Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The battle between what is right and what I want.

What is one to do when they’re stuck between knowing what is right for them, but what one wants is completely different? –I get it, everyone seems to know what’s right for me, and they only want the best for me. But I’ve been down that path before, not once, but twice. How many times do I have to walk down that same path and have it not work out before people will realize that it’s just not meant to be? I talk about making mistakes and learning from them, and well I’ve made the same mistake twice now, I don’t want to make it a third. But I will admit, I’ve thought about it.


The reason why I try to stick it out with any of my relationships whether it is a friendship or a romantic one is because starting over sucks. Sure it can be pleasurable and enjoyable getting to know someone new, but there’s so much vulnerability that comes with that also. You don’t know how much of yourself you should put out there at first, whether the person genuinely wants to be your friend or are there ulterior motives for their newly presence in your life, whether or not you should trust the things that are coming out of their mouths, etc..

I know who to keep close by, who to keep at a distance, and who to never give more than a simple “Hi, how are you doing?” a genuine smile, and maybe even a hug. The ones I keep close are the few who’ve seen all of me. I’ve shown them my vulnerability, my potential, who I am when I’m angry, sad, happy, etc…these are the people who know all of me and despite the imperfect person that I am, they choose to continue to stay by my side. In a perfect world, all of my friends would be people who are like that, but the world isn’t perfect and unfortunately not everyone gets to see all of me. That doesn’t mean I’m fake towards them, it just means I know my limitations on how much I allow others to see because they don’t deserve all of me.

Nonetheless, starting over is scary. Emotions and vulnerability is scary. There should be a handbook on how to deal with these kinds of things.

Scary eh?


Apparently I'm a bad person for not caring about what others say about me, or how others feel towards me. Look at my face and tell me ifl I give a flying mosquito? I used to care, but it withheld happiness from me, so I cut that factor out of my life and voila, I'm a bad person. A bad person that still doesn't care. ^_~


Me: why are you being all secretive now huh?
SS: cause i am like a clam at the bottom of the atlantic ocean
Me: well i'm swimming to the bottom of the atlantic and i'm going to pry it open
SS: impossible...
SS: but maybe i will wash up on the beach where you are tanning
Me: and while i'm looking for sea shells i find you
Me: pick you up and put you in my pocket

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