I believe because D and I didn't have trouble conceiving, we're now going through a rollercoaster of emotions during pregnancy.
The things you go through and the emotions you feel aren't things many people in share with you. I honestly thought, once you conceived it'd be a smooth ride of waiting nine months then just deliver baby. Boy was I wrong!
I can already see it unfold this week. Because of the results, I'm staying holed up in our bedroom more, not staying in touch with friends or family, or just an overall loss of interest in everything...
It all started when D and I talked about when would be the "right" time for us to start trying, and we both agreed that waiting to try once we hit six months post marriage would be best for us. However, I unknowingly got pregnant three months in.
Because we weren't trying, I lived my life normally. Normal to what was my current lifestyle and now that could come back to haunt me; except it's not just me, it's my best friend-husband-best human being in the world, and our child.
I shared with my sister what D and I are currently going through in our pregnancy (test results came back early this week) and she goes:
Tiff: it's not anyone's fault. You didn't know
Tiff: you've been super careful since you found out
Tiff: sometimes I think you're too much but you've never cared about something so much until now
Tiff: it's good to see
Leave it to sis to leave me in tears (not that I wasn't already). She's right though; I don't care for a lot of things possession wise because I know many things can be replaced. But I'd never ever purposely hurt my family, never ever my child.
My current five wishes are:
•I'd taken prenatal prior to conceiving (yes, I know we weren't trying)
•taken it easy on working out mid oct-our Hawaii trip (again we weren't trying so I didn't know I was pregnant)
•didn't use the sauna so intensely weeks leading up to Hawaii
•didn't drink and smoke ganja mid oct-Hawaii trip
•I wish I could leave this feeling all behind
You see, I didn't find out I was carrying until six weeks in and I feel like I could've done a lot of damage during the first six weeks of our child's development and now it's eating me up. I can't help but feel so guilty.
As of right now, the lab results that came in were just a diagnosis and NOT a sure thing. But the treatment going forward seems so intense that I feel something has already happened.
My OB referred me to a perinatal specialist group whom will be doing a level 2 ultrasound to complete an in depth-thorough anatomy view of baby to rule out any markers. If they're able to rule it out D and I are to meet with a genetics counselor, even if everything looks to ok on level 2 ultrasound. But I'm not all clear yet, I'd have to do another level 2 ultrasound four weeks later to ensure nothing has grown since. Meanwhile, meet with my OB every two weeks to ensure my placenta is working the way it should because if level ultrasound 2 rules out markers, my elevated levels lab levels could mean not enough oxygen is getting to baby from placenta.
A lot right? And there's more to the treatment going forward because it's basically a big rabbit hole. If this then this, if not this then this...
Everyone keeps asking if I want a boy or a girl, and my answer will always be: a healthy baby.
Call me vain or selfish or what not but I honestly don't know if I can love the child unconditionally if there was something abnormal with him/her. Life would be so hard for them...going to school, making friends...life is already hard. And you know I've been a pretty selfish-shitty human being for most of the 30 yrs of my existence so what if this is the man above's way of "teaching" me a lesson? The lesson being, I need to learn to love another human being completely unselfishly and wholeheartedly.
D is the most honorable, intelligent, kindest human being I know and I'm truly blessed to get to share a life with him as his wife and life partner. I would hate myself if I couldn't bear him a healthy child. Such an "old school" traditional mindset, but that's how I honestly feel.
You know that saying, "No one said it would be easy, they said it'd be worth it." That's the light I'm holding onto.
Sent from my iPhone
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