Friday, March 18, 2011


I've been laying here for the past two hours, and all I could do was think. Thoughts racing through my head, and while I resisted the urge to grab my black notebook and RSVP pen to jot everything down, I told myself "tomorrow morning". And somehow tomorrow morning wound up to this: me grabbing my BlackBerry.

I'm thinking about everything possible. How I don't give a fuck about much in life. How I'm so happy and content in life right now that my only motivation is to give whatever it is that my parents desire to them. How everything happened exactly how it was supposed to, to teach me all of this in life. How stuff that would have got me excited a year ago no longer excites me. How I would rather spend my weekends going out to dinner w/my family, talking, laughing, reminiscing our past, and planning our future together than drinking w/my friends. How I crave reading a new book versus going downtown. How I would be out of Minnesota in a second if my family was able to go with me. How I've been friends w/these people for so long and after all we've been through we're still friends. How wonderful and fun all of their weddings will be. How I can't wait to go back to school. How I can't wait to go back to dressing up in business clothes for work. How I'll save a ton on gas once the light rail is finished. How I want to sell my car and move to Australia w/the money. How the cops are basically waiting for me to fuck up. How my parents still have it in their hearts to love me after all I've done. How easy it is to be happy, but so many people aren't. How and why do people value money and material things so much? How much I want to go camping this summer just like old times w/my bestest and longest known friends. How I would like to spend my summer fishing. How I'm going to spend my birthday: first time in four years in Minnesota or another out of state celebration? How I only spend it out of state b/c I don't like "celebrating" it. How my parents have gone from yelling and fighting each other to loving each other. How my parents worked so hard to give us everything. How on Earth did my brother get to be the way he is now (was it how my parents raised him? Genetics? What?!) How I've accepted the fact that I'll never get married, and how incredibly content I am w/that fact. How I really wish I knew how to play the piano. How RIM isn't doing anything new w/BlackBerry's. How incredibly blessed I am. How my guardian angel is holdin' up in heaven. How I wish I got to thank her for teaching me so much when I was a little girl. How I am sorry for the way my brother acted towards her and I just watched. How I wish my parents would downsize this house already. How selfish we all are. How my friend is going to spend her 21st birthday next month. How I basically didn't break lent except for one day. How much I just want to do the time now to get it over with. How awesome Lollapalooza will be. How if I was still in Cali right now I'd have my own fixie and ride it everywhere instead of driving Weezy. How much I want to go running right now. How my dad and mom are going to be a year closer to leaving me in the next two months. How I wasn't strong enough to be there for my brother when he needed me most. How I blew off his daily calls and voice mails. How I turned down all of those job offers. How my sister says I should give them a try. How determined and self motivated my brother is. How incredibly smart they both are. How I'm so happy for her to be w/the love of her life at such a young age. How I see him as if he were my own brother. How I can be so wreckless. How much I miss people watching in NYC. How if I'm going to wait to go to Serendipity w/"the one" that I'll never get to go. How kind of silly that movie really is. How that Russian kid who split his head open on the playground is doing now. How I'm still super short even though I drank tons of milk when I was a little girl. How I almost dropped Kevin while holding him when he was just a few months old. How Kevin, Vincent, Haley...all of my cousins, nephews, and nieces (viet way) won't remember me b/c I was never around and still not. How much I wanna go diving w/the sharks in Australia. How and why I love Australia so much. How I wanna see the Black Hills this summer. How we should've went to see the Black Hills for the goons' SB. How my sister never got to travel like I did when I was her age. How she deserves to travel. How I wish I could be in Japan helping the tsunami victims. How I want to teach English in Vietnam. How I just want to make an impact on people's lives. How I want to join the peace corp forever. How if it wasn't for giving everything to my parents I wouldn't care about how much I make. How I would help people for free as long as housing and food is paid for. How I want to trade the X5 for a fixie. How I wish everything was closer so I could just get around in a fixie. How I smashed my head into one of the many garages riding a bike. How I came home from school one day and found out my guardian angel was in the hospital. How I came home from school one day and found out my dad was gone. How I came home one day and found out my brother split his head open. How we got so much Halloween candy trick or treating in our old old neighborhood in Eden Prairie. How different Eastview was from Richfield High School. How I wish I wasn't such a rebel when we were in Vietnam. How it was so much fun riding on a motorcycle while my cousin was going 100+ mph. How I used to want a crotch rocket. How my dad would drive passed cars when I was little girl and I'd point at each one saying I want that when I get my license. How much I love my parents. How much I love my family. How I used to hate them so much. How I got my first flowers from a couple of friends when I turned 14. How incredibly fun prom was. How I miss the STP boys. How it was really good and nice unexpectedly running into them last week. How I'm going to rearrange my room for the first time since we moved into this house. How I graduated high school with a bunch of strangers. How I'll probably never go to my high school reunions. How I wished I would've graduated from Richfield instead of Eastview. How I should've listened to my ortho and wore my retainer 24/7. How I want my teeth whiter. How I want to do a road trip. How I've gotten over my large ears. I wonder if my brother really did quit smoking. How if the things he tell me are because of his condition or are they real. How we haven't seen him for a good week. How wrinkly and super old looking my hands are and if palm readings are real. How short should I cut my hair or leave it long. How people will read this and think I'm crazy. How I think it's cool to be crazy through someone's eyes. How so much can and has changed in just a year. How ridiculous life is. Ridiculously unpredictable. How I should force myself not to think about any of this anymore...

And finally if I should stay up the rest of the day or just sleep.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

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