Theme

I've noticed a theme in several of my most recent posts: the fear of losing those I cherish most in life.

Today, I did something to hurt one of those people, But what's new? I always do shit that hurts people in my life. Whether it's lashing out at Danny to giving attitudes to my family, or standing my friends up for a planned breakfast date, or blurbbing something out to everyone.

Sometimes, realizing my faults after the crime has been committed is enough. Others may be forgiving in the past, but that won't always be the case.

I think that's my problem, I'm holding on too tight. Love is like sand in your hands. If you hold onto it too loose, it will slip through your fingers. If you hold on too tight, it'll slip through your fingers.

The ones who've hurt me the most in life were always people I considered close friends. That still hasn't stopped me from loving three girlfriends to death.

Remember when I was cold and heartless? Yeah, me too.

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Things that make me happy 100-109

100) visiting a new place, where no one knows my name (even if it is Spencer, IA)
101) Tagging along with the man on his business trips
103) new gym gear
104) seeing my body change (I now have a four pack!)
105) days where a jacket isn't necessary. I'm tired of the cold, gloomy, cold, snowy days.
106) getting goodies from the sister. Every time I see her, she's given me bags full of make up, workout clothes, house necessities, clutches, etc.
107) being able to take a load off the man's plate. Now that I'm not working 60+ hours, I've been able to clean our home, help with renos, and have dinner ready by the time he gets home.
108) cooking things the man enjoys eating
109) knowing the man enjoys Vietnamese, and more importantly my mom's cooking

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZQ5aNrwYcM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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I was told once that everyone you'll ever need in life, you'll be able to count on ten fingers.

The older I get, the more this proves to be true. Many left behind lessons to nurture relationships with those around me (thank you).

"if you want to fly, you've got to let go of what weighs you down."

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Trust in God

At the end of 2012, a friend asked what word would I like to leave behind as we move forward into 2013. I said, fear.

I've never let money be the reason behind the decisions I made in life, but fear was. Especially, the fear of making the wrong decision because there were never any assurances there'd be a way out. Just a few days ago, I felt ambiguity and fear more than I've ever in my life.

Tonight, the more I reflect on where I was to where I am now the trust in myself, my decisions, and in God is affirmed. I've come so far not knowing where I was heading. So many mistakes, failures, and setbacks, but that's how I learn, grow, and become strong. Because along the way I also did things I didn't know was possible, and met people I didn't think I'd ever meet.

Even though I still don't have a clear path laid out before me, I trust in God that whatever decisions I make, will be the right ones that will lead me to where I'm supposed to be.

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I am one blessed person.

The people I'm surrounded by couldn't be any more supportive than they already are. From my family, friends, Danny, to my co workers....

Everything will be okay because I have them.

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Our Story

I love life and all of the individuals in it. All of our stories are different.

I would've loved to have the traditional life where I ended up with my high school sweetheart. But things happen for a reason. For all the 5-6 years we were together definitely contributed to the woman I am today, anything longer than that would've been wasted time. Wasted time because when you realize your values and priorities aren't aligned with your partner's, how could you build a future together?

Time spent with others (men/boys, friends, and family) and myself made me realize a lot (notice, I didn't say everything). I realized who I wanted in my life, what I wanted out of my life, and what I needed to do to get there. Came up with a plan and then...

Came him. On the day I had a huge shot taken to my ego. What I thought was going to be a good distraction with friends from what had happened earlier on in the day ended up being serendipity.

2013

I feel new year's resolutions are corny and unnecessary just because why do you need to wait until a new year to start something....

But I've been thinking a lot about the person I was 10, 5, and even a year ago, and although I've definitely grown, I'm still not the person I want to be.

With having so many people walk in and out of my life, I've come to realize that the problem is me. With that realization, I've also realized how unbelievably blessed I am to continue to have people who've stuck with me through my worst mistakes (or life lessons if you prefer to be optimistic).

I'd like to call this my personal growth plan for 2013+...things I'd like to work on to become a better daughter, sister, family member, friend, significant other, colleague, and human.

But I can only do this with the help of the people in my life. EX: being w/Danny he calls me out on things I do that drives him insane or let's me know of a mistake so I'm AWARE of my actions. From there I try to get a hold of what my thoughts and feelings are before my actions and try to prevent it from happening. It's tough, it takes time, but it works.

I want to retain the ones who have stuck by me.

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Faith

In my younger years (and probably even now), I've depended a little too much in my faith that everything happens for a reason.

D.T.Y, you make me realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

Who would've thought.

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	Haven't had time to blog. It's been all about work, but hopefully that'll all change soon. Giving up stability for the unknown is something I've become really good at.

There's not a day that goes by where I don't ask how I got to be so blessed in life.

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Learning is tough

I've been hurt by the people I choose to call my friends more than any other in my life.

Learning to experience life with a small circle. But learning is tough when you keep forgiving and making the same mistakes.

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Vent Post

Why I Do The Things I Do:
1) because in some way or form it will make me happy. Directly or indirectly.

That's all it really comes down to.




***

Today I had my weekly one on one meeting w/my manager. Usually that involves talking about numbers, and stuff you wouldn't care about unless you were in my position. But today it was different. Coming into the room he told me immediately that he wanted to spend twenty five minutes talking about a strength that he thought I didn't leverage enough.

B: Tammy, do you think others like you, and enjoy your company?
Me: Well...that depends on who you're asking b/c if you ask (insert name here) I'd say no (insert name here) doesn't like me.
B: (insert name here) isn't your client. But overall, you're a likable person am I wrong?
Me: .....
B: I think you're not leveraging that enough b/c of your personality, and how others respond to you, you can get away with a lot more than others can. Whether that is blah blah blah...(him going into details & stuff you as my blog readers wouldn't care about)

He's right, and that's something I never even thought or knew. And this is why I love criticism. No criticism in my eyes is bad. Take it & leave it. Or you can take it & learn from it. or take it a step further & take it, learn from it, AND grow from it.





***

For the most part, I know what my strengths and my weaknesses are as a person. There are two weaknesses I am very aware of the second I am guilty of it, but I feel like I have no control over them.
1) allowing my selfishness effect the way I act towards those I love (IE: not getting what I want from the person & having mood swings)
2) allowing my mind to make up the worst possible outcome of a scenario, and allowing the fear of that outcome coming true to stop my potential of achieving something.

Those things effect me everyday, and everyday I realize it but I feel helpless when trying to change it.




***

I believe the foundation for any kind of relationship you have w/someone is communication. Whether the relationship is with a family member, a friend, a significant other, a colleague, a client, or anyone you have to be open and communicate with one another to have it last. Because honestly, we're not mind readers. No one knows what you're thinking or feeling besides yourself, and vice versa.

So tell me why it's so hard for me to communicate w/those I should be open with?

With social media being a tool used to express ourselves, I find myself turning to those outlets to express my happiness, sadness, anger, frustration rather than expressing those feelings to those who create them. And that's where the problem begins.





***

When we are together there are millions of feelings that run through me, and I have felt them all. But the one I feel more often than others is doubt.




***

I feel I want less, because I feel that's what I deserve. And from past experiences with too much of anything will cause problems and unhappiness.

All I want from life is to feel happier everyday than the day before, and for my loved ones to feel the same.

Things That Make Me Happy #'s 90-99

90. my early morning workouts and on occasion, post work workouts. It feels absolutely amazing going into the office after sweating like a pig for an hour. Whether it is running three miles and a little weight training or hot yoga, it definitely makes the long hours at work a lot more bearable. Thanks Emmy for introducing me to yoga, now I can't get enough of it.
91. When friends you haven't talked to in a long time text you out of the blue. Two told me they were coming into town. and a few said they wanted to say hi just b/c they were thinking of me. <3
92. The adrenaline rush I get a minute or two prior to meeting w/my clients.
93. Waking up knowing that the dreams I had were just dreams.
94. Walking away and leaving behind all things negative (people, things, etc).
95. Making GDC while doing what's best for my clients, and laughing at the advisors who make GDC only doing what's in their best interest (this fucking pisses me off b/c they're playing around w/people's life savings).
96. Seeing my parents smile at each other.
97. Seeing the reactions on each one of my family member's faces when they opened their Christmas presents. I did very well this year in choosing gifts for them.
98. Knowing that the man still likes me even after finding how imperfect I am.
99. How mild Minnesota's winter has been this year. Hands down, best winter ever.

	I haven't been the greatest daughter. I haven't been the greatest sister. I haven't been the greatest friend. I haven't been the greatest girlfriend. I'm human, I make mistakes, but when I realize I've made one I try my best to make up for it. I also neglect my relationships, but even after all that I've done I still have a several few who stand behind me and love me for who I've grown up to be. even though it seems like I take a lot for granted, I don't. thank you. <3

	my parents that I can do this MY way. that I can be successful. 4) building a relationship w/my clients and getting to know each and every one of them. 5) this job/potential career allows me to think about my own future in ways I've never thought about it before. that's all I really need to do when I run into a roadblock. and when these reasons are no longer related to this job, that's when I'll walk out. my colleagues always think I'm corny, but I truly believe we have the potential to make dreams or at least help our clients make their dreams come true. and finding that quick fix to make instant GDC isn't it.

	In the process of trying to understand my clients' emotions behind their actions I forget to think about my own. Like every job it comes with it's ups and downs, some now than others. and this one is definitely a roller coaster ride. I'm always trying to put myself in my clients' shoes to make sure that everything I am recommending is appropriate for their goals. it's so hard to stay on that path when it's so tempting to go on the track that'll make the company and myself the most money. I've seen too many of my colleagues either start on the wrong path or got so frustrated w/doing the right thing that they change paths. but I gotta remind myself to keep my integrity and that doing what's right may not give me the instant gratification but in the end I'll be able to look in the mirror and be proud of who I am. so in times where reaching quarterly goals seem so far away and the challenges of trying not to leave. I gotta remind myself of the reasons why I worked so hard to get to where I am and why I continue to work 70 hour Weeks. 1) the advancement and growth opportunities are present 2) I love learning about the complete financial picture and passing my knowledge to my clients 3) I am constantly motivated by showing

	"I am so mistrustful of my feelings that I've gotten REALLY good at rationalizing myself out of its existence." Everyone knows I'm not scared of anything. or I should say, they think I'm fearless. but there are a selected few who sees through that. I just gotta trust myself, what I feel, and time that all will work out for the best in the end..like it has in the past. everything seems too good to be true. gotta be cautious, so I'm not left with any surprises!