Friday, December 31, 2010
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
They say the past is the past and when you’re moving forward you shouldn’t look back, but sometimes you gotta do just that, look back and ask yourself where you’ve been to realize where you are.
People can offer support, help, or a hand, but as we all get older we learn that there aren’t always going to be shoulders to lean on, calls will get left unanswered, and emails that’ll never get replied to. Sometimes we have to look at yourself and recognize your own potential to live.
The year is coming to an end, and I’m seeing lots of people talk about New Year’s resolutions, changes, better things to happen, etc. Is it just me or do I find those things a little silly? Why do people wait til a New Year to start making things happen for themselves? Mind boggling people are.
2010 has been just like previous years. Went through things, been through things, encountered new faces, old faces, new places, revisited old places, etc. Made mistakes, hopefully learned from them, etc. All I got to say is that I’m just going to stay on my track, and if my track intertwines with other people’s then it does, I don’t need people who don’t need me in their lives. I’m not going to be the one who puts in efforts and tries to hold onto something that doesn’t want to be held onto.
I was a little hurt and disappointed from a couple of friends last week, but it only made me realize so much more from it.
I’ve always had the tendency to fix and resolve problems and issues as soon as I can. I don’t like leaving things unresolved because I feel like the longer you leave things out in the open and questionable it just doesn’t get either parties anywhere. I’m going to move forward with things, people can hold onto it for as long as they want. I had so much hope for our friendships, but hope alone doesn’t make people realize the bigger picture.
Everyone keeps telling me to be careful with your heart, but what about mine? Yes, I haven’t taken the best care of the hearts that have been put out there for me, and that’s why I’m going to use a different approach for us. I’m going to use time to my advantage because I’m scared that you’ll just be another infatuation.
Thank you for the best Christmas gift by the way. You honestly don’t know how happy I was when I opened up the homemade card.
When you feel like you’re doing what’s best for yourself, no one’s opinions should matter, even of the ones that you care for.
This is necessarily the update that I wanted to get out today, but I can’t seem to think anymore.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
I normally don’t do much on FB but to keep in touch w/friends, and post lots of food pictures and how I’m feeling for the status, but I was distracted and didn’t want to finish what I started so I took a quiz on marriage potential. Obviously, the quiz isn’t going to tell you whether you are or not with a few broad questions, but I couldn’t agree more with the results.
Apparently, I am the modern wife: a wife who doesn’t mind doing household things, and will help the husband out financially. True, I don’t mind cooking and cleaning, and I would have no problem whatsoever being the breadwinner of the household. Besides, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It could be because I have a lot of pride, but I like independence. If I’m depending on my husband for everything (even financially), what will I get left with when he’s gone (I don’t believe in divorces so when he’s gone I mean on a business trip, accidents can happen, etc life is crazy anything can happen)?
And the thing with babies, children, and kids? All of my friends know I don’t like them, but it’s not that I don’t like them it’s just I’m uncomfortable around them. I’m a clumsy person, and babies/children are delicate. I can name a handful of times where I’ve accidently made babies/children cry because I nearly dropped them, ran into them, and pushed them, etc in the past.
And I’ve never really cared for being around them until recently. A friend of mine has been nice enough to allow me to come to family events, and the person has a huge family. I mean I do also, but we’re not all close knit like they are. I envy that, watching my friend’s family being so close and watching TV. shows like Brothers and Sisters (one of my favorites) makes me want to have a big family and start all of these traditions. But anyways, while going to all of my friend’s family events these past three months, I’ve gotten to get to know a lot of the kids in the family (the person’s nieces and nephews) and they have gotten to know me. I love showing up at their houses or at Chucke Cheeses and having all of the kids run up to me saying “Hi Tammy!!” or them including me in on their games. And one by one each of them are slowly adding me on Facebook too. Which I don't mind, but there's some things I post on there which shouldn't be seen by them.
I’ve never been more comfortable hanging out with kids than I have now, and seeing them happy from the smallest simplest things puts me in a great mood.It just stinks because it makes me sad that I never see any of my nieces and nephews, or baby cousins as often as I should be for their birthdays and holidays.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Old, but this song has been on repeat. The lyrics.
- I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart is the moon, and I'm aiming right at you
- You must be a sorceress cause you just did the impossible; Gain my trust don't play games it'll be dangerous
- Nobody knows me I'm cold, walk down this road all alone. Its no one's fault but my own
Its the path I've chosen to go. Frozen as snow I show no emotion whatsoever so. Don't ask me why I have no love for these motherfucking hoes
- You want them when they don't want you, soon as they do feelings change. Its not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate. I wasn't lookin but I stumbled onto you must've been fate, but so much is at stake what the fuck does it take. Lets cut to the chase. But a door shuts in your face. Promise me if I cave in and break and leave myself open that I wont be making a mistake
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
What is one to do when they’re stuck between knowing what is right for them, but what one wants is completely different? –I get it, everyone seems to know what’s right for me, and they only want the best for me. But I’ve been down that path before, not once, but twice. How many times do I have to walk down that same path and have it not work out before people will realize that it’s just not meant to be? I talk about making mistakes and learning from them, and well I’ve made the same mistake twice now, I don’t want to make it a third. But I will admit, I’ve thought about it.
The reason why I try to stick it out with any of my relationships whether it is a friendship or a romantic one is because starting over sucks. Sure it can be pleasurable and enjoyable getting to know someone new, but there’s so much vulnerability that comes with that also. You don’t know how much of yourself you should put out there at first, whether the person genuinely wants to be your friend or are there ulterior motives for their newly presence in your life, whether or not you should trust the things that are coming out of their mouths, etc..
I know who to keep close by, who to keep at a distance, and who to never give more than a simple “Hi, how are you doing?” a genuine smile, and maybe even a hug. The ones I keep close are the few who’ve seen all of me. I’ve shown them my vulnerability, my potential, who I am when I’m angry, sad, happy, etc…these are the people who know all of me and despite the imperfect person that I am, they choose to continue to stay by my side. In a perfect world, all of my friends would be people who are like that, but the world isn’t perfect and unfortunately not everyone gets to see all of me. That doesn’t mean I’m fake towards them, it just means I know my limitations on how much I allow others to see because they don’t deserve all of me.
Nonetheless, starting over is scary. Emotions and vulnerability is scary. There should be a handbook on how to deal with these kinds of things.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Me: )= soft like a taco?
Me: I'm sad...I want to be hard like a hard shelled taco
SS: even though i enjoy hard shell tacos... i like you soft better than hard
Messy hair w/no makeup...I need to figure out what to do w/it. Bangs, short cut, dye it, layer it, etc..SUGGESTIONS PLEASE.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Learn some respect bitch.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Friday, December 10, 2010
-build a snowman
-make a gingerbread house
-cabin w/close friends
-card games (poker, spades, bay cao, tien lien, guthay, etc)
-make an ornament
add to this list if more comes to my mind later (=
-besides complainers, there is nothing that irks me more than an insecure, weak minded, and naive girl. That was Natalie Portman's character during the movie...and I wanted to punch her the whole time.
-I found my Halloween costume for next year: The Black Swan
-the movie definitely wasn't something I expected, in a good way
-the mom is a psycho
-the girl on girl action was...DAMN
-I thought the ending was quite beautiful and made the entire movie even though I wanted to punch N.Portman the whole time
3 1/2 stars out of 5, but I'll let you be the judge of it.
To me a real friend is someone who'll call you out when you're wrong and someone who isn't afraid to criticize you because they only want the best for you. So listen to me when I tell you something, it's not because I want to change you, but it's because I see something that's bothering not only myself but others around you also. I don't mean to diss you or anything...if a friend can't call you out on your wrong doings, who the hell will?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
“Before giving up, think of the reason why you held on for so long.”
Even though it may screw me over in the end with my energy and time that I don’t have to begin with, but I can never walk away without knowing that I tried everything in my power to make it work. Sure, I could quit and walk away from everything that we both have been working hard to get this friendship, relationship, bond to where it is today, but that’d just be too easy. The idea of being left with lingering thoughts of “what if” is something I’m not willing to settle for. It’s just in my human nature to always have hope, hope that in the end we’ll still be there for each other, that one, five, ten, twenty years from today we’ll look back and laugh at all of our memories that we’ve created.
That’s another reason why I have so many good friends whom I’ve known for years on end, and why I was in a 5 ½ year relationship, I prefer long lasting bitter sweet possibly lifetime relationships over short sweet ones. The sweet just ain’t as sweet without the bitter. There’s no such thing as a relationship that doesn’t go through bumps on the road.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
This has been on repeat for the past two days.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
I guess I’m a bitch because I say what and how I feel when I feel it without sugarcoating. I guess I’m selfish because I don’t give a fuck what others think about me besides my immediate family and a handful of good friends. I’m a bad friend because after trying to resolve a problem for awhile, I finally stopped. I’m always going to be perceived a certain way by people and that’s why I don’t give two fingers what people think and I’m learning to not care what good friends think about me either because obviously they don’t know who I am. And I forgive you for thinking you know me when you don’t.
There’s a reason why I don’t care for anyone’s happiness but mine. There’s a reason for why we all think a certain way, act a certain way, and feel a certain way. We’ve all gone through different things in our lives to get us to where and who we are that’s why I don’t judge, but there’s still a lot of you out there who still have to realize that. You say you’ve been in my position to know what I’m feeling, well guess what? You don’t.
I guess there’s a reason for it all and I’m completely fine with that now. I’ve accepted the fact that things happen, mistakes happen, life lessons were taught, friends lost, and life goes on. I’m not going to stop my life for anyone because life doesn’t stop for me. You gotta play the game if you’re trying to win the game.
I've been just trying to do my own thing and whoever wants to join me along my track they can.
An open letter to you
You’re right, it’s sad that it had to take a month for us to get together to talk and when we finally did things seemed to get worst than before. And the only reason why I’m even writing this right now is because I feel like this is the only way I can try to get you to hear me out and listen to me without you sitting there screaming at me. But I know why we weren’t able to accomplish anything we’re both very stubborn people and when two stubborn people get together to talk, none of us listens, especially when neither of us is scared to hold anything back.
I get why you feel the way you do, I get why you feel like you’ve lost respect for me, and I get why you’d be angry. I told you already, I apologized the second you told me what happened, and I tried to work things out, but there is only so much I can do on my end. If the other person isn’t willing to meet me half way. Just like with our relationship, we both could only try so long to talk before the both of us gave up. I valued our friendship and I still do that’s why I’m even attempting to write this sorry ass thing on my blog. I should be telling you all of this in person, but I don’t think you’d listen. Whether you care anymore or not I just gotta do this so I know I’ve tried one last time before letting everything go.
When I put my Facebook status about “The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on for so long.” It was directed towards you. You are a good friend, you’ve always been there when I needed you, and you were always someone I could go to when I needed an honest opinion on anything, but what I didn’t appreciate that night was when you said “Fine, go be friends with all of those fake bitches, I’m the only real one.” You aren’t the only real one friend that I have, they’re all real in their own way. Just like you’re real because you’re blunt. But I know I said things that made you if not equally or more angry also and I apologize. In the heat of an argument sometimes we all say things we don’t mean. I don’t expect our relationship to get back to “normal,” I don’t even expect our relationship to even continue, but I’m not a quitter, and I’m willing to talk, work, whatever it is we have to do to make this a lasting relationship but that’s on my end, you have to decide on your end too. And whatever you decide I’ll respect because like I said we all view, feel, and think differently than each other.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
I've been listening to this song on repeat since three in the morning:
Heard the TV sayin' something
'Bout disaster in the world and
It made me wonder where I'm going
There's so much darkness in the world
But I see beauty left in you girl
And what you give me let's me know
That I'll be alright
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Been there done that, and after all of it, this is who I am.