Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Feelings is a funny thing

Ok w/the last post please disregard, but at the same time regard it. I'm just a confused person right now. I know I'm still young and I have a full life ahead of me, but at the same time I feel like an old geezer. Like I have no time, and with the time that I do have, I shouldn't be investing it into something that has no future. But I guess I won't know if it holds a future or not unless I take the risk by investing time and energy into it right?

I'm used to pre planning everything, knowing what the future holds for me, what tomorrow holds for me, so even though this summer has been made up mainly of lots of spontaneous events, living day to day, I'm not surprised I have gone back to my old ways of over analyzing every situation. Like I've said before, old habits die hard.

Two of the dumbest things a girl can do:
1) telling the guy that you like him
and 2) not telling the guy that you like him
...funny how that is. My friend's right about that one, I guess it's a unisex thing.

I think it's cute that when I go back and reread my previous posts that most of the things crossed off on my "summer to-do" and "cravings" lists are crossed off with MFB.

This past weekend was probably the most time spent one on one w/MFB.
A few things I miss already:
-sleeping next him on "my" side of the bed
-face to face conversations
-sleep creepin'
-always missing koala-ing
-him making me laugh
-never looking at him, and him making fun of me
-being indecisive together
out of everything, definitely the face to face convos. Talking on the phone doesn't cut it anymore.

I'm not sure if it's just me, but I feel like when you first start talking to a person I always feel like I have to impress them and that usually includes me not being myself. Like I'm self conscious, I can't laugh the way I normally laugh (which is loud), I have to watch what I say and do just so I don't seem dumb, I have to dress a certain way, I always have to wear eyeliner and mascara, etc etc. But for the first time ever, since the beginning I've been comfortable with actually being myself. Not that I wasn't with the guys I've talked to before, but this time everything just came naturally. Who knows, it's probably just me. But so far being myself naturally seems to be working, or so I think so.

With all of the guys I have gotten to know as friends and as more than friends, there aren't may guys (even girls) out there that think money can't buy them happiness. A lot of my guy friends put money high up there on their priorities list. And I could be wrong, but from what I've gotten to know I admire MFB for not thinking the same way as the other 95% of the male population.

I find it strange that it's always silent when he's driving me to the airport. There's always a bajillion things that are flowing through my mind during those 15-20minutes in the car, but I can't ever seem to bring myself to talk about them out loud w/him. I do a great job of making goodbyes awkward though, I hate em.

On days like today, I wish everyone would just be straight forward with how they felt for each other, but then again it'd take some of the mystery out of things. Just some days though, especially after a weekend spent together. How do you feel now versus how you felt before I came?

After writing all of this, I feel like I'm going to seem foolish, weak, and I'm making myself vulnerable. But I'm at the point where I'm just gonna say fuck it, I don't care about protecting myself anymore.

1 comment:

bebiix said...

even if you break down and become foolish,weak and vulnerable, you'll always stand back up.