Last week, JT started sleeping through the night. She's Co-sleeping with us, which is something every expert advises against but so far it's what's working for our family.

I love her so much. She's definitely my heart outside of my body.

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JOSIE SOCIAL SMILED FOR THE FIRST TIME!!



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Baby girl is here! It's been a wild couple of nights at home.

I finally was able to put her down after she's been awake since 9:30pm. Everyone keeps making comments about how alert and awake she is for a newborn...yes she's very alert. I love it, but it's scary because I know when you're five days old, you also need A LOT of sleep. So I can't help but wonder if this will hinder her growth in anyway.

She's truly something special. She surprises me everyday!

Today, she surprised me by *almost* rolling over into her stomach.
Yesterday, she surprised be my holding her own pacifier to keep it from falling out of her mouth (yes, I lost the pacifier battle).
Three days ago, she surprised me by lifting her head off her dad's chest.

And these are all things she continues to do. How can she be growing up so fast?

Love her so much!!!! I'd do nine months all over again just for her.

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C Section date and time has been scheduled. So strange, at first I was like oh that's when I'm getting surgery to deliver my baby, but now it's like HOLY SHIT WE JUST PICKED OUR FIRST BORN'S BIRTHDAY. THIS IS THE DATE SHE'LL CELEBRATE FOR THE REST OF HER LIFEEEEE.



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Roller.Coaster.

As much as I love you baby girl, carrying you has been mentally exhausting at times.

I started my weekly ultrasound and OB appointments at 32 weeks, I'm currently 34 weeks and will be 35 on Sunday. 32 weeks I was given the beautiful news that baby girl passed her breathing test 8/8! But of course the good news was also accompanied by some "bad" news: baby girl was (currently still is) in a breech position.

My OB was out that day, so I scheduled my appt with her colleague which was fine because there was a 99% chance that she wouldn't be the one to deliver baby girl, so, it was nice getting to meet another OB who may. Anyways, her colleague went over my options as and discussed rates of success and risks for each.

At the end of the day, danny and I decided that if baby girl was still breech by 36 weeks, a planned c section was the option we'd go with.

I have weekly appointments scheduled up until my 39th week and I keep going back and forth between the two delivery methods.

Things I've been googling recently:
C section vs vaginal births
Breech baby
Breech baby ECV
What to expect c section
Breech baby Health

Etc, etc. I like going down the rabbit hole you see.

Last week when I left my appointment, I thought of birth complications that could take me away from Danny, baby girl, and this world. I know baby girl would be in good hands bc Danny without a doubt will be an amazing father, but I couldn't help but feel...let's just say I bawled my eyes out driving home from my appointment. And I'm bawling now.

The emotions I've felt during this pregnancy...the nonstop rollercoaster of emotions, some days I'm not so sure if I could put myself through this again. But to give baby girl a sibling and Danny a second child I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Praying for a healthy baby.
Praying that I'll continue to be healthy post delivery.
I know our family has a few guardian angels watching over us.

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Why is it that we tend to remember the things someone we care about didn't do for us vs all the times they've made a moment extra special?

Oh, the human mind.

I hope you're able to recall all of the beautiful times we've had together vs dwell on the times I wasn't able to create memories with you.

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Mental illness and my role in the world

Close friends and family know I've been diagnosed with depression, but maybe I need to be more open about dealing with my mental illness.

My younger brother deals with many issues with mental illness other than just depression, and I've made it a priority of mine over the past six months to not only take him to his psychiatrist appointments, but also be included in them (he's comfortable with me in the sessions). It's opened my eyes to the things his mind deals with daily and I believe I've helped him be a little more honest not only with his doctor but also with himself as well.

I write this now because right now, there are more resources out there more than there ever has been (I'm still upset with the closure of a suicidal prevention line closing in St Paul, MN last year) but many people aren't using them. Maybe it's because people don't realize they're dealing with a mental illness of their own, or they're too ashamed to admit it, or they simply just don't know where to start. And I've experienced all three.

So today, after waking up to the news of Anthony Bourdain's passing due to suicide, I'm asking myself what role do I want to play in this world? I've always struggled with jobs and the lack of passion I had for the ones I held, why not turn my passion into a job or even a career?

Things I'm passionate about:
Food
Working out (pre pregnancy)
Racial inequality and injustices
Gun control
Climate change
Women's rights
Mental health issues

They're not listed in any order and that's just a compilation of the things I could think of off the top of my head.

What role can I play in making those things more visible besides a few tweets and retweets here and there?

I never want the conversation about mental illness to end, ever. It's been more prevalent the past two days because two very public figures passed, but that's the problem. Why are we only talking about it because of the two public figures? Why not talk about it all the dang time for others who aren't as famous.

The more we understand, the more we can do.

A lightbulb went off and I think I'm ready

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Come at me when you're expecting a child yourself, but until then stop having expectations on how I should carry my unborn baby.

Unsolicited advice from people who have never carried or aren't Mothers are the worst 🤬

Trust me, with all of the time I have on hand, I've read a lot about pregnancy.

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I know this sounds terrible, but I'm trying my best to prepare myself for the worst.

I had a prenatal appointment yesterday and was given two news:

1) baby is measuring small; urgent referral to the perinatal group to measure baby's growth. Depending on that ultrasound I could go in twice a week for ultrasounds + measure blood flow of my umbilical core OR just go in for the planned weekly ultrasound to measure amniotic fluid
2) my Gluclose test came in elevated; scheduled a three hour Gluclose intolerance test for tomorrow morning

Obviously not good news, but at this point I'm glad I haven't gone into labor. Just the other week I was telling a friend I hope I go at 37 weeks so I have time to lose weight to fit into a bridesmaid dress for her wedding; how silly of me to have said or even thought that.

I'm just praying Baby J will be healthy. I want nothing more in life right now than to deliver a healthy baby.

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Random Thoughts

Earlier this month, Danny's father passed three days before his 70th birthday. 

I wished I got to know him better prior to his diagnosis, but I'm still grateful I had 7-8 months where he lived with us so I got to know him more than I ever have the eight years.

I knew he was an amazing human being (Danny definitely takes after him), but I never knew how big of a positive impact he made on others until the weekend of his funeral. Over two days over 400 people travelled near and far to pay their respects; this speaks volumes of the man he was and the life he lived. 

Godspeed Mike.

***

I haven't dealt with a whole lot of deaths in life, and it's never been easy for me to comfort someone who's going through grief. I tried my very best to comfort Danny in the wake of the loss of his father, but I still feel like I didn't/haven't done enough to ensure he's okay. 

We cried together, we smiled and laughed at memories together, I listened while he shared memories pre-Tammy...what else does one do to support their spouse through grief? 

Suggestions needed. 

***

I'm honestly not completely surprised by the things you've done; which says a lot about your character. Deep down I knew you were going to do something like this or you may have in the past, but what I didn't realize was how upset and disappointed I would feel about myself because of your actions.

Everyone has always told me they could see your personality in me, and dear god I hope as I age, that  statement will become less and less true.

I want to burn the bridge that allows you into my life, but I'm not able to erase everything you've done for me. 

...I get so angry when I think about how you're making her feel inadequate and self-conscious. 

All of this has also made realize how dependent she is on you, and I never want to be like her. 

***

Baby Mar/Ru is almost here! Any day now baby girl, we're all waiting on you.

***

Stay at home mom.

Homemaker.

Full-time mother + wife.

We need a better word(s) to describe the full-time job. 

***

It's the last week of my second trimester and in less than 100 days (90 to be exact), our lives will change forever. It's impossible to describe the feeling I have when I think about baby J because I already love her more than anything in the world and I have yet to meet her. 

I'm deathly afraid of becoming a mother; thoughts roll through my head all the time like what if she's not healthy because of something I did or ate while I'm expecting her? Or what if she's not smart because I don't push her hard enough? Or what if I let disappoint her as her mother?

But then, I realize I might not know the first thing about being a mom but going through parenthood with Danny is a huge relief.

***

I believe Danny is simply perfect the way he is, and that's what makes being married to him so easy; he's everything I never knew I wanted...never knew I needed. Serendipity.

My first pregnancy has been anything but "normal," and I wouldn't change it for the world. All of the highs and the lows, I'll take it all as long as Danny and I get to meet our baby.

This was Sunday night; for a good hour or two I couldn't do anything without this sharp stabbing feeling in my right abdomen. Of course I googled, and everything from contractions to round ligament pain said nothing about sharp pains so I called the baby line and they got me right into our delivering hospital's Labor and Delivery area. Funny thing was, after seeing a couple of doctors and nurses, my OB came in. Apparently, she was on duty that night and saw my name on the list of patients that checked in so she came by to check on me. She's been really reassuring throughout this pregnancy, and has always taken a conservative approach, so it was a big relief to hear to say I just pulled a muscle while working out.

Phew! I felt bad having Danny take me in at 8pm on a Sunday night but he's always supportive. Gah, he's the best.

Baby girl, you're so blessed to have the best father ever. As for mother, only time will tell. I hope I will be just as great.

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Boy, I was on such a high after our level 2 ultrasound with the perinatal doctor. Besides more blood being detected on the ultrasound, the doc cleared baby of any spinal bifida and missing chromosomes. He thoroughly explained the elevated blood test results and I was really feeling good.

Adding to that high, just a week later I felt baby move with my hands!!!! She moves around a lot and I'm loving it! Every time she does, I drop what I'm doing to feel her. I can't wait to meet her. Danny is going to be an amazing father.

BUT then I saw my OB this week and the appointment with her really brought on the lows. She said although the perinatal doc said baby is fine, due to the subchorionic hemorrhage I have to start weekly ultrasounds at 28 weeks. I guess it's to measure baby to ensure placenta is doing its job, measure amniotic fluid so it's not getting too low, and make sure my placenta isn't bleeding (placental abruption). I'm all for seeing baby on a screen weekly until I deliver her, but in a normal pregnancy you're only supposed to have 2-3 ultrasounds; to date I've had 5 and will have roughly 12 more if baby is full term. It's concerning for any mother to be, but Danny reassured me my IB is just being extra cautious and conservative.

After every OB appointment I get a printout from her and on it it reads: High Risk Pregnancy. I broke down and bawled after reading it.

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I started to feel what I can only describe as bubbles in my stomach or popcorn popping in my stomach at 15 weeks of carrying. Since then every time I've felt the bubbles or popping sensation i quickly drop what I'm doing and place both hands on my stomach to try and feel it with my hands.

On Monday, March 12th at 12:40am, I finally felt our baby moving with my hands. Such an amazing feeling.

A woman's mind and body are so capable of powerful things.

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Pregnancy Rollercoaster

Oh, and to piggyback off the previous post: it's been a rollercoaster of emotions because you go through major highs but then major lows.

•First you take at home tests and you see the results are positive: MAJOR HIGH
•But then you start googling and read about how it's not certain until doctor confirms or there's a heartbeat to confirm a viable pregnancy, so you're stuck waiting for your first prenatal visit: MAJOR LOW
•Once you see an OB, see a speck on ultrasound, and hear the baby's heartbeat and everything is confirmed: MAJOR HIGH
•You just wanna share the news with everyone and anyone but then are told (or read online) that you could fall under the 22% (or 35% if you've struggled with endometriosis) of women that miscarry in first twelve weeks: MAJOR LOW and super buzzkill btw
•but you slowly share the amazing news with those you'd want to be there for you if you did miscarry because no one should have to go through it alone: MAJOR HIGH
•four weeks after your first prenatal appointment you go in for your second and are given options to do genetic testing on baby. So, you decide to do go ahead with the tests and have to wait for results: MAJOR LOW
•results come in showing low levels for abnormalities and you're on your thirteenth week and the taboo of waiting until after your first trimester is over to share your pregnancy news are over: MAJOR HIGH
•then your body acts out and you start cramping and spotting. so you see your OB and although she tells you it's normal and you're healthy, she orders an ultrasound to confirm but you have to wait until your ultrasound appointment which isn't for another three to four days: MAJOR LOW
•you get to see baby and see baby move like a gymnast during ultrasound appointment: MAJOR HIGH
•however during same ultrasound appointment you find out you have a sub chronic hemorrhage: MAJOR LOW
•because of sub chronic hemorrhage you wait a week and a half to two weeks for another ultrasound and see that the hemorrhage is now nonexistent: MAJOR HIGH
•you visit your OB for your third prenatal appointment and she gives you the option of doing more genetic testing and since you did the first one, you agree to do another. Blood is drawn but you have to wait for results: MAJOR LOW
•results come in showing levels for abnormality are elevated. OB explains what it COULD mean but you're preoccupied. OB says she will refer you to a group of specialists for level 2 ultrasound to rule out markers. You wait a week for appointment: MAJOR LOW
•you speak with care coordinator at the personal specialist group and she says because level 2 ultrasounds are more in depth than ones done in office with OB, we can choose to cancel our 20 week anatomy scan. This also means we get to find out baby's sex two weeks early: MAJOR HIGH
•but you still have to wait for the appointment and wait to find out if markers will appear or not during scan in six days: MAJOR LOW

and folks, that's where I currently am. What a ride huh? And to think it's not even close to being over yet.

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Unfavorable Honest Feelings

I believe because D and I didn't have trouble conceiving, we're now going through a rollercoaster of emotions during pregnancy.

The things you go through and the emotions you feel aren't things many people in share with you. I honestly thought, once you conceived it'd be a smooth ride of waiting nine months then just deliver baby. Boy was I wrong!

I can already see it unfold this week. Because of the results, I'm staying holed up in our bedroom more, not staying in touch with friends or family, or just an overall loss of interest in everything...

It all started when D and I talked about when would be the "right" time for us to start trying, and we both agreed that waiting to try once we hit six months post marriage would be best for us. However, I unknowingly got pregnant three months in.

Because we weren't trying, I lived my life normally. Normal to what was my current lifestyle and now that could come back to haunt me; except it's not just me, it's my best friend-husband-best human being in the world, and our child.

I shared with my sister what D and I are currently going through in our pregnancy (test results came back early this week) and she goes:

Tiff: it's not anyone's fault. You didn't know
Tiff: you've been super careful since you found out
Tiff: sometimes I think you're too much but you've never cared about something so much until now
Tiff: it's good to see

Leave it to sis to leave me in tears (not that I wasn't already). She's right though; I don't care for a lot of things possession wise because I know many things can be replaced. But I'd never ever purposely hurt my family, never ever my child.

My current five wishes are:

•I'd taken prenatal prior to conceiving (yes, I know we weren't trying)
•taken it easy on working out mid oct-our Hawaii trip (again we weren't trying so I didn't know I was pregnant)
•didn't use the sauna so intensely weeks leading up to Hawaii
•didn't drink and smoke ganja mid oct-Hawaii trip
•I wish I could leave this feeling all behind

You see, I didn't find out I was carrying until six weeks in and I feel like I could've done a lot of damage during the first six weeks of our child's development and now it's eating me up. I can't help but feel so guilty.

As of right now, the lab results that came in were just a diagnosis and NOT a sure thing. But the treatment going forward seems so intense that I feel something has already happened.

My OB referred me to a perinatal specialist group whom will be doing a level 2 ultrasound to complete an in depth-thorough anatomy view of baby to rule out any markers. If they're able to rule it out D and I are to meet with a genetics counselor, even if everything looks to ok on level 2 ultrasound. But I'm not all clear yet, I'd have to do another level 2 ultrasound four weeks later to ensure nothing has grown since. Meanwhile, meet with my OB every two weeks to ensure my placenta is working the way it should because if level ultrasound 2 rules out markers, my elevated levels lab levels could mean not enough oxygen is getting to baby from placenta.

A lot right? And there's more to the treatment going forward because it's basically a big rabbit hole. If this then this, if not this then this...

Everyone keeps asking if I want a boy or a girl, and my answer will always be: a healthy baby.

Call me vain or selfish or what not but I honestly don't know if I can love the child unconditionally if there was something abnormal with him/her. Life would be so hard for them...going to school, making friends...life is already hard. And you know I've been a pretty selfish-shitty human being for most of the 30 yrs of my existence so what if this is the man above's way of "teaching" me a lesson? The lesson being, I need to learn to love another human being completely unselfishly and wholeheartedly.

D is the most honorable, intelligent, kindest human being I know and I'm truly blessed to get to share a life with him as his wife and life partner. I would hate myself if I couldn't bear him a healthy child. Such an "old school" traditional mindset, but that's how I honestly feel.

You know that saying, "No one said it would be easy, they said it'd be worth it." That's the light I'm holding onto.

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Do I miss working?

Yes and no. I miss the look on my team members' faces when I coach them on something they never knew. I miss how grateful my team members were when I prepped them for a successful interview so they could start a new career path. I miss the feeling when you see a team member implement something you coached them on days prior. But do I miss the office politics? Hell no.

A friend of ours asked me how many week my previous company gave for maternity leave and I told him I actually left the company months ago. I also mentioned I was thinking about going back, but when Danny overheard, he said we'd have to weigh the costs first.

I guess I should feel blessed that we're financially stable where we can have one of us be a stay at home parent. But I miss the feeling of professional growth/development. I used to get so anxious before an interview but afterwards the celebration is so worth the loss of sleep.

I miss celebrating my professional successes.

Maybe one day I'll get to feel it again. Until then, I can't wait to make our growing family the center of my world.

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Oversharing

Social media definitely makes it easy to overshare and trust me I used to be one of those that would post on Instagram twice if not three times a week + Snap my every day detail...

I guess with the mental illness I've learned that the whole world doesn't need to know my every single move or thought; which has also led to the strong decline in Instagram posts (I only posted six times last year) and starting to Snap less and less.

But then there's my "hobby" of vlogging. During our annual Galentines dinner, A asked when I was going to post pics of my trip to Hawaii. Truth is, I don't want to otherwise I would've bombarded everyone's feed when the trip happened or right after. I guess I just don't wanna be one of those that post 50x about the same trip even if it's different parts or spread out through TBTS. LOL! Honestly, I cringe at those posts when they show up on my feed 😒 we get it, you went on a trip and it was amazinggggg.

I even had a problem with vlogging on our trip to Hawaii. A huge part of me wanted to just enjoy it in the moment, but then the other half wanted me to document it so we could look back on it. I ended up vlogging, but haven't edited. Maybe one of these days, or maybe not. It was amazingggg but definitely don't wanna do 20 TBT posts to my followers.

My bad if you're guilty of any of the things I've mentioned; It's just so cringey.

Which leads me to respect the shit out of Kylie Jenner's decision to live nine months out of the public eye while she focused on herself and her baby girl.

It's just so easy to want to snap a pic, throw a caption together, and press post. It takes real restraint to want to keep the moment to yourself.

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D turns 34 years old this year and he's truly the most amazing human being I've ever met and I'm so blessed that he's chosen to spend the rest of his life with me; you don't know how lucky I am to call him my husband.

2017 started out as blissful as can be for the both of us. We got engaged, planned our wedding, however it took a turn just three months into the year. I let mental illness take over my life, grandpa Yates fell ill and passed, D's father was diagnosed with stage four brain cancer, my brother diagnosed with stage two, and we've sorta been dealing with latter two since.

2017 wasn't all terrible though, we got married and found out that we'll be adding to our family in 2018.

Anyway, back to D; he's so selfless it's unbelievable. The different hats he's had to put on over the past year is what's amazing. Not only has he juggles his full time job, he's also full on supported me when I decided to no longer do what I did professionally (which means he's had to financially support the two of us and our household), fully supported me when my mental illness took over my life, support his father when his grandfather passed, helped my family understand brain cancer when my brother went through surgery and was diagnosed, and now the ongoing duties as a son when his father is slowly dying. And those roles are just a few to name.

He's really stepped up to the plate and there's nothing any of us can do or give that'll repay his graciousness and generosity.

Daniel, you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I will forever love you.

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I'm not sure if it's the surge of hormones, the fact that my father in-law literally couldn't recognize his only grandchildren in a photo, or that a boy who doesn't look a day over six years old is going through radiation therapy, but I'm bawling like a baby right now.

Maybe it's all of the above. Why does Life have to be so beautiful but so painful?

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Guilt

I dwell (although I try reallyyyy hard not to because I KNOW it's a waste of time but can't help myself) on my past actions and wish I could have done things differently. When I know I can't, I'm filled with guilt. Well, that's what my therapist says, and we've yet to tackle the problem.

I hate it when my family and friends give me a pass on terrible shit I've done simply bc "Oh, it's just Tammy."

Oh, it's just Tammy because I'll never learn.

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