Saturday, September 18, 2010

ramblings of a delirious young woman

Life right now is too crazy for anyone to understand. My life right now is too crazy for myself to understand.
Needs v.s. Wants
Dream chasing, money and men will come after.
Australia says up in my mind 24/7, 365....I gotta do it.
I've realized that everyone's dreams isn't the same dream I'm dreaming of.
My dream is for myself, and only I can make it come true.
Music soothes my soul.
My friends are incredible, what's a girl like me to do without 'em?!
I like to let go before it gets too complicated.
You have no one to blame but yourself.

"Oops I did it again
I played with your heart
Got lost in the game
Oops you think I'm in love..."
Oh Britney, how you stole the words right out of my mouth
It's a shame you got mixed up w/the crazy fattie K.Federline

- - - - -

I was getting ready for the day, and I was thinking of a friend who I ran into earlier in the week. After I was done getting ready, I checked my phone and that same friend text me to have lunch. Scary how life works eh? Coincidence or not, it was nice to catch up with her. Even though she's nearly a decade older than I am, we have an understanding with each other that I can't describe. It's like we get each other without even having to say anything.

Lunch with her made me miss the STP boys more. Lunch with her also made me think of an old friend. One whom I chose to cut off for my own good because she wasn't a good friend. It's sad how I had to cut the relationship off, considering that she was my first real girl friend since my only one back in grade school.

When someone is a good friend of mine, I will do anything in my power to be loyal, have their back, make them happy, etc...Money is nothing to me, when I have the money and if I go out with a group of friends I'll spend it down to the penny just to make sure everyone is having a great time. I've been told countless times from my mom that I shouldn't invest so much in my friendships because in the end 99.9% of them wouldn't be as down for me as I am for them, but I don't care. When I come into a friendship, my intentions is to have them around for life. And if you're going to be apart of my life for the rest of my life I'm going to need to water it, --to make it grow.

No one wants a friend who'll hold em back. A true friend is honest no matter what, and will grow with you. I have the weirdest, strangest group of close friends, but that's the way I like it: variety. We're all the same, but yet so different in many ways.

It's a shame that my first ever girl friend held me back. We went through a lot together, learned a lot together, and grew a lot together. But then we stopped growing, so I had to let her go. I hope you realize why I did it, and I hope you realize that a lot of it had to do with what you did. I hope one day you mature, and stop worrying about other people's lives and start worrying about your's. I only want the best for you, even if we don't talk anymore.

- - - - -

I'm so incredibly sick of people telling me that I will end up marrying Thinh no matter how many guys I talk to and date. How many times do I have to express and stress that I have absolutely no feelings for him? I've seen him a total of 10+ times since we've broken up, and each time I've seen him I felt nothing, nothing but friendship. During our 5 1/2 years together we both never said the three little words, when he realized that he had "loved" me and told me (after we broke up of course; men are stupid), I felt nothing. I'm just so sick of people telling me how perfect our relationship was. Fuck no it wasn't perfect, but what relationship is? We weren't one of Walt Disney's fairy tales, we were a real couple. Yes, I do get sad thinking about all of the things we have gone through together, but I'm not going to be with someone just because of how long we were together, or because I'm scared of starting over with another man. The next person that brings up how Thinh and I need to get back together, or that we'll end up getting married, or that I really do have feelings for him but I'm just burying it will get shot in the face personally by me. Because they need to get it through their heads, and how in the world are you going to tell me how I feel???? If you like him so much, then get married to him yourself. I'm not closing all doors on the possibility, it's just not in my interest right now. Life's crazy, anything can happen, but I'm 99.99999999999999% sure we are donezo.

Thanks for listening to me rant about it. I've been pissed off about it for too fucking long.

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