Leap of Faith
I typically trust my head over my heart. But when it’s real, you can’t run from it. So I say try your hardest, put your all into it, and if that doesn’t make things work then that’s how you know it wasn’t meant to be. –because there’s nothing else you could’ve done to hold it all together. But until you can truly say that you’ve done everything in your power, put your pride aside and give it a shot. You’ll never know until you take that leap of faith. I would rather feel sad for a short period of time after things don’t work out, than to hold back what I feel and be stuck with a lifetime of regrets and burning questions of “what if’s”. #thinkaboutit
Pride
No matter how much I try to convince myself and other’s that I don’t have any pride when it comes to men and relationships, we all know I have a lot of pride. I always feel like I have to show everyone I’m not one of those stupid naïve girls who’ll fall for every other word that comes out of a man’s mouth. I feel like people always underestimate me because of my size, like I’m weaker physically and emotionally than what I really am.
I guess I do have something that I’m trying to prove to people, what I’m capable of.
When to believe?
I’ve been considered “one of the guys” all of my life, and a perk with being friends with so many guys is that I get an inside look at their world. Most of my guy friends are sweethearts and would treat a girl right because they know she deserves it, but boys will be boys and there are a lot of them that are man-whores. That’s why I don’t think much of the words most guys tell me because I think it’s just a game to them. If a man wants you, nothing will stop him from trying to get you. I’m also a firm believer of actions speak louder than words. But after hearing him say those too-good-to-be-true words and him showing you that he’s genuinely interested when do you start believing that his actions are real and not just a game?
I think with how things have been for myself, when he, himself starts believing that’s when I will also. #lethispridego
Life right now
I feel like the past few months I’ve been trying to chase down every temporary high to satisfy me only to be disappointed. I’ve made some pretty poor decisions in the past—well to most it’d seem like a bad decision, but it was one I made that made me realize and grow. I feel like the next big decision I make will be another poor one, but I’ve been itching like crazy to do it. I want to move again, I’ve actually have been wanting to move since I’ve moved back to Minnesota for three months, but with me being with Thinh and starting school and everything I felt staying in Minnesota would be the best for my future. I mean yes it would be to finish school here, but I really want to get out of here. To the point where I just want to save a grip load of money and pick everything up and just leave one random day. #nothisdoesn’thavetodowithaboy
I can’t imagine myself owning a house because I’m the type that would want to get up and leave. Having a mortgage would only set me back from living in the many different places the world has to offer. So would having a family.
Random (memorable) conversation(s)
07/26/10
B: I hate YOU! I got so used to kicking it with you that it already feels weird and it's only been 2 hrs...
Me: Is that your way of saying you miss me without it actually sounding cakey? if it is then I miss you too.
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07/03/10
B: [stares at me] come here, give me a kiss before we're drunk
^ that one is one of my favs b/c it's just one of those "actions" that kinda showed me that he's genuinely interested.
The careerist
I used to want to fall in love, marry the man of my dreams, have his kids, get a place together and do what most people do in life, but after being single for however long now I feel completely different. I can be the domestic wife if I want to be, but I’m more of the career woman. I want to see the world, try every kind of food there is out there, meet new people, basically live life to the fullest (everyone has their own definition of what living life to the fullest is to them) and love+husband+kids+a house in one location will not do it for me. I’m not closing the door on being a domestic wife; maybe one day I will meet a man who will get me to believe in love where I’ll put my dreams will mold into another dream. But right now the opportunity cost of my travelling the world dream --no one man can take that away from me.
Summer twenty-ten
The past six weeks has been amazing, yet strange at the same time. I think I overdosed on Chicago. Going to Chicago, Chicago coming to me, me going to Chicago every two weeks has been crazy. Definitely lots of memories made, and that is something you can’t put a price on.
This summer so far has definitely put lots of things to the test: my ability to be spontaneous, my ability to handle changes, my feelings for people, my relationship with people, everything and anything! I was this person who loved to plan things ahead; I had to know what was going to happen tomorrow before today was over. Now I’m starting to soak in today and let tomorrow happen for it. Being as spontaneous as I ever have been in my life and I have to admit, it feels good. My ability to handle changes has gotten better than ever; I’m so good at adapting that I’m scaring myself. My feelings and relationships with certain people are definitely over, keeping a distance from them. And I’m now almost as certain more than I have ever been that Thinh and I won’t ever work out. Etc etc etc.
There’s this one thing that I just can’t fathom. I don’t know what to think when it comes to it or if there’s even anything to think about. With the thing I’m trying to put my over analyzing mind to rest by letting each day take its course, but I have to say old habits do die hard. I’m almost positive I’m just making nothing into something, but that’s how everything starts.
but forreal though, one question: Why oh why do you have to make me smile?
Reason, season, or lifetime
New people come into our lives all of the time and each individual fits one of the three: for a reason (to fulfill something), for a season (for a certain time period), or for a lifetime. Which one do you fit into?
There’s so much that I want to blog about! Where to begin?
Well lately I’ve definitely felt homeless. I haven’t been home for awhile. Drinking everyday for a week and sleeping over at friends’ houses. My tolerance is pretty high right now; I could probably drink a bottle of Hennessy by myself and still feel fine. But the past few days I can definitely start to feel the effect of drinking everyday for a month. I can drink 10+ shots and feel sober, but then the next day when I wake up everything from the night before is a blur. It’s scary when you don’t remember things and I’ve always remembered everything that happens when I drink. So I’m resigning as a drinking buddy for my friend and I’m going to let my mind and my liver rest up before Chicago this weekend.
I’m going skydiving this Friday with a few friends and I’m super excited. Kicking off the birthday weekend to a right start! Oh and star party this Thursday!
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People have always told me that I’m too crazy when I’m single and I’d have to agree with them. I am. I got myself into a bunch of crazy drama over the weekend. Got a black eye, and more haters. Thinking back about the whole thing, no I didn’t deserve to get jumped like that, and where were my “friends”? I feel like I don’t have any real ones. A lot of them are there when the bottles are poppin’ and things are dandy but when it comes down to it, none of them are willing to sit next to you in a jail cell. I am willing to do that for all of my friends, but I guess I shouldn’t hate a person for not having the same set of values as me right?
People don’t know the situation so don’t sit there and say that I deserved it, or that it was karma, or that I’m better than this. Fuck you. You have no right to sit there and judge and tell me this and that. Are you in my fucking shoes? No, so do yourself a favor and shut the fuck up.
I don’t even care that I got beat up, or that I got a black eye. There are only two things I’m pissed off about from this happening: 1)That I didn’t get to touch the girl and that she wasn’t even the one who gave me the black eye. That some girls I don’t even know got to touch me. 2)No one was down for me like how they always talk like they are. It just makes me look bad like I have no real friends.
Right now, at this instant, all I want to do for the next couple of years is finish school and travel. I already know who I am as a person so I don’t need to find myself, but I feel like I should make my dreams happen before I can help someone else make their dream happen. I want to try and take each day as it comes and relax. I’m not searching for a replacement, but if one comes my way and I happen to really really like him then sure, but I think right now I’m young, I have the money to do what I want, I have the time why not just go do myself. So that’s what I’ll do. Trying to live life on the slow lane.
All I want is Thinh to be happy. Would you get back with a person to take the pain away? I see that without me in his life, he’s suffering, in pain, and miserable. I have little to no feelings for him, just because I’ve already accepted that we just aren’t meant for each other, but he believes the opposite, a little too late. It’s just hard thinking about all of the memories and time that we have together. 5 ½ years is a long time. We pretty much grew up together, went through all major life changing events together, and we went through hell and got back up to what I thought was heaven together. It scares me thinking about doing the same with a different person. Dating isn’t my thing. I hate thinking about learning to trust another person, uncovering another person’s personality, meeting the family and friends, etc. It just scares me. I’m a person who likes to be comfortable, and it scares me to know that I may just settle and get back with Thinh because of time, not because of feelings. I’m good at forcing feelings upon myself too, tricking myself into thinking I have feelings for a person when all it is nothing. Who knows maybe it’s the other way around right now, tricking myself into thinking I have no feelings for him.
Dating, maybe I haven’t done it enough or maybe it’s just not for me. Either way, I don’t like it. That’s why, if anything were to happen to Thinh and I, I’m going to be single for a very long time.
I was on my lunch break today with a couple of my co-workers. Like everyone new that I meet, they always ask if I have a boyfriend and when I say I do, they ask how long we’ve been together. Whenever I tell them how long we’ve been together everyone just freaks out. Then comes the “whoa, that’s a really long time!” “How old are you two?” “When is the wedding?” I know they’re just joking but it gets old when it comes from every single person that I meet.
I’ve probably repeated this about a bajillion times before, but unlike most people my age, I believe that I’m getting old. Not old to the point where I need to get married, but I just don’t find dating interesting. Yes, I should see what’s out there for me and not to ‘settle’ but I don’t think of it as settling. I think of it as, I think I found the person who best suits me, and I have no intention on meeting someone else. I know there are a billion other fishes out there and they could suit me better, but there will always be someone better no matter who you end up with. I could be with the smartest guy; there will be someone who’s smarter. I could be with the most handsome guy, but there will be someone who is more handsome. I could be with someone who is successful, but there will always be someone who’s more successful. That doesn’t mean I should leave the one that I’m with just because there is someone out there that does it better than him? –I think he’s the best at everything he does anyway.
Another reason why I won’t date is because I find it tedious and boring. The guy will probably just make up a bunch of lies just to make himself look good, and after dating him for awhile, the truth will surface like it always does. I just don’t want to repeat everything that we’ve done already. We’ve worked so hard and put so much effort into where we are now. Starting all over with someone else?—No thanks!
