Exhaustion

A: "You steal everything from me! My panda, my blanket, and my sleep."
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Who am I to judge?

I try my best not to judge people before getting to know 'em because who am I to judge you? We all have been through things to make us the way we are today. I don't know the things you've gone through in the past, you don't know what I have gone through either.

"We walk the same path, but got on different shoes
Live in the same building, but we got different views."

-Drake

I had a surprisingly long dinner w/a friend yesterday. Arrived at 10:30pm and didn't leave the restaurant til 12:30am. My phone died so I wasn't really keeping track of the time, but then again I suppose our conversations also kept us off track. But he brought something up that made me think how many other's out there also thinks the same? But then again, like I care? I know what I have and haven't done, I don't owe anything to anyone. Especially an explanation for the things I have done. If you got questions come and ask me. Cause if I ever had a question about anyone, I'll ask them straight up. It beats assuming and listening to rumors.

*****

This is a little teaser picture from this weekend...more pics and details later whenever I'm not lazy hehe (=

Jay Z - Cold Winter (Produced by Dj Cones)

They say that things just cannot grow underneath the winter snow or so I have been told...

The lyrics to this song...AMAZING

Stirred emotions

I actually got out of my shell tonight and went downtown for the first time in who knows how long. Like a good friend of mine said yesterday “I think there’s a better chance of it raining meatballs than seeing you.” And when I told him I was gonna see him at the club, he immediately text me with “I can’t believe it’s raining meatballs.” Haha ^_^

I went out because I told a friend I’d her her and her sister’s designated driver for the night since I didn’t plan on drinking much anyways. Most of the night included me standing in VIP and watching down at the people on the dance floor. I love my guy friends, all of them came up to me offering me drinks and kept asking why I wasn’t having a good time because I wasn’t my usual crazy alcoholic self. A couple of them even called me mom, because I was watching over the “kids”, but I didn’t mind. I honestly still had fun even though I wasn’t my usual self when going downtown. I honestly do think I’m getting too old for it. It’s just not the same anymore.

I ran into a lot of old faces and even my uncle Quy. I also ran into Thinh and I’s mutual friend Eightball. This guy is well known for a lot of things, most of it not good, but he’s our very very good friend. Like me, Thinh doesn’t have a very good past. Him and his small group of friends are well known throughout Minnesota for the things someone shouldn’t be known for, and everytime we needed him, Eightball was there for us. Hell, the guy has even gone to jail a couple of times for us. I didn’t even recognize him at first. I knew there was this weirdo who kept staring at me, but I just thought he was another one of those club creepers, until he came up to me asked how I was doing and asked me where my “man” was. When I told him that Thinh and I weren’t together anymore, like everyone who knew the both of us, he was shocked. He even lectured me in the middle of the club for a good twenty minutes.

Eightball told me a lot of things I already knew, like: how Thinh loves me a lot and that no matter what happens between the two of us we should try and work it out. How we were the Bonnie and Clyde of Minnesota, the "gangster" couple. How there are a lot of guys out there who’ll try to be my friend and talk to me just to get into my pants. How Thinh is a really good guy and how I am a really good girl and that we belong together. How he loves Thinh and loves me and loves the STP guys and that we’re all family to him and that he would go to jail again in a heartbeat to just protect us. Etc etc. I’ll admit, even though this is like my thousandth time hearing all of this from mutual friends, hearing it from this old gangster dude kind stirred some emotions.

And running into one of the STP guys didn’t help that either. I miss them all a lot, they were my down ass boys and I was their down ass girl ready to fuck someone up when things went down, and trust me things went down a lot.

I remember when Thinh and I literally just broke up and I went downtown with a couple of friends and were drinking around some guys who I didn't even know at the time (they just happened to be standing by me), but Thinh and I's "enemies" jumped the guys who were around me just because they thought it was Thinh and the STP boys... a couple of them had to get a few stitches and ever since that night I made sure everyone knew that I wasn't with Thinh anymore. I'm fine with going out and having to watch my back because I'm used to it. Dating Thinh and having the STP boys as my brothers, it's something I had to get used to. We had to memorize faces to make sure we were never caught slipping, but I don't want my innocent friends to have to watch their backs just because they're out with me. That's not cool. But I'm trying to be a peaceful person now. Tonight definitely showed that, since an old good friend and I reconciled, and when we were talking, it's funny how everyone thought we were gonna fight. But I'll let everyone assume what they want to.

things i miss

I miss my boys. They're 9 years old now. One lives in Florida now, and the other lives far far away in Minnesota, and honestly I don't think his mom would trust me with him. But either way I wish I had a chance to watch them grow up (they're two different uncle's kids).

I miss having someone to stay in with. Thinh and I used to do this a lot, too bad back then he was the one who wanted to stay in, and I was always the one who wanted to go out. Now when I'm feeling grandma-ish and wanna stay in I have no one )=

Thanksgiving dinner w/family and close friends. I think out of my twenty something years of living, I've only really celebrated Thanksgiving twice. One year at my cousin Quy and My's house, that was really nice having everyone from my dad's side there. I remember going to Escape after dinner and running into my uncle. Happens a lot. The second time was when I lived in St. Louis, my uncle Jimmy and his gf Kelle makes dinner for all of our friends, the real legit Turkey and all of the trimmings dinner. So delicious. I guess this year I'll be spending it with a friend's family while my parents will be somewhere warm and my siblings off doing their own thing. Holidays like this is what makes me want to have a nice big family.

I miss working because I miss the work, the people, and dressing up. Now a days when I do dress up everyone asks me why I'm so dressed up and when I tell them just because I want to, they give me the stank face. Do I seriously need a reason to?

I used to love winter as a kid, but now I dread it when this time of the year rolls around. We (my siblings and I) used to build snow forts off of our deck when we lived in Richfield. and when my cousins were here from Cali one winter, we'd always go sledding.

Warm & Cool thoughts

First kisses
I know it’s the 21^st Century, and kisses probably don’t mean much to a lot of you, but I’m a strong believer in kissing being a very intimate act. I refuse to kiss someone unless there’s meaning behind it. There’s just something about the first kiss you have with someone that’s more than just two lips touching one another. To me the first kiss is hope, desire, and anticipation all cumulating into one moment. It’s more than just a sign of affection; the first kiss is stronger than the surrender because it has the surrender within it. Which one of us is willing to lose?

It's not necessarily the place or how you kiss, more like the moment itself.
And speaking of very intimate acts, I don't like holding hands or making eye contact either.
Call me old school, a prude, whatever you want, but those actions just opens the gates for things.

*****

Expectations
I don’t expect anything from anyone I encounter but to be honest with me. You’d think that wouldn’t be so much to ask for right? But I guess it is since I keep getting lied to left and right. Just because I don’t say anything to you doesn’t mean I don’t know. I play it off to see how long you can keep it up, and soon I’ll cut you off like everyone else and you’ll come crawling to me asking why.

I don’t get why it’s so hard for people to be honest. We all grew up and were taught that honesty is the best policy but yet people still continue to lie. You actually waste more time trying to come up with excuses and stories (plus trying to remember what your story or excuse was in place of the truth) than actually telling the truth.

I’m never mad or angry at anyone when they lie to me. I’m upset with myself because I was the one giving you the benefit of the doubt, and I’m upset that I cannot believe anything that comes out of your mouth again. Save us both the time and energy, be honest.

*****

Moment 4 Life

Super feelin' this song. And I'm not even a fan of Ms. Barbie.

I'm a big music junkie. I listen to every genre there is, but for this song I can't think of a better duo. The lyrics are their's and it shows how much this year has affected the both of them. And everyone knows how much I love Drake. I haven't heard a song from him where I didn't like. He's a lyrical genius.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

The bad is that it all already happened, and nothing I can do or say will change it. The good is that everything that has happened all worked together to bring me this very moment, and this moment I have choices. A choice to stay the same, or a choice to make a change. The ugly is that I cannot change how people act, think, or feel. Because the way I see it isn’t necessarily the way you see it, and sometimes the things you can’t change end up changing you.

You know someone is great when they inspire you to do better and change. Not for them, but for yourself. Yeah, it’s a shame that people can’t realize it on their own, but that’s the beauty of having family, friends, a significant other, and role models; they all inspire us.

My bad if none of this makes sense to you, but it makes sense to me.

Lightning strikes inside my chest to keep me up at night

I keep surprising myself more and more everyday with the things I am capable of doing. I really needed to clear my mind because I couldn’t pay attention if my life depended on it during mass tonight, but of course when I’m forcing myself to, the words don’t come out. Maybe tomorrow.

*****

Dad: I don't need to say anything, all I need to do is say "New one! New one! New one!"
Chu Tuan: and if they ask what is wrong with it, just throw out the racist card and they'll get scared. Instant replacement.
Chu Son: They'll ask "are you happy? we'll throw in a $50 gift card too." and I'll say "not really, but I'll take it."

This convo was so much funnier in person and in Vietnamese. They all speak perfect english, my dad went to high school and graduated in Minnesota, but this was all referring to my brother's one month old laptop that has a dent on the side because he dropped it. My parents bought a two year protection plan for it, but I guess it doesn't cover physical damages. So they all agreed to just go to Best Buy and act like they don't speak english.

Chu Son: Why is it that women always have the men go back to the store to return the stuff that they bought for themselves?

Ain't that the truth? hahah

#firsttimeforeverything

I did it!!!! I just opened my garage without having anyone talking to me on the other line, or having anyone right next to me! YES. Overcoming one thing at a time. Hehe

Btw, I have to get out and punch in digits because we only have one garage opener. And I don't know how to set it up where it syncs with my car. ): but whatever I just opened the garage by myself!
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New York, I Love You

So after a year of wanting to see this move I finally got to catch New York, I Love You. Prior to watching the movie I had a couple of friends warn me that it's not what they had expected and they didn't enjoy it too much. Personally, I didn't think the movie was that bad, I actually liked it. But out of all of the scenes from this movie I like this one the most.

If I ever get married, I hope the husband and I will be like this. Nothing like tough love w/lots of affection.

This is my second favorite scene from the movie. Self explanatory on why if you watch the full clip. #mistakesmenmake

Today, right now, I'm running

I am a single, early in her twenties girl, who’s taking a break from her usual forty plus hours of work a week and full time school life to slow down and enjoy everything that’s she’s been seeing, hearing, and experiencing, but missed. I’m a girl who’s running, running to try to be one step ahead. I know one of these days I’m going to fall because I’ll be too tired and everything will catch up to me, but today, right now, I’m up, active, alive, and ready. Ready to chase my dreams and have everything else falls into place. Today, right now, I’m running, and even though it’s not in sight, I’m pacing myself to the finish line.

I may be just another girl to you, but I’m a girl who knows the world is large. I’ve been on top of mountains, I’ve touched the clouds, I’ve gazed at a blanket of stars, and I’ve seen a glimpse of what my future could’ve been. I didn’t like what I saw and more importantly, I didn’t feel that it was right for me so I traded familiarity in for mystery and I was left with nothing but instability, a pair of running shoes, and a finish line that was nowhere to be seen. But now I’ve picked up my running shoes, dreamt of the finish line, and I’m using my life’s instability to my advantage. Today, right now I’m running.

Over the past months I’ve realized that single is not a status, but it is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others (Yanie Alakiztah). Even though I miss sharing the happiness with a significant other, I will always have my family, friends, and Twitter to share my happiness with. I’ve also realized that age is just a number, and it’s how old you feel that counts. I know people who have lived longer than me, but they definitely feel and live their life like they’re younger. I’ve also realized that I have experienced a lot, but I was so busy trying to rush through life that I never got to stop and soak everything in. I heard, but never listened. I saw things, but never realized it. And smelt things, but never tasted it. A lot of my friends are done or are about to be finished with college and I’m happy for them, but I see a lot of them judging me for my decision to take a break. It might be on their track to run, finish school, and start their careers ASAP, but I’ve realized that everyone’s track is different and I’m running on one that’s made for me.

Today, right now, I’m running. Pacing myself towards the finish line, and I don’t mean to leave anyone behind, but sometimes our tracks don’t intertwine. You can definitely catch me if you can, but whatever you do, please don’t slow me down.

Sure I've done a handful of bad shit, but that's the past and I haven't looked back since.

Quick Quote

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart" --Unknown

Just because EVERYONE keeps saying I've changed.
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Same Mistakes

I've been down this road before and yeah I skidded but forget it
Damn, yeah, I wonder why I never learned my lesson
It's feeling like the second chance and it's the first impression
And I heard it's nothing new except for someone new
But how you supposed to find the one when anyone will come with you
Talking to myself, but I never listen
--Drake
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I definitely give more than I receive, or at least in this particular friendship I do. But eh, who's counting anyways? I like the feeling of knowing I had something to do w/someone's success and happiness. #simplehappiness

But sometimes I wish the person would see through all of my "meanness" and see that my actions are genuinely good hearted. That's the only reason why I count, because you don't see it.
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There's no same in forever

Change is definitely inevitable in life. When you go through certain events, meet certain people, make mistakes, you can’t help but change the way you think, feel, and live. Prior to this year, if there was one thing that I feared besides anyone from my immediate family leaving me, it would definitely be any change of some sort. I’ve said this before but I love feeling like I’m in control and when change occurs, you feel everything but that.

In the past three years, let alone this year itself (or from the beginning of summer til now) I’ve gone through so many things in my life to have me change as a person. Whether they were good or bad, I would like to think that they have all made me into a better person.

Right now at this moment in my life I don’t regret anything that I’ve done because I know those past experiences is what’s making me who I am today, but I do have a lot of people that do not think fondly of me. Not that I care necessarily, I just want to have a clean slate not that that’s possible. For myself, I see no point in holding a grudge against somebody. Whether my ability to forgive people easily is a strong personality trait or a bad one is entirely up to the person you ask, but from the way I see it, when you’re holding a grudge against someone, it’s like you’re allowing them to live rent free in your mind. I’m not asking to be friends w/the people who dislike me, all I’m asking for them to discontinue the grudge they are holding because w/all of the people I’ve fought with in the past, I have definitely grown and changed since then. Back then I probably had a reason why I disliked you, fast track to today and I probably can’t think of an answer. If I can’t remember why I disliked you, it’s probably not worth disliking you today.

But when I do dislike a person, I don't fake the funk. I see a lot of my "friends" do this, and you don't know how irritating it is. How can you not call yourself fake when you're sitting here saying how much you dislike this person for this and that but then to their face you're nice because they're always around you or because you need something from them? Fuck that.

It’s funny how the topic of conversation w/almost everyone I’ve spoken to today has been about change. A friend told me their assumptions on who I was a as a person before getting to know me and said that upon meeting me the person thought that a lot of girls don’t really care for me, I bring drama and trouble, I hang out with people who bring drama and trouble, I’m spoiled, and to sum it all up that I was crazy (this was meeting the person right before summer started). All of those things are true in one way or in another, but I think the point here is that I’m making an attempt to get myself away from those views.

I also asked a handful of my close friends to see how I have changed since they have known me and I’ll probably only admit this one time and this time only but it brought tears to my eyes. I’m glad they were all so honest with me, and their responses refreshed my mind on the different things that have gotten me to who I am today. And the crazy thing is that they loved me for who I was back then, and even though I’ve done a complete 360 (or trying to) change, they’re still here by my side, supporting me and giving me their love.

I hope you all don’t mind me putting up your responses, but I need this for memory purposes. (:

Person numero uno: “Something that really stuck out is your emotions. Back in the day you were crazy in puppy like. I remember lending you my shoulders every time. After that break up I’ve never seen you cry again. Then with Thinh, although you never said the words I love you to him, I truly felt that you did love him when guys broke up the first time you were ok but quickly moved on. With that relationship you were the caretaker. I always saw you catering to him but something was different…then you broke up with him and then you kind of went crazy. You had friends from every group in MN hahah then you were back with Thinh, you became your girlfriend self again, but then you guys broke up. And now you’re different. You’re deeper in a way, you see more and I feel like you’re starting to feel again. I know it sounds weird but it’s like you’re using your heart more instead of your head. Hahah you’re appreciating everything in life and finally slowing down. You not used to being alone or being at home. I think you want to open your heart and feel love. From reading your blogs and being your friend I think it’s time for you to experience how crazy love is. With all aspects of your life: adventure, friendship, being in trouble, dropping everything, etc, the only thing missing is falling in love.”

Person numero dos: “I think it’s a good thing that you’ve changed. You’ve become so mature and you just think differently about things. You’ve become more appreciative and you calmed down. You’re a woman! I don’t care what others say, but I love you. “

Person numero tres: “Do I think a person can change?—Yes. Do I think you have changed since summer?—Most definitely. You’ve definitely calmed down and is losing the title of Tamzilla.”

Person numero cuatro: “I don’t think you changed for the worst, you’re still a good person, but I just think you’re not as close to your “family” as in us your childhood friends. But I still love you and would be there for you when you need me.”

Person numero cinco: “You were a badass and a little too carefree before but you’re more grounded and humble now. Still very free spirited and driven. I think you know yourself more now by the way you carry yourself. I suppose it counts to ask people who knows a LITTLE more than the ones just going out.”

Person numero seis: “Nothing. You haven’t changed at all. You will always be my little sister, easy as that. We all might grow up but it’s the bond. I miss your peer pressure.”

Person numero siete: “You’re more independent and more aggressive, not in a bad way though. You know what you want and you go for it.” (this was probably the lamest response especially when I was expecting more from the person)

Person numero ocho: "You're still the same as when I first met you, except you've calmed down on the punching a lot. But even with everything I'm still here right now aren't I?" (this coming from the person that made all of those "true" assumptions upon meeting me)

*****

Today is Monday, and already I'm dreading but at the same time cannot wait for this weekend. Two birthdays on Friday, possibly a birthday on Saturday, and a death anniversary get together on Saturday, Brunch date on Sunday, possibly a movie date on Sunday, and also a baby shower on Sunday. So much going on!

Salty, treated, bleh, whatever you wanna call it

I’m a firm believer of actions speak louder than words because to me no matter what a person says, unless it is backed up with some sort of action it will always remain what it is, words. With that, I normally don’t hand out my trust, people have to show for and earn it. But when someone breaks that trust, I’m not angry or mad. I just get upset, because I can no longer trust whatever comes out of their mouths. In the end though, it’s my fault I handed them the trust to begin with.

*****

I've come to the conclusion that dating isn't for me, and learning to trust someone comes with dating, so I'm just going to accept my fate.

*****

The scariest part of my day is always coming home late at night and having to get out of my car, open the garage, hop back into my car, park it inside the garage, and running into the house. After reading disturbing articles on how people wait for you to get home because they know your schedule and follow you into your house to rob, rape, kidnap you has given me paranoia.

Even though my family's house is located in a small cul de sac, and even though we've lived here for the past six or seven years, I still don't know who my neighbors are. One night Thinh and I came home late after a party, it must've been around three in the morning we parked his car in my driveway, and as I was opening the garage the then unknown man comes out of nowhere and starts stumbling towards Thinh and I. The guy even followed us into my garage and that's when I got freaked out so I called the cops. Turns out it was my neighbor who lived across the street, and he was drunk. I felt bad for having the cops arrest him, but it was scary. Ever since then, I can never ever get out of my car to open the garage unless someone is with me, watching me, or on the phone with me. Yeah I can be a little girl sometimes.

Lots of disappointments

I’m trying my hardest to not use alcohol as the reason why I did what I did, but when it all comes down to it, that’s exactly the reason. This is exactly why I hesitated to go to Madison for Halloween in the first place. Prior to last weekend, all of the weekends that I have drank didn’t end too well for me. My body isn’t absorbing the alcohol like it has before summer started, and I knew it was going to be bad in Madison. Either I was going to end up in jail, do something I would want to regret, or die, and let’s just say I crossed two things off of that list. Stupid me let my friends guilt trip me into the trip, went and thought everything was all gravy and thought everyone had fun, but little did I know.

I know nothing I say or do will change the fact that it had already happened, and so far in life I’ve learned that if there’s something that’s bothering me that I can’t change, then I gotta change the way I feel about it. How do I feel about it? –a lot. I feel sad, embarrassed, confused, betrayed, etc. But if there’s one thing that I don’t feel, that would have to be guilt. If you know the situation and you’re reading this you’re probably thinking what the heck is this girl thinking, but it’s honest. I don’t feel guilt because I know that if I was sober, or even had a few drinks less than what I had drank that night I wouldn’t have done what I did, nor would I have brushed someone away when being confronted with the problem.

Like I said, there’s nothing I can do to change what has already happened, but I’m sitting here trying to work things out and there’s only so much I can do on my end. If you don’t want to listen to what I have to say to try and get you to see where I am coming from then there’s no point for me to continue wasting my breath and time. But the effort should already show you something.

I feel betrayed because out of everyone who knows about the situation no one came forward to tell me asap. Yeah, I know you were trying to put time on it and you were trying to find a way to bring it up to me, but honestly what did waiting do for you, the person, or the situation do besides get you more upset and angry about it? In the car ride home, we went around and told everyone if we got to redo the weekend over again, what would be the one thing you’d change and when I said that I would’ve changed drinking so much so that I wouldn’t have died, that seemed like a perfect opportunity to bring it up then. I’m upset because besides myself and Thinh I thought you were the other person who understood me. But why should I be upset about that right? It’s my fault for assuming you did.

Let’s take a quick poll here: Raise your hand if you’ve gotten so drunk before that you did things you didn’t remember, and felt embarrassed waking up the next day and hearing stories from others telling you all of the stupid things you did the night before. I’ll raise my hand to that, and I’m sure many others will too.

Like I said I’m trying my hardest to not let alcohol define the situation, but there are times when you get so drunk that you don’t remember what you do. So YOU tell me how am I supposed to watch my actions when I don’t even know it’s occurring? I tried to control my drinking, and it failed. No one wants to drink the night away where they can’t remember the memories, well at least for me. I definitely did not plan on having died in a public place, sleeping on a friends lap for like two hours (which btw I thank the person because this is the second time that you've saved me), got piggybacked a mile to the hotel, and waking up asking myself and everyone around me where am I. Yep, definitely didn't plan on all of that.

I’ll just have to wait and see how this all turns out. I’m disappointed too, but I'm glad to know that someone understand where I'm coming from.

Entree, side dish, and desert

MaxMFPowers: have you talked to him yet?

Me: No, you know me I don't go for looks.

MaxMFPowers: if you find a guy that good looking, then you know the side dish is good. Just figure out the entree and if that's good then you can have the desert.
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