Things That Make Me Happy 110-119

110) feeling sore after a day at the gym

111) seeing my body transform

112) being able to keep my word

113) outdoor adventures that include but are not limited to hiking, biking, running, yoga on rooftops, swimming, and tanning (it's outdoors!)

114) farmer's market finds

115) being able to out plank others next to me at the gym

116) being able to run faster and longer than others on treadmills around me

117) having friends include me in their life changing moments

118) celebrating family & friends' success

119) the smell and feel of freshly cut grass between your toes

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Happy Birthday to 25 yrs of life lessons

I don't think a lot of people understand me, and the few that do know I'm a person of many mistakes. 

Mistakes....I mention the word often in my posts. I do because those are typically where a chapter ends, and a new one begins.

You see, I try not to make the same mistakes twice, but that's only as long as I'm aware of them. If I'm not aware of them, I'm just like every human, we continue on with it. 

That's why I believe honesty and communication is SO important in every relationship. Whether it is with your family, friends, colleagues, or with a significant other. If I've ever said anything about you to someone else, I am going to say it to your face. 

Honesty & communication creates loyalty. 

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Together

They were right when they said it doesn't matter how long you know someone. He's fairly new in my life compared to others, but he's the best friend I've needed.

I was so used to making decisions on my own, but now I find myself asking for his opinion prior to any action.

Words just can't describe.

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Quarter of a Century

I'm not where I imagined myself, but I'm figuring it out. Everything I've planned out obviously didn't pan out, but I'm okay with that. If everything did, I wouldn't be as happy as I am today.

Although I don't know what to do the rest of my life, I do know who I want with me while I try every opportunity given out.

I can't thank em all enough for being supportive and guiding me through this scary time.

Also, thank you for not judging. There's too many people who judge others before knowing the reason behind the individual's actions.

Tomorrow

 Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.  

I have never failed an interview before, and I'm not about to start tomorrow. It's been about two years since I've been in the hot seat. 

D is so sweet. He's sitting here pretending to be the interviewer, and giving me tips on how to handle questions since he interviews people all the time. 

Apart of us wants this, but apart of us knows we can hold out for something I deserve (salary wise).

It's in my nature to worry.

Weight Issues

About a year ago I weighed in at 120lbs. From Aug '12-Monday I was yo-yoing between 105-103. Monday, I was down to the double digits.

I hate the scale because I know the information it gives me is just a number, but I still weigh myself every time I'm at the gym.

I'm trying to gain muscle mass now, but D gets upset every time I work out.

I just want to be fit & healthy. Not skinny. Not thick. Strong, fit, fast, & cut. Lololololololol

D's 29th

I've been having trouble sleeping lately, but what's new? It's always been that way except for the past two years working 60+hrs at the office. Tonight is different though. He has been asleep for the past two hours, and we've been in bed for the past three...

What's on my mind tonight? Tomorrow. Again, what's new right? Tomorrow is special though, it's his 29th Birthday, and I keep trying to think of different ways I can make him feel like it's really his day.

Everyone knows I like to over share things, so expect to see it on your Instagram feed.

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Theme

I've noticed a theme in several of my most recent posts: the fear of losing those I cherish most in life.

Today, I did something to hurt one of those people, But what's new? I always do shit that hurts people in my life. Whether it's lashing out at Danny to giving attitudes to my family, or standing my friends up for a planned breakfast date, or blurbbing something out to everyone.

Sometimes, realizing my faults after the crime has been committed is enough. Others may be forgiving in the past, but that won't always be the case.

I think that's my problem, I'm holding on too tight. Love is like sand in your hands. If you hold onto it too loose, it will slip through your fingers. If you hold on too tight, it'll slip through your fingers.

The ones who've hurt me the most in life were always people I considered close friends. That still hasn't stopped me from loving three girlfriends to death.

Remember when I was cold and heartless? Yeah, me too.

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Things that make me happy 100-109

100) visiting a new place, where no one knows my name (even if it is Spencer, IA)
101) Tagging along with the man on his business trips
103) new gym gear
104) seeing my body change (I now have a four pack!)
105) days where a jacket isn't necessary. I'm tired of the cold, gloomy, cold, snowy days.
106) getting goodies from the sister. Every time I see her, she's given me bags full of make up, workout clothes, house necessities, clutches, etc.
107) being able to take a load off the man's plate. Now that I'm not working 60+ hours, I've been able to clean our home, help with renos, and have dinner ready by the time he gets home.
108) cooking things the man enjoys eating
109) knowing the man enjoys Vietnamese, and more importantly my mom's cooking

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZQ5aNrwYcM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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I was told once that everyone you'll ever need in life, you'll be able to count on ten fingers.

The older I get, the more this proves to be true. Many left behind lessons to nurture relationships with those around me (thank you).

"if you want to fly, you've got to let go of what weighs you down."

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Trust in God

At the end of 2012, a friend asked what word would I like to leave behind as we move forward into 2013. I said, fear.

I've never let money be the reason behind the decisions I made in life, but fear was. Especially, the fear of making the wrong decision because there were never any assurances there'd be a way out. Just a few days ago, I felt ambiguity and fear more than I've ever in my life.

Tonight, the more I reflect on where I was to where I am now the trust in myself, my decisions, and in God is affirmed. I've come so far not knowing where I was heading. So many mistakes, failures, and setbacks, but that's how I learn, grow, and become strong. Because along the way I also did things I didn't know was possible, and met people I didn't think I'd ever meet.

Even though I still don't have a clear path laid out before me, I trust in God that whatever decisions I make, will be the right ones that will lead me to where I'm supposed to be.

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I am one blessed person.

The people I'm surrounded by couldn't be any more supportive than they already are. From my family, friends, Danny, to my co workers....

Everything will be okay because I have them.

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Our Story

I love life and all of the individuals in it. All of our stories are different.

I would've loved to have the traditional life where I ended up with my high school sweetheart. But things happen for a reason. For all the 5-6 years we were together definitely contributed to the woman I am today, anything longer than that would've been wasted time. Wasted time because when you realize your values and priorities aren't aligned with your partner's, how could you build a future together?

Time spent with others (men/boys, friends, and family) and myself made me realize a lot (notice, I didn't say everything). I realized who I wanted in my life, what I wanted out of my life, and what I needed to do to get there. Came up with a plan and then...

Came him. On the day I had a huge shot taken to my ego. What I thought was going to be a good distraction with friends from what had happened earlier on in the day ended up being serendipity.

2013

I feel new year's resolutions are corny and unnecessary just because why do you need to wait until a new year to start something....

But I've been thinking a lot about the person I was 10, 5, and even a year ago, and although I've definitely grown, I'm still not the person I want to be.

With having so many people walk in and out of my life, I've come to realize that the problem is me. With that realization, I've also realized how unbelievably blessed I am to continue to have people who've stuck with me through my worst mistakes (or life lessons if you prefer to be optimistic).

I'd like to call this my personal growth plan for 2013+...things I'd like to work on to become a better daughter, sister, family member, friend, significant other, colleague, and human.

But I can only do this with the help of the people in my life. EX: being w/Danny he calls me out on things I do that drives him insane or let's me know of a mistake so I'm AWARE of my actions. From there I try to get a hold of what my thoughts and feelings are before my actions and try to prevent it from happening. It's tough, it takes time, but it works.

I want to retain the ones who have stuck by me.

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Faith

In my younger years (and probably even now), I've depended a little too much in my faith that everything happens for a reason.

D.T.Y, you make me realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

Who would've thought.

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	Haven't had time to blog. It's been all about work, but hopefully that'll all change soon. Giving up stability for the unknown is something I've become really good at.

There's not a day that goes by where I don't ask how I got to be so blessed in life.

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Learning is tough

I've been hurt by the people I choose to call my friends more than any other in my life.

Learning to experience life with a small circle. But learning is tough when you keep forgiving and making the same mistakes.

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Vent Post

Why I Do The Things I Do:
1) because in some way or form it will make me happy. Directly or indirectly.

That's all it really comes down to.




***

Today I had my weekly one on one meeting w/my manager. Usually that involves talking about numbers, and stuff you wouldn't care about unless you were in my position. But today it was different. Coming into the room he told me immediately that he wanted to spend twenty five minutes talking about a strength that he thought I didn't leverage enough.

B: Tammy, do you think others like you, and enjoy your company?
Me: Well...that depends on who you're asking b/c if you ask (insert name here) I'd say no (insert name here) doesn't like me.
B: (insert name here) isn't your client. But overall, you're a likable person am I wrong?
Me: .....
B: I think you're not leveraging that enough b/c of your personality, and how others respond to you, you can get away with a lot more than others can. Whether that is blah blah blah...(him going into details & stuff you as my blog readers wouldn't care about)

He's right, and that's something I never even thought or knew. And this is why I love criticism. No criticism in my eyes is bad. Take it & leave it. Or you can take it & learn from it. or take it a step further & take it, learn from it, AND grow from it.





***

For the most part, I know what my strengths and my weaknesses are as a person. There are two weaknesses I am very aware of the second I am guilty of it, but I feel like I have no control over them.
1) allowing my selfishness effect the way I act towards those I love (IE: not getting what I want from the person & having mood swings)
2) allowing my mind to make up the worst possible outcome of a scenario, and allowing the fear of that outcome coming true to stop my potential of achieving something.

Those things effect me everyday, and everyday I realize it but I feel helpless when trying to change it.




***

I believe the foundation for any kind of relationship you have w/someone is communication. Whether the relationship is with a family member, a friend, a significant other, a colleague, a client, or anyone you have to be open and communicate with one another to have it last. Because honestly, we're not mind readers. No one knows what you're thinking or feeling besides yourself, and vice versa.

So tell me why it's so hard for me to communicate w/those I should be open with?

With social media being a tool used to express ourselves, I find myself turning to those outlets to express my happiness, sadness, anger, frustration rather than expressing those feelings to those who create them. And that's where the problem begins.





***

When we are together there are millions of feelings that run through me, and I have felt them all. But the one I feel more often than others is doubt.




***

I feel I want less, because I feel that's what I deserve. And from past experiences with too much of anything will cause problems and unhappiness.

All I want from life is to feel happier everyday than the day before, and for my loved ones to feel the same.

Things That Make Me Happy #'s 90-99

90. my early morning workouts and on occasion, post work workouts. It feels absolutely amazing going into the office after sweating like a pig for an hour. Whether it is running three miles and a little weight training or hot yoga, it definitely makes the long hours at work a lot more bearable. Thanks Emmy for introducing me to yoga, now I can't get enough of it.
91. When friends you haven't talked to in a long time text you out of the blue. Two told me they were coming into town. and a few said they wanted to say hi just b/c they were thinking of me. <3
92. The adrenaline rush I get a minute or two prior to meeting w/my clients.
93. Waking up knowing that the dreams I had were just dreams.
94. Walking away and leaving behind all things negative (people, things, etc).
95. Making GDC while doing what's best for my clients, and laughing at the advisors who make GDC only doing what's in their best interest (this fucking pisses me off b/c they're playing around w/people's life savings).
96. Seeing my parents smile at each other.
97. Seeing the reactions on each one of my family member's faces when they opened their Christmas presents. I did very well this year in choosing gifts for them.
98. Knowing that the man still likes me even after finding how imperfect I am.
99. How mild Minnesota's winter has been this year. Hands down, best winter ever.