let's just say I've been making an ongoing case with Danny for moving to Canada, the man of my dreams asked me to spend the rest of our lives together, wedding planning, celebrating friends' life events, etc.

Let me clear the air, Danny and planning our wedding hasn't been a trigger. He's been nothing but supportive. He's not perfect and just like how I am, he's also trying to make sense of it all. There are things he says that comes across as tone deaf, but I can't blame him. He's never experienced me like this before.

If it's not Danny and it's not the stress of planning for our big celebration, then it leaves my new role and President Obama's successor as the culprits.

Now before you laugh, I admitted to my physician that the outcome of the election may have played a part in why I was feeling the way I was, and she said that others too have said the same. Being the first generation of immigrant parents, it hurts when the person that's supposed to lead the country tries to make it difficult for other immigrants to emigrate here. 38 years ago my parents left Vietnam in search of something better. They gave up everything just so that their future children could have something, and I'll never be able to repay them for that.

President Obama helped our country take five steps forward, and it feels like his successor is making our country take twenty steps back. Damn right I'm hurt.

Typically, it doesn't take a whole lot for me to be motivated in my professional life. I just strive to do better than I did the day before and it's paid off; the past four years with T I've received a bi-annual raise. But these days haven't been typical. I'm currently an uneducated, undetermined, selfish millennial. My heart races at 2 in the morning thinking about what it'd be like on my first day back in the office. The fucking questions. It's a grave I've dug for myself, and I'm too weak to face it head on, so, I keep thinking about laying in the grave I've created. It's insane the amount of disregard I have knowing that our wedding is less than 150 days away, and the plans Danny and I have made for our near future. Besides the outcome of the election, this job has been a constant in my extreme discontent with life. Paranoia, the feeling of never being enough, the pressure...one can only take on those feelings for so long before you start sinking, before one starts drowning.

I'm having trouble trying to process it all. The company I once loved and stuck up for, I now no longer believe our values align. Even my visits to the retailer have decreased. And now I'm stuck between exercising my rights or burning the bridge.

For the record, I'm really great at burning bridges.

Random Thoughts

Spent the past 30 minutes signing up for an account through my health insurance provider to try and locate a shrink; they couldn't make it any harder on us to find one.

*****
I'm pathetic, I've turned to a TED Talk about depression. I only want to learn more about what's happening to my mind. You too, can try to understand:



Thank you, Andrew Solomon for helping me make sense of it all.

*****
I'm afraid of...

damaging my relationship
being on medication
the questions I'll get when they see me return
people will see me in a different light
becoming more and more withdrawn

*****
The thought of tomorrow can make you feel like anything is possible.

The Wonder of You

I tell him everyday, three words: you're the best. However, I don't think he truly understands the depth of those words.

Our life together started six years ago, but I cannot wait to celebrate our love with our loved ones. It'll be a damn party.

I don't understand what I've done in life to be blessed with you, but I ain't letting you go.

When I was younger, I made a list of qualities I want the man of my dreams to have and he crosses every single one of them off the list. Bonus, he's added qualities I didn't know I wanted to the list.

You're the man of my dreams.

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{Mental} Instability

Caps aka dad hats, if I'm not in the office then I'm definitely sporting one. One of the reasons why I choose to wear one is because I never know when something will set me off and cause me to cry uncontrollably. Kinda like right now, sitting in the basement of this coffee shop. Tears flowing down my cheeks, and I have no idea why. I definitely can't stop it either. I feel bad for those around me, if they notice.

Perception, it's the hot word that always get thrown around the office. Don't do this they say, because you don't wanna be perceived a certain way. Do this they say because it'll make senior managers perceive you a certain way. A part of me wants to obey, but deep deep down I want to throw my hands up and do things my way.

There was a time when I gave a fuck about what others thought of me. A long time ago. That was when every decision, every choice, every thought I ever had was to try and please everyone around me. Everyone, but myself. How do you think one would feel when everything she ever thought of and did was so that everyone around her could see her in a certain light?

Today, D asked me to call my primary provider to put me on meds. "Just a light dose." -D

I'm not sure how I feel about being on meds, but I am certain that I don't want my instability to hurt our relationship. D has been nothing but supportive in every way possible. It's been six years and I still feel oh so blessed. I truly don't deserve him, but I'm so blessed that he's by my side.

If you think about it though, I don't deserve any one that's in my life. From my parents, siblings, D, to my girlfriends who have all grown to be like my sisters. I don't deserve any of them, but somehow they're here and I'm fighting every single day to keep them.

I could definitely put more effort into staying in touch with my in-laws.

The tears continue. I'm a freak.

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can’t escape the gravity