"I am so mistrustful of my feelings that I've gotten REALLY good at rationalizing myself out of its existence." Everyone knows I'm not scared of anything. or I should say, they think I'm fearless. but there are a selected few who sees through that. I just gotta trust myself, what I feel, and time that all will work out for the best in the end..like it has in the past. everything seems too good to be true. gotta be cautious, so I'm not left with any surprises!

2012

All I ask from the people I choose to surround myself with is honesty. I am always honest with them, and some may take it the wrong way and think I'm a bitch or that I'm too blunt about it, but that's just how I am (take it or leave it). And I expect the same back, just be honest w/me. For whatever it is.

Never be afraid to be honest w/me because you're scared to hurt my feelings. It may sting, but I'll get over it.
Never be afraid to be honest w/me because you think it's going to hurt our relationship. If anything I'll respect you more and it'll strengthen it.
Just never be afraid to be honest w/me whether it's regarding my ugly outfit, what I do to hurt others, any mistakes I've done, etc. If you don't speak up and tell me about it, there's no way I'll ever know that I'm doing wrong and I'll continue to do it.

So, in 2012 I am going to let go and drop everyone that continues to bring me down by not being honest w/me. I'm only going to surround myself w/people who are able to be honest w/me and continue to let me grow as a person, and those who will bring out the best in me.

Chances are if you think this post applies to you, it probably does.

"Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people."

FYI: I wouldn't consider this as a resolution b/c I find it silly when people wait for a certain time in the year to FINALLY start something they've been meaning to, but I see this more as a cleanse. People do diet cleanses, I do life cleanses.

Memories Wasted

The man gave me my fifth camera within a 12 month time frame. The last camera I lost, I lost memories of most of my 2011 trips. Since this one is a gift, I better not lose it. Besides, I gotta learn to upload pictures more often.

I also emailed Fotki.com on my account. If the account is completely lost, I will be one angry woman. Pictures dating back to 2002 til 2010 are all gone...MEMORIES!!!!

With my awesome new camera, I'm going to try and take more pics on the device versus my Droid. Although the droid is so much more convenient w/the ability to upload instantly...

Let's hope the fotki account isn't gone...if it is I'm on a hunt for another good photo hosting site.

	if money brings you happiness then you'll never be fully happy in life. you have to learn to be happy with yourself before you can make others happy. and then learn to be happy with what you have before you can be happy with what you want. if you put your eggs in the money/want basket and you lose it, you'll lose ground.

	I am really a simple person. it all boils down to two things: 1) don't waste time 2) be happier than the day before a coworker asked me the other day why i'm always so happy, I just laughed and said because i'm alive. he obviously didn't believe me, and told me what he thought. but that's all there is to it. I am given another day, another second that many aren't. that's why I don't waste my time on petty things. that's why if something upsets me I say it, forgive, and move on. that's why I do and don't do a lot of things. I just ask myself, will this make me happy? if not, it is a waste of time.

	-talk about burning myself out, I totally just jinxed myself -you know you work too much when you spend 15hrs a day at work, stay up thinking about work, and when you finally fall asleep you dream about work. this can't be life. and I enjoy what I do! -do you want to know how I feel or what I think? because sometimes I can't differentiate between the two. typical heart v.s. head -first, what are goals? second, plan to make goals happen. third, track progress and make adjustments along the way if necessary. - first, I have goals. but plan A and plan B. it's funny because I've always tools that plan b just distracts you from plan a, but life happens and suddenly you're thinking about a completely different plan for yourself. -second, at the moment step one to both plans do not require any money, just commitment. and if you know what my past looks like the only things I have allowed myself to commit to are: family, friends, fun, and food (what I like to call the quadruple F's). -after talking to a close friend of mine over the weekend I have come to realize: •I have never allowed myself to fully "feel". anytime I get close to it, I ruin whatever it is have before I get a chance to. • people have this expectation that i'm some super human who is immune to pain. although that is partly my fault for lettingthem perceive me that way -fate will only lead you so far before you have to start making it happen for yourself. if you truly want something you'll everything you can to make it happen. if not you'll make excuses for not trying harder. -I've always viewed emotions as being weak. if you ever showed any, you're weak. -I will try to sleep now.

Things That Make Me Happy #'s 80-89

80. Crossing something off your bucket list; San Francisco and everything about it (riding the trolley, hiking up the hills, Fishermen's Wharf, The Golden Gate Bridge, etc)
81. Being spoiled; dinner is always ready when I get off work, coffee is always made when I get up, being so busy I haven't had time to listen to new music and he burned me 3 new cds to enjoy in the car. There's no question about it, he definitely spoils me.
82. His coffee. He makes it w/just the right amount of milk and cream that isn't too sweet for me. No more black coffee for me!
83. When a person enjoys something you recommended.
84.When I am leaving the ramp and the machine says $7.25...wayyy better than the usual $12.50
85. Hearing my close friends give me shit for finally settling down.
86. Licking the yogurt lid clean.
87. When the 2-pack of Starburst has both your favorite flavors.
88. Finding something you have in common w/a complete stranger (I do this a lot w/my clients and it eases the conversation).
89. Hearing good results from the dentist (I went on Monday and nothing but good news!), because clean and healthy teeth = a healthy body.


   

	the two driving forces behind our decisions are fear and love. you CHOOSE to do something because you are afraid of what the outcome will be if you don't. you CHOOSE to do something because you love something/someone so much. ex: I choose to go to school because I fear my opportunities will be limited if I don't have a degree. ex: I choose to stay in touch with my family even if I don't see them everyday because I love them a lot and I am afraid that this may be the last time I will get to talk to them (my whole thing on life is short). off topic: i hate blogging on my new phone. the ugly tmobile banner is making my blog ugly!

	things I am thankful for: -my family; I am thankful they are all healthy and alive. I am thankful to be sitting in the living room watching football with my younger brother. thankful to be waiting on delicious food my parents are preparing for lunch. and thankful I will get to spend some quality retail therapy with my sister and her bf who has turned into our own family member over the years. -my friends; although work and having someone consume so much of my time, I am thankful they understand, are there for me and sts happy for me -work; in a time where so many are struggling I am thankful for my 70 hour Weeks. And I am also thankful for my funny and awesome co workers whom i enjoy seeing daily -the past 23 years; everything happened because it was supposed to, everything is together, and I am truly blessed to be given another day on this beautiful world.

Things I Learned This Weekend

1) I suck at video games
2) Sharing life w/someone you adore is worth risking everything (being vulnerable, letting your guard down, etc)
3) I cannot "hang" like I used to on vacations. It used to be explore the city all day, party all night, sleep for 2 hours, and repeat. Now it's explore the city all day, and sleep at 8PM.
4) You learn a lot about your relationships w/the people/person when you travel w/them.
5) The man's imperfections are what makes him perfect...well to me.
6) There is no place like home.
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