Lately I’ve been receiving comments that I’m “cold-hearted” or “heartless” by my peers. I’d like to take those comments as compliments. I don’t think I’m either, I just like to see it as, I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see but for no one to possess.
I know I talk about taking risks all the time, and that life is too short to not take them. But I would rather not take the leap of faith and risk getting involved in l-o-v-e. If I was all about risks, I think I would’ve risked everything for nothing a couple weeks ago, but I’m here, with everything, but why do I still feel like nothing?
I’ve always saw relationships as, never settling for anyone, because if you settle, you’ll never be happy. I’ve always saw relationships as, always go for the one you’ll love more, not going for the one who will love you more.I’ve always saw relationships as, it’s impossible to find someone who’ll never hurt you, so go for the one who’s worth all of the pain.I’ve always saw relationships as, a two-way thing, not one-way.I’ve always saw relationships as, a long-term investment, you’ll never know if that investment will be a life investment.I’ve always saw relationships, as a lot of different things, but those were just a few.Thinh is right about something, I’ve always had a set of firm beliefs that I’ve always stood by for the past five years we’ve been together, and for me to all of a sudden to think any differently is not possible. He knows me so well, it’s scary. Besides myself, he’s the only other person who knows me at all, well besides a couple selected ‘best friends’, but he knows me better than my own immediate family. And he’s right though, I’m not thinking any differently from my beliefs, there’s just something in the way that’s holding me back.
After spending a couple weekends with him since our break up, things are slowly but surely falling into place again.
One of my wise friends reminded me that things are never set in stone, so I could change my future to the way I want it. But with Thinh, things seem to be set in stone; it’s scary but comforting at the same time. It’s scary because he’s my future, no one else. It’s comforting because knowing that I’ve already possibly found the one person I may be spending my life with is nice. But it’s again scary because I’m so young, I always talk about how life is so short, but when I think about him and I, life is long.
When I broke up with Thinh for that short period of time, you know how many people were shocked because we were so ‘perfect’ or that we ‘belonged together’. Even people we don’t really even spend time with came up to me telling me that they couldn’t see me and him with anyone else but each other. Is there something wrong with that picture? I’ve always hated that people thought our relationship was perfect, because no relationship is perfect. We just don’t like to fight in front of people, or let people know about our relationship problems, that don’t mean we ‘belong together’.
I also hate that I’m always the ‘bad’ one in our relationship and that he’s always the ‘good’ one. I told him that and he said “it’s because they don’t know what’s going on.” I’m still not the bad one, believe that.
There's soooooo much more I need to get off my chest but I'll save it for later.