Monday, November 8, 2010

There's no same in forever

Change is definitely inevitable in life. When you go through certain events, meet certain people, make mistakes, you can’t help but change the way you think, feel, and live. Prior to this year, if there was one thing that I feared besides anyone from my immediate family leaving me, it would definitely be any change of some sort. I’ve said this before but I love feeling like I’m in control and when change occurs, you feel everything but that.

In the past three years, let alone this year itself (or from the beginning of summer til now) I’ve gone through so many things in my life to have me change as a person. Whether they were good or bad, I would like to think that they have all made me into a better person.

Right now at this moment in my life I don’t regret anything that I’ve done because I know those past experiences is what’s making me who I am today, but I do have a lot of people that do not think fondly of me. Not that I care necessarily, I just want to have a clean slate not that that’s possible. For myself, I see no point in holding a grudge against somebody. Whether my ability to forgive people easily is a strong personality trait or a bad one is entirely up to the person you ask, but from the way I see it, when you’re holding a grudge against someone, it’s like you’re allowing them to live rent free in your mind. I’m not asking to be friends w/the people who dislike me, all I’m asking for them to discontinue the grudge they are holding because w/all of the people I’ve fought with in the past, I have definitely grown and changed since then. Back then I probably had a reason why I disliked you, fast track to today and I probably can’t think of an answer. If I can’t remember why I disliked you, it’s probably not worth disliking you today.

But when I do dislike a person, I don't fake the funk. I see a lot of my "friends" do this, and you don't know how irritating it is. How can you not call yourself fake when you're sitting here saying how much you dislike this person for this and that but then to their face you're nice because they're always around you or because you need something from them? Fuck that.

It’s funny how the topic of conversation w/almost everyone I’ve spoken to today has been about change. A friend told me their assumptions on who I was a as a person before getting to know me and said that upon meeting me the person thought that a lot of girls don’t really care for me, I bring drama and trouble, I hang out with people who bring drama and trouble, I’m spoiled, and to sum it all up that I was crazy (this was meeting the person right before summer started). All of those things are true in one way or in another, but I think the point here is that I’m making an attempt to get myself away from those views.

I also asked a handful of my close friends to see how I have changed since they have known me and I’ll probably only admit this one time and this time only but it brought tears to my eyes. I’m glad they were all so honest with me, and their responses refreshed my mind on the different things that have gotten me to who I am today. And the crazy thing is that they loved me for who I was back then, and even though I’ve done a complete 360 (or trying to) change, they’re still here by my side, supporting me and giving me their love.

I hope you all don’t mind me putting up your responses, but I need this for memory purposes. (:

Person numero uno: “Something that really stuck out is your emotions. Back in the day you were crazy in puppy like. I remember lending you my shoulders every time. After that break up I’ve never seen you cry again. Then with Thinh, although you never said the words I love you to him, I truly felt that you did love him when guys broke up the first time you were ok but quickly moved on. With that relationship you were the caretaker. I always saw you catering to him but something was different…then you broke up with him and then you kind of went crazy. You had friends from every group in MN hahah then you were back with Thinh, you became your girlfriend self again, but then you guys broke up. And now you’re different. You’re deeper in a way, you see more and I feel like you’re starting to feel again. I know it sounds weird but it’s like you’re using your heart more instead of your head. Hahah you’re appreciating everything in life and finally slowing down. You not used to being alone or being at home. I think you want to open your heart and feel love. From reading your blogs and being your friend I think it’s time for you to experience how crazy love is. With all aspects of your life: adventure, friendship, being in trouble, dropping everything, etc, the only thing missing is falling in love.”

Person numero dos: “I think it’s a good thing that you’ve changed. You’ve become so mature and you just think differently about things. You’ve become more appreciative and you calmed down. You’re a woman! I don’t care what others say, but I love you. “

Person numero tres: “Do I think a person can change?—Yes. Do I think you have changed since summer?—Most definitely. You’ve definitely calmed down and is losing the title of Tamzilla.”

Person numero cuatro: “I don’t think you changed for the worst, you’re still a good person, but I just think you’re not as close to your “family” as in us your childhood friends. But I still love you and would be there for you when you need me.”

Person numero cinco: “You were a badass and a little too carefree before but you’re more grounded and humble now. Still very free spirited and driven. I think you know yourself more now by the way you carry yourself. I suppose it counts to ask people who knows a LITTLE more than the ones just going out.”

Person numero seis: “Nothing. You haven’t changed at all. You will always be my little sister, easy as that. We all might grow up but it’s the bond. I miss your peer pressure.”

Person numero siete: “You’re more independent and more aggressive, not in a bad way though. You know what you want and you go for it.” (this was probably the lamest response especially when I was expecting more from the person)

Person numero ocho: "You're still the same as when I first met you, except you've calmed down on the punching a lot. But even with everything I'm still here right now aren't I?" (this coming from the person that made all of those "true" assumptions upon meeting me)


Today is Monday, and already I'm dreading but at the same time cannot wait for this weekend. Two birthdays on Friday, possibly a birthday on Saturday, and a death anniversary get together on Saturday, Brunch date on Sunday, possibly a movie date on Sunday, and also a baby shower on Sunday. So much going on!

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