Sunday, November 7, 2010

Lots of disappointments

I’m trying my hardest to not use alcohol as the reason why I did what I did, but when it all comes down to it, that’s exactly the reason. This is exactly why I hesitated to go to Madison for Halloween in the first place. Prior to last weekend, all of the weekends that I have drank didn’t end too well for me. My body isn’t absorbing the alcohol like it has before summer started, and I knew it was going to be bad in Madison. Either I was going to end up in jail, do something I would want to regret, or die, and let’s just say I crossed two things off of that list. Stupid me let my friends guilt trip me into the trip, went and thought everything was all gravy and thought everyone had fun, but little did I know.

I know nothing I say or do will change the fact that it had already happened, and so far in life I’ve learned that if there’s something that’s bothering me that I can’t change, then I gotta change the way I feel about it. How do I feel about it? –a lot. I feel sad, embarrassed, confused, betrayed, etc. But if there’s one thing that I don’t feel, that would have to be guilt. If you know the situation and you’re reading this you’re probably thinking what the heck is this girl thinking, but it’s honest. I don’t feel guilt because I know that if I was sober, or even had a few drinks less than what I had drank that night I wouldn’t have done what I did, nor would I have brushed someone away when being confronted with the problem.

Like I said, there’s nothing I can do to change what has already happened, but I’m sitting here trying to work things out and there’s only so much I can do on my end. If you don’t want to listen to what I have to say to try and get you to see where I am coming from then there’s no point for me to continue wasting my breath and time. But the effort should already show you something.

I feel betrayed because out of everyone who knows about the situation no one came forward to tell me asap. Yeah, I know you were trying to put time on it and you were trying to find a way to bring it up to me, but honestly what did waiting do for you, the person, or the situation do besides get you more upset and angry about it? In the car ride home, we went around and told everyone if we got to redo the weekend over again, what would be the one thing you’d change and when I said that I would’ve changed drinking so much so that I wouldn’t have died, that seemed like a perfect opportunity to bring it up then. I’m upset because besides myself and Thinh I thought you were the other person who understood me. But why should I be upset about that right? It’s my fault for assuming you did.

Let’s take a quick poll here: Raise your hand if you’ve gotten so drunk before that you did things you didn’t remember, and felt embarrassed waking up the next day and hearing stories from others telling you all of the stupid things you did the night before. I’ll raise my hand to that, and I’m sure many others will too.

Like I said I’m trying my hardest to not let alcohol define the situation, but there are times when you get so drunk that you don’t remember what you do. So YOU tell me how am I supposed to watch my actions when I don’t even know it’s occurring? I tried to control my drinking, and it failed. No one wants to drink the night away where they can’t remember the memories, well at least for me. I definitely did not plan on having died in a public place, sleeping on a friends lap for like two hours (which btw I thank the person because this is the second time that you've saved me), got piggybacked a mile to the hotel, and waking up asking myself and everyone around me where am I. Yep, definitely didn't plan on all of that.

I’ll just have to wait and see how this all turns out. I’m disappointed too, but I'm glad to know that someone understand where I'm coming from.

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