Friday, April 8, 2011

With all of my heart

Both of my siblings don’t realize this and I don’t know if they’re ever going to realize this, but everything that my parents have done in the past up to now and even in the future are all for the three of us. Everything they have ever asked of us. Every cent they have made working seven days a week. Every move they have ever made and will make will be to our benefit. Every. Single. Thing.

I remember when I was in my teenage years, my dad threatened to put me into boot camp after watching a few too many “my child is out of control” Maury episodes. I also remember telling him “I’m not a bad daughter! I’m not as bad as half of those kids in school.” How selfish of me to even let those words come out to the man who has done nothing but love me. Many years later and I now know that it wasn’t the point. The point is that he raised me to be better than that.

I’m not one to regret anything I have done in life because I know they all happened for a reason. Maybe I wouldn’t appreciate my parents as much as I do now if I hadn’t been such a horrible daughter, but I can’t help but feel awful for the things I have put the both of them through. I know I’ve said this many times before but I honestly don’t know how my parents still find it in their hearts to still love me. Haven’t I weakened their hearts from the bruises I’ve made? Haven’t my sister weakened their hearts from the scratches she’s made? Haven’t my brother weakened their hearts from the dents he’s made? Even though we have made their hearts weak, they still continue to love us with all they’ve got. If anyone knows of any of the things all three of us have put my mom and dad through, I think they’ll find it surprising that they even still look at us like we’re their children (I don’t mean to make it sound like we’re horrible kids. It’s just like I have said, they both raised us to be better than people who disobeys them left and right).

I can only name one friend who has seen this transition of me thinking my parents were the most horrible people in the world to me giving my parents unconditional love back in the past 10 years. He’s even mentioned it one time when we were studying together. I got off the phone with my dad telling him I wasn’t going to be home that night and my friend goes “Wow Tammy, I remember when you hated your parents. I’m glad you came around.” –I’m glad I did too.

See these are the things I’ve finally figured out with my parents:
-They don’t call me late at night or text me late at night to be annoying to tell me to come home. They’re just trying to know that I’m alive and safe.
-My dad doesn’t stay up late at night because he can’t sleep. He stays up to make sure I come home safe and sound.
-My parents didn’t ask us to get a part time job when we were 16 because they didn’t want to pay for our things anymore. They wanted to teach us the value of money. How it’s hard to make, but easy to spend.
-My parents doesn’t make us pay our phone bills, car payments, car insurance, or ask us to give them however much a month because they don’t have money to pay for it themselves. They’re putting the money we give them away for us because they know we like to spend everything we have.
-Friends come and go. Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go. But my parents will never leave our side. No matter how big of a mistake we make (I know because no father should ever have to come to jail and try to bail his daughter out).

I knew my parents weren’t like other parents when I was a senior in high school. Most parents would make their kids go to college to become a doctor, a lawyer, or something that would them prestige, money, and power. But my parents didn’t. They gave me suggestions based off of what they knew I liked and what they knew I was good at. My mom was actually the first person to suggest me to go into journalism. Even with this long hiatus I have been taking from work, school, and life, they both have been nothing but so supportive of me. They’ve always been supportive of us though. Anything that makes their kids smile will make them smile. I could seriously date Hitler and my parents would love him as long as he made me happy.

A couple posts back I said I had a few things I have been wanting to blog about, well this wasn’t one of them. But I had a conversation with my dad this morning that made me want to blog about this (again). The conversation wasn’t any more than five minutes, but it was enough to get me to cry for an hour.

I have everything I need to move to anywhere I please and to do anything I please. Australia? New York? France? Vietnam? Literally anywhere. But I keep telling myself I need to finish school before I do so. Well school isn’t the real reason why I wouldn’t want to move just quite yet. It’s just a reason to buy me time. Time for when my parents are ready to leave Minnesota behind and start somewhere new. Preferably with me. I have given two other states a try already and yet I still come back, the reason I keep coming back is because my heart is with my parents and my siblings. I don’t want to travel anywhere or move anywhere unless I’m with my parents and siblings.

When I think about the places I have traveled to without them, I feel so selfish. I was out enjoying myself while they were back home working hard. When I lived outside of Minnesota and experiencing a new place, they were at home worrying about me. I don’t want to be selfish anymore, at least not like that. I want to be selfish where seeing them happy will make me happy. Even as much as I am itching to move somewhere to see the world, I refuse to do so unless I have my family by my side.

We grew up as a family that always ate dinner together, but as we all got older our schedules got crazier and not just that but us kids grew unappreciative of each other so the only times we ate as a family were on special occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc.). For the past five months I’ve been scheduling more family dinners as way to try and get everyone together again. Also as my way of showing that I love all of them. Nothing I do and give my parents will ever repay them back for the things they have taught me and given me, but I can at least try to make their lives a little easier. They’re getting older as each day passes, and that only means I am limited with the days I have left to show them that I love them.

It seems like lately I have been writing a lot of repeat posts only in different words, but I guess that only shows you what I’m truly passionate about. And what I truly value in life.

1 comment:

bebiix said...

Family dates are a must! Time doesnt stop so enjoy every little thing while you can.
I love mine to death!! Mother always told me as you get older you'll start to miss them more and more (: