Blurb of the Moment

I'm turning 27 in about two months, and I'm not anywhere near where I thought I'd be. Honestly, I feel like a complete fuck up.

I've been such a terrible human being the past 27 years to my parents, siblings, and friends. Basically anyone who is still by my side I'm more than grateful for, but my actions don't always show it. I've made it a goal of mine to continually nourish the relationships I have right now from my family, his family, and our friends I know I need to do a better job of playing my part.

I try so hard in all the wrong ways, when I just need to stay in touch with family and friends who live in another state. I've noticed that I try to compensate my lack of effort with material gifts.

I have nothing that my parents or my younger siblings can be proud of me for. And when I think about the next 6 months, year, 5 or 10 I don't know what it is that I want besides one thing. The only thing I'm ever sure about these days is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

When I think about him and the past four years together I get so sad. Sad because I don't deserve this blessing that has come into my life and has chosen to stay....willingly. I have nothing to offer this amazing person besides that I'll try to become a better person because I want to for him.

Every night I count my blessings before I drift off, and every night I'm amazed I can count so many.

At any point in time if anyone ever decides I'm poison in their life, I would understand.

Opportunities

As I'm reflecting on the past 26 years, I've learned that education and learning goes beyond academia. Every opportunity is a lesson to be learned.

In the two years I worked 70hr weeks as a Financial Advisor for a Fortune 200 Company to build my book of clients and get my name out there I had the opportunity to learn an important life lesson. 

People only do business with people they like. Whether you like to believe it or not, we make decisions based on our emotions. There are thousands of financial advisors out there. All of them able to provide the exact same thing. You want Apple or Google stock? We all have it. You want life insurance? We all have it. You need a detailed financial plan on how to get from point A to point B? We all can do it. But what sets all of us apart is how deep our connections run with our clients. 

The deeper the connection, the deeper the loyalty.

So as I move forward in my career and leave the 70 hr work weeks behind, I am reminded of this lesson I once learned. Back in the good ol days all you needed to do was show up for work, do the work, do a good damn job of the work and you'd get promoted through the passion you showed. Now, it's all about who you know and how deep those connections run.

I'm slowly learning how to play office politics, and just like everything else I've done I'm gonna do a good damn job of it.

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You are the best

I try to tell him those four words every single day, and hopefully he won't forget it. 

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He's offered me the world, and I have nothing but my love to offer in return.

How did I get so blessed?

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Debts

There are two kinds of people in this world. 

There are the givers, those are people you see who give unconditional love to everyone. The people pleaders, the ones who will drop everything they're doing to help in time of need. The ones you think of as selfless. 

Then there are the takers, those are people who are constantly willing to suck everyone's time and love with no regard for anyone other than themselves. The ones who will wait until they're finished with what they're in the middle of, and start what they want next before helping anyone in need. The ones you think of as self centered.

I have this ridiculous habit of trying my hardest to be in the middle. I keep tabs of when and what someone gives me for my birthday, Christmas, just because and try my best to give the same amount back. I also keep mental tabs of when someone has gone out of their way to spend time or help me so I'm able to give the same back. 

But then there are these handful of people...my mental list of what they've given me in a lifetime just keeps getting longer and longer and I'm not able to cross them outs cause it's been difficult trying to give the same back. 

And maybe that's the culprit of this spring of the moment behavior, why I can't stop crying. I just want to clear myself of all debts. 

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I feel like a worthless POS

Right now I feel like a waste of oxygen.

I'm thinking of all the ways people have contributed to my life, well being, and happiness and I can't say I even remotely do the same for anyone else.

I feel like I'm just there and that's it. 

I can't stop crying because all I can think of are the millions of ways I've made life more difficult for the people I love. I'm so sad I bring anything other than happiness into their lives, I'm so sorry.

I was such a foolish girl to think the world was limitless.

I was such a foolish girl to think money doesn't matter.

I'm sorry I am such a terrible daughter, older sister, girlfriend, and friend.

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Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s okay. Your journey isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different. Your life isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s because you aren’t like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing, and start living. You may not have ended up where you intended to go. But trust, for once, that you have ended up where you needed to be. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time. Trust that your life is enough. Trust that you are enough.

--daniell Koepke

Disappointed

The one person I'm most upset with is myself. 

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Someone once told me that human beings have three dimensions: how you see yourself, how others see you, and how you want others to see you. The closer the distance between the three dimensions, the more at peace you are and the more stable you become. --the Poison Tree

I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.

--Katie Kacvinsky, First Comes Love

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certainty

I believe myself to be a pretty adaptable and resilient person who embraces change. The majority fear it, but I yearn for it. When change occurs, give me a second to observe and soak in what's going on and I'm right there with it.

Although I crave being forced out of my comfort zone (ok, if I'm honest 99% of the time I willfully put myself there) and the adrenaline it feeds me, there are a few things I am certain about. 

I am certain that as long as my immediate family members are breathing, I will not live more than 25miles apart from them. I simply cannot imagine being apart from them.

I am certain that I will forever reside in the city. Growing up in the suburbs, and now owning a home in the city...I can't go back.

I am certain that the four women I can count on will always be in my life. It takes two to tango, and I'll be damned if I ever stop putting effort into our friendships.

I am certain that the man I share life's saddest and happiest moments with now will be the man I share everything with indefinitely. 

So even though there are still a lot of moving parts in my life, those parts will be the ones that'll remain still. 

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It's not you, It's me

It's becoming more and more apparent as time goes on that its not my "friends," it's me. 

Over the past twenty five years the people who have hurt me the most weren't family nor were they past boyfriends, they were always people I've considered as friends. I naively went through life thinking to be considered a good friend you needed to always be honest, upfront, be able to make time for them, love them unconditionally, & from time to time put your own issues aside and cater to their's. but that's not enough, because if it were people who used to be by my side wouldn't be disappearing.

My goal this year was and still is to grow into a better person. I'm actively working on every relationship I have with the people who still stand beside me, and honestly I'm scared to death of losing them. 

My insecurities shine bright when it comes to my family, my handful of friends, and D.

Handful. It's scary to know with the billions of people you pass in your life, the ones who matter, you're able to count all on one hand. I already have my bridesmaids picked out, they're the ones who have never judged me for the decisions I've made in life (no matter how poor they were), they're the ones who have never left my side through the test of time, and through the test of my selfishness. 

I didn't believe them when they said your circle gets smaller as you get older, but time is proving them to be right.

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Things That Make Me Happy 110-119

110) feeling sore after a day at the gym

111) seeing my body transform

112) being able to keep my word

113) outdoor adventures that include but are not limited to hiking, biking, running, yoga on rooftops, swimming, and tanning (it's outdoors!)

114) farmer's market finds

115) being able to out plank others next to me at the gym

116) being able to run faster and longer than others on treadmills around me

117) having friends include me in their life changing moments

118) celebrating family & friends' success

119) the smell and feel of freshly cut grass between your toes

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Happy Birthday to 25 yrs of life lessons

I don't think a lot of people understand me, and the few that do know I'm a person of many mistakes. 

Mistakes....I mention the word often in my posts. I do because those are typically where a chapter ends, and a new one begins.

You see, I try not to make the same mistakes twice, but that's only as long as I'm aware of them. If I'm not aware of them, I'm just like every human, we continue on with it. 

That's why I believe honesty and communication is SO important in every relationship. Whether it is with your family, friends, colleagues, or with a significant other. If I've ever said anything about you to someone else, I am going to say it to your face. 

Honesty & communication creates loyalty. 

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Together

They were right when they said it doesn't matter how long you know someone. He's fairly new in my life compared to others, but he's the best friend I've needed.

I was so used to making decisions on my own, but now I find myself asking for his opinion prior to any action.

Words just can't describe.

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Quarter of a Century

I'm not where I imagined myself, but I'm figuring it out. Everything I've planned out obviously didn't pan out, but I'm okay with that. If everything did, I wouldn't be as happy as I am today.

Although I don't know what to do the rest of my life, I do know who I want with me while I try every opportunity given out.

I can't thank em all enough for being supportive and guiding me through this scary time.

Also, thank you for not judging. There's too many people who judge others before knowing the reason behind the individual's actions.

Tomorrow

 Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.  

I have never failed an interview before, and I'm not about to start tomorrow. It's been about two years since I've been in the hot seat. 

D is so sweet. He's sitting here pretending to be the interviewer, and giving me tips on how to handle questions since he interviews people all the time. 

Apart of us wants this, but apart of us knows we can hold out for something I deserve (salary wise).

It's in my nature to worry.

Weight Issues

About a year ago I weighed in at 120lbs. From Aug '12-Monday I was yo-yoing between 105-103. Monday, I was down to the double digits.

I hate the scale because I know the information it gives me is just a number, but I still weigh myself every time I'm at the gym.

I'm trying to gain muscle mass now, but D gets upset every time I work out.

I just want to be fit & healthy. Not skinny. Not thick. Strong, fit, fast, & cut. Lololololololol

D's 29th

I've been having trouble sleeping lately, but what's new? It's always been that way except for the past two years working 60+hrs at the office. Tonight is different though. He has been asleep for the past two hours, and we've been in bed for the past three...

What's on my mind tonight? Tomorrow. Again, what's new right? Tomorrow is special though, it's his 29th Birthday, and I keep trying to think of different ways I can make him feel like it's really his day.

Everyone knows I like to over share things, so expect to see it on your Instagram feed.

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Theme

I've noticed a theme in several of my most recent posts: the fear of losing those I cherish most in life.

Today, I did something to hurt one of those people, But what's new? I always do shit that hurts people in my life. Whether it's lashing out at Danny to giving attitudes to my family, or standing my friends up for a planned breakfast date, or blurbbing something out to everyone.

Sometimes, realizing my faults after the crime has been committed is enough. Others may be forgiving in the past, but that won't always be the case.

I think that's my problem, I'm holding on too tight. Love is like sand in your hands. If you hold onto it too loose, it will slip through your fingers. If you hold on too tight, it'll slip through your fingers.

The ones who've hurt me the most in life were always people I considered close friends. That still hasn't stopped me from loving three girlfriends to death.

Remember when I was cold and heartless? Yeah, me too.

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