Three days in

"...if you’re trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will look down at you anyhow. And if you’re trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone."-Tuesdays With Morrie (one of my favorite books)

*****

This weekend was a nice beginning to the New Year. For New Year’s eve, although I had intentions of stopping by a few different places to see all of my friends, I didn’t get a chance to because of my time management or my lack of. But I did get to spend it with a small group of close friends. They have been complaining that I never spend any holidays with them, and that it has been about forever (I honestly can’t think of the last time) since I even spent NYE with them. Although the group was small, it was nice and always memorable.

Although I knew I was going to be seeing S.S. for NYE, I didn’t plan on kissing him for the midnight kiss. He was the first one I hugged and said Happy New Year’s to, and seeing the look in his eyes and the want in em, I gave him a peck on the lips (not a kiss!). I kind of wished I didn’t give him that peck, but I’m glad I didn’t give him a full on one. I’m not ready for that kind of intimacy (haha I sound like a 12 year old since so many of you think a kiss is just a kiss).

*****

After dinner last night with the Goons, I had a girl friend ride with me to our destination for the night and we talked about her relationship with her not-yet-boyfriend-but-they-do-things-that-couples-do guy. A few things came up that she asked me about (I hope she doesn’t kill me for posting a couple of our conversations up):

J: “So it’s all or nothing?”
Me: “Hell yes it’s all or nothing. You deserve all of him, not half of him or a quarter of him. If you don’t get all of him, are you sharing a part of him with a whore or something? Do you want to share him? So of course you should get all of him. His mind, body, and soul.”

Me: “So what’s stopping you two from making it official anyways?”
J: “I don’t know, it’s just so complicated.”
Me: “What’s so complicated about two people wanting to be together? Trust me nothing is complicated when a guy wants to be with you, because if he truly does want to be with you bad enough he’ll be with you and nothing will stop him from being with you. Him saying things are complicated is just an excuse for you guys to not be together.”

*****

A lot of my friends will agree that I’m great at manipulating, and getting people to do what I want. Whether it’s planning something and getting a group of friends to do it, or at work and talking to customers about opening a savings account, a certificate of deposit, or anything bank related, I’m just good at it. But what happens when you’re also good at manipulating yourself? I feel like in the past years or so I’ve been really good at manipulating my emotions. I can make myself stop feeling something, stop caring for someone, start caring for someone, or start feeling for someone. And that’s a scary power to have because how do I start deciphering genuine feelings for someone versus forcing myself to feel something for someone for a period of time?

*****

One of these days this week, I’m going to sit and really concentrate on my future and what I want out of it. I took a semester off from everything (school and work) for a reason, and the goal that I had set for myself has been unaccomplished. I mean I know what I want to major in, that’s set. But I need more detailed goals. Monthly goals and details of how I’m going to achieve those goals all written down in my handy dandy black notebook.

I remember having a conversation w/Thinh in the past about goals. He was skeptic of the way I did things. He hated that I had a set timeline for everything in my life. I remember telling him that if I didn’t have a goal and timeline for when I wanted to accomplish it that how would I know where to start and what to get done in my life? He sat quiet. But it’s quite ironic that ever since we broke up some will say that I kind of lost direction in my life. And in some sense that’s kind of true, I stopped caring and got off track of the things I had set for myself. After this week though, I’ll be back on the path I created for myself.

*****

One thing I’m going to really focus on is my indecisiveness.

*****A certain personality trait of mine is so strong that a friend I used to spend a lot of time with that I recently hung out with for the first time in who knows how long tells me so. The person told me that I should do something (looking out for my best interest) and of course I said no and denied that I should and the person goes "You know Tammy, you've always been so stubborn, and I see that that part of you hasn't changed one bit."--Possibly another area I need to work on.

*****

A song I've been listening to a lot:

*****

The guys teased me by talking about plans for Wednesday. I'm going to be an angry girl if we do not put those plans into action.

I've been hanging out with a group of friends that I've known ever since I was in diapers and if I didn't know them since then I've known them for at least 6-7 years now. I find ourselves reminicising a lot about past memories that we created when we were kids and teenagers. I love the fact that we're now young adults and we continue to make more memories that I can only hope when we're all older with families of our own that we'll be asking each other "Hey do you remember when..." and we're talking about memories we're creating right now. <3

These people aren't just by my side for when the good times are rollin', but they're by my side or they pick up my calls when I need someone to listen to me. We've been through so much shit together that they've grown to become my family. I have probably talked about them more than I should in my recent posts but I can't get over the fact that we can get mad at each other, hurt each other, have great times with each other and no matter what we go through they're still there. That my readers is the definition of friendship.