2012

All I ask from the people I choose to surround myself with is honesty. I am always honest with them, and some may take it the wrong way and think I'm a bitch or that I'm too blunt about it, but that's just how I am (take it or leave it). And I expect the same back, just be honest w/me. For whatever it is.

Never be afraid to be honest w/me because you're scared to hurt my feelings. It may sting, but I'll get over it.
Never be afraid to be honest w/me because you think it's going to hurt our relationship. If anything I'll respect you more and it'll strengthen it.
Just never be afraid to be honest w/me whether it's regarding my ugly outfit, what I do to hurt others, any mistakes I've done, etc. If you don't speak up and tell me about it, there's no way I'll ever know that I'm doing wrong and I'll continue to do it.

So, in 2012 I am going to let go and drop everyone that continues to bring me down by not being honest w/me. I'm only going to surround myself w/people who are able to be honest w/me and continue to let me grow as a person, and those who will bring out the best in me.

Chances are if you think this post applies to you, it probably does.

"Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people."

FYI: I wouldn't consider this as a resolution b/c I find it silly when people wait for a certain time in the year to FINALLY start something they've been meaning to, but I see this more as a cleanse. People do diet cleanses, I do life cleanses.

Memories Wasted

The man gave me my fifth camera within a 12 month time frame. The last camera I lost, I lost memories of most of my 2011 trips. Since this one is a gift, I better not lose it. Besides, I gotta learn to upload pictures more often.

I also emailed Fotki.com on my account. If the account is completely lost, I will be one angry woman. Pictures dating back to 2002 til 2010 are all gone...MEMORIES!!!!

With my awesome new camera, I'm going to try and take more pics on the device versus my Droid. Although the droid is so much more convenient w/the ability to upload instantly...

Let's hope the fotki account isn't gone...if it is I'm on a hunt for another good photo hosting site.

	if money brings you happiness then you'll never be fully happy in life. you have to learn to be happy with yourself before you can make others happy. and then learn to be happy with what you have before you can be happy with what you want. if you put your eggs in the money/want basket and you lose it, you'll lose ground.

	I am really a simple person. it all boils down to two things: 1) don't waste time 2) be happier than the day before a coworker asked me the other day why i'm always so happy, I just laughed and said because i'm alive. he obviously didn't believe me, and told me what he thought. but that's all there is to it. I am given another day, another second that many aren't. that's why I don't waste my time on petty things. that's why if something upsets me I say it, forgive, and move on. that's why I do and don't do a lot of things. I just ask myself, will this make me happy? if not, it is a waste of time.

	-talk about burning myself out, I totally just jinxed myself -you know you work too much when you spend 15hrs a day at work, stay up thinking about work, and when you finally fall asleep you dream about work. this can't be life. and I enjoy what I do! -do you want to know how I feel or what I think? because sometimes I can't differentiate between the two. typical heart v.s. head -first, what are goals? second, plan to make goals happen. third, track progress and make adjustments along the way if necessary. - first, I have goals. but plan A and plan B. it's funny because I've always tools that plan b just distracts you from plan a, but life happens and suddenly you're thinking about a completely different plan for yourself. -second, at the moment step one to both plans do not require any money, just commitment. and if you know what my past looks like the only things I have allowed myself to commit to are: family, friends, fun, and food (what I like to call the quadruple F's). -after talking to a close friend of mine over the weekend I have come to realize: •I have never allowed myself to fully "feel". anytime I get close to it, I ruin whatever it is have before I get a chance to. • people have this expectation that i'm some super human who is immune to pain. although that is partly my fault for lettingthem perceive me that way -fate will only lead you so far before you have to start making it happen for yourself. if you truly want something you'll everything you can to make it happen. if not you'll make excuses for not trying harder. -I've always viewed emotions as being weak. if you ever showed any, you're weak. -I will try to sleep now.

Things That Make Me Happy #'s 80-89

80. Crossing something off your bucket list; San Francisco and everything about it (riding the trolley, hiking up the hills, Fishermen's Wharf, The Golden Gate Bridge, etc)
81. Being spoiled; dinner is always ready when I get off work, coffee is always made when I get up, being so busy I haven't had time to listen to new music and he burned me 3 new cds to enjoy in the car. There's no question about it, he definitely spoils me.
82. His coffee. He makes it w/just the right amount of milk and cream that isn't too sweet for me. No more black coffee for me!
83. When a person enjoys something you recommended.
84.When I am leaving the ramp and the machine says $7.25...wayyy better than the usual $12.50
85. Hearing my close friends give me shit for finally settling down.
86. Licking the yogurt lid clean.
87. When the 2-pack of Starburst has both your favorite flavors.
88. Finding something you have in common w/a complete stranger (I do this a lot w/my clients and it eases the conversation).
89. Hearing good results from the dentist (I went on Monday and nothing but good news!), because clean and healthy teeth = a healthy body.


   

	the two driving forces behind our decisions are fear and love. you CHOOSE to do something because you are afraid of what the outcome will be if you don't. you CHOOSE to do something because you love something/someone so much. ex: I choose to go to school because I fear my opportunities will be limited if I don't have a degree. ex: I choose to stay in touch with my family even if I don't see them everyday because I love them a lot and I am afraid that this may be the last time I will get to talk to them (my whole thing on life is short). off topic: i hate blogging on my new phone. the ugly tmobile banner is making my blog ugly!

	things I am thankful for: -my family; I am thankful they are all healthy and alive. I am thankful to be sitting in the living room watching football with my younger brother. thankful to be waiting on delicious food my parents are preparing for lunch. and thankful I will get to spend some quality retail therapy with my sister and her bf who has turned into our own family member over the years. -my friends; although work and having someone consume so much of my time, I am thankful they understand, are there for me and sts happy for me -work; in a time where so many are struggling I am thankful for my 70 hour Weeks. And I am also thankful for my funny and awesome co workers whom i enjoy seeing daily -the past 23 years; everything happened because it was supposed to, everything is together, and I am truly blessed to be given another day on this beautiful world.

Things I Learned This Weekend

1) I suck at video games
2) Sharing life w/someone you adore is worth risking everything (being vulnerable, letting your guard down, etc)
3) I cannot "hang" like I used to on vacations. It used to be explore the city all day, party all night, sleep for 2 hours, and repeat. Now it's explore the city all day, and sleep at 8PM.
4) You learn a lot about your relationships w/the people/person when you travel w/them.
5) The man's imperfections are what makes him perfect...well to me.
6) There is no place like home.
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In the 23 years of my existence, I have never ever felt anything remotely close to the way I've been feeling as of late. And there is no denying the fact that what I'm feeling is definitely butterflies.

But of course being who I am, I am over analyzing things as always. But what's new?

What I don't understand is how someone who once was a complete stranger can take a strange hold on you so fast.

So much more I want to say, but this blog is kind of too public for how I am feeling.
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Winners don't make excuses

"Let me tell you guys right off the bat, if you are planning on putting in the bare minimum amount of hours and work, don't do this. You're worthless." --My sales manager

Love it. This is why I put in an insane amount of hours in everyday.
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Hold 'Em

Two years ago I folded my hand.
Didn't feel the pot was worth my while so I cashed out of the game.
Two years later, I'm just about ready to buy in again.
In it to win it, I feel my starting hand will be rockets.

Only time will tell if the flop, the turn, and the river will play out in my favor.
If I put anything out this time, just know that I won't be so quick to cash out or fold.


http://bit.ly/nogzkT

Three Months Later

Three months ago I couldn't wait for myself to start an opportunity that was given to me. I've always been one to believe that things happen for a reason, and three months later everything couldn't have happened at a better time.

You may never know where you're going, but just know that you'll always end up where you're meant to be.

I've always been big on not wasting time. It's a huge reason why I hardly ever slept growing up. Also, a reason why I left things. Whether it was relationships, friendships, or a company I was working for, if I no longer saw the purpose in staying I would leave to save myself the other people time.

My company's motto for myself and the people holding the same position as I do is: Helping make our client's dreams more within reach.

At first I thought that was a pretty cheesy big corporate tag line, but the more and more I am going further in this position I realize more and more the part I play in each one of my client's and future client's lives. And as corny as this may sound, I really do help make people's dreams come true. What a perfect potential career for me right?!

Things I have learned/realized the past three months (not just related to this new position):

Discipline and determination: I've said this in previous posts, but I've always gotten away with the bare minimum. And with studying for three exams, I learned quickly that if I didn't have discipline and determination to sacrifice time in some areas of my life I would've failed. I learned that giving up a few hours won't do me any good. The long term benefits if I just gave up a few weeks of my social life versus the instant gratification of having my social life were really obvious. I did what I could to pass the hardest exam I've ever taken, and I'm satisfied w/the outcome.

What do I want? I've had my entire life planned out at one point in my life, and once I realized that things not only change everyday, but every second I started to live more in the moment. That's how it's been for the past two years and with myself helping clients realize their own goals/dreams and helping them take the steps necessary to achieve them I am finding myself thinking about my own goals and dreams. I had plenty at one point, and now I don't even know where to begin. When I think about them all I can think about is making my parents proud, seeing my younger brother and sister grow happy, helping other's, etc. I just want to see the people I'm surrounded by happy.

It is nearly impossible to separate professional and personal life if you're working the hours I do. I tried really hard in the beginning to make sure the two were separated like I had w/my previous jobs, but when you're seeing your colleagues more than your own family and friends you can't help but mix the two up a little. I've met some really great people since I have started and many of them have grown to be my own friends. And all of them motivated me to pass the exams in the beginning stages of this job/potential career. Knowing that each one of them could do it, made me realize that it wasn't impossible, and that if they did it I sure as hell could too. Just because I'm a girl and they're all guys didn't mean shit. Just because they all have college degrees and I didn't, didn't mean shit.

Although I don't care for my reputation much, it does go a long ways. Although I consider myself to be a lot calmer (many of my friends could say the same), there are still so many others out there that believe otherwise. People must not believe in change or something cause apparently I'm still crazy Tamzilla. I'm fine w/that, it's just funny..especially coming from people that haven't really spent any time hanging out w/me in the last year or so. News flash: there's a time when someone realizes they can either grow up or stay who they are. I realized by staying who I was, it wouldn't get me far in life so I had to do something about it.

Serendipity; in other words, finding without seeking. You may never know where you'll meet someone who'll change your life in so many ways, ways you didn't think was possible. It hasn't been a long time, but I already feel that this will be something great.

I have always believed that when I'm doing something I should always put my all into it. Whether it is school, work, a romantic relationship, friendship, or family relationships; if I put my everything into it and in the end if it still doesn't work out to how I want it to be I'll know that there was nothing more I could've done to have the outcome be different.

It's been a long time since I've done this whole "thing". I'm slowly trying to remind myself of this rule, and slowly it's becoming okay to be a "softie".

No what if's will be asked if I just stick to it.
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Me: I'm gonna limit myself to one glass of wine everyday until my exams.
J: but a glass will already get u buzzed so that doesn't count. & don't give me that it's good for u shit.
Me: but it is good for you! It's good for your heart.
J: shut the fuck up you don't have a heart.
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Oh how funny life is

I cannot sleep even though I've been trying desperately to train my body and mind to sleep more than the usual couple of hours a night, but I suppose old habits die hard.

Been reading a few old blog posts and ran across this one:

http://bit.ly/qwtVje

Oh funny how I was blogging about a career that'll make me happy. Who knew just a few months down the road of life I'd have found it.

I haven't been able to blog much, and with the way work has been going I won't be able to for a long while. If you miss my blogs, just keep reading on my past posts...I reread posts all of the time to remind me of certain things.

Extinct?

Jane: tamzilla needs to come out soon.
Me: yeah, after my 7.
Jane: oh shit, I thought she was extinct for awhile.

(:
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Things That Make Me Happy #'s 70-79

I used to do one of these at least once a month...my bad for not keeping up. and Hello to the new readers. I don't know exactly who you are, but I kind of have a clue who's been clicking through here. Just in case you didn't know, I don't care who reads my blog as long as you don't reveal your identity...yeah I'm weird like that.

70. keeping things lighthearted and fun...even when you're at work. (probably the #1 reason why I get along w/my coworkers so much. B/c we all can have fun and joke around w/each other without someone taking things too seriously...even in a professional atmosphere.)

71. my usual espresso shots (each week the # of shots go up)from the Dunn Bros off 6th and Marquette in the Northstar Building downtown...they know how I like my coffee. Andrea and Amir takes good care of me every morning.

72. dinner conversations where you're not trying too hard to have because it just flows out naturally (how every conversation should be.)

73. introducing people to new things/informing people about something they didn't know about before

74. lunch everyday w/my team members (specifically the guys I started it all with on day 1, no offense to the other guys who started before or after us. But I can start work at 8am and get off at 8pm no problem, but I need that 45min - Hour break from my day w/these guys. They make me laugh!)

75. fun in the sun...if I'm out in the sun I'm having fun. It does not matter what I'm doing.

76. Nights in hookahing, eating endless junk food, surfing Netflix, watching redbox movies while studying w/close friend(s)....it's a nice break from drinking and going out

77. having time to listen to music through my desktop so it can scrobble to my last.fm account

78. people who know exactly what to say and do to make you laugh and smile

79. food at my work's cafeteria...for a cafeteria the food is bomb dot com!

I haven't written a real meaningful post in awhile and it's all due to the amount of time and energy I've been putting into work as of late.

I really enjoy my job, and especially the people I am surrounded by everyday (which is always a huge deal). So I've been putting much more effort into this job versus any other job I've worked at. But it's still hard for me to find myself dedicating myself to this position.

It's actually hard for me to commit or dedicate 100% of myself into something because although today, I may feel like I want this really bad, the next day I'll want something else.

Like how fast my mind changes thoughts, my feelings change even faster.

I just want to commit to something that'll make me happy and give me the sense of fulfillment that I crave and need. I mean I am happy and currently fulfilled w/my current job, but I still lack the dedication needed to follow through w/the next two exams.
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Do me

i’m just trying to get, get it, don’t worry about me,
need to take a look at yourself!
i’m just trying to get it, get, no time to play around,
take this shit somewhere else!

da brat > nikki...what you know bout them old school rappers?!