Thursday, March 30, 2017

{Mental} Instability

Caps aka dad hats, if I'm not in the office then I'm definitely sporting one. One of the reasons why I choose to wear one is because I never know when something will set me off and cause me to cry uncontrollably. Kinda like right now, sitting in the basement of this coffee shop. Tears flowing down my cheeks, and I have no idea why. I definitely can't stop it either. I feel bad for those around me, if they notice.

Perception, it's the hot word that always get thrown around the office. Don't do this they say, because you don't wanna be perceived a certain way. Do this they say because it'll make senior managers perceive you a certain way. A part of me wants to obey, but deep deep down I want to throw my hands up and do things my way.

There was a time when I gave a fuck about what others thought of me. A long time ago. That was when every decision, every choice, every thought I ever had was to try and please everyone around me. Everyone, but myself. How do you think one would feel when everything she ever thought of and did was so that everyone around her could see her in a certain light?

Today, D asked me to call my primary provider to put me on meds. "Just a light dose." -D

I'm not sure how I feel about being on meds, but I am certain that I don't want my instability to hurt our relationship. D has been nothing but supportive in every way possible. It's been six years and I still feel oh so blessed. I truly don't deserve him, but I'm so blessed that he's by my side.

If you think about it though, I don't deserve any one that's in my life. From my parents, siblings, D, to my girlfriends who have all grown to be like my sisters. I don't deserve any of them, but somehow they're here and I'm fighting every single day to keep them.

I could definitely put more effort into staying in touch with my in-laws.

The tears continue. I'm a freak.

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can’t escape the gravity