"Hey lover, am I the only one,or are you selling your baby a dream?"-Twista "Dreams"

Valley Fair July 11, 2009

******

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always some...one there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"-Unknown

When did life get so scary? Between finding ourselves and the person we’re suppose to spend the rest of our lives with, we could die, or worse break, our heart. That’s one reason why I’ve never given anyone one. You can’t break what’s not yours, and since it’s not yours, you can’t break.

I’ve never let anyone in 100%, because I’m smart enough to know the consequences of doing so. And is kind of sad, but I don’t think I will ever let anyone in all of the way. T’s been the only person I’ve ever let in this far, and I don’t think anyone will get passed this point, even him. No one wants to get hurt, no one wants to be vulnerable, and no one wants to cry, so why let myself get any of those things? If there’s a way to protect my heart, then you bet you I’m going to do whatever I can to never let it break.

It’s not that I don’t believe in love, I do. It’s just my definition of love is complicated. There are no first, second, third, or tenth love, there is only one love. That person that I will love will be the person I marry, and will be the person I die happy loving. I believe that if you love someone, you can and will work out anything and everything, from distrust, lies, infidelity, to financial problems, if you truly love that person, and if that person truly loves you, you will be together forever.

It might sound a little corny, but I’ve seen it happen with my own eyes, true love does exist. And I’m not worth any less; I deserve true love, with my one and only love. So until the day comes, I’m keeping my heart to myself.

T is a very good boyfriend. I actually can’t imagine anyone doing the job of “Tammy’s boyfriend” better than he does it, but there will always be doubt with him. Not the kind of doubt you’re thinking about, but the doubt of whether or not we have a future together. I’m the kind of person who likes to plan things out, to know what the future holds for me. While T on the other hand likes to take each day as it comes, I bet you he probably doesn’t even know what he’s saving for right now! That’s another reason why I know I shouldn’t let him in completely, because I don’t know if we’re going to be in each other’s future or not.

What keeps me going, what motivates me in a relationship is knowing that we have a future together. The future is what makes me want to try. If I couldn’t see a person in my future, I wouldn’t want to waste my time on them. But with T, even not knowing what our destiny holds for us, I can’t help but keep trying my best in our relationship. I guess for this relationship, it’s not the future that’s keeping me going, it’s the faith I have.

"So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it, if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."-Greys Anatomy

We have split, went our own ways, lived our separate lives, and even then our feelings for each other couldn’t be erased. Maybe, just maybe it can’t ever be erased. Just maybe. Only the man above knows what our fates hold, I also wish I knew, so I know if my efforts are going towards something good or just a lost cause.

Thinh and I in 2005, our first State Fair trip together

It's now 2009, and my heart remains a heart of fire, encased in ice.