Thursday, June 28, 2018

Roller.Coaster.

As much as I love you baby girl, carrying you has been mentally exhausting at times.

I started my weekly ultrasound and OB appointments at 32 weeks, I'm currently 34 weeks and will be 35 on Sunday. 32 weeks I was given the beautiful news that baby girl passed her breathing test 8/8! But of course the good news was also accompanied by some "bad" news: baby girl was (currently still is) in a breech position.

My OB was out that day, so I scheduled my appt with her colleague which was fine because there was a 99% chance that she wouldn't be the one to deliver baby girl, so, it was nice getting to meet another OB who may. Anyways, her colleague went over my options as and discussed rates of success and risks for each.

At the end of the day, danny and I decided that if baby girl was still breech by 36 weeks, a planned c section was the option we'd go with.

I have weekly appointments scheduled up until my 39th week and I keep going back and forth between the two delivery methods.

Things I've been googling recently:
C section vs vaginal births
Breech baby
Breech baby ECV
What to expect c section
Breech baby Health

Etc, etc. I like going down the rabbit hole you see.

Last week when I left my appointment, I thought of birth complications that could take me away from Danny, baby girl, and this world. I know baby girl would be in good hands bc Danny without a doubt will be an amazing father, but I couldn't help but feel...let's just say I bawled my eyes out driving home from my appointment. And I'm bawling now.

The emotions I've felt during this pregnancy...the nonstop rollercoaster of emotions, some days I'm not so sure if I could put myself through this again. But to give baby girl a sibling and Danny a second child I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Praying for a healthy baby.
Praying that I'll continue to be healthy post delivery.
I know our family has a few guardian angels watching over us.

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, June 16, 2018

Why is it that we tend to remember the things someone we care about didn't do for us vs all the times they've made a moment extra special?

Oh, the human mind.

I hope you're able to recall all of the beautiful times we've had together vs dwell on the times I wasn't able to create memories with you.

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, June 8, 2018

Mental illness and my role in the world

Close friends and family know I've been diagnosed with depression, but maybe I need to be more open about dealing with my mental illness.

My younger brother deals with many issues with mental illness other than just depression, and I've made it a priority of mine over the past six months to not only take him to his psychiatrist appointments, but also be included in them (he's comfortable with me in the sessions). It's opened my eyes to the things his mind deals with daily and I believe I've helped him be a little more honest not only with his doctor but also with himself as well.

I write this now because right now, there are more resources out there more than there ever has been (I'm still upset with the closure of a suicidal prevention line closing in St Paul, MN last year) but many people aren't using them. Maybe it's because people don't realize they're dealing with a mental illness of their own, or they're too ashamed to admit it, or they simply just don't know where to start. And I've experienced all three.

So today, after waking up to the news of Anthony Bourdain's passing due to suicide, I'm asking myself what role do I want to play in this world? I've always struggled with jobs and the lack of passion I had for the ones I held, why not turn my passion into a job or even a career?

Things I'm passionate about:
Food
Working out (pre pregnancy)
Racial inequality and injustices
Gun control
Climate change
Women's rights
Mental health issues

They're not listed in any order and that's just a compilation of the things I could think of off the top of my head.

What role can I play in making those things more visible besides a few tweets and retweets here and there?

I never want the conversation about mental illness to end, ever. It's been more prevalent the past two days because two very public figures passed, but that's the problem. Why are we only talking about it because of the two public figures? Why not talk about it all the dang time for others who aren't as famous.

The more we understand, the more we can do.

A lightbulb went off and I think I'm ready

Sent from my iPhone