Wednesday, October 26, 2016

I've always thought of myself as someone who was extremely adaptable. I've always been one to embrace change...I even craved it. It has always been relatively easy for me to pick up a new skill, task, role, anything you name I was able to get it down...until now.

The new role started out fine but the past month has been a rough one. Those close to me say I get extra sensitive around this time of the year which is true, but I think it's more than that. The past month has been extremely difficult for me to roll with the punches and go with the flow. 

I feel like the new people I'm supporting...always doubting my actions and  need reassurance that I'm doing an "ok" job. 

I've never really been one to compete with others. The only person I've ever competed was with myself and that's because I always want to continue to grow. No one is or will ever be perfect (let's be honest what does that even mean? And the definition is so subjective), but im so hard on myself.

The pressure to be right, to know everything, and to be everywhere all at once no matter the direction you're being pulled. 

I'm usually an overall positive person but I've been in such a dark place, I can't see the light anymore and I'm so scared. Scared because I've been having dark dark thoughts and I don't know if I can stop having them. I'm so scared of what Im capable of. 

Everyone I try to tell brushes what's been happening off. They tell me it's just something that I go through every year and it'll pass. They tell me what I'm going through is normal for someone who transitions to something new...but is it?

Whose to even say I'm feeling the way I do because of this transition...what if it's something much bigger that has no cure?

No cure...I can't even fathom feeling the way I do for another week, month, year, let along forever.

I don't know anything...besides that...

I'm Tammy. I'm just human. I'm just working on being a better person than I was yesterday. 

Sent from my iPhone

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